What's up, everybody? This is Charlie from Charisma on Command, and, today, we're going
to be doing a Charisma Breakdown of Jennifer Lawrence, and I'm going to be focusing on
two things that she is amazing at, which is being more relatable and more likable. Now,
it's not just because if you go on any YouTube channel, any sort of internet forum, there's
this incredible outpouring of love and affection for her by people who have never met her,
really, they just watch these videos. It's, also, that she is the most famous actress
on the planet, yet she does not seem to garner any of the animosity or jealousy that you
would expect for someone in that position that is very common when people achieve high
status, and I want to talk about why, because it's something she does in just about every interview,
so let's get started.
You were working there. I don't know what you did.
It didn't come across over the course of a full week what I did there?
No, I had a-- I had a really big crush on you.
So this is your first hint. What she does in just about every interview is she tells
these vulnerable, embarrassing, weird human stories, and while you can tell stories about
just about anything to build a connection, because we love narrative. People love narratives.
The ones that, really, are going to create the most impact are these embarrassing ones,
and that's three-fold the reason why. First off, as soon as you start telling an embarrassing
story, you've got somebody's interest, because it's going to be juicy. The second thing is
that you have instant credibility. People don't like to talk about the things that are
awkward, different, weird, or embarrassing about them. And, so, when you start telling
the story, that trust is built almost instantly. And, then, last, if you go there first, you
are demonstrating that you are a leader because, honestly, this is the stuff that we bond over
with our friends, and if you're capable of doing this in first interactions or group
environments, not that you're just bleeding your heart out. But if you're capable of telling
these embarrassing stories, people are instantly going to find you a leader because you are
the one who has gone there first. So let's see what she does.
Yes, and so, I have this whole plan, like all week, I was like, "He's gonna ask me.
He's totally gonna ask me, I know."
I want to pause here real quick. The second thing to keep in mind, as she tells the story,
she tells it very well. Count the different number of emotions that she embodies. So she
did the first very embarrassed, put her head down. Now, she's in a power pose. This is
a short story but there's a ton of emotions that she, actually, acts out. That keeps us
emotionally involved. Remember this, from a story telling perspective; the entire goal
is to take someone on an emotional journey. And the easiest way to do that is to go on
that journey for them, to show them the exact emotions that you experienced. So just watch her
do that.
And I'm like, "I'm going to ask him out." I mean it's like surely 'cause I created the
romance in my head because I'm delusional, and, so, I was like, so I was like, "Okay,
you know what? I'm doing it. I'm doing it." And so I'm in there, I'm getting a costume
fitting and I had this whole plan, I was gonna ask you out, and I was like-- And I started,
thank god, I talked to the wardrobe lady about it and I was like I figured it out. I'm gonna
give him my number. And she was like, "Honey, he's engaged." I was like, "Cool, good thought."
So, again, there were so many emotions in there, and I just want to highlight a point
that I talk about all the time on the channel. Congruency is king. When you are telling a
story or anything, you want to make sure that you're one--the words, the facial expressions,
the gesticulations--are all in line with what you are trying to communicate. If you say,
"Yeah, it was really exciting." You do not build trust in people because the tone of
voice that you have and the content of what you're saying don't match. So if you can't
make those things match, it is very suspect that you will actually be honest. At least,
that is how people will perceive you. So, make sure you know the congruency thing.
The second thing is that it is so simple. This story is so basic. It's she didn't ask
a guy out who happen to be engaged, yet we laugh the whole time, and I want to highlight
it because of the emotions that she acts out. If you want to go for laughs, you can do it
in really smart ways, but I've talked about this before. The easiest way is physical comedy
and committing to your jokes.
But it was so long ago that now I feel like I can tell you.
Yeah, it is safe because it worked out. I married that lady.
Yes, you're married. Now, it's safe, you're locked away.
So, cheers to how everything worked out.
Cheers to it, yeah. Cheers to my humiliation, I guess. This feels great. That's the greatest
thing I've ever cheered.
I'm happier without you.
And so, you see, here, she continues to tease herself, and this is something that's called
self-deprecating humor. Now, before I go any further, I want to talk about this because
there a lot of misconceptions about when it is best to use self-deprecating humor and
when you shouldn't.
So, first, when you shouldn't. People think it has to do with your social standing or
status when you should use it, and, in fact, it has much more to do with your level of
self-esteem. We've all been around someone who is insecure about their weight, or something
else, and they start to talk negatively about it in a joking way. But you could tell that
they were really insecure about it, and it makes this awkward feeling of just being alienated from
them, of wanting them to stop that line of conversation. Please stop beating yourself
up. You do not want to do self-deprecating humor if you have low self-esteem because
it bleeds through. Another note, I will do a video on self-esteem. I love self-esteem
as a topic. It's incredible for improving your life, but this is not the time or place.
Keep your eyes out for a different video on that.
The second thing, the time that self-deprecating humor can be really useful, honestly, you can pepper
it sporadically throughout conversations, but it is incredibly powerful when you're
in a high status, high power position, or when you're asked to talk about your accomplishments,
and that's what I want to show you right now.
You are 23 years old. You just got nominated for your 3rd Oscars, so you went to the Oscars
for the third time.
Yes.
So this is exactly what I'm talking about. This is a difficult subject to talk about,
being nominated for three Oscars at age 23, without coming across as arrogant. So just
watch how she tells the story and see how your feelings about her evolve as she tells it.
And how was it? Did you approach it any differently for the third time?
I did. When my best friend, Lora, like sat me down when I first got, when I first got
nominated for Silver Linings a second time, and then, she was like, "I get it, like your
family has to go, but it happens again, I'm going."
So here's the point where everybody else starts talking about the dresses, and what other
famous people they saw, and she's about to tell a story of her and her friend going to
a party. Now, it does happen to be the Oscars, but she tells it from an angle that people
can relate to. That is important.
And I was like, "Okay," and I took her, and she was a terrible influence on me. She kept
like, we'd, like, left, and then, she was like, "Meet me at the bar." And, so, I like
snuck out, and I was like, "Oh, my god, I can't do this."
And, again, she's not telling the story from the perspective of being an insider. She's
telling it as she would if she were just a normal person picked off the street, who happen
to be at the Oscars. And because she presents herself that way, and because that's how she
feels, the audience, who is just normal people off the street, feels much more able to relate to her.
She was like, "You can do whatever you want." I was like, "I can?" And then, we ran into
Brad Pitt, and then, she was like, "Get Brad Pitt over here." I was like, "I can't do that."
She was like, "Yes, you can!" And then, so I just went, "Hey, Brad Pitt. Hey, Brad Pitt,"
and then, he like came over. He smelled like sandalwood. It was unbelievable.
So, she goes and tells the story. And if you're like most people, you probably has this feeling
of being able to relate to her, because she doesn't tell it from a perspective of this
being totally beneath her, she tells it from a perspective that most people have, which
is nerve wracking, exciting, star struck, upon seeing Brad Pitt, not knowing, how to
behave yourself. When you tell a story about your accomplishments, particularly, to someone
who has not been there, you want to focus on the human aspect of the journey. There's
this old adage in football, you know, "Act like you've been there before." When you're
talking about accomplishments with someone who hasn't been there before, do not do that.
You want to share with them the excitement, the nervousness, because that's the only way
that they're going to be able to relate to you, and it's something she does incredibly
well.
Yeah, and then, I was like, "Okay, I'm going out for the-- I've never gone out after Golden
Globes or Oscars or anything. I'm just so sick of people by that point, and I'm like,
"Oh god." But, this time, I was like, "I'm going out," and I puked all over. There's
this big fancy party that's like Madonna party, if you get invited, you're like, super important.
And, again, so she's mocking the hoity-toitiness of the entire event while talking about how
she puked on this guy's porch. That, again, makes her much more relatable, not that you
need to go out and screw up and throw up all over the place whenever you're doing this.
Don't invent things in your story, but if you are talking about your accomplishments,
in particular, or if you just want to, if you feel like in a situation that you might
have a little too much status, you might feel unrelatable to the people beneath you--this
could be someone that works for you, this could be, if you're in school, perhaps, someone
several grades younger. It often has to do with age, and position, and companies, and
things like that. But it can also occur in just a group, where someone is not as talkative
and outgoing as you are. If you feel that this has occurred, you might want to consider
a bit of self-deprecation, because, honestly, a bit of relatability, and a bit of vulnerability,
couldn't hurt in that moment.
So I hope you liked this video. Really, it's been a discussion of self-deprecation and
vulnerability, and how those add to people feeling like they can relate to you, because
if you ever read Robert Cialdini's "Influence" there are six factors, and one of them is
likability. If people like you, you can influence them. And the biggest thing that contributes
to likability is feeling like you are similar to them. So, when you have the same problems,
the same struggles, the same embarrassing moments that people can go, "Oh, my god, that's
exactly how I would behave." It has a very, very strong impact on how much they'd like
you, and how much you're able to influence them. In addition, this can create two, maybe,
three, of the emotions that you need to make an amazing first impression every time. And,
in fact, there are four emotions. Four emotions that if you nail, and get in the right order,
you're basically guaranteed to make an amazing first impression on anyone.
So, if you want to learn more about what those emotions are, go ahead and click the link
here. So that's going to take you to another page, where you can drop your email, and we've
set up a video after, that talks about what those emotions are, so that no matter where
you are, it really does not matter what part of the world, what sort of status the person
you're talking to. You know the kind of emotions that you need to create in them, and the order
that you need to do it in, so that you're not sunk, because, honestly, if you get it
wrong, first impressions can be tough to recover from. So I hoped you enjoyed this video. If
you guys have anyone else that you want to see, go ahead, add them in the comments. I
really use those for inspiration. And, if you want more videos like this, I'm going
to create one a week; not always like this, sometimes, just me talking to the camera,
but that is my early New Year's resolution, so go ahead and subscribe. You'll get those
all the time coming up, maybe, twice a week. I don't know. I'm excited.
But, anyway, this is Charlie. I hope that you've enjoyed this video, and I'll see you
in the next one.