A QUESTION FOR YOU FOLKS.
YOU READY FOR THIS?
THIS IS A PERSONAL QUESTION.
YOU GUYS READY?
( CHEERS ) IS ANYBODY HERE A HUMAN?
ARE YOU HUMAN?
ARE YOU HUMAN HERE?
THEN THIS NEXT STORY MAY UPSET YOU.
I'M UPSET.
WE ALL HAVE JOBS TO DO, RIGHT?
I'M DOING MY JOB RIGHT NOW, AND I GOT THESE CAMERAS IN HERE TO
PROVE IT.
AND AFTER THE ATTACKS IN ORLANDO, FLORIDA, I THOUGHT
MAYBE THE GOVERNMENT MIGHT DO THEIR JOB AND PASS ANY KIND OF
LAW, EVEN A FIG LEAF TO JUSTICE THEIR EXISTENCE.
WELL, FOR THINKING THAT, I OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
NOW, THERE WAS A VOTE.
SENATOR CHRIS MURPHY'S 15-HOUR FILIBUSTER MADE THAT HAPPEN.
BUT YESTERDAY, EACH PARTY INTRODUCED TWO GUN BILLS, AND
ALL FOUR OF THOSE BILLS WERE VOTED DOWN.
THEY COULDN'T EVEN AGREE TO KEEP PEOPLE ON THE TERROR WATCH
LIST FROM BUYING HIGH-POWERED ASSAULT RIFLES.
IT'S EASY TO FEEL HOPELESS, ESPECIALLY WITH HEADLINES
LEADING UP TO THE VOTES LIKE "GUN CONTROL BILLS EXPECTED TO
FAIL IN SENATE ON MONDAY."
"SENATE SET TO VOTE ON FOUR GUN CONTROL MEASURES, NONE EXPECTED
TO PASS."
"SENATE STRIKES DEAL TO VOTE ON DOOMED GUN PROPOSALS."
AND "JUSTIN BIEBER IS SET TO CASH IN MILLIONS FROM HIS NEW
LINE OF EMOJIS: "JUSTMOJIS."
NOW, I KNOW THAT LAST ONE IS NOT ABOUT THE SENATE, BUT IT STILL
MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY HOPELESS.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU SENATORS.
92% OF AMERICANS WANT TO EXPAND BACKGROUND CHECKS FOR GUN
BUYERS, AND YOU JUST IGNORE THEM.
SINCE WHEN DOES 8% OF THE POPULATION GET TO HAVE TOTAL
CONTROL OF AN ISSUE?
THAT'S LIKE TAKING YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY ON A CROSS-COUNTRY CAR
TRIP AND LETTING GRANDMA CHOOSE ALL THE MUSIC.
( LAUGHTER ) "NANA!
"NANA!
GLEN MILLER IS GREAT, BUT I'M GOING TO RUN A HOSE FROM THE
TAILPIPE TO MY MOUTH."
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SORRY!
I'M SORRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M SORRY, I KNOW IT MUST BE HARD TO BE IN
THE SENATE AND FIND COMMON GROUND ON SUCH A POLITICALLY
FRAUGHT ISSUE, AND, YOU KNOW WHAT?
( BLEEP ) THAT.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE GLOVES OFF.
( APPLAUSE ) HERE WE GO.
ROUND ONE!
HIT IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY SENATE
HEY, SENATE, MY DOG ACCOMPLISHED MORE THAN YOU THIS WEEK WHEN HE
ROLLED OVER AND LICKED HIS NUTS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, SENATE, I'VE SEEN BUGS
TRAPPED IN AMBER MOVE FASTER THAN YOU.
HEY, YOU GUYS THINK A TERRORIST WATCH LIST IS WHEN YOU PUT
"HOMELAND" ON YOUR NETFLIX QUEUE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL ASK THE GUN LOBBY TO CHECK FOR A HERNIA, AS
LONG AS THEY'VE GOT YOUR BALLS IN THEIR HAND.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SENATE, SENATE, YOU COULDN'T
PASS A BILL IF IT WAS COATED IN EX-LAX.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT IF YOU EVER DID PASS A BILL,
IT WOULD SAY, "BE IT RESOLVED: NO KISSING, AND THE N.R.A.
SHOULD JUST LEAVE THE MONEY ON THE DRESSER."
SENATE, SENATE, YOU ACCOMPLISH SO LITTLE THAT KYLIE JENNER
WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU DO FOR A LIVING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SENATE, SENATE, YOU'VE GOT MORE
OLD WHITE MEN LYING AROUND THAN A LIFE ALERT AD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU ARE SO DIVIDED, YOU COULDN'T
COME TOGETHER IF YOU HAD 30 HOURS AND A ( BLEEP ) REACH
SUPERSTING.
YOU'RE LIKE GRANDPA AFTER AN ALL-STARCH DINNER: YOU CAN'T GET
(BLEEP) DONE.
( BELL RINGING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪ ♪ ♪ I'M STILL UPSET, BUT I FEEL A
LITTLE BETTER.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH AUBREY PLAZA.