Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck. I know that children sometimes struggle with standing up for
themselves against bullies. Maybe even when it's time to talk to an adult that they need to.
Well, in this video, we're going to talk about how to teach your kid to stand up for themselves.
I did foster care for a number of years and I brought treatment youth into my home.
They were all between the ages of 12 and 18 years old. And what I noticed was that many of them were
getting into trouble because they didn't know how to stand up for themselves. Did you know
that learning how to stand up for yourself and how to state your opinion, communicate effectively is
actually a way that you can stay out of trouble? I think some people think those strong-willed people
that always have something to say are the ones getting into trouble. But actually, it helps you
stay out of trouble too because then you're not behaving passively. So many of the foster children
that came to my home actually were passive even though they kept getting into trouble. They were
just following the wrong people even though many of them knew that they shouldn't. When a person
is passive, that usually means that they feel like they're the victim of their circumstances.
Whatever happens to them, they don't have any control over and they don't know what to do about
it. So, they just go with the flow. They're trying not to create waves and sometimes they're creating
problems for themselves and for others. So, what's the solution to standing up for yourself?
Definitely not passive. That's the problem. But the solution is not the opposite of passive. So,
the opposite of passive is aggressive. That actually creates a whole other set of problems. We
don't want to teach our children to be aggressive. Because when you take a stand for yourself,
that doesn't necessarily mean violence. What it does mean is being able to be heard,
get your point across. But there's no reason you can't do that in a respectful dignified manner.
The answer is to be assertive. So, what does it mean to be assertive? When a person is assertive,
then they're proactive. That means they've planned ahead of time "How is it that I want
to communicate?" They are deliberate in their communication. And they also have calmness in
their tone. So, can we teach our children to do all those things? Absolutely. Just so you know,
parents are the best exemplar of this. So, be sure to be working on your own assertive communication.
This is something that i teach in all of my parenting things. So, if you want to learn
more about how to be an assertive parent and teach your children even more about assertiveness than
we're going to get to in this video, you can always go to teachingselfgovernment.com and
find some help with that. So, this is how you teach a person to take a stand for themselves.
In fact this is the very same process that they are going to use when they take a stand
for themselves. So, the first thing that you do is you pre-teach them the skill that they need. Now,
what skills does a person need when they're going to stand up for what they think? Or maybe defend
themselves or somebody else? They need to have a skill called disagreeing appropriately (1).
That skill is going to help them learn how to seek to understand the other person's point of
view but also be sure to share their point of view too. This skill has 7 steps to it. You look at the
person, keep a calm face voice and body. Say that you understand the other person's point of view.
Share your point of view, listen to what they have to say, and then you drop the subject. Unless of
course that person is coming after you, you might not be able to drop the subject. You might have to
do something to defend yourself. But you certainly don't have to carry the subject in your mind of
worry, of anger, or frustration. When we say drop the subject, what we mean is don't allow
it to plague you. Let those negative thoughts go and don't allow them to rule over you. You
can still continue to handle a problem even though you are not carrying on those negative thoughts.
The best way to learn to disagree appropriately is to disagree appropriately with parents.
So, parents are going to be teaching the skill to disagree appropriately. And if it works with you,
they will try it in the future. If they ask you, "May I disagree appropriately", then you say,
"Yes, you may disagree appropriately." And you give them the opportunity to practice with you.
The answer is always yes unless they've already disagreed appropriately with you and you've given
them a no answer. Then they're not accepting the no answer and that means that they're trying to
undermine your parental authority. So, children do need to learn about parental authority even
though you're going to teach them how to take a stand for themselves publicly and with other
people. Even with you, they do need to always remember to respect authority. I think that's one
way that our society is going off when it comes to taking a stand right now. We don't want our
children to be pushed over and not take a stand. But then sometimes, we're pushing them toward
aggressiveness which means that then they don't honor anyone especially even people in authority.
And if they don't honor anyone in authority, then our whole societal structure crumbles
and then we have bigger problems to deal with. This doesn't mean that the people in authority are
always doing the right thing. We absolutely know that people in authority can do the wrong thing
just like anybody else. Because well, they're people. But we do need to remember to honor their
authority. When I meet with legislators or people about trying to change bills or alter legislation,
I always treat them with respect, kindness. I seek to understand them. Just like I do in the skill
disagree appropriately. And then I share my point of view and see if we can come to common ground.
That's the better way to work with someone. There's no need to get angry and aggressive.
When you're not getting your way, just talk about it a little bit better. So, it is the parents
talking to the children and listening to those appropriate disagreements from the children that
teach the children to seek to understand other people and that will help them take a better stand
in the future because they know they don't need to be afraid of it. They have a skill. They have
something to hold on to so that they can be heard but they don't have to be violent. They don't have
to be aggressive. Many people don't want to take a stand because they think the opposite
of being passive and just taking whatever happens to you is that you have to be aggressive. And
they're afraid of that. They don't want to get hurt. And do you blame them? So, they don't need
to get hurt. And I think we need to make sure they know that. You know this skill, you don't have
to get hurt. Now, what happens when somebody is actually trying to attack them physically and they
need to take a stand for themselves? What do we do there? Because that situation is very unique.
I don't know if you're dealing with it at your house. But I'm going to take just a brief minute
and talk about that. For your child to handle a bully or somebody who won't listen to them,
they need to follow 3 steps. Step number 1 is they pre-teach. Just like you pre-taught them, they are
going to pre-teach the bully or whoever it is. So, if somebody is pushing them saying mean things,
then they need to say something to them like, "You keep saying mean words to me. You're bullying me.
You need to stop doing that otherwise I will have to take this action." Whatever the action is.
Maybe they go and talk to an adult about it. Or maybe if the person is attacking them physically,
they'll say, "Then I will have to punch you in the face". Now, here's the thing:
I am not for violence in any way. But there was a situation that happened one time with my son
on a soccer team. And one of his teammates was bullying one of the other players on the team.
And so my son actually went and talked to the coach to the assistant coach. They said, "Oh, oh,
oh. That's really bad." But nobody did anything about it. He was so frustrated. He stopped wanting
to go to soccer. And I said, "Honey you need to go and you need to handle the situation.
If nobody will handle it, you might have to handle it." And he was like, "Really?" And I said, "Yeah,
honey." Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself. If nobody else is going to stand up
for you, somebody's got to. So, what you do is you tell that bully, "Hey, if you push me down
one more time then I'm going to have to lay you flat" I said, "Are you willing to lay that other
child flat, son?" And he thought about it and he said, "Yes, mom. Because he's doing it to everyone
on the team." So, then I said, "Well, then tell him if he touches one more person on the team,
if he pushes anybody, then you're gonna lay him flat. And you have to be willing to do it."
And he said, "Okay." At the next soccer practice, this bully player started saying mean things and
pushing people down. My son recognized this was the time. He went over to this other child and he
said, "If you push anybody else down on this team, I'm going to lay you flat." Now, the coaches heard
him say it which meant the coaches weren't going to do anything about it. So, immediately that boy
went and pushed one of the other players down and turned and looked at my son. Well, my son
had to make good on his word. So, at that point he laid the boy flat. The boy cried, he got up,
he ran home and didn't finish the soccer practice for the night. And you know what? The coaches did
nothing. But here's step number 3. So, step number 1 is pre-teach the person. This is what
I'm going to have to do if you don't stop this. Step number 2 is actually take the stand. Be
willing to do what you said you would do but do it with calmness with clear thinking not with anger
or frustration. And then step 3, go and talk to people about it so everybody knows what happened.
So, my son immediately went over the coach and the assistant coach and said, "Listen,
I told him if he kept pushing other people down on the team that I was going to have to lay him flat.
And then he just kept doing it so I did that. And that's why he ran home." And the coaches
were like, "Okay. Well, sounds like you handled it." Now, is that the best way for something to
be handled? No. That's not the best way. I wish my son didn't have to go through it that way.
But I do feel like there's one good lesson that he learned. He learned that when you need to take a
stand against a bully, you tell the bully, "This is what's going to happen if it doesn't fix."
And then you don't be afraid. You take the stand even if it means you could get hurt.
And then you talk about it. It's not anything hidden or secretive. Because you pre-taught, you
didn't do anything wrong. You only took a stand because no one else was there to protect you.
And that's how you handle a problem with a bully and how you take a stand in a situation that's
a little bit more complex than just disagreeing appropriately with someone. However, I will say
in that situation, my son disagreed appropriately with that bully soccer player many, many times.
And he disagreed appropriately with the coaches. No action was taken. Then he had to do something
to protect himself and the other players. Now, I don't want you to panic over the story that I
just shared. That is the most extreme story that we've ever had in our family. In fact,
I'm not a parent that condones children hitting each other. I don't let my children hit each other
when they have squabbles. We handle problems in a different way. We accept no answers, we disagree
appropriately, we use assertive communication. And that is the ideal. That's what you should be doing
every single time. But there are those occasional circumstances where a story might unfold like what
I mentioned with my son on the soccer field as an 8-year-old. Now, here's the thing: Not every child
has the personality or the disposition that my child had. Now, number 1, my son was bigger than
almost anybody else on the team. Number 2, my son was not afraid to take action like that. When I
asked him, "Well, would you be willing to lay him flat?" Meaning push this other child down so that
he would know somebody was going to stand up for somebody on the team. And he said yes. There might
be some families and some children where that would definitely not work. But then what you do
is you pre-teach, "Okay, this is what you're doing and this is not okay. This is what you
should be doing. And if you choose not to behave in a way that's appropriate with me, then this is
the action I will take", right? So, some people might take legal action. Call in authorities.
Some people would go to higher ups in the soccer thing or whatever or get their parents involved.
There's other things that you could have done. At that moment, I felt prompted that that was the way
that my child should handle the situation. And he could handle it that way. And I didn't want
him to be the child who always cowered, who always felt like he had to be the victim that everything
happened to him and there was nothing he could do. Especially when he had gone to the coaches
repeatedly for help with the situation and nothing was happening. I had even talked to the coaches
and nothing was happening. So, anyway, just wanted to explain a little bit. You don't need to handle
the situation exactly the same if you've got a bully in your neighborhood that's bothering your
child. But do make a plan for what action will be taken. I think that's the most important thing.
If the good, calm communication does not work which usually it does for handling most situations
when someone needs to take a stand for what they think, then you sometimes might have to
go to these other angles. So, hopefully, that wasn't too much for you. Hopefully,
you thought that was interesting, engaging. Maybe to think about I could add a lot more to it. So,
hopefully I didn't leave enough holes in it that people are asking too many questions about what I
just mentioned or assuming too many things. I want you to know i don't believe in violence. When you
take a stand for something, it's the point is to be heard. That's what we need our children to be
--is understood heard and feel like that they have a way to protect themselves or get the protection
that they need. And that requires a plan. And that's the whole point of what we're talking about
today. When you govern yourselves, you make a plan for how to have that assertive communication.
So, we've discussed how to help a child solve the problem of not knowing how to stand up
for themselves. There are so many other skills that we need to teach our children so that they
learn how to solve the problems that are facing them in their lives. If you've liked this video,
I know you're going to love the next one which is how to teach problem-solving skills
to children. So, go ahead and click on that link and we'll see you there.