Hey guys, today I'm talking about something
that will literally blow your mind.
I don't think it will literally blow it
but I, I'm just trying to be dramatic.
I have phantom boob pain,
feelingssss
What?
Alright, so we all know what "phantom limb" is,
Right? It's like when somebody has like an amputation of
an arm or leg and they can still feel the leg, they can still feel the pain of the leg
like not of the amputation site but of the actual leg itself, uhm
they feel itchy and there's a whole bunch of other things
There's a lot of research done on this its really interesting to read
Its also very terrifying if you think about it
Uhhm, and I, I'm having some
WEIRD
weird feelings lately, and I'm, I'mma talk about that with ya
Alright, so I had top surgery May 30th, 2013, aight?
We're going on three years now, uhm
I have not really felt like, the second I got off the table I felt great,
Aha, I'm kidding, this, I woke up from surgery, I was in a lot of pain
blah blah blah
I didn't really feel like I had top surgery
and then for the months after I was very delicate
so its like,
Maybe my body is like now feeling like a body
like I walk around and put on a t-shirt, I never even think about what a binder felt like
unless I think about it right now, which I just,
I can't even handle what it felt like because oh my god
it was hurtful, I wore it for like almost five years
but the point is that I, wake up now, I put on a t-shirt
its like not a problem, I can put on this t-shirt
which has like some weird patterns on the cam-,
It looks, it looks better in real life I promise
Its like flowers and like something, I don't know its H&M,
the usual
I feel like H&M should sponsor me, I wear all of their clothes, all the time, no matter what
Just like, give me money.
Okay, anyways, SO what has been happening with me
I, have been feeling, my chest
and like, Trigger Warning™ for like words that you don't
agree? Agree with, or like "like" when people use when
referring to 'this' but like I call them,
Imma, Imma, Imma... Imma ta-talk about them
as like titties but like, not like "that" but like
"T - I - D - D - Y" or
"T - I - D - D - I - E - S"
"Tiddies", kay? So its not like real, but its like real y'know?
So like, what does that feel like exactly? And is this common?
Okay Imma go with "Is this common?" cause you're probably all freaking out right now
I don't think its common at all, I've like never really heard
of anybody talk about this stuff, maybe just no one talks
about it, but people feel it? Uhm, I don't feel like they're
like attached to me? I just remember a lot of the pain
associated with them
and it makes me feel like the pain is on me right now
and its, FREAKING me out man, and its like
I don't know how to deal with this.
So obviously if I'm not thinking about it, or like talking
about it, its like "fwooo" doesn't matter
but like, now that I'm making a video about it,
I feel really like "Oh my god tiddies" [uncomfortable giggling]
Like, its so weird, like you had top surgery, it cut you open,
oh my god, and they like, rrr, cut the nipples
and like cookie cutter it, like "Put a-" Ow, I'm sensitive
Just like put the nipples on, and its like cool and it works
and like some of my nerves have not reconnected in the nips,
but its like under the nips that I have like feeling feeli-
Y'know like the feely feels, that feel
Feely
But,
Uhhhhh, its so weird to like,
Y'know why I- Okay, heres the thing
I think that this is happening because
I was emptying up my computer and like, putting things
on the hard drive, cause I had like 4 gigs of memory left on it,
so many videos, uhhm,
and I was like going through all the pictures and I found
one thats like "Chase Topless" and it was like the topless
shoot that I do with my friend Maude before I had top surgery.
So I was like, I need pictures of this, uhm
so that like, later on I could look at them and be like
"Oh, right thats what they look like"
Well I shouldn't have done that because I went through
those pictures and like a Trigger Warning, for real.
Spoiler alert, I looked at those pictures and I felt so like
"Ooooh"
So I think that maybe that's why this is happening
Uhm, yesterday Aaron and I were talking about like,
I don't know, mammograms, that what they're called?
And like the squishing and I just remembered like my boobs were
"Uhhhhhg"
My tiddies were very like
[some fuckn' strange ass Chase noise]
Like spooky.
Uhm,
Thats the name of our band, "Spooky Tiddies"
I'm kidding, oh my god, wait don't, don't steal that
But they were very like, loose because I wore a binder for so long
so like, the nipples weren't like where nipples are, they were like
down low, it was like "Guess My Nipple!", that was a game we used to play,
Like literally, like I would like put my shirt like that and like "Guess where my nipple is"
And my friends had to like, poke where they thought it was
Great times, great times.
But because my, ths, my thing, like it was,
I've uh, its like
the, thinking of the mammogram, is that "mammogram"? I feel like its a longer word
Whatever, just reminded me so much
[more weird chase noises]
of like the squish of the, and it hurt so much at first to bind, I'm so scared that this is scaring you
so scared, I'm so sorry if this is scaring you from like binding or top surgery
I'm just trying to give you my experience, maybe I'll make it like funny instead, so its like
its not so sPoOoOoKy [laughing]
SpOoOoOoOoOoOky
Okay, but uhm,
The point of the story is, don't look at old pictures of your tiddies if you don't want to be triggered.
pfft, by them and remember the pain, uhm
mmmf
Its so weird cause then you think like "Where are the tiddies now?"
They're in some like, land field with like other trans guys' tiddie waste, somewhere
Oh my god this is so vulgar and like graphic warning , I've never made a video like this before
I'm so sorry
Chase RAW™ right now this isn't even a vlog, I feel like this is a, should be a vlog video
ho
Anyways, uhm, what do you think? Have you ever had like a phantom pain related to your transition?
Uhm, I don't, I don't know like, its like,
like its, I -
I'm-
Like look, I've had surgery, like , I'm like "Lemme prove it to ya"
Like, I've had surgery, I've had the surgery, and like here are my scars and my nips, I love my surgery
It was, My chest and its great and its like flat and its like you cant really
NYEEEH
But like, uhm
Its strange cause I can finally wear a t-shirt, and that's all I ever wanted when I grew tiddies
as a young kid I was like "When can I wear a T-shirt again?" and I like felt so uncomfortable for like
ten years after that. Uhm because I couldn't wear a T-shirt and now I can
and its like the best feeling in the world and I don't feel like I have tiddies
In the shirt, its just, if I'm sitting down and I'm like thinking about like,
the past or something and like binding its just like, I remember the feeling.
So I don't feel like maybe its like phantom pain, it like memory pain.
That sounds like trauma, this is trauma. Anyways let me know what you think, don't forget toooo
watch my videos on Wednesdays because of vlogs and those are unedited, unlike this where you don't
know what I'm editing out. Ahm, I could be editing out a whole section where I'm just like talking about
things and you wouldn't ever know, so the vlogs are meant for you to LOL at me and laugh at me
because I don't edit it and I'm just like, I literally am so hyper when I make these vlogs?
I don't know whats happening with me.
Anyways have a great week, I will see you later, bye!