• From loveable mad scientists actually being suicidal to a something that could save
a Shyamalan film we look 10 scariest movie theories.
10 – Harry Potter and the Child Abuse Fantasy, • Well this one isn’t very pleasant, everyone’s
favourite boy wizard is actually not that at all and is just a kid going insane under
the stairs?
• Well at least that’s what this theory states with those believing it saying “oh
no Harry just invented the whole magic world to deal with his psychotic guardians”.
Basically saying that because all of Harry’s injuries are ones like broken arms and grazed
skin it must be evidence of the child abuse he is suffering entering his delusion.
• Really it’s not hard to see how this one came about I mean what’s more realistic,
an owl is delivering his mail or he is getting beaten senseless by his uncle every night.
You decide.
9 – Doc Brown tries to kill himself, • Building a time machine got you down?
Selling off your fortune and being the town laughing stock giving you the blues?
Well just buy a DeLorean and smack some crazy shit on it and run yourself over!.....wait
what?
• This theory uses the scene where Doc first tests the time machine and drives it at 88
MPH towards himself using a remote control.
Why would you drive an experimental car towards you unless you wanted to die if it failed
to work right?
• Fair enough, I’d want to die if my magic DeLorean didn’t work too.
Still bit of a dick move as he would have killed Marty as well who’s standing right
next to him…or maybe that was his plan….
8 – Skynet Planned EVERYTHING, • So you know how the Terminator films are
chronologically fucked up and how Skynet seems like it should have been able to wipe out
the resistance easily…well this theory says it’s all part of the plan that we puny humans
can’t understand.
• So the theory goes that without humanity, Skynet and its massive military complex is
useless without a resistance to fight.
Oh and that they also knew that they needed to send terminators back in time to create
themselves.
Which means they also needed the humans to go back to destroy the terminator and timey
wimey magic Skynet is its own grandfather.
• It’s scary to think that no matter what the machines will win and keep the humans
in a perpetual hellish war ravaged world.
At least the machines in the matrix had the decency to put the humans in virtual reality.
Skynet’s a dick. 7 – Toy Story 3 is actually about the holocaust,
• What do you mean the darkest Toy Story film actually is a retelling of the holocaust
just with children for Nazis and Aliens for allied nations fighting to save them?
• Yes this dark as black theory states that Andy represents the nations giving up the
toys who represent the Jewish people to a day care which represents a concentration
camp.
Oh and the whole incinerator ending thing plays a large part in the theory as well.
But the alien toys rescue them so they are of course the Allied nations coming to kill
Hitler er..
I mean Lotso.
But maybe it’s all just coincidental I mean it’s not like they try to hide in the attic
like Ann Frank’s family or anyt…oh wait…
• So in summary Aliens are the United States, Woody is Jewish and wears a star and a pick
fuzzy bear is a genocidal maniac and moustache enthusiast.
6 – The Shinning is Kubrick’s Confession, • Get your tin foil hats ready because this
one is going to drag you kicking and screaming into the crazy conspiracy zone whether you
like it or not.
• Apparently we never went to the moon, nope it was all on a film set ala Capricorn
One and the director of this grand charade was none other than Stanley Kubrick.
Crazy you say?
Well not if you see his clear confession littered throughout The Shinning.
This includes Danny’s Apollo 11 sweater, the creepy twins being a reference to ‘Gemini’
spacecraft and the carpet pattern being the same as the rocket’s launch pads.
Oh and “All work and no play” which actually is A 11 not all.
Get it?
• So it’s all really super convincing that this random stuff is connected to Apollo
11 if you look at it in just the right crazy way.
This one is scary just because it will make you question everything you thought you knew…
5 – Wall-e Went Rogue, • How can that little garbage robot possibly
be scary?
Look at his cute little eyes and the way he collects junk.
What’s the worst he possibly could have done?
How about murdered all the other Wall-e units to protect his junk collection?
• That’s right this theory believes that Wall-e is defective and that’s why he saves
some items instead of crushing them and as to why he is the only unit left working.
He murdered the others because they wanted to destroy his trash pile!
I mean jeez man was your collection of hubcaps worth almost dooming the Earth?
Imagine a prequel where Wall-e is stalking and collecting body parts off all the other
units just so he can finish his vintage star wars figure collection
• Then again hundreds of years of sorting through people’s used condoms and unsold
Jar Jar Binks Pez dispensers would drive anyone to murder.
4 – The aliens in Signs are really demons • What’s that?
A theory that makes a Shyamalan film better?
It can’t be possible, nothing could make that twist make sense.
Well we better hear it.
• So Y’know how the whole aliens invading a planet that is 2 thirds water when their
one weakness is water is absolutely ridiculous for an advanced species who have mastered
intergalactic travel well what if they are actually demon from hell!
It makes some sense with the spiritual overtones throughout the film and would have been perhaps
an even better twist than the one we got.
Maybe its holy water they are allergic too and Mel blessed all those glasses.
Makes sense right?
• Plus demons are much scarier than aliens who can’t work out not to invade a planet
full of acid.
But it does raise the question over why the demons decided to use crop circles and why
none of them were pentagrams. 3 – Willy Wonka and the child murder factory,
• So this one we have probably assumed since Wonka took those kids on the boat ride from
hell.
Oh and well just the how child negligence thing in general.
• Basically it goes that Wonka is actually a bloodthirsty serial killer using his factory
tour as a smokescreen to get his rocks off by murdering children in his death traps.
Think about, there isn’t a single safety sign in that whole damn factory.
In fact I highly doubt there is even an Oompa Loompa in charge of OH&S.
• Then again most of the children are victims of their own faults and what’s gonna happen
to Charlie then?
Maybe Wonka will train him in his murderous ways instead of killing him in a future factory
accidently.
Either way that’s a sequel I want to see.
2 – Childs is The Thing, • So when you end your film on an ambiguous
note people will always come over it to try and find an answer.
They will comb through scripts, commentaries and come to conclusions like this.
• The Thing ends with Macready just killing off what we assume is the last of the creature
but here comes Childs.
Unsure of each other’s identity they sit down for a drink with freezing to death as
a chaser.
The theory being that Macready actually gives Childs one of the gasoline Molotov cocktails
to drink because maybe the thing can’t taste?
• Ha got you shape shifting bastard.
Too bad Macready can’t do shit about it and this would mean that the whole film has
probably been pointless as the rescue team that eventually goes there will get infected
by Childs frozen body and bam end of the world.
1 – Totoro is the god of death, • What?
Another cute children’s character that is actually something terrible underneath?
What is it with these theories and wanting to destroy cute things?
• This one is pretty well known and basically draws parallels between the film and a murder
case called dubbed ‘The Sayama Incident’ where a 16 year old girl was kidnapped, raped
and murdered.
The older sister also committed suicide after the murder.
While the movie features no rape and murder there are interesting parallels between the
case and the film that lead to the only conclusion that the cute racoon dog is the lord of the
dead.
• But imagine how much easier death would be if Totoro was the one coming to collect
your soul, seriously who could say no to that face.
Of course I’ll give you my soul for eternal torture you kawaii bastard.