This story is called.
“Wife of 21 Years was Having An Affair With A Co-Worker”.
Seeking advice.
Here's the story,
I am 44, my wife, she is 43, has carried out an emotional affair with a coworker, and admitted as much.
I don't have any direct knowledge of a physical affair.
It has been 6 weeks since D-Day.
They are in the same tier of middle management, at a regional hospital.
They work closely together, along with others of the various departments of the hospital.
I confronted her, after sensing that something was off, and noticing a distinct lack of affection, connection in the prior weeks.
About us, we are high school sweethearts, we have been together for almost 28 years, married for almost 21, Anniversary is in early August.
We have two children, a 13 year old daughter, and a 10 year old son.
We have had an excellent marriage.
Best friends.
Never a complaint or even thought of infidelity.
We did everything together, and loved it.
Following COVID, and dealing with the obvious stresses of the pandemic, being that she works in a hospital, patient safety, her safety, our safety, you name it.
It has taken a toll on her.
She took this promotion about 15 months ago.
I suggested, and recommended to her, that she should apply, she was the best internal candidate, by far.
Once she took the promotion, the extra work came.
I was understanding at first, but, at a certain point, I could definitely sense, that it was a distraction from “us”.
We'd always spend the time after the kids went to bed, watching mindless television, but, that soon switched to her doing work.
I wouldn't have been upset, had it not been for the fact that it was always during "our" time.
Some months ago, things were turning around at her work, fully staffed, projects in good flow, to a point, where she was kicking ass.
I recognized this, and complimented her on this every chance I got.
I could sense something was off though when she was too busy to schedule our summer vacation.
Furthermore, she was always talking about the affair partner.
Initially, I thought nothing of it.
In a way, she was making light of his situation, in a difficult marriage, and contemplated divorce with the other betrayed spouse, as ours was so strong.
A little while later, she disclosed that her affair partner was also pursuing another single-mother coworker, also in the same tier of management.
That didn't pan out; on May 2nd, all talk of her affair partner ceased.
This is when things started to feel different.
I took notice.
6 weeks ago, I saw over her shoulder while golfing, a message from her affair partner.
That was odd.
Later, I confronted her about it, explained the dreams, nightmares that I was having, that she was having an affair.
I broke down, hard.
She consoled me, and assured me that nothing was happening.
The next morning, I confronted her about her affair partner again.
I brought up the text messages again, she said, that she couldn't show me any, that she had deleted them.
She explained, that she knew I would be upset, as she was discussing our marriage, and her frustrations with me, being upset about the extra workload.
She couldn't explain what had happened, or was happening.
We went our separate ways that morning.
She said, she was writing down her thoughts.
Today, July 15th, I looked through the cell phone bill, on the same morning that she claimed to be alone, writing down her thoughts, she had a 36 minute phone call with him.
Obviously, I didn't know it then, but when we talked in subsequent conversations, I asked if she spoke with him that morning, she said no.
Since then, it's been trickle truths, layers after layers revealed about her true feelings, and evidently, some lies.
For a while, I was getting past the emotional affair.
We were having decent conversations.
However, after initiating marriage counseling and having two sessions, we determined that she needed, "time & space", to determine why she felt like she needed her "independence" at this time in our lives.
She feels "alive" with the quality, and quantity of work, and she knows she is excelling.
She doesn't feel connected to me at home.
Monday after work, she told me that "she loved me, but wasn't in love with me any more", and that she is going to explore this in individual counseling.
She had 1 individual counseling session already this week, and following that appointment, said that the therapist stated, that "people can fall out of love, and that she needed to validate her feelings".
Wayward wife validated it in session, and tearfully admitted again, that she is not in love with me anymore.
Wayward wife isn't sure if she wants to reconcile or not.
She said, that she needs more time.
She doesn't know how reconciliation would work.
She also doesn't know how divorce would work either.
We are comfortable in our small town, nice house, two great jobs, good support systems, but, she only has her dad, advanced onset of Alzheimer's, and I only have my mom, both of their spouses passed away 5 years ago.
Another inextricable bond of trauma.
I love her dad, and know, what hell it is going to be caring for him.
My mom knows the wayward wife only as her 4th child, as our families were very close through the years.
My siblings and their families love her.
Since Monday's bomb, I've been doing the one eighty, and grey rocking to decent effect.
She still says goodnight and goodbye, which I acknowledge, but don't reciprocate directly.
No “I LOVE YOU’S”, She's been sleeping in the basement since Monday.
I know she's crying herself to sleep.
I separate myself, and read on the porch in the evenings before retiring to bed.
The kids are picking up on the signals too.
I start individual counseling in 10 days or so.
I need advice, should I share the screenshot with the timestamp of the, "I'm writing down my thoughts" on June 4, as well as, the cell phone record, that shows the call timestamp and duration?
I don't know how it will damage my one eighty, gray rock work.
If I should wait, I need to know why I should hide this information, and for how long, or wait until the next confrontation, not initiated by me?
Was the call on D-day a cover your ass call?
Was it a breakup call?
Was it a, "let's change how we communicate '' call?
I don't know what I'd do with the information, but I've been considering divorce, in light of this new information today.
Thank you for reading this far, I found the sub this week, and have been reading since Monday night.
I'm sorry to all the other betrayed spouses out there, and I'm grateful to know that I'm not alone, and I hope that you know that you're not alone either.
It's been hell.
This Is an Update to the previous story.
“Wife of 21 Years was having an affair with a CO-WORKER”.
First, thank you to everyone who replied and gave me advice or recommendations.
Everyone’s support through comments, or DM has been helpful.
Friday came and went without any conversation.
She wept herself to sleep, and I was somehow able to get a few hours of sleep in the meantime.
The next morning was tense.
At some point, we were in the bedroom together getting ready for the day, and out of nowhere, she said, “I know we need to talk, I am just not sure when it’s appropriate, and how.”
She came in for a hug, the first in about a week.
I replied that it was her choice on the conversation, and reciprocated the hug.
We broke the hug eventually, no further physical contact ensued.
We took a few steps apart, and she started to speak.
After a few bullshit sentences, I was sensing it was my time, and best opportunity to bring in my evidence about the call to her affair partner on the morning of D-Day.
I demanded to know what the content of the conversation was.
I demanded to know the physical level of their emotional affair.
When I brought this all to light, wayward wife had a mini breakdown.
She dumped, what would end up being, half-truths about the situation.
It had gotten physical, but only kissing once.
Nothing else.
The call was to discuss what they were both feeling.
I was livid.
I continued to press.
The one kiss turned into four times, then to, “I don’t know, I don’t keep track of it”, finally, to multiple times weekly.
I asked her if I needed to take any STI tests, to which she was visibly shocked, and replied, no.
I pressed her on this multiple times, and throughout it, was always a defiant, “NO”.
I am inclined to believe her on this one.
I was able to eventually take her phone, and to confirm that everything had been deleted.
There were no texts, I already expected this, and to check other apps like Messenger.
That was the new channel to communicate, she admitted.
We had more conversation, and arguments about these new truths, and it was clear, in this moment, that she had no intention of breaking the affair off, and that she was in love with her affair partner, whether she could answer that or not, when I asked.
During the heat of the moment, I sent a message to the other betrayed spouse, and introduced myself, along with providing my phone number.
She has not contacted me yet.
Again, the wayward wife flipped out, not because I sent the message to a stranger, but because I was blowing up the AP’s bubble too.
I told the wayward wife, that she was no longer welcome in our house, and that she would have to stay at her fathers while the kids stayed with me.
She didn’t fight that, she offhandedly said I was kicking her out, I replied, that is what she wanted anyway.
This was the beginning of her desired separation, but it was on my terms, and my call to make.
We told the kids the basics of why she was leaving, but no details about the affair.
Our son broke down many times throughout the day, once we told them.
So sad.
I have placed a call to a recommended attorney, it’s the weekend, so I don’t expect a call until Monday.
Set up a consultation, and see where we go from here.
Wayward wife has not gotten better at concealing anything, she called, rather than FaceTime, or Messenger call, so I have additional records of them being in touch with one another.
She also started looking at Zillow listings in our area.
Anything she favorites, comes to my inbox as well, as we had that sharing set up from our past.
I have also spoken to the other betrayed spouse at length this morning.
She was blindsided.
I provided a timeline.
It synced with AP’s story.
I provided the details, which also synced up.
Or they corroborated their stories, to hide the sexual stuff, I don’t know.
AP was kicked out of his home too.
Her children hate him now, they are much younger than mine.
It’s all a disaster.
I’m not going to inform HR, I don’t want to jeopardize the dissolution process, and any favorable outcomes for me and the kids, by getting her fired.
Her mother had a history of deep depression.
Wayward wife also has suffered from depression, and anxiety over the years, she isn’t thinking clearly, but, it is too late for that now, I’m afraid.
She will only come crawling back, once she realizes AP is just as messed up.
I’ll be okay, I have a great family and support structure in town.
Great job, and an amazing boss who is aware of the basics of the issue, as I confided in him Thursday.
It will hurt, and I know there will be much more difficult times ahead, but for now, I’ll keep up with my running & exercise.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks again for any insight or further recommendations.
I Appreciate it!
If you enjoyed the story, please like, comment, and consider subscribing to the channel for more content, I sincerely appreciate your time.