And I realized that age ain't nothing but a number,
but it also a very accurate barometer of how old you are.
And 36 is one of the first truly disappointing ages.
You know, even marketing people realize that
'cause they've divided our lives into three main bits.
It's like zero to 18, and they're kids,
and they like brightly-colored things.
And then there's 18 to 34,
and they're the key demographic,
'cause they're the people who fall in love
and feel emotion and take risks
and appreciate technology.
And there's just 35 to death,
and we like Michael Bublé
and going on cruises.
It's just that you never hear of...
You never hear of 36-year-olds
doing anything particularly innovative.
You know, on the news, it's always,
"This seven-year-old has invented the Internet
on vegetables."
But for 36-year-olds, it's always something
much more bleak than that.
It's always, "The suspect, 36,
exposed himself to the mourners in the pet cemetery."
I realize 36 isn't particularly old.
If you're 40, you're going, like, 36 is nothing.
Yeah, but in the same way
that when you were 18,
you'd look at 21-year-old girls and be like, "Ugh,
I'd never kiss one of those haggard old wenches."
It's about context, really.
You just have to make peace
with the fact that you're gonna have different interests
to 20-year-olds for the rest of your life.
There's nothing sadder than doing comedy shows
with 36-year-old comedians
who think they still know what the kids like.
Like, "Woo! I know what you're into:
"fax machines and Ninja Turtles.
Wassup?"
I waste a lot of my life looking at the Internet.
I recently finished the Internet.
I don't know if you've ever done that,
but a picture of Bill Gates
comes up like that,
and you get to enter your initials.
It's just...
I think because biologically, at my age, I should have a child,
and because I don't, I've just adopted the Internet
as some sort of surrogate child.
And like a child, it sort of
give me cuteness in return.
It's like, "Look, Daddy, a piglet in wellingtons."
And I'm like, "Oh, Internet, you are so cute."
And it just draws me into its vortex of time.
You'll be like, "You better check your e-mail."
"Oh, I better check my e-mail."
"Better check your old e-mail, even though
no one ever e-mails you on it." "Oh, I better look at that."
"Better look at the news." "Better look at..."
"Better look at international news as well,
in case the Irish news is making it all up again."
"Oh, better do that." "Better look at eBay
"and see if there's tiny keyboards for sale.
(groans) "Better look at dogsindistress.com,
even though I couldn't possibly foster a puppy."
And then somehow, it's three hours later,
and I'm lying on the floor of my bedroom,
looking at No Doubt videos from 1996.
"It's true, she is just a girl in the world."
(laughter)
This is a song about technology.
♪ My friend was in a restaurant on a date ♪
♪ And the date was going really badly ♪
♪ The guy was the most boring and stupid guy ♪
♪ He'd ever been on a date with ♪
♪ And he was wondering why he'd gone on a date ♪
♪ With such a boring and stupid guy ♪
♪ Just then, the boring and stupid guy ♪
♪ Got up and went to the loo, and my friend decided ♪
♪ To send a text message ♪
♪ To another one of our friends outlining the ways ♪
♪ In which they guy was both boring and stupid ♪
♪ And including in it some direct quotes ♪
♪ Of things that he'd said that were boring and stupid ♪
♪ But when the boring and stupid guy came back from the loo ♪
♪ He could barely talk, and he'd obviously just been crying ♪
♪ And my friend realized ♪
♪ That he'd sent a text to the person the text was about ♪
♪ Yes, he'd sent a text to the person the text was about ♪
♪ I was once breaking up ♪
♪ With this girl, and it was quite a messy breakup ♪
♪ I believed that she was carrying on ♪
♪ With an ex-boyfriend of hers, at least that was my theory ♪
♪ So, I decided to tell a friend of mine ♪
♪ That lives in London about my theory, but I decided ♪
♪ To tell him through the medium of a text message ♪
♪ Now, the thing is ♪
♪ My friend who lives in London ♪
♪ His name is like one digit different from her name ♪
♪ Like, his name's Paul, and her name's Paula ♪
♪ That's an inappropriate example I shouldn't use ♪
♪ 'Cause Paula's the name of another girl ♪
♪ I used to go out with, and this song is not about Paula ♪
♪ Paula's great ♪
♪ I guess I must have been leaping down ♪
♪ Through the names in my mobile phone and must have seen ♪
♪ The first few letters of his name and hit send ♪
♪ As the Nokia sending icon flashed backwards and forwards ♪
♪ I realized what I'd done ♪
♪ And felt simultaneously more alive ♪
♪ And yet more dead than I'd ever felt before ♪
♪ Because I'd sent a text to the person the text was about ♪
♪ You can try and pretend that it was just a joke ♪
(giggles)
♪ That you were just being inappropriately rude ♪
♪ In a hilarious over-the-top inappropriately jokey way ♪
♪ But you can never be sure if the person believes you ♪
♪ So, your relationship's effectively ruined anyway ♪
♪ You can just be honest and apologize ♪
♪ But now they know what you actually think about them ♪
♪ Probably the best thing you can do is just delete ♪
♪ Their details from your phone ♪
♪ And hope you never, ever, ever see them ♪
♪ Again ♪
♪ A couple of years ago ♪
♪ I was doing this song for the first time ♪
♪ And originally it was just the first two verses ♪
♪ And it ended with that last bit right there ♪
♪ And on my way home, after tying out the song ♪
♪ I felt a text message in my pocket ♪
♪ So I pulled over my bike to see who it was from ♪
♪ It was from a friend of mine who'd been at the gig ♪
♪ And the text message said ♪
♪ "That was the worst gig I've ever seen him do ♪
♪ "He used to be funny, but he's really lost it lately ♪
♪ Complete bull(bleep)" ♪
♪ And even though he phoned up a minute later ♪
♪ And we had a good laugh ♪
♪ About what a hilarious prank he'd played ♪
♪ I still can't be sure ♪
♪ He didn't send the a text ♪
♪ To the person the text was about. ♪
Thank you.
(cheering)