We've been on TV. What do you do to get airtime?
-You cry. -And act like a twat and say silly stuff.
Say "much better."
Yeah, "much better" or "put 50p in Cheryl."
But...
It's true though.
-Hi, everyone. I'm The Vivienne. -And I'm Baga Chipz.
And you're watching...
-Queens Who Like To Watch. -Queens Who... I didn't say it, sorry.
I forgot what the show was called. Right.
-Hi, everyone. I'm The Vivienne. -And I'm Baga Chipz.
And we are...
Queens who like to watch.
Today, we are watching 'Love Is Blind'.
It's a show about people wanting to get married after five days;
saying they love each other, never shagged each other
absolute freaks!
We're just watching programmes full of freaks.
Thank you.
What would you do if you got to your wedding and it was an absolute...
-Shitshow. -I don't want to say minger.
-But what if they were a proper minger? -I'd run off or something.
If I had to marry him,
I'd do a Britney Spears and get a divorce within 12 hours.
They say, "It's all in the heart,"
but you have to feel a physical attraction.
-Physical attraction is always a thing. -Very important.
Sex is important in a relationship.
-If you don't have-- -Look at Trump and Melania.
When you have that much money, I don't think she gives a shit.
I think she does now. That look on her face, she's like a ghost.
Everywhere, she's just like that.
Well, she'll be like, "Oh, I'll just go shopping tomorrow."
But, no, these are just going to be living in a council flat somewhere.
Basically, selling their soul to the devil to get on the telly.
I'd never do that.
-We already did. -Get on telly just for the fame?
I mean, it's so shallow.
I really want a man who is going to love me for me,
not what I look like, but for who I am on the inside.
I mean, is a reality show really the place to find that person?
I always think with these kind of shows.
You don't want to shag a munter for the rest of your life.
-Oh, shit. -Shag him.
This is dope. Oh, man.
Shag him.
There are women out there that won't date guys that are shorter.
-Aw, he's short. -I'd shag him because he's dumb.
-He looks dumb. -Aw, bless him.
See I can't do a beard because I'll have stubble rash 'round my tuppence.
And smell like sandwiches.
-Hi! -How are you guys doing?
Is this the host?
He used to be married to Jessica Simpson.
Oh, yes! What was...? Nick?
-Nick Lachey. -God, he's aged.
-Is that his sister or his misses? -Just co-presenter.
-Her name's Lachey and all. -Is it?
-Oh, go away. -Here, you will choose someone to marry...
without ever seeing them.
I don't think...
Your dating life's got to be pretty shit to come on this, hasn't it?
And you have to get married? Are you mad?
A lot of people don't take me seriously because I ain't ugly.
-She's really cocksure! -She is, isn't she?
Her eyes are like that.
...intellectual conversation.
They are shocked when they find out there's more to me than looking cute.
There's more to me than finding a man through a wall on TV.
Very degrading.
My name is Barnett.
Oh, nah! He is hot though. Come on.
I always go for pretty girls. That's shallow...
-"I always go for pretty girls." -He'll want to go out with me then.
He decided to go for a bit of glass this time instead.
I'll come off creepy to some of them probably.
Hello?
If I was on this, I'd be like, "Hello. Ohhh..."
Hello, boys!
Imagine sat behind going, "You alright, mate?"
-Imagine Kim Woodburn on this! -Yeah.
-I'm a long-bodied woman. -I'm a long-bodied woman.
I'll break through this glass. Don't you worry, love.
There might be snow on the roof...
But there's a burning fire down below.
So, if you could only hear their voice, what accent would be like, "no!"?
Birmingham was rated the worst accent sexually.
Imagine, "take your knickers off."
"Serve your chips in gravy." You'd be like, "No! Next!"
"Take your knickers off, Bab."
It'd be very degrading.
Very degrading. "Got a condom?" "Yeah, I got a condom."
I played baseball my whole life.
-Oh, cool! What position? -So, yeah.
Bottom.
-Very naughty. Very seedy. -Very filthy. Very rotten.
I'm not being funny -
they are sat there, full hair and makeup, gowned up.
I'd have been sat there in a fucking... my hair wrapped in a towel.
They can't see them.
If I was on this, I'd say, "how big's your cock?" First question.
If I was her, because you can see through the glass a little bit,
I'd push my tits on the glass.
Yeah, but still, you need a good old shag.
-Can't be shagging the elephant man. -Can't shag through glass.
Unless you took a little hole, like a little drill,
you could make a gloryhole.
Oh, you're a lovely bloke, but you can't make my fanny quiver, you know?
Worst-case scenario.
One person in the world who you would pull your hair out
if you found out it was them behind the glass.
I would say Coleen Nolan, but I don't want to give her the airtime.
Horrible, horrible girl.
Oh! I know who!
-Oh! -Danny Dyer.
-I can't bear him. -"You alright, darling?"
Do you know when someone's trying that hard?
-Too hard. To be a lad. -To be hard.
-The Wall. -The Wall.
It's like the campest gameshow ever and he's like,
"Right, we're going to drop the ball."
-I'm like, "Shut the fuck up." -Piss off!
Give me fucking Bradley Walsh any day.
Oh, yeah, he's camp. He's like a panto dame, Bradley Walsh.
I love him.
-Hello? -Hello.
-I'm Lauren. -I'm Cameron.
He's got a ginger beard. Have I got one?
Do you like ginger pubes?
When you say artificial...
What did Lily Savage say? It's like a nest of baby mice.
He's very attractive. He's an attractive man.
I love gingers.
If you shag them doggystyle and get bored, you can do a dot-to-dot with the freckles.
It's just lovely.
You can do Carol Vorderman's Sudoku if you get bored.
My friend Michael always said,
"the best advice you can give to a ginger person
is not to shave your pubes into a landing strip
because it looks like a fish finger."
I did that because I went with a lovely ginger lad, he looked like Prince Harry,
and I said, "You've got to shave your bush."
It looked like he was giving birth to Linda from Gimme Gimme Gimme.
Scally bush.
I didn't know whether to suck it or if it would shout "Ricky!"
Talk to you soon.
-Bye, Cameron. -Bye.
He did that thing.
Do you remember when you were all loved up on the phone and you'd go,
"bye" and then your voice would lower?
He did that.
You're not one of those couples that do,
"Love you. Put the phone..." "You put it down."
"No, you put the phone down."
I just put the phone down and say, "Sorry, the signal went."
She looks like she's sat in on a Friday night on her own.
She looks like she's on the game waiting for someone.
I'm thinking about you non-stop.
Piss off! "Non-stop."
I had a longer conversation in Starbucks earlier than he did with her.
-I've been, like, trying to imagine-- -Get your shoes off the fucking--
-I know. -Horrible.
Who does he think he is?
You could easily push that little puff he's got his foot on
and have a peak over the wall.
I don't think you're allowed--
You're not allowed to drink on Drag Race, didn't stop me.
-Cameron... -She's got cracking knockers.
I think I love you.
-What? -I love you.
-Stop right there. -Why's he got that cushion over his knob?
Do you see that?
-Strategically placed. -What the fucking hell is happening?
-Who says "I love you" after a day? -Oh, fuck off!
He could have three tits on his head, you wouldn't know.
I mean, he could have "I love Trump" tattooed on his head for all they know.
Don't! Imagine!
OK.
They have gone from saying they love each other, straight into therapy.
Are you crying?
Just a tiny bit.
I haven't heard so much tosh in all my life.
What do the Americans say? They are two tomatoes short of a salad.
And I was routing for them. "Aw, I hope they get together."
It was dead cute and then he burst into tears and said, "I love you."
Yeah, I thought they were like, "Let's have a cheeky Nando's--"
What did we say? They're all dying to be on TV.
He knew he's going to get all the airtime if he bursts out "I love you" first.
I know who I want to be my future husband.
I can't believe it. It's only been five days!
I've had shits longer than five days.
I've had semen in my hair longer than that.
I don't need to do any more searching. I'm ready to propose to Lauren.
Do you wanna approach the wall?
Yeah.
Oh, God, it's gonna be like fucking Psycho.
-He'll get on his knees. -Smash through the wall.
He's gonna get on his knees and he's gonna lick her minge.
She's gone cockeyed. Look!
She's got one eye in Debenhams and one in Primark.
I feel so blessed to have you come into my life.
"Blessed to have you come into my life." Like it happened fucking organically.
Thanks for signing that disclosure form so you can meet me.
Will you marry me?
Oh, my God. Yes!
Yes, Cameron.
-Start licking that window. -Where's the ring?
We'd have to throw it over.
Is there a jewellery shop around the corner that they can buy rings from?
Can you imagine she walks in, "I don't like fucking ginger people"?
I don't want to be a pie.
I'm engaged!
If me and you went on this show
and you ran in and said "I'm engaged" after five days, I'd slap you.
-"What's the matter with you?" -They wouldn't ask me.
I'd open my gob and they'd be like, "Oh, fuck that. I'd rather go to prison."
I mean, it's basically a rip-off of fucking Blind Date, isn't it?
It is a blind date.
She'll be saying, "Oh, Chuck, I think it's terrible or something."
But they don't get married on Blind Date.
They go to Lloret de Mar for fucking three days.
"Oh, Lloret de Mar."
What was wrong with a bit of camp on a Saturday night?
"You're a journalist?"
Even if you don't like each other,
go and make the most of the free two weeks in Lloret de Mar.
Shagging that journalist.
No, the Americans have got to say, "No, you've gotta get married, have kids."
Yeah, they will do a programme next
where they all have to shag and who can get pregnant first?
They have, Love Island.
What's that big red hole?
I'm gonna put money on it - someone's gonna end up dead.
This won't end well.
-Are they kissing? -Yeah.
Nice little garden though.
If they have sex! No...
When someone says, "Let's have a shag", I say, "Tits first. I'm not a slag."
There we are, doing it properly.
-Shit got real-- -He's not gonna lick her out?
-They seem to like each other. -They're very horny. Very, very horny.
Marriage is a big thing though, girl.
Difference between getting on, you know, having a ball,
and sticking a ring on it.
I've been on the dancefloor like this,
"I love you, you're the one, you sexy bastard."
The day after I'm like, "Get the fuck out of my bed!"
It's a dream being...
Is that a bit of dog shit on the carpet?
-No, it's the box off the ring. -Oh.
-Cracking tits. -Cracking tits.
In the back of my mind I am thinking, my friends or parents would be like,
"Wow, Lauren, you're gonna marry a white man?"
Your fucking mate's marrying someone she just met five days ago.
She doesn't know, she doesn't know his background, his family,
doesn't know if he's got fucking bodies in his cellar.
Shouldn't matter what the pigmentation in the skin is,
it should matter what's in the head and if he's a fucking nutter or not.
-And what's in the wallet. -What's in the wallet?
-Here we are. They're in Mexico. -I wonder if they've shagged yet.
He's everything I've ever wanted in a husband,
in a father to my future children.
-Oh, hey! -She's fucking crackers.
If I was her, I'd have at least three fingers inside me by now.
-It's not that bad. -No?
He's gonna get his knob out.
Oh, that's it.
-You're on telly. -Dirty bastards.
-People will watch this. -Your mum's watching that.
"Oh, I'm just about to get it up the love chuff by this bloke."
Those kids you keep going on about having will watch this.
Would you have sex on telly?
If I was on Big Brother,
I'd give someone a handjob under the quilt,
but I wouldn't be like, "Oh, here's me doing the spread eagle"
and you can see last night's dinner.
I couldn't. I'm very well known for being a lady.
OK, not sex, but you wouldn't even do it with a blanket over.
-Give a quick nosh. -Yeah.
I'm only fucking human.
-Oh, man. -I feel like...
She has just had a full night of penetration.
I'm a gentleman. I'm not gonna talk about whether Lauren and I had sex.
"I'm a gentleman"? You've just shagged a woman you've just met on telly.
-Look at her. -She's got her button done up.
She's glowing.
They need a slap, the pair of them.
There was some Netflixing and Chilling.
Some "Netflixing." Well, we all know what that means.
Netflix and Chill means she's took it up the...
-Chuff. -The shitter.
Is she the one who was crying at the start of the other clip? She was like...
But you have to be you...
-She's a pisshead, man. -Yeah, she loves the wine.
-She's giving the dog wine! -No, I don't...
No, if I was a producer on this, I'd say, "That's animal abuse."
That's animal abuse.
-I hate her. -If she drinks that now.
Never mind her drinking, you shouldn't give a dog wine.
There's no competition because my heart is...
-That dog's pissed. -The dog's pissed up.
Fucking hangover. On the bacon in the morning.
There is no comparison between you and my mom.
My mom is separate.
Let me tell you, your mum's not gonna love her,
so just walk out the door and find someone else.
Bin her! Get rid!
I can't imagine how incredible she is...
She couldn't find her mouth with that glass.
They look like they need therapy, them two, they're not well.
They're gonna need fucking something after this.
A strong drink.
Well, I heard something. She said that you were in a rap group.
-Oh, he's not gonna start rapping! -Oh!
Feelin' like a kid with you
Your my main chick Those other girls are previews
Hop in the back, rollin' up Then we're free to cruise
I drop the top down Feelin' like we can't lose
I'm livin' in a dream and those haters...
If I was her, my fanny would have closed over.
The mum's looking at him like, "What the fuck?"
-Eminem is quaking in his boots. -Never.
-Alright! That was dank! -Yay!
No, it wasn't. Don't lie.
Well, to be kind, if I was the mother I'd be like...
-Yeah, you'd nod. -Yeah.
Nod and go, "that was nice."
But then I'd say to my daughter, "let's go for a ciggie",
and I'd be like, "Fucking hell, mate."
Oh, no! We're not at the wedding.
-Look at the dress! -Look at the harp!
-It's from Beauty and the Beast. -The dress.
His top lip's quivering. Look.
Oh, she looks lovely.
-She looks like Tiana the Disney princess. -She's a different woman.
Oh, I cry at weddings. I can't help it.
Every day that we've spent together has been a blessing to me.
-Every day of these whole 16 days. -Fucking 16 days.
You twat!
I'd have gone through all this for the frock.
Yeah, I'd say, "Just give us the dress, love."
I'd get the dress and run out the door.
-Nicholas the brother's fuming. -See this one now...
The brother's like, "you twat".
Yeah, but this one's lovely. These ones ain't got all the twats in.
I can actually believe this one.
Sixteen days, girl!
I know, but look.
I've never had a man love me as purely and selflessly as you have.
Is she for real?
To decide if love is blind...
-Is love blind? -Fucking hit by lightning now.
...to be your lawful wedded wife.
-It's a beautiful ceremony. -Face on her at the back.
You see her? She's like that.
-...honour and keep her... -She's like, "Who? Her?"
I do.
Oh, my God.
Is she gonna say it? If you don't, I'm gonna kick off.
I hope they do a follow-up of this.
-If she says no, I'm gonna die! -I want to see it crumble.
Oh, I fucking hate the editors for this music.
Don't even do it.
-Is she gonna say no? -She's hamming it up. She's not soft.
The fucking editors need a medal for this.
I do.
That's nice. That is nice actually. I'm happy now.
If she would have said, "I don't", I'm not joking--
-Girl, I'm fucking sweating. -I'd have smashed that cup.
I want the brother to kick off.
If that was my sister and I was sat there, I'd say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
I want to see if they're still together. I'm just upset I wasn't invited.
Well, their wedding looked fucking shite.
I thought it was a beautiful ceremony with the harp.
Everyone looked bored shitless.
What the fucking hell - excuse me - was going on there?
No, I enjoyed that. Did you enjoy that?
-Proper good trash telly, isn't it? -Very trashy.
It was absolute pandemonium. They were all arguing and everything.
But we just want to say, thanks for watching with us,
because it was enjoyable.
It was. It was orgasmic.
-Thank you. -Thanks for watching.