Stu: Stu Stuman here with UNSN Sports!
The story everyone's talking about:
disgraced superstar Jimmy "Extermination" Murphy.
Or as he's known to his legion of fans:
"XT".
Or as he's known to the UNSC Corrections Department:
Inmate Number 71489.
Commissioner: Allegedly.
Stu: With me, is the Commissioner of the Grifball League,
who is once again ignoring calls to step down in the wake of this latest scandal.
Commissioner: Oh they always say that!
But I don't listen to the critics!
Stu: Hard to ignore when the cries are coming from the Players Association, the Coaches Union, Parents Organizations,
and even commissioners from other sports not related to Grifball.
Commissioner: I didn't say it was a small group of critics!
Stu: And now the number one draft pick,
the player whom you've paid a record-breaking signing bonus,
has been thrown in jail yet again.
This will be his tenth game missed this season.
Commissioner: Stu, I just wanna be perfectly clear about one thing!
He was paroled this morning!
Stu: XT Murphy let off with yet another slap on the wrist, and allowed to play as part as his community service agreement.
Commissioner: Sounds like a fine legal decision to me!
Stu: Indeed.
What are you planning to do with XT now that he's been cut from the team that drafted him,
for quote, unquote,
"Morality reasons"?
Commissioner: I'm not worried.
Stu: You're not worried about the young star of the league sitting on the sidelines
while collecting half of the revenue from the entire sport?
Commissioner: Not at all!
In fact, I already have a team lined up that would LOVE to have him on their roster!
And by loved, I mean begrudgingly accepted!
Flynt: Please don't say us.
Commissioner: And that team is...
Flynt: Don't say Slipspace, don't say Slipspace...
Commissioner: Team Ecapspils!
Flynt, relieved: Oh thank goodness.
Commissioner: Oh wait! Had that paper upside down.
Yeah it's Slipspace.
Flynt: Dammit!
Coach: You could almost see that comin'.
Stu: Slipspace bends over and takes ANOTHER one for the league!
How do they feel about that?
Chafed?
Commissioner: Actually I haven't given them the good news yet!
Hey let's make that call on the air!
It can be like one of those lifeline things!
On the show....with the thing....where you win the money.
Stu: That sounds like good journalism to me.
(Ringing)
Flynt: DON'T GET THAT. (continuous ringing)
Coach: Don't. Answer. (still ringing)
(Beep)
Tank: Hullo, Team Slipspace.
This is Tank speaking.
How may I be of assistance today?
Flynt: Tank, we told you not to answer the phone!
Commissioner: Hi there Tank,
may I please speak to your captain?
Tank: Sure.
Hold on a second.
Flynt: Tell them I'm not here.
Tank: But... you are here.
Flynt: Tell them I'm busy!
Tank: Woah hey look!
Tanks: I'm on TV!
Flynt: Tank!
Tank: Uh, what should I tell them you're busy doing?
Flynt: Anything!
Tank: Oh hey, yeah, uh,
he can't come to the phone right now because he's busy doing anything.
Stu: Really?
Tank: Yeah, and it turns out I'm not here either.
I'm on TV somewhere.
Stu: You know we can hear you guys.
Flynt: (sighs)
Flynt, enthusiastically: Hello?
Commissioner: Congratulations, Flynt!
You guys have a huge announcement to make!
Flynt: Really?
Do tell.
Commissioner: Fellas I want ya to meet Extermination Murphy!
Extermination Murphy: You can call me XT.
Commissioner: Extermination is going to be an EXCELLENT addition to your team!
Exciting, right?
See how I did that, triple "X"!
Coach: He even comes with his own packaging I see.
Commissioner: Maybe with this great opportunity Slipspace might actually be able to win some games this season!
Rookie: Man, every time you bring us a new opportunity, it costs us wins.
Commissioner: Well, don't worry. This time it's just costing you money.
Rookie: Good.
Wait, what?
Commissioner: Well XT is quite a hefty signing bonus.
1.5 million credits.
Somebody has to pay that.
Flynt: That's more than our whole teammates combined!
Commissioner: I know! It's more than half of the league's payroll!
Flynt: What if we don't want him?
Commissioner: Sorry my hands are tied.
I'm as upset about this decision as you guys are!
Flynt: You're the one making the decision!
Commissioner: But you know what they say!
Flynt: The Commissioner's a delusional bastard?
Commissioner: You have to spend money to make money!
And XT is going to be a huge star!
In the amateur leagues he dominated!
Grifball Player: No no please please please OWWWWWW!
XT: Now where did he go.....
Flynt: That was the amateur leagues.
In the pros, he's just a rookie.
Rookie: Oh that's right! He's a rookie!
Guess that means he gets to be called rookie now and not me!
I think I like this.
Commissioner: Actually his contract also stipulates that he can only be called "XT".
No unauthorized nicknames.
XT: It's really important that I build up my brand.
Rookie: Your brand?
XT: It's in my contract.
I've got a great agent; you should probably get one.
Rookie: Yeah...
Sounds like it.
Commissioner: So you get to keep your title Rookie! Congrats!
XT: Yeah, Rookie.
Rookie: Yeah I know, that's- that's great.
Commissioner: Without your position, XT here is a runner!
Rookie: What, no way!
I'M the runner for our team!
Commissioner: Not anymore!
How does "Blocker" sound?
Flynt: That SOUNDS like a decision Coach would make.
Coach?
COACH!
Coach: What, huh?
Sorry I was sleeping through most of that.
What happened?
Are we winning?
Flynt: Just go back to sleep Coach.
Commissioner: Sorry but XT has to be the runner.
Flynt: Lemme guess:
contract?
XT: Bingo Bango.
Commissioner: So whaddya say?
Will you accept the deal that I've already accepted on your behalf?
Flynt: Uhhhhhhhh...
Commissioner: Fan-tastic!
Flynt: Maybe you're right.
Our team could use a little help in the...
talent...department....
Rookie: Thanks Flynt.
Wait- that was a compliment, right?
Flynt: Also, the brains department.
But I don't know where we're supposed to get the extra money to pay the bonus.
We just don't have it.
Commissioner: Well you could always sell a few of your team assets.
Rookie: Like what?
Our hammers?
Our armour?
We kinda need those to play matches.
Commissioner: Ahem! Clears throat!
Flynt: Our entire stadium!?
Oh come on!
No!
Commissioner: Hey, you have to spend money to make money.
Flynt: That's just-
(Cha-ching)
Flynt, unenthusiastic: Ridiculous.
Commissioner: It's been a pleasure doing business with you guys!
And here's your new star player!
Rookie: I dunno guys.
Kinda think we made the right decision here.
Commissioner: You didn't exactly have a choice.
Flynt: Yeah, this might not be so bad.
He did dominate the amateur leagues.
Do you have the keys?
Commissioner: Uh, keys?
Flynt: Tooooo the cell?
Commissioner: Wha-what do you mean?
Flynt: (sighs) For the game?!
Commisioner: Ohhhh right right right yeah no no- no keys.
Ha-ha.
Flynt: No keys?
Commissioner: That's the condition of his release!
He has to remain inside the mobile prison cell for the rest of his life!
Did I not mention that part?
Flynt: We just sold you our entire stadium for a player who's confined to a CAGE?!
Rookie: Hey I TOLD you this was a bad idea.
Commissioner: It's all on how you look at it!
Commissioner: I suggest wearing a blindfold!
Flynt: Well I'M looking at it as a player who can't play, because he can only move three feet at a time!
Rookie: We have a game tonight against HARVEST.
What are we supposed to do with a runner in a cage?!
Commissioner: Well I wouldn't suggest a lot of running plays!
But hey I'm not the coach!
And I would NEVER interfere with anyone on your team!
Flynt: Coach, say something!
Coach: Huh?
Sorry.
I was sleepin' again.
Flynt: (sighs) Never mind.
Coach: How are they doing?
Flynt: Fine, other than the fact that our star runner can't run.
Rookie said that he was gonna try and work with the situation.
I guess he decided to be a team player.
Coach: He seems to be gettin' along with this new guy.
Flynt: Yeah, I thought he would be jealous.
Buuut it seems like they've patched things up.
It looks like they're dancing.
Coach: Kids today.
Who can even understand 'em with their polka and their jitterbug-
Commissioner: Hey, how's my favorite team doing?
Oh wait this is Slipspace.
Sorry, so what's up?
Flynt: Just getting ready for tonight's game, Comish.
Commissioner: Glad to hear it!
Flynt: What are you doing here?
Commissioner: Immoral support!
I mean moral support! I make that mistake all the time! Sorry!
It's in XT's contract that I give him frivolous compliments every five minutes on game day!
Good eye, XT!
Way to play!
Keep your chin up!
Try to win!
Stu: Ladies and gentlemen, Stu Stuman here from UNSN sports!
And tonight's action we have the Harvest Kings visiting Team Slipspace.
In a match up almost no one is talking about.
Rookie sensation Extermination Murphy is still doing hard time while on the court.
Should make for an interesting evening.
And now I'm being told I'll be fine for referring to him as a rookie,
something about a contract.
I hate this job! Let's take it down to the court!
Stu, over intercom: Ladies and gentlemen who's ready for some Grifball!?
Flynt: Hey Pounder.
Pounder: Hey Flynt.
I still owe you for what that alien did to me last season during that interview.
Flynt: That alien wasn't on our team Pounder.
Pounder: Whatever, you played them.
Flynt: And beat them!
Pounder: Right.
Flynt: Sooo wouldn't that mean we did you a favor?
Pounder: Whatever-
I'm taking out your superstar Flynt.
Gonna put him in a box.
Flynt: He's already in a box you moron!
Pounder: Whatever!
Flynt: Ughh you're an idiot.
Tank: Uh-oh, look out!
Pounder: Alright boys, we're up a point, so this time, just go for their superstar.
Flynt: This is a nightmare!
Rookie: Don't worry Flynt, we got it all worked out.
Isn't that right XT?
XT: Yeah.
Definitely.
Rookie: Just stay close to Tank.
We got this.
Pounder: Get him!
Harvest Kings: ARGHH!
Commissioner: Nice throw XT!
Keep it up!
Way to bamboozle!
Rookie: Alright alright now! Go go go! We're running it up!
Commissioner: Cagey maneuver XT!
Flynt: You guys, that was amazing!
I can't believe we ran an actual play!
XT: Beat it kid. This is my time to shine.
Rookie: Okay, if you say so. You're the big star here buddy.
Flynt: -and it worked!
Y'know Rookie, I'm really impressed that you handled this situation so maturely.
Would've gotten pretty easy to get pissed off about XT taking your spot and all.
Rookie: You know me!
Mature as a-
um,
a thing that's,
y'know,
mature.
Flynt: Hey, what's he doing?
Rookie: Oh well I maturely told XT that the most important part of the pro-league was our celebrations.
He's just stepping up to the big leagues.
Flynt: Um yeah but he's dancing over the ball.
Rookie: Yeah I figured his contract has him in that cell for the rest of his life.
Really kind of doing him a favor, y'know? Shortening that term.
XT: Are you ready for me pro leagues? 'Cause I'm about to blow up!
AUGHHHHHH!
Rookie: Heh ha. Oops.