All right, guys. Welcome back to the 21 Convention, back from Lunch. Your next speaker up is Nick
Sparks. He is a four-time – this is his fourth time – returning speaker to The 21
Convention. I first met him back in 2009, and I was blown away by his speech, one of
the best that year, and every year since, of course, of course. He is the head coach
of The Social Man, one of the world leaders in dating and social skills development for
men. The title of his speech today is How to Hold Conversation Like a Man. Without further
adieu, we welcome Nick Sparks back to the stage.
Fourth time being up on The 21 Convention stage. First of all, I just want to say I
feel very fortunate to be up here, so thank you for having me again, Anthony. It’s awesome.
This is always the best. I always look forward to this event. I also feel very nervous. I
don't know if I’m giving all signs of that too much, but I’ve been doing this a lot
now in the past three or four years, but it never gets any easy for me. Whenever I stand
up here, I’m still trying to hold back myself from shaking, but I will do my best.
The title of my speech today is How to Hold Conversation Like a Man. It’s not the most
simple concept in the world to really define, to really explain but I’ll do my best. I
found through trying to explain this concept that one of the best ways that I can do it
is to start off with a story that I think really highlights what it means to hold conversation
like a man, what it means to be a man, take a masculine role in the conversation with
a woman. Three years ago now, my first time standing
at a 21 Convention, I opened up with a story, and about me and a girl which I thought was
going to help illustrate some points and teach some things, and some of the feedback I got
after that speech was along the lines of, “Oh, man. This asshole is just bragging
about some girls like he sounds like a douche bag,” this and that. Looking back, it might
have been a little bragging. It might have been a little douchey. I admit that. It’s
probably against my best self-interest to start with a story, but I’m going to go
ahead and do it anyway and hopefully I can try to keep the douche level as low as possible.
I’ll do my best. Thank you. Let’s see. This story starts out several
years ago. I was in Amsterdam on vacation. Great place to go. Visit it if you’ve never
been. I was staying in a hostel. I highly recommend staying in a hostel if you’re
ever traveling alone. It’s the best way to meet people. You’re always going to have
other people traveling alone. All over the world, really interesting cast, great way
to go out, find people to go out and do things with. I highly recommend staying in hostel.
It was in this one particular hostel that I’ve met this lovely Romanian girl – very
sweet, spoke good enough English, and we were getting to know one another. We were all sitting
around in a group. I was staying in a 15-person dorm room, which was about as big of a dorm
room I’ve ever stayed in a hostel, and we were sitting around in a circle, me and a
bunch of all other roommates. It was getting closer to the evening, and we were all just
kind of sitting around, getting to know each other, [unintelligible 0:03:30] having some
beers, having a good time, laughing, and this sweet Romanian girl, she was just sitting
right next to me. As we were talking, I was looking. We were
flirting a little bit. She started leaning closer to me, and she started like nuzzling
up a little bit, smiling, looking at me, and I thought, “This is a great start to a vacation.
This is perfect. I could not have planned this vacation any better. Welcome to Amsterdam!”
Of course, as fate would have it, as luck would have it, it’s never that simple because
as we were all sitting around, all of a sudden I hear some yelling. We look out the window.
Down at the courtyard, the thing is just to make this clear, we were on the second floor.
The window overlooked this courtyard, and directly across the courtyard was the all-male
dorm. I was in a coed. This was the all-male dorm. Sure enough, coming into the courtyard,
there were Norwegian guys yelling and screaming, beating their chests super like alpha, and
of course all the girls in the room go screaming over the window. “What’s going on?”
They want to like go, check out the action that’s happening down in the courtyard.
The guys were yelling up, making this big scene. The ringleader of the guys, the loudest
one, the one that’s talking the most, he pulls himself up. He grabs the window ledge,
pulls himself up to it like carries in the girls like “Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.”
Like helping to pull him in, like taking care of him. He stands up. His friends come up,
and he’s just in the middle of the circle. He’s holding court, telling all these stories
like making all these jokes. Everybody was like the focus is on him, and I see my sweet
Romanian girl starting to drift towards him as well, starting to lean forward, starting
to look at him more in the eyes, starting smiling looking at him.
I just think to myself, “Son of a bitch! Son of…There goes my beautiful, perfect
vacation. Son of a bitch!” I was not happy at all. I was not happy at all. At this point
that I found myself at a crossroads. There were several different directions I could
go and there were several different directions I wanted to go, there were several different
directions I was dying to go. My first impulse, the first reaction that
I had, the first thing that I wanted to do, I think it’s really common. I certainly
had it before, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. In fact, I would say we’ve all
experienced this first impulse, and that first impulse was to just feel sorry for myself.
Get pissed like kind of shut my mouth, kind of slink back in and think, “Screw this
guy! He’s such a douche bag. If she wants to be with a guy like that, fine go. She can
have him. I really didn’t like her that much anyway. This guy sucks. These people
are lame. I didn’t even like them. I wasn’t having a good time. Screw them.” Right?
Hold myself back, feel sorry for myself, make excuses, it was my first impulse. Thank God,
I started to do it. I started to shrink back when he first came in. That was my first impulse.
I started to do it. Thank God, I didn’t let that happen for too long. Because what
would have happened? I’ve done it before. We’ve all been there before. I would have
said screw this people, gone out to the bar by myself, right? I’ll find some chick myself.
I don’t need them. I would have been in such a bad mood that I would have turned off
anybody that got close to me. I would have ended up just getting hammered, stumbling
home, passing out, listening to them banging on the bed next to me or something like that.
I think it was the worst decision. Luckily, I didn’t go down that path, luckily.
My second impulse, my second action that I was desperate to take and this one was hard
for me to fight because this is standard MO like whenever I’m screwing up in a conversation
with a woman or in general like this is my biggest problem, right? That second impulse
for me, that second thing like, “I’ll know what I’ll do. Here’s what I’ll
do. I’ll show this guy. I was to say like I’m 10 times as entertaining. I’m 10 times
as charming. I’m 10 times as funny. I can hold court a million times better than this
guy. Does he realize who the heck he’s dealing with right now? Nick Sparks!” Right?
This was next impulse, my ego, my ego. What? I can be funnier. I can be better. Me, me,
me, me. Let me show everybody how hilarious I am, how much better I am than this guy.
That was my second impulse. I started like getting out there and trying to outdo him,
try to one up his jokes, one up his stories, to try to be the bigger center of attention
than he was. Thank God, I didn’t go down that path either though. I know where that
would have gone. I’ve been there before. I’ve done it before. Him and I would have
gotten to some sort of penis measuring competition. Who’s got the bigger one? Girls always get
turned off. “Oh, gosh. Guys, here they go with their stupid like childhood thing.”
The girls would have gotten turned off. They would have gone and done their own thing.
Maybe he and I would have been friends, maybe not. I don't know, but as long as I was playing
his game, I was never going to win. Luckily, I did not give in to my second impulse.
What did I do instead? Again, I like to tell this story because I really think it highlights
some of the most common mistakes what I often refer to as taking the feminine role in conversation.
It really helps luckily the course of action I chose to take instead I think really highlights
more the masculine role. What did I do in that situation? I realized that I’ve been
in his situation before. I can relate to him like perfectly. What does he want? He wants
that validation, and so I was going to give it to him. What I started to do? I became
his biggest cheerleader. I became his biggest cheerleader.
I started anytime he told a story, “No way. That’s awesome! Shut up! I did something
like that. It wasn’t nearly as cool. What was that like? That must have been incredible.
That’s really amazing, dude. That’s sweet. What was that? Tell me more about that part.
Did you do this or did you do that?” It’s crazy. It’s sweet.
I wasn’t holding myself out of the conversation, right? I wasn’t slinking back into my corner,
and I wasn’t trying to one-up him. I was very much a part of that conversation. I became
as active a member of that conversation as anybody else there, right? But I let him keep
his stage. I let him keep the spotlight. This is what I really think. If anything, the masculine
role in a conversation is it’s certainly not feeling sorry for yourself, making excuses,
holding yourself back. “Woe is me! Victim! Victim! Victim!” Right? It’s certainly
not trying to steal the center of attention. I really consider that to be the woman’s
role more, more on that in a second. But what’s the masculine role in a conversation?
It’s really, really simple. It’s to set the framework, to set the stage, i.e. the
stage to which they can start talking more to get them talking, and then it’s to provide
validation. It’s to provide your own source of I like this. I think this is good. That’s
awesome. We need more of that and not so much of that. Right? Do I want to be the jester
in that situation or do I want to be the king? And so, I like to say they really do a great
job at highlighting both the biggest mistakes that I see guys make when I’m working with
them in conversation. It also highlights what they should be doing instead.
The biggest mistakes I see in conversation really, really simple. Number 1 is definitely
physical, body language. We can talk about that a way more in the Q&A session and anything.
This is all about conversation, right? Number 1 physical leave out the table, but in conversation-wise,
the next two biggest things that people screw up in conversations: not doing anything, holding
themselves out of the conversation because they’re just feeling sorry for themselves,
making excuses, either not approaching or just kind of like in the group, letting everybody
else talk, feeling like I’m just left out of the group, number 1. Number 2: try to make
themselves the center of attention, try to look at me, look how funny, look how charismatic,
look how interesting I am. Like I said, this is my biggest mistake. Whenever
things don’t go well with me with me with a girl, and it happens. Whenever it happens
though, it’s only one reason because I’m making it all about myself. I’m not making
it about her, right? As interesting as I can be, as funny as I can be, as well as I can
hold a spotlight so to speak, I can’t even come close to touching a woman when she’s
fully lit up, when she’s just completely on like I can’t even be half as magnetic
as she can. Sometimes I think I can be and I wish I could be sometimes. I have that tendency
to want to want a little too much, but I always consider that the feminine role. That’s
what she was born for. The feminine was the flower. The feminine is the spotlight, and
so the second biggest mistake that I see is when guys try to take that away from her and
make it about them instead of making it about her.
One of my assistant coaches, she coined the term, “It’s much better to be interested
than to be interesting.” Because that’s really your two big goals in a conversation,
not to try to impress her with how funny or whatever you are. It doesn’t work. Consistency
will always falter. What are your two jobs in a conversation with a woman? One, get her
talking as much as possible. Two, make her feel good about it when she does. That’s
it. That’s all you have to do. The most common line I use to open up a conversation
or I have my guys to open up a conversation, “Hey! How’s it going?” It’s not your
job to try to be funnier, interesting, and win them over. It’s not your job to say
the right thing. It’s just your job to start the conversation. It’s your job to just
get it going, and then see what she has to offer. We’ll talk a little bit more about
how you’ll make that happen specifically. Don’t worry, but I want to emphasize first
and foremost that if you go in there just try to impress her. It’s always going to
fall flat. The goal is of course to get her talking.
How do you do that? How do you get a woman talking? Several ways. First, simple: you
ask them a question. You guys know this one, right? Nothing mind blowing. You ask her a
question, and then they respond in some way, shape, or form. I like this. I don’t like
that. The problem with questions is it’s too easy. Once again, you guys will know and
the biggest with questions is we end up overusing them, right? It becomes how many times you
fall into interview mode, doing all the talking. “Oh, cool. What do you think about that?
“Great, great, great.” “So what do you think about this?”
“Nice.” “So have you been there?” Question after
question, and she is just answering, right? It feels like you’re the one who’s doing
all the work. Once again, if you ever feel like you’re doing too much work in a conversation
and you’re not getting as much back in return, it’s because you’re doing too much work
in the conversation. You’re trying to do both the female role and the masculine role.
I can’t do that and be successful ever. You’re trying to give the foundation and
give her the validation, but you’re also trying to be the center of attention, too.
And so, yes when you’re trying to take on both those roles in the conversation, you’re
always going to be doing too much work, and you’re never going to get anything back
in return, right? That’s why you can’t just get battering with questions over and
over again because eventually it’s going to fizzle out. How else do you get them talking
other than a simple question? Of course, physical always matters. Nothing
is going to get a girl talking more than solid, dominant eye contact, holds them in place,
a facial expression that says, “Hey! Everything is all right. Nothing to worry about. Everything
is cool.” Physical dominance, something I teach, touching them, moving in close, using
your body, using the space between you to turn her on and to trigger her. The physical
stuff will always get her talking and getting her excited more than anything with her words
ever can. That’s why I usually really focus and really harp on that stuff, but in terms
of just conversationally, how do you get her talking? Of course, there’s the questions.
Those run out too much. The next thing is how do you not fall into
that question and interview pattern? Sometimes it just happens. Sometimes, she contributes
back to the conversation and it just flows, right? You guys have all been in a conversation
where it’s just flowing and it was easy and you wish you could make that happen more
or the second way verbally to really get her to contribute to the conversations what I
like to call teaching her how to have a conversation. Why? A lot of women don’t know how to have
a conversation. Older women? No effing problem. They will talk your ear out. It will be back
and forth. It will be good, right? Younger women, though, not always so good at it. You
got to teach them. Once again, it’s not their fault. They’re used to just having
guys come up. Ninety-nine percent of guys come up to them and they’re just trying
to impress them. They barely look them in the eye. They’re just trying to say the
right thing, trying to say something funny, and there she’s like, “Another one of
those guys. Next!” How to teach her how to have a conversation?
I also call this forcing her to contribute equally to the conversation. It’s the same
thing because what’s the proper conversation, right? You’re the man, you’re supposed
to start it, so you kick the ball to her. You put in some effort, but then she puts
in effort back, right? I always say she should do the vast majority of talking in a conversation.
Once again, if she’s not doing the majority of the talking, you’re talking way too much.
You’ve always heard that women love to talk, but if they’re not doing that often, if
they’re not doing the majority of the talking, you’re still definitely doing something
wrong, and this is where it comes in, right? It’s supposed to be an equal give and take.
It’s supposed to be an equal back and forth, but so many guys never even give her the opportunity
to contribute equally to the conversation because they’re so busy trying to fill in
those silences like say something next. There’s a moment of truth in a conversation, and that
moment of truth comes after you started, it’s always your job to start it. You start the
conversation. You kick it forward a little bit, and there’s maybe a little bit of back
and forth. I always say, “Hey, how’s it going? What are you guys up to?” It’s
my standard opening line, and we’ll talk. “Oh, yeah. You’re doing that. Cool. How’s
that?” Blah, blah, blah. She’ll ask me. “Oh, me and my friends
are just up to this, you know.” The Moment of Truth. There’s always a low,
right? There is that first question, there is that like opening little back and forth
banter you have and then it reaches a low in conversation, right? You guys will know
what I’m talking about. You guys have all experienced this low before that comes after
that first little topic as it’s little exciting and then it winds down. That first low I call
that the moment of truth because that’s when she’s going to know what kind of man
you are right then and there, right. It’s going to be anxious. It’s going to
feel nervous especially if you’re used to like in silence and you’re used to always
filling it in and always like rushing forward to try to say something because you can’t
handle that awkwardness, right? We’ve all done that. We’ve all been there, but if
you do that, if you’re just so nervous that you have to jump in and rush to fill that
silence because you’re afraid you’re going to lose her, she’s going to know right then.
“Oh, just another one of those guys.” Just another one of those guys, moment of
truth. Shame. What do you do in that situation? How
do you teach her how to have a conversation at that moment of truth? You employ a little
something that I like to call shame. Yeah, that’s right. You make her feel shame. You
shame her. Shame is one of the most powerful emotions known to man. We all know this. In
that moment where it comes to a low and you’re feeling all nervous, you’re feeling all
that anxiety. “Oh, my gosh. The conversation is going to die.” What you’re used to
doing in that situation, you’re used to putting that shame on yourself. I have to
say something. I have to make this happen. I have to keep this going. I have to have
the right thing to say. What should I do?” You’re looking around. “What do I say
next? What am I supposed to do next?” Why? It’s not your job. It’s both of your
job! It’s supposed to be a conversation. It’s supposed to be a cooperative effort.
Why are you putting all the pressure on yourself to do everything? Take her off the pedestal.
At that moment of truth right there, when it’s very natural to feel that anxiety,
to feel that nervousness, take a deep breath. You’re a man. You can take it. I remember
she’s a girl. She can’t, so I put that shame onto her. I put that pressure that I’m
feeling, I’m putting on anxiety, I’m handing it over to her. This is yours. I already did
my part in the conversation. Now, it’s your turn. Don’t you know how this stuff works?
What I do at that moment of truth really, really simple but important, so important
if there’s one thing I want you guys to do in conversations, this is it. At that moment
of truth, when you’re nervous and your first instinct is to look off and say, “What do
I say next?” Look her right into the eye and just get an expression that says, “Well,
what do you got? I’m listening.” I put them on the spot ‑ silence, dead fucking
silence. I want them to feel every single ounce of that anxiety. I can take it. She
can’t. “Well?” I say 75 percent of the time, if you hold
this, you don’t let it faze you, you show that you’re okay. What’s up with you?
She’s going to feel that awkwardness. She’s going to jump to fill in that conversation.
“So, what do you blah, blah, blah?” Right? When you guys weren’t thinking to like when
it was just happening, that happened, right? When you’re nervous, it doesn’t just happen.
You have to force it to happen. You got to stand up to every anxiety in your body that
wants to rush in and fill it. Hold your tongue, put your hand in your mouth if that’s what
it takes. Let her do it. As soon as she fills it in, “So, what do you think…”
I’m like I immediately get the biggest smile like that’s my victory right there. I know
it’s odd, but the second she starts putting an effort into the conversation, I give a
big smile. I try to reward her for it. I touch her. “That is a good question. That is so
sweet of you to ask me.” Give her a little hug, make her feel good about it, right? Teaching
her how to have a conversation. I’ll say 75 percent of the time, 80 percent of the
time, a woman will fill it in that first low if you give her the space to do it and you
just don’t talk over her. It doesn’t always happen, right? Sometimes
the girls start in a good mood. I talk about the 60/40 principle, that 60/40 principle
really, really briefly. It just simply states that any response you get from another human
being, 60 percent of it has nothing to do with you whatsoever and everything to do with
whatever mood they’re in. The other 40 percent, well yeah it does have to do with you, but
I always say that 40 percent is important. I say even like they’re 60, they have their
own issues, if you’re carrying your 40 percent well, you’re going to get majority positive
responses. Not everybody. You’re always going to have
people that are just in a bad mood. It happens. They got their own shit to worry about. It
has nothing to do with you. Girls are insecure. They’re awkward. They’re goofy. They’re
nerdy. It’s not you. But at the same token, if your 40 percent is off, well then you’re
probably going to get majority of negative responses. This gap right here, this moment
of truth is definitely. The physical is always the biggest, but this gap is a very big piece
of that 40 percent for you. Eighty percent of the time, they’re going
to fill it in. It doesn’t always happen. It doesn’t always happen. What do I do in
those situations then? In those situations, I’ll give her a second chance. I’ll wait
for a few moments like I’m not going to rush this whatsoever. I’m going to take
my sweet time looking at her. “Well?”She’s not responding. She’s not giving anything
back to me. She like looks away for a second. I might look away, take a sip at my drink,
stretch, show her I’m unfazed. Show her this doesn’t bother me whatsoever, but I
might look back at her. “So, what do you think about that?”
I got a standard like three lines of questions. It’s really simple. In the questions I use,
I don’t ask very many questions. My first lines are, “Hey, what do you guys…”
or “Hey, how’s it going? What are you guys up to?” That’s going to be the first
well. If she’s still not responding after that first well, she’s one of those weirdo
who doesn’t still, my second one is always going to be, “So, where are you from?”
Where are you from is a great question, great question. It looks boring on the surface,
but it’s easy to just get deep. It’s so easy to jump into, “What was it like growing
up? What was your favorite part about there? What are some of your happiest memories from
so and so? Should I visit? Would you show me around? What should we do when we go there?”
Bring up childhood memories. Nostalgia always feels good. So, a really boring question,
easy to get deep. Then, I’ll usually give her a third chance.
If she’s still not responding, I’ll try a third time, my last question is almost mocking
her. My last question is almost mocking her. It’s just, “So, do you come here often?”
If she’s still not doing, I don’t try to get fancy with these questions. I want
to keep them as boring as possible because I don’t like to think a lot. I don’t want
to work hard. I’m not trying once again I’m not trying to impress her. That’s
the last thing, that’s the last vibe I’m trying to put out. You’re just hanging out
and seeing what she’s got. My second follow-up is, “So, where are you
from?” Then, once again, we’re going to talk about that, and then next we’re going
to talk about what’s going on in this whole like jumble a thing and how you can maximize
that and how you can get her talking with, but before we get to that, the thing winds
down and there is that second well, right? The second well now comes and I’m going
to turn up the shame a little bit higher this time around. I’m going to be overdoing my
well. I’m going to start, “Well…” I’m going to be like trying to make her
feel like, “Are you okay? Is there something wrong with you because do you know how this
works?” I’m not saying this, but I’m essentially communicating this through my
look, through my facial expression, through my hands, trying to get her to fill that second
well. Once again, you turn up the shame. You do
it the second time. Most girls are going to get it. I’ll say like 90 percent of girls
will fill in that second time if you give it to her. She’s going to get it. “Okay,
it’s my turn to contribute. Now, I get it.” Once again, I reward her with a big hug.
“You’re the best. Look at you.” Right? Then, third if she still doesn’t fill it
in, I’m really taking my sweet time. I might just say goodbye at that point. For whatever
reason, I want to give her a third chance. That’s when I’ll really be like, “So,
where are you from?” I’m just really over her. I’m just mocking her at this point.
It’s just almost like who are you? Are you a human being that’s ever communicated with
another human being before? More to come when those situations happen, but for now, like
I said, majority of the time, they will fill in that space if you leave it for them. That’s
what I say. You do anything in conversation tonight like making them feel that shame,
force them to contribute equally to the conversation. Don’t just try to talk their ear off, trying
to impress them, number one. Being Fully Present. What’s next? How else?
That’s teaching her how to have a conversation. How else do you get here talking now? The
next best way verbally of course to get her talking ‑ and this goes right back to my
Amsterdam experience ‑ the next best way to get her talking is what I call being fully
present. Being fully present, letting her know that there’s nothing else that’s
more important in the world than her right now.
Women’s number 1 complaint about guys in bars conversationally number 1 complaint:
I feel like he’s not listening to me. I feel like he’s just waiting for his turn
to talk. Number 1 complaint by women in bars: He’s not listening. He’s just waiting
for his turn to talk. Same thing, right? You’re trying to make it about you. You’re trying
to think, “Oh, well. I’ve got this next line. It’s going to impress her. Yeah, yeah,
yeah. She’s rounding it.” It’s like you’re just waiting for a keyword that you
can snug on to. “Great! I got my keyword. I know what my next question is going to be.
I can make this conversation go longer. Gone. I can tune you out. “Great. That’s really
nice. Awesome. Sweet. So, what do you think about that?” She knows. A woman knows when
you’re not listening. A woman knows when you’re just waiting for your turn to talk.
The next number one thing you can do to get her talking more is to let her know you really
are interested in what she has to talk about for real though, genuinely. I don’t care
about what I’m going to say next. I can’t even think about what I’m going to say next.
All that matters is what you’re talking about right now. No agenda. I’m just fascinated.
It’s basically just active listening, but if it was so easy, we’d all be doing it
already. I have some techniques that I find are very helpful and helping you to be more
present, helping you more really tuned in to show her that nothing else matters and
she is whatever else she is saying is the most interesting funny, important thing you
could ever roll around in your brain and think about.
Buffering. First one of these techniques and you may be familiar with this if you’ve
watched my speech from last year or present. For last year, I talked about it right at
the end. I called it buffering. You might have seen this. Instead of just saying something
else, instead of just rattling off, you just say, “Really?” Or, “Is that right?”
Then just leave a pause and you look at them, “Oh, really? Ha! That’s really cool.”
Just making this little comment. “That’s so interesting. Ha!” Right?
There became a little bit of a problem with this stuff. Guy just became a buffering robots
like guys would just go out, “Really? That is so interesting.” Just saying it without
much thought, so it kind of lost a little bit of its glow.
The Overly Empathetic Child. The new way that I described buffering I think really seals
up those holes I left in it from last year and it’s what I call the overly empathetic
child listening to a story. If you ever want a great example of a listener, just take any
kid. People love kids because when a kid is listening to a story, he doesn’t have some
agenda. He’s not wondering, “Oh, what can I say to get this person to like me more?”
Or “How can I make them laugh afterwards? What can I do…” Kids are just tuned in.
they don’t have any hidden agendas. They’re just solely focused on this is so cool, right?
I’d like to say if you’re telling a kid a story and if you’re a good storyteller
whatever you say, “…and then the monsters jump out,” and the kid like literally jumped
out of his chair like, “Oh, my gosh. Monsters!” Right? The best example of listening I could
ever provide. That kid is so tuned in to what it is I’m talking about, to what it is I’m
feeling, he’s literally feeling it 10 ten times stronger as his own body like the kid
just shit in his pants. That’s how strong he’s really tuned in and really paying attention.
There’s no better example I can give of listening than that, I always I like say.
The thing is usually when you’re nervous, you tend to like tighten up a little bit more,
you tend to be less expressive, so I always like to say overdo the shit on this one. If
there’s a second thing I want you to do in conversation, I want you to be that overly
empathetic child, right? If she says that her dog died, you better have a look on her
face like your mother just died, like that second. I mean you know well wishes for all
of your mothers, of course. That’s a graphic example I know. I apologize for what I’ve
said. Something happier ‑ she just needs to talk
about how she did something really cool. You better have a look on your face like you just
rode over the Grand Canyon in a motorcycle. I’m not asking you to be fake. I’m asking
you to overcompensate for your natural tendency to tighten up, not listen and not respond
emotionally the way that she would like the most.
Second thing I want you to do aside from teaching her the conversation, be that overly empathetic
child. There’s few things in this world that turn on a woman more than when she knows
that a man is just fully focused on her, not even thinking about anything but just completely
clued-in, completely tuned in. A few things will turn on a woman more than when she’s
getting genuine, strong attention from a man, few things.
Relating and Personalizing. Second technique for being really present I like to call this
one relating and personalizing. It’s a complicated name. What do I mean by that? Relating refers
to relating your own personal experience whatever. Personalizing means asking more personal questions
to her about she’s talking about. Relating ‑ I did this one time. Personalizing, what
was it like? Did you enjoy that? What was your experience like? Would you recommend
it? How did you feel about that? More personal questions about her, about regarding whatever
she’s talking about, and here’s the secret about this stuff.
All this stuff, all the listening stuff that we’re talking about, the secret is it requires
no effort whatsoever, zero. The only effort that I’m ever doing in a conversation is
those couple of questions that I mentioned, a couple of questions that I mentioned, and
forcing her to have a conversation sometimes when it’s necessary, right? That’s the
only work I’m ever doing. The rest of this stuff, it’s no thought whatsoever. Relating
and personalizing, I’m just fully tuned in to her. I’m just fully listening to her,
and as I am it’s naturally going to make me think of things in my past. I’m just
naturally going to think of memories, of things that are related to it. No work whatsoever.
It just pops out when I’m really paying attention to somebody.
If I’m really tuned in, it’s relating. If I’m really tuned in, if I’m really
thinking about what she’s going through and imagining it, imagining myself in that
situation what it would be like, I’m going to have natural curiosities. I’m going to
wonder what that’s like. I won’t be able to help myself.
Personalizing is simply an expression of your natural curiosity. No thinking required whatsoever.
What’s it like? I want to know. I’m genuinely curios. Relating…personalizing. All of it
once again is just happening as a bubble before the well. This is all swirling around in this
space, getting her talking more. The more you’re really focused on her, the more she’s
going to talk. The more you’re just relating personal stories that you’re just inspired
by and really asking questions that you’re curious about, the more she’s going to talk.
Following the Trail of Breadcrumbs. Then, the third technique I have for active listening,
I call it following the trail of breadcrumbs. This one is simple. It’s based on the premise
that women will always tell you what they want to talk about next, if you’re paying
attention. They’ll always drop little hints in the conversation. It’s not complicated.
We make it ourselves complicated like, “Okay. I have to say something funny. I have to say
something clever. I have to say something interesting. Now, just take the easy layup.
Just take the lob that she’s throwing right at you. Don’t try to be fancy. You don’t
have to. She’s going to be like, “Yeah, it was fun. We did that for a couple of years,
but then you know I had to stop.” “Why did you have to stop?”
“Oh, I had some family stuff going on and my heart wasn’t in it.”
“Well, I don't know if you want to talk about the family stuff. Why wasn’t your
heart in it?” Simple. Follow the trail of breadcrumbs that she’s laying out for you.
No need to look anywhere else outside of the material she’s just throwing at you if you’re
really paying attention. Validation in the Form of Sexual Interest.
How to get her talking more? Other than physical, questions, teaching her how to have conversation,
being fully present ‑ three most powerful verbal ways that you’re going to get her
talking more. Possibly the three most powerful because there’s another one that’s also
ridiculously powerful, ridiculously powerful. It’s possibly the most powerful way that
you can affect a woman, and that is to give her validation in the form of sexual interest.
She’s a girl. She wants to feel desired by a man. It’s in her DNA. She can’t help
it. When she starts giving off signals that she’s interested in you, signals are really
simple. I have four: (1) She’s holding eye contact. That’s a strong one. You’re getting
eye contact. It’s over. (2) She’s filling in those gaps in the conversation. Why do
you think I smiled so much when she fills in that gap that I’m leaving for her? That’s
a sign that she’s attracted to you. (3) She gets a real smile on her face, not a polite
smile but a genuine smile. She’s really happy, can’t help it. (4) This is another
strong one, too: she points her hips at you. People will always point their hips at what
they’re most interested in. A woman gives me her hips, I’m all over her at that point.
But the point being is that when a woman shows her interest in you, if you don’t respond
with interest as well, if you don’t say I like you, too, you’re basically telling
her, “Thanks but no thanks, bro. Like you’re cool, good luck with everything, I’m not
just that into you.” Or, “I’m not just confident enough to do something.” Either
way, she’s going to go find another guy. She’s out at the bar, she’s looking for
love. She’s looking for excitement. She wants to hook up or at least flirt and have
a sexy time. If you’re not going to be the guy that’s going to give it to her, on to
the next one really easy. In that moment that she starts lighting up and she starts showing
you she’s interested in you, if you do not express your interest back towards her, you’re
going to lose her every single time. Why does she want a guy that doesn’t like
her or can’t even express it if he does? You have to. You must know in that situation
express your sexual interest, giving her validation through your sexual interest. That’s really
what escalation is. That’s really all escalation is. It’s showing a girl you’re interested
in her through the way you look at her, through the way you touch her, through how bad you
want your body on top of her, and through the things that you’re saying because you
can’t help but think of them that she’s turning you on. That’s all escalation is,
and that’s a whole another speech. Once again, you want to talk about that in
questions or when we’re out, awesome. Let’s do it, but I’ll probably be talking about
that. It will probably be the basis of my speech next year. No time whatsoever to delve
into escalation, but I will say very briefly is that if you give that woman that sexual
validation “I’m attracted to you. I like you,” that definitely ranks up there with
all the other powerful ways of getting her excited and getting her wanting to talk more.
Once again, if you don’t, she’s going to talk less, she’s going to talk less.
She’s going to start looking around. She’s going to say, “I’ll see you later. Good
luck with everything.” Every single time, so you have to display your sexual interested
for her. That’s really it. if I’m doing all of that, once again the majority of guys
who are out there just walk up to her, try to win her over, do all of the talking, trying
to impress her, not letting any of those silences fall because they’re too nervous and they
can’t handle it. Every single girl is like, “Yup. Another one of those guys” Another
one of those guys. But if you’re a guy, walks up, looks her
strong in the eye, has a confident expression on his face, shows that he is comfortable
touching her and being close to her, is not afraid of her, shows he’s not trying to
win her over and impress her with his words. He’s actually forcing her, expecting her
to contribute equally to the conversation, to show that he’s not just thinking of the
next thing that he’s going to say to impress her, to show that he’s not no agenda, just
totally tuned into her, totally comfortable with it, and showing that he’s interested
in her. You’re going to ask any girl, how many guys do that? Maybe 1 percent barely
say they never see those guys, so when they do they immediately know. “Oh, it’s one
of those guys. I like those guys.” I want to go back and touch what happens again
if maybe she’s not as receptive, right? What happens if she doesn’t give you a strong
signal. Once again if you’re bringing everything that I just mentioned, you’re going to be
getting positive responses the vast majority of the time. I promise. If you’re not, you
won’t. Promise. Once again, there’s always those situations
where maybe you’re a little bit off, maybe she’s a little bit off. What do you do in
those situations? A couple of things, a couple of verbal things I like to do. Once again,
I’m going to usually turn up my physicalness to see if I can jar her out of it with a little
extra energy for my body the strongest way. But verbally I’m also going to spice things
up, just a little bit to see if I can maybe shake her loose, shake her out of whatever
kind of funk she’s in, shake myself out of whatever funk I’m in, too. The things
that I do to spice things up, they’re just self-amusing. They’re just things that I
do to have fun with the conversation because I have to entertain myself because she’s
not being very entertaining at the time. Playfully Challenging. What are some of those
things? Being playfully challenging is one of them. This one is simple. Whatever she
says, I’m just going to challenge her on it. She says she did, she says she went to
Harvard or whatever, “No. You didn’t. You’re such a liar. I don’t believe you
at all.” The expression is playfully challenging. You have a smile, you got to look them in
the eye. It’s almost saying, “You’re not that cool. I refuse to believe you’re
that cool. No way. You never did that. You’re a liar.” Playfully challenging.
Playfully Disagreeing. Playfully disagreeing is another one. Whatever opinion she expresses
about something, I’m just going to express the direct opposite strongly. She says, “Oh,
my gosh. I love those guys.” “I hate those guys.”
“What? What are you talking about” “I don’t even know who you’re talking
about.” I’m just throwing to throw her off. “Oh, my gosh like that is the worst.
That sucks.” “What are you talking about? That’s my
favorite. My dad and I used to do that every single day. “What are you talking about?”
“Really? Oh, my gosh. I’m sorry ‑ No, no. I’m just kidding.” Playfully disagreeing.
Another one of my favorites, I use this constantly, constantly you block. Whatever she says, it’s
just that old middle school thing you block. “That’s stupid.”
“You’re stupid.” “Oh, my gosh. It looks like fun.”
“You look like fun.” Whatever she says, “That’s the worst.”
“You’re the worst.” Whatever it is, you’re block. It’s a great way to just
kind of mix things up. It’s so easy. Famance and Playful Disinterest. Two other
ways that I like to mix things up if it gets to it, and these are two different sides to
this exact same coin: Famance, which of course is French for false romance – I don’t
speak French. Famance and playful disinterest. Two sides of the same coin. Famance says whatever
she’s talking about, “Oh, my gosh. That’s the hottest, sexiest thing I’ve ever heard
in my life.” She’s like, “Oh, my gosh. I got this new
rain boots.” “I love new rain boots. Oh, my gosh. Those
are sexy rain boots.” Those are good because you can touch her a little bit more. You can
get closer to her, and you’re playing around, so she’s a lot more loose with what she’ll
allow. On the other side of the coin, playful disinterest.
“Ugh!” This one is easy for me. This one is easy for me. If a girl says she’s from
Ohio, “I’m from Michigan. In case you weren’t aware, our two states fought a war
at some point. We’ve hated each other ever since with a passion. Why wouldn’t I? They’re
rednecks.” Sorry. No offense to any Ohio people of course,
all in good fun, but I’m definitely going to give her some play, right? I’ll turn
my back a little bit. “Are you serious? Gross.” I might often what I’ll do, I’ll
make physical contact. I’ll establish physical contact with her when I do it like I’ll
push her away a little bit but I’m still touching her, right? Letting her know I’m
still interested with my physicalness, so she still like stays interested. I’m not
actually and then I’ll come back. “It’s all right. I’ve had friends from Ohio. You
guys aren’t that bad. I’m sure your dad rides a truck. I can go and accept that. It’s
no problem.” Nothing wrong with truck driving, either; it’s an honorable profession. It’s
an Ohio joke. Some different ways I mix things up in case you’re getting tight.
The Warm Goodbye. One other thing I want to leave you with if it’s not going so. Once
again, I’m usually going to give her two tries, sometimes three if I’m feeling really
generous to contribute back to the conversation. If I’m feeling really generous, I’ll give
her a third shot, but when it’s just deadwood, when it’s just nothing there, very, very
important that you employ what I call the warm goodbye. There is another thing that
I’d like you to do tonight. I would love you all to employ the warm goodbye.
What’s the warm goodbye? It’s really simple. “Hey, guys, I got to get back to my friends,
but it’s been fun. It’s been really fun talking to you. I hope you have a great rest
of the night. Cheers!” You go to your friends. Why is this is so important? Why is this so
freaking important? It’s important for a number of reasons. Number 1, you want to may
be save some sort of chance with that girl. Maybe she’s just in a funk. Maybe it’s
early on in the night, and she’s still feeling a little awkward. She hasn’t had enough
drinks yet to feel sexy and confident, so she’s just a little stiff, right. If you’re
sitting there, showing no social intelligence whatsoever, just trying to drag out this conversation,
doing all the talking, trying to win her over, it’s just to get more awkward and more awkward,
and you’re going to feel worse and worse, and she’s going to get more turned off.
She’s going to think who is this weirdo?” But if you just show social intelligence,
go up not try to impress her, see what she’s got, and she’s not there yet. You’re just
like, “Hey, I got to get back to my friends. You guys have a good night.”
All of a sudden, she starts thinking, “Wait. That was actually a cool guy. Like I was an
asshole there like this is why my mother always ask me why I’m single all the time. That’s
why! Fuck!” I’ve had so many girls come up to me after
I warmed goodbye them. “Hey, how’s it going? Yeah. I was being this way and that
way. It’s number 1: saving any possible chance you have with those girls.
Number 2 reason for the warm goodbye: every other girl in that place is watching you.
They are. They want to see how does this go. They’re going to be judging that interaction.
Five minutes? Really? Crap! I’m glad I have some perfect timing.” Time flies when you’re
rocking them. Second most important reason: everybody else
is watching you, so if you’re just kind of like if they’re kind of closing the group
in and you see they’re not responding, you just kind of put your head down and slink
away in shame, they’re going to say, “Oh man, that guy just got shot down hard.”
Right? Instead, if you say, “You know what, it’s
been great talking to you, girls. Have a great night.” You walk away.
Then all of a sudden, they’re like, “Oh, he seems like a fun, cool social guy. Those
girls are just kind of awkward and cold.” Like some girls know that girls are just icy
like that’s commonly accepted in girl knowledge. They’ll be like, “Oh, those are those
girls. I hope I don’t want to be those girls. My mother always asks me why I’m not married.
It’s every girl’s nightmare. It’s fantastic.” Number 3 reason is the most important I would
say, though, you do it for you. You do it for you. you’re saying, “No. I’m not
ending this on your terms. You’re not rejecting me. You’re not trying to sit here and say
I’m not good enough for you.” Right? “You’re the socially awkward one. You’re the weirdo.
I’m ending this on my terms. I’m saying goodbye to you.” You walk away a little
bit taller. You walk away a little bit stronger. You walk away with a little bit more confidence
for your next interaction. Every single time, it’s magical. I promise you.
Sometimes when you see they’re really kind of bitchy, I’ll be patronizing. “You know
what, it’s been such a pleasure talking to you guys. I really hope you have a good
rest of the night. Good luck with everything, girls. Good luck with everything.” It makes
me feel a little bit better, but I don’t recommend it. It’s kind of like a dick move,
but it makes me feel a little bit better, and it closes all off because we’re wrapping
up.
Maybe you do have time for Q&A?
Awesome. Just in case you’re wondering what happened in Amsterdam, as I started to give
him more validation, he started working for me more. He started giving more back to me.
I was giving exactly what he was looking for, so this guy loved me.
He started, “Yeah, bro. Then I did that and that.”
“Oh, yeah. It was really cool.” “Oh, man, yeah. So we were doing this and
it was totally fun. Yeah, we did that and that.”
“No way. That’s sweet. Shut up.” I’m being genuine here. You can’t fake this
because they’re going to know effing with them, right? “No way! That’s really sweet.”
As he started coming towards me more like talking more because I’m like getting him
more excited that I really know what he was talking about, I started leaning back a little
bit. “No way. Shut up. It’s wild. Get out of here. It’s so cool.”
I started talking less and less and everybody else was now looking at me, and I was leaning
back because the center of attention was now giving all his attention to me. Of course
everybody else in the group is going to be giving their attention to me, and so they
stopped asking questions. “Yeah cool, man. It’s great. Awesome. All right, cool.”
I kind of wind it down. Of course, as I leaned back, the sweet Romanian girl started cuddling
back up next to me. I had her leaning back towards me. I just looked at her and said,
“Want to go grab a beer?” Got out of there, had a beer, had a wonderful rest of the vacation
together as douchely as possible. That’s how you take the masculine role in
a conversation. Thank you, guys. Questions, please.
Two questions, we have. Please decide so I don’t have to be the asshole. Okay.
Great speech. I love it a lot.
Thank you.
I really have a question. What kind of emotional response are you trying to elicit when you
are employing this tactic?
Good question.
And then what’s the kind of line drawn between how it comes across as creepy and how it comes
across being a boss versus being there in the zone?
Question is how can you come across as creepy?
I just feel like that maybe that the death stare that you give the girls, not you in
particular but just anybody if they would have tried this out, so I feel like some girls
might feel like, “Why is this guy just saying oh, really and just staring at me?”
Yeah.
I can kind of feel like some girls are…I’m really [unintelligible 0:53:24].
Great question, no, no, no. Really great question. So many guys are terrified of this whole being
creepy thing like of course eye contact as hard as you could ever imagine. I always challenge
my guys at the beginning of the week. I would challenge you to get shot down for making
too much eye contact. I dare you to. I dare you to. The thing is can you make so much
eye contact? Absolutely. Most guys are so far on the opposite end of that that they
need to try to overdo it to compensate, to overcompensate for their huge deficiency and
some guys try to overcompensate, they’re not even close to where that line is. They
got to try to overdo it one more time. Being creepy is the number one fear, the number
one excuse that guys use to keep themselves back in this position. I would say don’t
even worry about being creepy because if you’re seeing consistency issues, you’re so far
down at this end like that should be the last of your fears, okay?
What is creepy? Like the guys who get shot down by making too much eye contact, it’s
always the same, right? They’re just staring at a girl with no facial expression. Did I
say facial expression is one of the most important things? No facial expression and a girl looks
at him, and it’s not a bad look. The girl is just like, “Well?” Right? She gives
you that look like what do you want? Guys always take it as a bad sign. Guys always
take that, “Oh, she doesn’t like me. I’m doing something creepy.”
Why? She just wants to know what dude? Are you going to say something or are you just
going to stand there?” That’s all she wants to know. “Are you going to fucking
to talk to me or what?” Let’s say the only guy that’s ever been shot down for
making too much eye contact is if they have a dead expression on their face or when the
girl is like what, they just don’t do anything. What is creepy? Really, really simple. All
creepy is if a girl shows you in any way, shape, or form that she’s uncomfortable
with something, if you keep doing it. Creepy is when you’re so in your own world, you’re
not even paying attention like to anyone else like you’re almost cut off from. That’s
creepy. I wouldn’t be worrying about that with you right now. I’d be worried about
making more eye contact, making enough eye contact and doing something when she gives
you that well-what look. Smile when you do it.
I want to really briefly take you to that expression, that everything is okay especially
when you go up to start a conversation, so important because she’s always going to
be looking at you. She’s always going to look to you and say, “Is this going to be
comfortable and is this not? She looks at you and you have a look on your face that
says this is not okay. This is not comfortable. She won’t be comfortable with it. If you
have a look on your face that says, “Everything is all right. Nothing to worry about. We’re
just having a good time. I’m at a bar, chit chatting, don’t worry. I’m not a psycho
killer. I’m just a dude. No problem.” It’s fine. She’s always going to look
to you though especially in those first 5 seconds to let her know whether you’re okay
or not or whether this is okay or not. Thank you. Good question. Yes?
Nick, great speech again.
Thank you.
So I have a two-part question. One is in the community, there has been a traditional view
on making a lot of statements as opposed to asking questions. I kind of wanted to ask
for your opinion on that because I’ve been taught that once you make too many questions
at the start, you’re putting the conversational pressure on her and making statements kind
of does the opposite. My second question as a follow-up to that is when you ask a question,
should it be a question that always open a lot of threats. for example, an open-ended
question as opposed to something like how tall are you which probably doesn’t lead
to a lot of…you know.
I kind of answer your second question? I don’t care that much. I don’t. I’m not trying
that hard. To answer your first question, which was asking questions using statements
is that I like statements to start a conversation, but I always use questions just as easily
to start a conversational like sometimes like I’ll just say one other thing I like is
when I’m feeling something positive to share that with her like I love this song, right?
Statements are also great for day game, for daytime talking the girls like opening conversations,
which is a general statement about your surroundings. It’s always a good way to start those conversations.
But would I also agree that you don’t ask too many questions? Yeah. like I said, I’m
only trying a bare minimum of the time. The vast majority of the time, she should be doing
the vast majority of the talking, and I’m just listening, I’m just relating and personalizing.
I’m just an overly emphatic child, I’m forcing her to contribute. I’m barely asking
questions, but I do it because it works. It’s easy to remember. I don’t want to have anything
too complicated. To dovetail into your second question a little
bit, well this complicated thing this shouldn’t be this kind of question. I don’t – All
I know is that in that moment, when this girl is looking at me and I think she’s gorgeous
and she’s making my heart beat out of my chest, I can’t think of any of that shit.
I just need a rope that I can grab on to. I just need the most simple thing that can
pop into my head. First level when I’m trying. “Hey, how’s
it going? What are you guys up to? Blah, blah, blah. Where are you from?” When she starts
to light up, I have a second tier of questions, and it’s just all about her. When she starts
to light up, when she starts to open up, showing that she’s interested in you, I stop all
the joking around and talking about and I want to know. I just home in who are you?
The second tier of questions is all about her hopes, her dreams, her passions. Who she
is. When she starts opening up, the second thing I’m going right into is so like what
are you into? What are you passionate about? Who are you? I want to know like what turns
you on. What could you be if you didn’t have to spend any money that whole kind of
thing. That’s what I’m trying to get into: hopes, dreams, and passions. Like I said,
I don’t think about it much further than that.
Thank you.
Thank you, cool. That’s it. Thank you again, guys, very much. I appreciate it.