CULT LEADER: The stars are right for Cthulhu to arise and to reveal this video’s sponsor,
Curiosity Stream.
CULTISTS: Cthulhu fhtagn!
Character is what you are in the dark, but money is what you will have in the bank if
you can fake characterization.
Good old Merriam Webster defines characterization as the artistic representation, as in fiction
or drama, of human character or motives.
Basically it is how a story reveals aspects of the characters to the audience.
But, more importantly, how can a writer properly characterize their cast in their story especially,
if like me, one finds themselves to be a boring person that has all the force of personality
of a potted fern?
Well fear not for Terrible Writing Advice will show any writer how to properly write
characterization!
And you can trust me because over the course of many TWA episodes it’s not like I have
been characterized as petty, greedy, self serving, short sighted, mean, insensitive,
ignorant, ruthless, and just all around about as trustworthy as a used car salesmen trying
to sell you timeshares on Neptune.
Now the most important thing to remember is that characterization is a purely optional
component of storytelling.
There is direct characterization in which the story just tells us about an aspect of
a character’s personality, indirect characterization which the story shows the audience a quality
about the character, but the best method is no characterization.
People don’t read stories for interesting characters, they read stories purely to watch
cardboard cutouts fight over macguffins.
That means that it is fine to have a protagonist whose only character trait is that they are
the protagonist.
Only generic protagonist person can save the world now.
While a protagonist lacking any extreme personality qualities can serve as a solid anchor so the
audience has someone to identify with in an otherwise colorful cast of characters, this
means that they will really identify with a character whose charisma could be rivaled
by a plastic spoon.
So our main character has precisely zero character traits which is great!
Do they have a motive as well?
Don’t be silly.
Of course my main character has a motive.
Um.
The protagonist's motive is to… uh… find the macguffin!
What is the protagonist’s stake in finding the macguffin?
Why does our protagonist want to leave their comfortable life and go on dangerous adventures?
Because the plot knows where they live and will burn down their house if they don’t
get moving!
See!
That got the protagonist going, no characterization required!
So we have burned down the protagonist’s home, revealed a secret world of magic populated
by hyper dangerous apex predators, thrust them into the middle of cutthroat wizard house
politics, and have basically completely demolished the protagonist’s world view.
What is their reaction to learning that everything they have ever known is a lie?
Well we will never know because we have to get to the next plot point.
There isn’t time for the characters to emotionally process events because I have to dump the
epic history of House Longwindionis in here somewhere.
But what if a writer is a tryhard who wants to actually characterize their characters?
Well then we give our characters some character traits.
Lets make Mary Sue ‘clumsy’.
That’s a trait right?
Hey, we can even count that as a flaw!
Mary Sue is determined, steadfast, intelligent, and other positive adjectives we can slap
on a character profile.
Character profiles can be a good way to organize information about a character, but they really
shine when a writer spends endless hours tweaking and obsessing over it.
Because I personally find character profiles just so exciting like a grocery list.
Now we just arrange a bunch of random character traits and the whole thing simply works right?
Mary Sue is confident, but she is also insecure.
Nope.
Can’t see how those are mutually exclusive.
It’s not like character flaws are the flip-side of character strengths and that these two
components form a character trait.
Even better, let’s substitute character traits with character archetypes.
Just have the character defined not by their characterization, but purely by their role
in the story and nothing else.
Archetypes can make for a great foundation to build on so once you have established a
character’s archetype then just stop there.
You are done!
No need to add any additional characterization.
Eh.
That all sounds way too complicated and unnecessary.
I think I’ll just ignore all of that.
Uh oh.
It looks like my characters have encountered their first obstacle.
Looks like we have external conflict.
How will my protagonist handle this situation?
See, if I was all worried about characterization I would have to have the protagonist overcome
this obstacle in a clever and insightful way that conveys an aspect of the protagonist’s
character to the audience like having a cunning character talk their way past the guards or
have a craven character face their fears in order to move forward, but instead I can just
have the character blast this problem away with their super magic tech powers.
How will our headstrong and optimistic hero deal with our rebellious and jaded antihero
when the two clash over how best to defeat Lord Killington the III?
Will the tense dialog exchange strain their already tenuous working relationship while
highlighting the key differences between the characters?
Will the dialogue reveal the antihero’s true nature as a lost soul bent on revenge
regardless of the cost to himself or others?
Will the hero be able to set aside his idealism in order to achieve victory?
These are all good questions I would be forced to answer if I intended to properly characterize
my cast through conflict.
I have a much better idea on how to write this scene.
Instead, I can have the characters just rehash plot points we already know and then send
them off chasing the next macguffin in the plot coupon scavenger hunt.
I don’t even need to worry about internal conflict either.
How does our hero feel about being the chosen one?
Eh.
It’s okay I guess.
Beats being a farm boy on a safe homestead surrounded by a loving family and not having
to worry about the political manipulations of nation states, the forces of darkness’s
constant attempts at assassination, frequent pitched life and death battles, and the very
fate of the world resting on his shoulders.
No pressure.
Every day the chosen one’s decisions result in untold deaths and unprecedented political
and social upheaval so I see absolutely no reason he would feel internally conflicted
about anything.
The only internal anything going on with my characters is their internal monologues which
should be just mind numbingly banal.
God forbid we accidentally make the characters think.
That would disastrous.
They might actually have their core beliefs and values challenged by the story which will
be a problem because I didn’t bother to give them any.
Why would the characters need a way to contextualized the world around them?
Characterization is all about looking for opportunities to characterize the cast.
Do we get to see a character’s home and thus get to see what kind of environment they
create for themselves?
What about when a character relaxes and lets their guard down?
No.
I’m not going to let any of that happen.
I’ll spring another action scene on my characters instead.
I just better be careful, because some characterization might slip in in how the character reacts
during the action scene.
Got to stomp all of that out.
Writers should be especially careful during the revision process as that is where most
characterization can be added in and finely honed.
Of course, any true writer following my excellent advice shouldn’t be revising anyway.
Digging down and working out just what makes a character tick will never be as interesting
as crossing out line items on our plot coupon quest.
Audiences don’t need characters to get attached to, they need brainless explosions, gratuitous
franchise building, and endless sarcastic quips in place of where a character’s personality
should go.
I mean, hey, it’s works for me.
CEO: Sorry, DL.
Gotta break your will.
Company policy for its enemies.
*Knock at Door*
CEO: Hang on.
CULT LEADER: Excuse me, sir.
Do you have a moment to about our Lord and Destroyer Cthulhu?
CULTISTS: Cthulhu fhtagn!
CEO: I don’t give to charities.
CULT LEADER: But, sir, it will only take a moment of your time to tell about how Cthulhu
will rise from the depths of Ryleth and fill the world with wailing, ash, and blood.
Join us and you too can be eaten alive along with everyone else.
CEO: You guys aren’t good with sales pitches are you?
CULT LEADER: So that’s a no?
Okay.
Then would be interested in this video’s sponsor, Curiosity Stream.
CEO: Another Sponsor!
CULT LEADER: Of course.
Curiosity Stream is a subscription streaming service for those with an endless hunger for
knowledge with over 2,400 documentaries and nonfiction titles including exclusive originals.
CEO: Wait.
Is that the one founded by that discovery channel guy?
I thought I bought them out?
CULTIST 1: I ended up bingeing all of their Ancient Rome videos.
CULTIST 2: Hey, JP should cover stories set in Ancient Rome before Cthulhu eats him.
CULT LEADER: Unlimited access can be yours for $2.99 a month and followers of the TWA
cult can get the first 31-days completely free if you sign up at curiositystream.com/TWA
and use the code TWA during the sign-up process.
CEO: Great.
Stamp out one sponsor and another pops up.
Sorry, fellas.
Got to take care of you too.
Security!…
Security?
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: I’m afraid security won’t be helping anyone, much like your
customer service.
Now prepare yourself for my highly complicated and overly elaborate revenge.