-Thank you so much for watching, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Guys, it is a big night for NBC.
It is the start of BTS Week
here on "The Tonight Show"! [ Cheers and applause ]
We have something special for you BTS fans
in a couple minutes.
Also, a huge night for hockey --
if you just watched Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Playoffs,
that means you're either drunk and happy
or drunk and very angry. [ Laughter ]
I actually watched the game through my plastic face shield,
so I feel like I was really there.
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, tonight, we got to see white guys
brutally attack each other for two hours,
so it was a pretty good preview of tomorrow night's debate.
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some politics.
Well, guys, last night, "The New York Times"
published a bombshell report
about President Trump's personal finances.
Yep, somehow "The Times" got their hands
on Trump's long-hidden tax records,
and what they found was not good.
Listen to this. -The "New York Times" reports
it's obtained two decades' worth
of President Trump's tax returns.
-"The Times" reports that the President paid no income taxes
in 10 of the last 15 years.
-That's right -- Trump has not paid income taxes
in 10 of the last 15 years, although, honestly,
wouldn't it have been more shocking
if Trump had paid taxes in those years?
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, when the news broke, Trump was furious.
He was like, "Why did I pay taxes for those five years?"
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, when it comes to avoiding taxes,
Trump knows every loophole.
For instance, on next year's taxes,
he plans on claiming his coronavirus response
as a total loss.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] What?
Thank you. It's a clapper.
It's a clapper. Some laughs, some claps.
Well, someone close to Trump must have provided the records.
When asked who might have a grudge against him,
Trump was like, "Other than 65 tell-all book authors,
no one comes to mind." [ Laughter ]
So Trump didn't pay any income taxes for 10 out of 15 years.
Big deal.
I'm sure when Trump did pay something, it was a lot.
-In 2016, the year Trump won the White House,
he paid just $750 in income tax.
-$750!
I don't know what he should have paid,
but it is definitely more than an Xbox and a half.
[ Laughter ]
$750?! That's great.
In today's money, Trump basically paid the equivalent
of a 1993 Toyota Tercel.
[ Laughter ]
Even people who use the free version of TurboTax
are like, "That can't be right."
[ Laughter ]
The report also found that, on top of not paying taxes,
Trump wrote off a bunch of expenses
that seemed kind of suspicious.
-The paper also accuses
the President and his companies
of claiming questionable deductions
on some of those businesses.
More than $109,000 for linens and silverware
and nearly $200,000 for landscaping.
He also wrote off more than $70,000 in haircuts
when he was on "The Apprentice."
-The crazy part isn't that he spent $70,000 on his hair --
it's that, clearly, $70,000 wasn't enough.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Should have went with $150,000.
Landscaping.
The most damaging part of the report also shows
that Trump might not be
the billionaire expert businessman he claims to be.
-"The Times" says documents show the President
reported more than $47 million in losses in 2018 alone,
and he faces a personal debt totaling $421 million,
money that could come due while he is in office
if he's elected to a second term.
-Wow. This news comes as a huge shock.
I mean, all this time, I thought
the guy who lost money running a casino
was a financial wiz.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Trump's got to pay back $421 million.
In response, college kids with student loans are like,
"Holy crap! I'm richer than the president!"
[ Laughter ]
Basically, this is who Trump says he is,
and this is who he really is.
[ Laughter ]
I guess that, when you owe that kind of money,
you start doing desperate things.
Look at what I saw today on Zillow.
He's selling the White House.
[ Laughter ]
I'll check it out at an open house.
I'm not sure if I'm going to buy it.
Since 2000, Trump's reported over $300 million in losses
just from his golf courses.
Would have been a better investment
if Trump opened up a RadioShack
inside a Blockbuster inside a Sears.
[ Laughter ]
It wasn't all bad news for Trump this weekend.
On Saturday, he officially named his nominee
to replace the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg
on the Supreme Court.
-It is my honor to nominate
one of our nation's most brilliant and gifted legal minds
to the Supreme Court.
She is a woman of unparalleled achievement,
towering intellect, sterling credentials,
and unyielding loyalty to the Constitution,
Judge Amy Coney Barrett.
-Whew! Good Lord, that took forever.
By the time Trump was done with the introduction,
he had to fill three more Supreme Court seats.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, the only thing Trump will drag out longer
are the results of the election.
Of course, the presidential election is heating up,
and the first debate is tomorrow night.
It'll be a little different than debates we've seen in the past.
Watch this.
-Joe Biden and President Trump
are preparing to face off for the first time.
Now, this debate will be very different from debates past
due to the coronavirus pandemic.
Biden and Trump will not shake hands,
there will be a much smaller audience,
and everyone on hand will be tested for COVID-19.
-Yep. The debate is almost here right now.
Biden plans on throwing Trump off
by walking out in a hat that says "I.R.S."
[ Laughter ]
Because of COVID, the candidates
won't start the night while shaking hands --
well, partly because of COVID,
but mostly 'cause Trump just doesn't know how to shake hands.
♪♪
-Yeah, I know. Yeah.
♪♪
-[ Chuckles ] How you doing there?
Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, boy.
[ Laughter ] That's...
Oh, boy...
That's right -- the candidates won't start the evening
by shaking hands.
Instead, it'll be like a wedding dance floor,
where Biden casts a line at Trump and then reels him in.
[ Laughter ]
With the debate happening tomorrow night,
both Trump and Biden have been busy
preparing what they're going to say.
And we actually managed to get our hands
on some video of Trump's debate prep.
Check this out.
[ Bird chirps ]
-Alright, the big debate's tomorrow, and we gotta prep.
We gotta prep.
If I blow this, there's no telling
how many tens of people will change their minds about me.
That's why I asked you,
my loyal team of future tell-all authors,
to come up with questions.
So, hit me. What do we got?
-Mr. President, first question --
when will the COVID vaccine be ready?
-Easy. Tomorrow. [ Laughter ]
Definitely tomorrow. It's coming out immediately.
And, look, it's a very wonderful vaccine.
Tastes great.
Very delicious vaccine -- gonna to be grape probably.
We have our scientists working around the clock,
mixing [inhales sharply] the vials and the beakers,
and it's turning the liquid into different colors.
Just incredible.
Right now, it's very green and bubbly,
and it unleashes smoke in the shape of a skull,
so it's looking good.
Next question.
-Mr. President, is it true that,
in 2016 and '17, you paid $750 in federal income taxes?
-Absolutely false. -Excellent.
Great, clear answer.
-I paid $350.
-Okay, maybe let's just skip that.
-Sir, what's your view on climate change?
-Look, I've said it before. We love the climate.
The scientists -- they don't even know.
They don't even know.
I watch WKTG -- their meteorologist.
He gets the climate wrong most every day.
He says, "It's raining." There's no rain.
He says, "It's sunny," but I look at my phone,
and the sun's behind a little cloud.
Very sad.
It's a tough thing -- the climate.
[ Inhales sharply ] Very tough. Very tough thing.
-Mr. President, if you win...
-Ah-bah, ah-bah -- when I win.
[ Laughter ] How about when I win?
-...when you win,
how exactly are you gonna unite the country?
-I'm going to pass on that one. -Okay.
How will you ease racial tension?
-Ooh, big pass.
-Back to your taxes -- -Double-dog pass.
-Well, I think we need an answer for that.
-I said double-dog, so, legally, you have to pass.
They said I can have three passes.
Didn't they say that?
Can we look into that? Three passes?
-What do you think of Biden's plan to --
-Look, the thing about -- the thing about Biden,
can I just say the thing about Biden
is that he's a nasty woman.
[ Laughter ] He's such a nasty woman.
-Sorry, you said that about Hillary.
-That's right.
I'm bringing back all the classics.
No one goes to a Counting Crows concert
to hear the new stuff, folks.
With me, it's "Mr. Jones" all night.
By the way, that's where I -- that's where I drop the mic.
-You won't have a mic, sir.
-Well, I'll -- I'll drop this one, then.
[ Clicking, fabric rustling ] -Not that kind of mic.
[ No audio ]
We can't hear you now, sir. [ Laughter ]
[ Clicking, fabric rustling ]
-Hello?
-Sir, civil unrest is widespread across the country.
-Yes, it's very unrestful. People are very upset.
They're throwing cans of tuna.
Very sad for tuna. Next?
-Finally, will you accept the outcome of the election
if you don't win?
-I will absolutely. Definitely.
[ Clicking, fabric rustling ]
[ No audio ]
-Sir, we can't hear -- [ Laughter ]
Oh, he knows.
[ No audio ]
[ Applause ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-How did we get our hands on that debate prep?
And, finally, right before the debate,
Joe Biden just picked up a big endorsement from Dwayne Johnson.
Check it out.
-I do feel that Vice President Biden
and Senator Harris
are the best choice to lead our country,
and I am endorsing them
to become President and Vice President
of our United States.
-Yeah. Biden said, "Thanks for endorsing me."
Then Dwayne said, "Just return the favor in 2024."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, Trump was disappointed.
He was like, "How could you not pick me?
People are always saying I'm as smart as a rock."
[ Laughter ] Hang on.
Can we see Dwayne again?
The guy is jacked. -Whoo!
-If you check the tag on that shirt,
the size actually says "statue." [ Laughter ]