-Thank you very much!
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." Thank you so much.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the election is just a week away,
but the White House is making news for all the wrong reasons.
Take a look.
-Concerns of another coronavirus outbreak at the White House,
after five of Vice President Mike Pence's associates,
including his chief of staff, test positive for COVID-19.
The Vice President campaigning in North Carolina,
a move defended by White House officials,
who called him an essential worker.
-Even Joe Biden is like, "Trust me.
Being Vice President is not essential work."
[ Laughter ]
That's right. The coronavirus is spreading
through the coronavirus task force.
[ Laughter ]
But don't worry -- the White House is now forming
a task force to figure out what went wrong with the task force.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, the only place the coronavirus
is rounding the corner is in the halls of the White House.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, it doesn't instill a lot of confidence
that the head of the coronavirus task force's office
got the coronavirus.
It's like if the Avengers got mugged.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, when Pence saw he was trending online, he was like,
"Oh, no. Do I have another fly on my head?"
[ Laughter ]
That's right, Pence will continue to campaign,
'cause not even COVID can stop people from seeing
the electricity and raw sexual magnetism
that is Mike Pence in person. [ Laughter ]
That's right, five members of Mike Pence's staff
tested positive for coronavirus.
Pence himself tested negative,
but he did go through a contact-tracing program.
We actually got the audio from the phone call with his doctor.
Listen to this.
-There you go. Well, interesting.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Interesting that we got that audio.
And this didn't help. Yesterday, White House
chief of staff Mark Meadows got a lot of attention
for what he said about controlling the virus.
Watch this.
-So here's what we have to do.
We're not going to control the pandemic.
We are going to control the fact that we get vaccines,
therapeutics, and other mitigations --
-Why aren't we gonna get control of the pandemic?
-The White House has said, "It is what it is,
and we are not going to control it."
They talk about COVID like it's a wild teen on "Dr. Phil."
[ Laughter ]
"We're out of ideas.
Hopefully this thing calms down with age."
[ Laughter ]
It's like the coronavirus won the Super Bowl,
except it already made trips to Disneyland and the White House.
[ Laughter ]
Well, the White House isn't alone.
Fox News is also dealing with their own outbreak.
Listen to this.
-"The New York Times" reports the president of Fox News
and several of the channel's top anchors,
including Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum,
they have been advised to quarantine.
They were exposed to the virus on a flight to Nashville
for last Thursday's final presidential debate.
-Dang. First, Pence's inner circle
gets COVID and now Trump's.
[ Laughter ]
I hope none of the anchors on Fox News have the virus,
'cause if you think Sean Hannity's intense now,
imagine him on steroids.
[ Laughter ]
But this was nice. Trump called to check
on everyone, then spent the next 55 minutes
ranting about windmills.
[ Laughter ]
They say if anyone's acting disoriented or lethargic,
don't worry -- that's just Lou Dobbs.
-The caravan of mostly Central American immigrants
is now in the Mexican City of "Wach-la-da" tonight.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Oh, Lou, come on.
We're almost done showing that. [ Laughter ]
Get this -- the Trump administration
did have a plan for a COVID vaccine.
Check out who they wanted to give it to.
-Santa And Mrs. Claus will not be getting an early vaccine.
The Department of Health and Human Services is dropping
a holiday ad campaign that would have offered
Santa Claus performers, along with Mrs. Claus
and elf performers, early access to a vaccine
in exchange for promoting the benefits to the public.
[ Laughter ]
-That was their plan?
[ Laughter ]
Mall Santas?
Yeah, 'cause before making any important medical decisions,
I wanna hear what a drifter with whiskey breath has to say.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, nothing says "trustworthy" quite like a man
sitting outside a Hot Topic, asking you to sit on his lap.
[ Laughter ]
Have you ever seen a mall Santa?
Coronavirus is like 10th on the list of things
they need vaccines for.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of the holidays, Halloween is almost here,
and last night, the Trumps hosted trick-or-treaters
at the White House, where they were greeted
by two kids who dressed up like them.
Look that. [ Laughter ]
Well, at least one Trump is wearing a mask.
[ Laughter, groans ]
But this was crazy. At one point,
Trump fled to his bunker when he saw a little girl
dressed as Lesley Stahl.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, this Halloween party was a little different.
Instead of candy, Trump was handing out unapproved vaccines.
[ Laughter ]
I hope everyone had a good time 'cause I don't think
Melania's next event will be quite as fun.
Yeah, exactly. [ Laughter ]
Some more political news -- this weekend, Russian president
Vladimir Putin was asked about Joe Biden's family.
Check it out.
-Russian President Vladimir Putin isn't going along
with one of President Trump's campaign attacks
on Joe Biden's son.
On state television, Mr. Putin said he doesn't see
anything criminal in Hunter Biden's past
business ties with Ukraine or Russia.
-2020 -- where Vladimir Putin is somehow the voice of reason.
[ Laughter ]
Even Putin is distancing himself from Trump.
He's like, "Donald is too much drama,
like a Real Housewife of Volgograd.
Volgograd. Real Housewife of Volgograd."
[ Laughter ]
Putin was like, "Terrible, terrible conspiracy.
I give it one out of five poison syringes."
[ Laughter ]
Here's a big story.
Today, the Senate voted to confirm Judge Amy Coney Barrett
to the Supreme Court. Take a look.
-On this vote, the yeas are 52, the nays are 48.
The nomination of Amy Coney Barrett of Indiana
to be an associate justice of the Supreme Court
of the United States is confirmed.
-Yeah, Republicans haven't moved that fast
since they saw A.O.C. in the hallway.
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears. I heard about a Walmart
in Oklahoma that had to be evacuated
after an unexpected visitor walked in.
Watch this.
-And an Edmond Walmart shuts down after a skunk
runs loose inside the store.
Experts say the skunk was stuck in the shoe department.
[ Laughter ]
-I never told anybody this, but for years,
I toured in a country band named Walmart Skunk.
[ Laughter ]
It was even more strange when a customer
ran down the aisle like,
"Hubert, get back on your leash!"
[ Laughter ]
When the skunk walked past the Axe Body Spray aisle,
it was like, "Ugh! What is that?"
[ Laughter ]
I wonder what could've attracted wild animals into a Walmart.
-KFC is bringing back it's collaboration with Walmart
to offer the fried-chicken scented fire log again.
-Mmm.
-If Trump gets re-elected, that'll be the smoke
that comes out of the White House chimney.
[ Laughter ]
I'm kidding. But that's what they light
at the Vatican when the Pope wants a 12-piece.
[ Laughter ]
The KFC log sounds fun until your dog jumps onto the fire.
-Aww! [ Laughter ]
-I'm a little -- I'm a little classier myself.
I prefer a Boston Market-scented fire log.
[ Laughter ]
So...
[ Laughter ]
And finally, here's an update
to a story we told you about last week.
On Wednesday, NASA teased a big announcement
that they would be making about the Moon.
Well, here it is.
-NASA says they have found proof of water on the Moon.
So, a pair of recent studies prove there are water molecules
in the dirt and large ice patches in the shadows.
-Actually, the big announcement
was just that NASA just added this sign.
[ Laughter ]
I'm excited. This means we're one step closer to Moon sharks.
[ Laughter ]
But this is great. Once the news broke,
Cardi B released a new song, "WAM."