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♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.
WELCOME BACK.
LAST NIGHT, WE SHOWED A PIECE FEATURING DISTINGUISHED
JOURNALIST AND RUBBER ROTTWEILER, TRIUMPH THE INSULT
COMIC DOG.
TRIUMPH HELD A REAL FOCUS GROUP OF REAL TRUMP SUPPORTERS, WITH A
REAL MODERATOR WHO SHOWED THEM COMPLETELY FAKE TRUMP ADS.
HERE'S THE THING, WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH TIME LAST NIGHT TO SHOW
YOU EVERYTHING TRIUMPH GOT.
SO, PLEASE, ENJOY THIS BONUS PRESENTATION WITH EVEN MORE FAKE
ADS... FOR HIM TO POOP ON.
JIM?
>> ALL RIGHT, THEY SEEM TO LIKE THE BEST TWO OUT OF THREE
ELECTION CONCEPT.
>> I'M PROPOSING MY NEW BEST OF THREE ELECTION PLAN.
>> COULD HE DO IT IN AN EXECUTIVE ORDER, THOUGH?
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
>> HE CAN EXECUTIVE ORDER ANYTHING.
HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> LET'S SEE IF THEY BUY THIS ONE --
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S LOOK AT ANOTHER ONE HERE.
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS WE'RE NOT EQUIPPED TO HAVE A FAIR ELECTION
IN NOVEMBER.
THAT'S WHY I WILL SIGN AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT BECAUSE OF
THE MOO SHOO FLU IT STAYS 2020 FOR AN EXTRA YEAR.
EVERYBODY STAYS THE SAME AGE.
NOBODY GETS HURT.
W'LL REPEAT THE YEAR.
IT'S A MULLIGAN.
SIMPLE.
IF YOU'RE 29 THIS YEAR, YOU WILL BE 29 FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
LOOK, WE HAD TO STAY INSIDE ALL YEAR, THAT SHOULDN'T COUNT
AGAINST US.
WE DESERVE IT, AND WE GET ANOTHER YEAR TO COME UP WITH A
VACCINE, PEOPLE.
THE VIRUS WON'T KNOWT WHAT HIT IT.
WE'LL HAVE A MUCH LOWER CORONAVIRUS DEATH TOLL SINCE
NONE OF THE ONCE THIS YEAR WILL COUNT.
ONLY OUR COUNTRY GETS TO DO THIS.
WE'LL BE A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES.
AS AN ADDED BONUS, BY THE WAY, HARDLY WORTH MENTIONING, THE
ELECTION IS OFF, DELAYED TILL THE REAL 2020.
LOOK, I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, I DIDN'T WANT CHINA TO DO THIS,
THEY GAVE US THE MOO MOO GOO GAN PANDEMIC.
WHO'S IN?
>> I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE SAYING THAT 2020 WAS UNFAIR.
>> I'LL TAKET THAT.
MY SON'S A COLLEGE BASEBALL PLAYER.
THEY GOT THEIR ELIGIBILITY BACK SO WHY NOT.
>> I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE'S QUARANTINING BUT YOU DEFINITELY
WANT TO CHECKT IT FOR LEAD BAIT.
>> I'M GOING TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT ONE.
>> SLEEPY JOE AND PHONY KAMALA WANT LOWER INCOME HOUSING TO
SCUM UP THE SUBURBS, BUT I ALONE WILL PROTECT SUBURBAN
HOUSEWIVES, ALL OF THEM, EVEN THE DOGS, EVEN THE THREES, THE
FAT ONES THAT LET THEMSELVES GO AFTER POPPING ONE OUT.
YOU GOT THE RING AND YOU GAVE UP.
I DON'T CARE.
I LOVE WOMEN.
THERE AREN'T ENOUGH STATUTES OF WOMEN FOR LITTLE GIRLS TO LOOK
UP TO, YOU KNOW.
SO IF THEY TAKE DOWN THE CONFEDERATES, I SAY WE SHOULD
PUT UP STATUTES OF GREAT WOMEN, LIKE GREAT BLACK HARRIET TUBMAN,
MISS DIAMOND AND SILK.
AND THE GREAT ENTREPRENEUR DELANE M MAXWELL.
WOMEN, I LOVE THEM, EVEN THE THREES.
>> THE VERY FIRST THING ABOUT BUILDING THE HOUSING PROJECTS
AND TURNING SUBURBS INTO SLUMS, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING
BUT THEN YOU IMMEDIATELY LEFT IT FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS --
>> I DON'T KNOW, I JUST THINK THAT SOME OF THOSE THINGS ARE
TRUE AND SHOULD BE SAID.
WE ALL THINK THEM.
>> HOW ABOUT THIS IDEA WE NEED MORE STATUES OF WOMEN?
WHAT IF THEY HAVE A STATUES OF DIAMOND AND SILK?
>> I THINK THE MILLENNIALS DON'T WANT STATUES.
THEY DON'T WANT HISTORY.
>> ARE THERE WOMEN TRUMP WOULD SUPPORT THAT HE THINKS SHOULD
GET A STATUE THAT YOU WOULD WANT TO SEE?
>> AUNT JEMIMA.
THE LAST ONE WAS JOANNE MAXWELL, KIND OF LIKE ROGER
STONE, IS HE GOING TO PARDON HER?
HOW WOULD THAT LOOK FOR HIM TO PARDON HER AND GIVE HER A
STATUE?
>> WHAT'S SHE DONE TO EARN A STATUE?
BUILD ME A STATUE.
>> MAYBE IT'S A WAY OF HIM THANKING HER IF SHE DOESN'T
THROW HIM UNDER THE BUS.
>> I VOTED FOR HIM.
THANK ME.
GIVE ME A STATUE.
>> AND I'M THE ONE WHO HAD TO GET NEUTERED?
>> SO WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT ANOTHER ONE HERE?
>> RADICAL KOOKY KAMALA HARRIS LOOKS LIKE SHE'S TOUGH ON CRIME,
WHY DIDN'T SHE PROSECUTE TEACH MNUCHIN FOR FORECLOSING ON
THOUSANDS CALIFORNIANS.
STEVE MNUCHIN IS AN OUTSTANDING SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY.
I'M VERY, VERY PROUD OF THE GREAT JOB HE'S DOING.
A TERRIFIC GUY.
BUT SHOULD HE BE IN JAIL?
WE'LL NEVER KNOW THANKS TO KAMALA HARRIS.
WHO KNOWS HOW MANY MORE OF MY CABINET MEMBERS ARE WALKING
SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY DONATED TO HER.
AND THESE PEOPLE HAVE DONE SOME REALLY BAD THINGS.
KAMALA HARRIS, SHE LET OFF ONE OF THE WORST CRIMINALS IN
AMERICAN HISTORY, AND I WOULD KNOW.
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
SORRY.
>> OKAY.
I'M LOST.
DON'T GET IT, YEAH.
IDN'T GET THE PART ABOUT MNUCHIN.
IT WAS, LIKE -- SOUNDS LIKE TRUMP WAS AGAINST MNUCHIN AND
THAT'S HIS -- I DIDN'T GET THAT AT ALL.
>> WHAT DO WE THINK ABOUT THAT ONE?
WHAT'S THE MESSAGE THAT THE PRESIDENT IS TRYING TO CONVEY
THERE?
>> HER RECORD.
JOE BIDEN'S RUNNING MATE IS CORRUPT.
>> TRUMP HIMSELF AS WELL AS OTHER PEOPLE IN HIS CABINET
DONATED TO KAMALA HARRIS.
>> IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY VOTE.
TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP.
>> OKAY, GREAT.
YOU KNOW, I'M FINALLY STARTING TO BELIEVE IN VOTER SUPPRESSION.
JUST STUFF ME BACK IN THE MICROWAVE AND GIVE ME FOUR
MINUTES ON HIGH.
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU IN HELL.
AND BY THAT I MEAN TRUMP'S SECOND TERM.
>> Stephen: THANKS AGAIN, TRIUMPH!
BACK WITH SARAH PAULSON.
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