[Please keep these subs clean for deaf viewers If you want the funny subs, they're now in English (Canada)]
[Alarm ringing]
RIN: (Groans) [Alarm ringing]
Ugh! [Alarm ringing]
[Alarm ringing]
Fine, I get it! I'm UP! [Alarm ringing]
Fine, I get it! I'm UP!
'Another important day at school, Rin...'
'You've got a math test to study for,'
'teachers to suck up to,'
'and creepy boys to reject - *exclusively* Shinji...'
Alternatively...
GONNA GET MAGICAL UP IN HERE!
Legendary spirits from across time and space,
Heroes who save mankind time and time again,
I summon you to me now...
Aid me as I Murder-Death-Kill!
AAH!
Get *dunked* on, school!
Has school ever let me meet a hero from the past?! I don't think so--!
...But, um... where--?
[Crash] Ah!
100 Percent Maximum, No Chill! Ugh!
???: Hmph...
RIN: MY LIVING ROOM! You broke my house!
???: I saw a spider, so I threw a table at it.
It survived, so I threw a cabinet.
This continued; the spider escaped.
I assure you, I mean to track it down.
RIN: My house aside, I fully intended on summoning a Saber Servant...
???: My apologies...
RIN: ...And surprising NOBODY,
I TOTALLY SUCCEEDED!
SABER?: Wait... you don't think I'm--
RIN: Nice to meet you Saber. I'm Rin.
I'm the Master - yours of course - who's going to be engaging in the time-honored tradition
of indiscriminate murder during this generation's Murder-Death-Kill!
SABER?: The Holy Grail War.
RIN: Did I stutter?
SABER?: What makes you think I'm the type who would so callously slaughter at your behest?
RIN: First of all, Saber...
SABER?: I'm not--
RIN: ...Making personal decisions isn't in your wheelhouse right now. Capiche?
Second of all: Name. Yours. Gimme.
SABER?: Let's get a couple of things straight here, Master.
I am an Archer. Not a Saber.
RIN: That's not possible.
ARCHER: Furthermore, I have no memory of who I am, and will not be going out of my way to accommodate you.
During this war, I will fight as *I* see fit.
*When* I see fit.
RIN: White hair, red clothes, pathological liar...
ARCHER: Now that that's settled... RIN: Destroyed my house and didn't apologize...
Condescending, self-absorbed...
ARCHER: You okay there, Red?
RIN: I FIGURED IT OUT! YOU'RE ACTUALLY SATAN!
ARCHER: That's uncalled for...
RIN: Actually Satan! By the power of my Command Seal...!
ARCHER: THAT'S UNCALLED FOR!
RIN: ...I command you to not attempt to condemn my soul
into the fiery pits of Hell, or perform any occult activities
ARCHER: Are you insane!? into the fiery pits of Hell, or perform any occult activities
into the fiery pits of Hell, or perform any occult activities
Do you have any idea how *valuable those are*?! into the fiery pits of Hell, or perform any occult activities
Do you have any idea how *valuable those are*?! including, but not limited to ritual sacrifices!
including, but not limited to ritual sacrifices!
The power of seals compels you!
100 Percent Maximum, NO CHILL...!
ARCHER: UGH!
Ugh!
[Chimes]
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?
RIN: Hello, Actually Satan. My name is Rin Tohsaka.
Do.
Not.
Fuck with me!
ARCHER: Understood!
RIN: Come with me!
ARCHER: Hrm! Uuagh!
Right... you might be taking the term "Servant" a bit literally...
RIN: How many people can say they ordered Actually Satan to clean their house?
No B-O-D-Y, that's who!
Get dustin', Lucifer!
ARCHER: It's too bad you didn't summon Lucifer.
You two might get along...
[Opening Theme]
RIN: Whoa...!
Actually Satan's got a knack for carpentry.
(Gasp)
Maybe he's Actually Jesus!
ARCHER: I'm really going to have to insist that you stop calling me Satan.
I'm not!
RIN: Well, then who are you?
ARCHER: I told you I can't remember!
RIN: Seems like a pretty "Actually Satan" answer there to me, Lucy-Goosey!
ARCHER: Wouldn't you be concerned if your Servant actually was the Devil?
RIN: Am I concerned that my Servant is so clever that the entirety of mankind blames him for their shortcomings?
Not particular, no.
ARCHER: Ugh, whatever...!
Tell me then, Master Rin: What is the plan for today?
RIN: Oh... well, uh,
I was thinking we could go look around town and get you acquainted with the area.
ARCHER: The Fuyuki Bridge would be a great vantage point if you're looking to spy on other Masters.
Also, there's a nice café nearby...
RIN: That's a great idea, Saber!
ARCHER: *Archer*.
RIN: Impossible.
ARCHER: Shouldn't you be in school today?
RIN: Shouldn't *you* be tormenting the souls of the damned?
ARCHER: *NO*!
RIN: *Exactly*! Because we're fighting a war, and you're busy being my Servant.
ARCHER: I'M NOT THE DEVIL, RIN!
RIN: Why do you hate yourself so much?
ARCHER: There are many reasons!
RIN: (Giggling)
ARCHER: ...What? RIN: (Giggling)
Satan made me tea~! (Giggles)
This is the Murder Park.
The location where the last Murder-Death-Kill concluded.
ARCHER [telepathically]: That explains the hatred in the air...
RIN: Hatred?
ARCHER [t]: We Servants exist in a state unlike physical beings. Echoes of our legends...
We're more like feelings and states of mind given shape through a temporary miracle.
Leaves us susceptible to phenomena such as this place...
where the *stench* of regret is so strong, it permeates the soil.
RIN: So what you're saying... is that the devil is a state of being.
ARCHER [t]: No, Rin!
I'm saying this place is so drenched in despair and anguish that it's supernatural.
It's been painted with those feelings so strongly, it might as well be a Reality Marble.
RIN: How do you know what a Reality Marble is? That's some high-concept stuff.
ARCHER [t]: Oh, you know, I...
I-you hear about these things when you're uh...
Being an Archer and all, it only makes sense that I would know tha-- ah...
Mages, and, auhh...!
RIN: They say that Reality Marbles are taboo magecraft.
Could it be that you know of them because constructing one is tantamount to committing a sin against other Mages?
ARCHER [t]: (Sigh) Yes, Rin... Like everything else about me,
you've correctly deduced that the correct answer is: I'm the Devil!
RIN: Awesome!
ARCHER [t]: SARCASM, RIN!
RIN: Well, so how do you know?
ARCHER [t]: Because MAGIC! I don't know!
RIN: Oh my God! You have a Reality Marble, don't you?!
ARCHER [t]: I don't know what you're talking about, Rin.
RIN: Can you summon Hell? Is that your Noble Phantasm?
Ah...!
ARCHER [t]: Oh, no~! Your Command Seals are reacting to something!
I guess we should flee!
And... Aand-- And forego this conversation with reckless abandon!
RIN: Seriously?
ARCHER [t]: Quick, Rin!
Oh no, is that somewhere between four and six Servants I sense!?
Oh, gosh! We have to flee immediately!
Or we'll surely die!
RIN: We're up here basically *begging* Servants to come find us, and no one's taking the bait.
Haa, this war's turning out to be a real snore...
ARCHER: They must be intimidated by the prowess of you, my ideal Master...
RIN: Was that a compliment I just heard, you silver-haired, uh...
...devil?
ARCHER: You could say that.
I've been here for a full day now, and I have become acclimated to your mana.
I begrudgingly accept that you're a talented Mage.
RIN: Well thank you, Actually Satan. Just gonna run this by you:
If we started carpet-bombing the city, do you think Servants would come get us?
ARCHER: Yeah I'm not doing that.
...No. Rin, I'm not carpet-bombing the city!
RIN: Of course you're not, silly! It was just a thought.
We'd need an Archer for that anyways.
ARCHER [under his breath]: Aghh, this is my life now...
(Takes a deep breath)
[normal] What? Is there something down there?
RIN: Nah. Just some nerd...
...Who should mind his own BUSINESS!
ARCHER: Well, that's rude...
What's your wish, by the way?
I want to double check that I'm not getting myself involved in anything ridiculously evil right now.
RIN: Sorry to let you down, but, no such luck. I just want the cup.
ARCHER: You want the cup?
Just the Grail and not the mana resevoir within?
RIN: I just want to stand over the corpses of six fallen heroes drinking ginger-ale from a goblet touched by the blood of Christ.
Teenage girl stuff.
ARCHER: ...Let's get something straight: You have no wish?
RIN: Correct.
ARCHER: You think I'm Satan?
RIN: Actually Satan.
The "Actually" is important I think.
ARCHER: And you would win this war with me,
Actually Satan,
leaving the ability to make any wish I want in my hands, regardless of what I,
Actually Satan,
might want to do with that kind of power?
RIN: Totes.
ARCHER: Fuck it, I'm in!
I'm all about that "zero-accountability" life!
RIN: Cool!
ARCHER: I humbly swear, my Master, that together,
you and I are going to fuck up all the bitches.
RIN: You know what's happening here?
We're sailing a friendship...
The "S.S. Get Along".
Hello, Kirei? Could you register me as a Master in the war?
I've summoned my Servant!
KIREI: May I ask who you summoned?
RIN: My swanky new Saber Servant is none other than *Actually Satan*!
KIREI [laughing]: You-hou can't summon *Satan* as a Serv--
RIN: Screw you Kirei!
Stupid priest! Thinks Satan plays by his rules!
ARCHER [t]: Might I ask where we're going?
RIN [t]: School.
ARCHER [t]: That's dangerous. What if we're attacked while we're there?
RIN [t]: Silly Saber. We won't get attacked for the same reason we can't attack anyone:
Too many witnesses.
*Besides*, it's not like the Holy Grail is going to randomly pick its Masters from a high school.
ARCHER [t]: That's true.
The Holy Grail War is a battle between esteemed Mages.
RIN [t]: Exactly!
And finally, a Mage would only use magic at the school if they intended to kill *everybody*.
ARCHER [t]: We should probably evacuate the school before this proceeds...
RIN: Like hell! This is a challenge!
If some dumb Mage thinks they're going to kill everyone at this school,
I'm gonna kill everyone first!
ARCHER [t]: I... don't think that's wise...
RIN: This is no time to get judgmental, Actually Satan.
Grow a pair, and help me kill my friends!
SAKURA: Oh gosh!
RIN: Hm?
ARCHER [t]: Oh, it's just Sakura--
*I mean* it's just some kid. Who is that? I don't know them.
RIN: I'll take care of her, Saber.
Hey, Sakura. You okay~?
SAKURA: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Just dropping my papers everywhere... 'cause that's what I like doing.
RIN: You didn't happen to hear that stuff just now about me killing everyone in the school?
Or me talking to myself?
Or anything the Dark Lord Lucifer said?
SAKURA: No~
RIN: Cool. You live another day.
Well this is definitely a Noble Phantasm.
Someone's obviously gonna try to turn this school into a slaughter house to harvest mana.
ARCHER [t]: A Servant can devour the souls of the living to acquire mana.
RIN: You can gain experience by eating people?
That's awesome!
ARCHER [t]: I'm not doing that, Rin.
RIN: Well, duhhh!
Once people find out who you are they'd *obviously* track it back to you, Lucy-Goosey.
???: There once was a girl on a rooftop
RIN: Huh?
???: And on her I just got the drop
RIN: A Servant!
???: She dressed in all red, despite that cute head
I needed her life to now stop
ARCHER [t]: Rin, watch out. Something tells me this guy's trouble and never wins fights.
RIN: Who are you? Lancer?!
ARCHER [t]: Oh, come on, Rin! Are you sure he's not an Archer?
He could throw that spear at us from afar~!
RIN: You can't just throw a weapon and call yourself an Archer, stupid!
ARCHER [t]: You sure about that?
You sure that's a fact, Rin?
LANCER: I'll clear the air.
I am in fact a Lancer Servant.
And looks to me like you're trapped like a rat in a cage, Little Red.
Why don't we get to the point?
Where ya' going?
Don't tell me you're scared of a little Heroic Spirit, missy?
RIN: 'Maximum...'
'...No Chill!'
My fate is in your hands, Satan!
ARCHER: *That was RECKLESS, Rin*!
What if I had already been across the city, preparing to attack?
RIN: Why would a Saber be that far away?
ARCHER: *Archer*, Rin!
RIN: Oh wow, Saber.
That sure looks like a sword you're carrying there, Saber...
LANCER: So you're a Saber Servant, then?
Not much of a swordsman when it comes down to it.
What's your true name, Saber?
ARCHER: Bite me! What's yours?
LANCER: Me? My name's Mario.
First name Mario, last name Mario.
Mario Mario.
ARCHER: Funny. I took you for the great Italian spear-man Cúchulame!
LANCER: Bite me, Bite Me.
ARCHER: Prepare yourself, Lancer...
You've selected a *terrible* opponent as your first.
[t] Rin, we need to get the FUCK outta here!
RIN [t]: What? Why?
ARCHER [t]: This guy is going to DESTROY me!
RIN [t]: Nah! You got this!
ARCHER [t]: He's pretty much Irish Hercules, Rin!
RIN [t]: *But*, is he *Satan*?
LANCER: You're looking pretty distracted there, Saber.
ARCHER: Just granting you the final moments deserved by a calf about to be *slaughtered*.
[t] Rin! He is GOING to murder me!
RIN [t]: Just use your Reality Marble; pull him into Hell!
ARCHER [t]: *THERE-ARE-SEVERAL-THINGS-WRONG-WITH-THAT-IDEA*!!!
LANCER: I'm starting.
ARCHER: Not if I start first.
LANCER: I admit it was tricky, but I think I've got your identity down.
The blade in your hand is Kansho.
That makes you the tragic Blacksmith of China, Gan Jiang.
ARCHER: Secret's out, you got me!
RIN: *Actually*...
ARCHER: *Rin*, *no*!
RIN: ...He's the fallen angel, Lucifer!
ARCHER: *Rin*!
RIN: He's probably only got those because he dragged that Blacksmith's soul into Hell!
ARCHER: *RIIIN*!!
RAAARRGH...!!
LANCER: Guess I shouldn't play around!
This is the end!
RIN: Saber! ARCHER: [Incantations:]
I am the bone of my sword Steel is my body And fire is my blood
I have created over a thousand blades Unknown to death Nor known to life
Have withstood pain to create many weapons Yet, those hands
will never hold anything So as I pray, Unlimited Blade Works
LANCER: What?!
...Alright, now I'm back at Blacksmith.
You wanna talk about the high speed incantations you were just throwing down?
ARCHER: You noticed that?
LANCER: I'm a spear-man.
Perceptiveness is my thing, Bite Me.
That said...
I'm not going to waste my time disarming an opponent with an effectively inexhaustible resource of weapons!
ARCHER: It would seem that we are at a standstill.
I cannot reach you with my blade,
and *you* cannot reach me through the defense of my Mind's Eye.
LANCER: From what I understand, it should be impossible to summon a Servant
in the Holy Grail War with the identity of something as powerful as a fallen angel.
But...
If the Devil truly does stand before me, it's my duty a hero to take action!
ARCHER: Hit me with your best shot!
We'll soon discover who the true hero here is!
[t] See Rin, now we can't run!
We've just lost the Holy Grail War!
RIN [t]: Naahh!
???: I WANT THAT!
LANCER: Who's there?! Who just complimented us?!
???: I'M SORRY!
RIN: Ah, come on! Who was that?
This was just getting good!
ARCHER: I imagine that he wants to follow Mage law,
and eliminate that unimportant stupid person who shouldn't have been watching.
Really - we should follow Mage law as well,
and allow that really unnecessary person to die.
Who knows? The world might be better off without them.
RIN: Saber, we can't!
You go stop Lancer, I'll catch up with you.
ARCHER: I will get right on that.
RIN: I don't want randoms getting hurt in the war!
I have to stop him!
ARCHER: Here I go,
stopping Lancer,
saving that innocent person...
RIN: We have no time to spare! I've gotta hurry!
(Panting)
ARCHER: Any second now,
ssstopping Lancer.
I'm committed...
RIN: (Panting and gasping)
Saber... is he okay?
ARCHER: No. Very dead.
We should leave him.
RIN: Why would we do that?
[Spacetime collapsing]
ARCHER: ...Reasons.
Also, a heart stab from the Gae Bolg cannot be healed.
Trust me.
RIN: I take that as a challenge! I'm gonna heal him.
ARCHER: Have you considered not doing that?
RIN: No-one's ruining my perfect record, *Saber*!
ARCHER: Hrrmm, suit yourself...
RIN: Hey there, sleepyhead!
I know it's late, but, you can't nap now!
(Gasp!)
...Are you serious?!
You're that annoying high jump kid that Sakura hangs out with!
And between you, her screwed up family and her rapist brother, you're the only friend she has! Guhh!
Now I *can't* let you die, or else *I* have to feel bad!
(Sigh)
Ten years of mana lovingly saved up in a one-of-a-kind jewel my Dad gave me before he went off to die...
Yeah... that sounds appropriate to save
Yeah... that sounds appropriate to save *one, stupid high jump kid*!
...And would it kill you to say hi to me in the halls once in a while!?
When I met the Devil, I thought my luck was going to turn for the BETTER!
ARCHER [t]: Hey ya, Rin~
You doing okay there, buddy?
Would it make you feel better if I went back and mutilated the corpse so no-one could identify it?
[normal] Would that make you feel better~?
RIN: *Nooo*; I saved him.
ARCHER: *You what*!?
Um-- I mean, of course you did!
That just goes to show what an amazing Master you are... *Rin*!
By the way...
...You should watch this more closely.
RIN: Oh. Did I drop this?
ARCHER: This pendant matches my mantle, your coat...
It would be a shame if we lost it.
RIN: You went back there and still didn't recognize that kid wasn't dead?
ARCHER: Yeah, well, you know? I'm just not that observant!
RIN: See, this is why you're not an Archer. An Archer would have noticed.
And even Lancer would have realized that boy wasn't de--
...Oh no.
ARCHER: What is it?
RIN: Saber, we have an investment to protect.
ARCHER: Have you considered not doing what you're thinking about doing?
We're almost there, Rin.
RIN: I didn't even need to give you directions or anything.
ARCHER: Weird, right? Probably the Grail.
RIN: I'll be right back!
ARCHER: Hm...
'This all seems familiar...'
'Something about tonight...'
[DEEN FLASHBACKS]
...Oh my GOD, RIN, WAIT, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
RIN: Huh?!
???: WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME!
RIN: Huh?! ARCHER: MOVE!
Dammit! Shit, shit!
Hurgh!
Dammit! Saber, Saber wait! Let's talk about this!
Harrgh...!
RIN: This Servant... She isn't just Saber...
ARCHER: Rin, if you ever listen to one thing I say, let it be this:
*This Servant is Saber*!
RIN: She's...
...Baeber.
ARCHER: Beautiful last words, Rin...