what is it with guys that sit down and
just spread their legs like they own the
place all i can say is this their
mothers and fathers didn't have a
conversation with them
universally you hear about them common
pet peeves that have to do with body
language
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staring
what we call staring here in the united
states may not be considered staring in
other cultures for instance in new york
city we're allowed to stare at each
other for about 1.28 seconds
that's been measured it's been well
studied but in the middle east that may
be extended to anywhere from four to six
seconds
and so you have to realize this culture
is very much dominant in how long we can
look at each other and not just that but
where we can look at each other we say
that in a business setting you should be
looking at this little triangle between
the eyes down to the mouth and in a
social setting that you can descend all
the way down to below the chin but
certainly in a business setting
you are not permitted to go as low as
the
the breast area
pacing
some people are pacers you know waiting
for the baby to be born or they're
waiting for the next flight and they are
moving back and forth what happens is
the fluid inside our ears as we move
those little hairs that are inside are
sensitive to the movement of that fluid
and this is why we rock a baby to sleep
that rocking motion is then transferred
as adults into walking behaviors and
under stress that helps us to calm down
one of the things that happens when we
pace is that we compel the feet to touch
a surface over and over again that in
and of itself creates a form of novelty
the gastroc muscles of the legs the calf
muscle is also known as the second heart
when it squeezes it's forcing blood up
this is beneficial
for thinking because now you have both
the real heart and the secondary heart
both working together to force that
blood uh upwards so there are actually
some benefits to this and a lot of
creative people find themselves pacing
because it contributes to that process
the bad handshake
the weak one the wet one the one where
the person pulls you forward then pushes
you back the one where they feel they
need to twist your hand jiu jitsu style
so their hand is on stop because they
read this somewhere
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why do humans even shake hands
we shake hands because we're primates
all primates approach each other and
touch each other first by reaching out
and touching their fingers together i
remember years ago somebody saying oh we
shake hands because
we want to demonstrate that we don't
have a weapon folks weapons were so big
back then you could see it over the
horizon that's not the reason we're
primates our brains
evolved so that we would retain
negativity so that we don't have to
learn each morning not to touch the hot
stove so when you shake that hand and
it's wet or you feel like it's grabbing
you in some strange way this registers
in your brain for not months and weeks
it registers with you potentially for
years and that's the problem with doing
it wrong the perfect handshake
is your fingers are down you squeeze at
the same level as the other person does
you do a quick shake and that's it
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the close talker
all of us have different spatial needs
now some of it comes to us from culture
so new yorkers will stand closer to each
other than let's say someone from the
midwest but it can also be personal i
come from a culture where we like to
stand close together but personally i
like to keep people three or four feet
away so one of the ways to avoid
violating space which makes people
uncomfortable cause a psychological
discomfort is to when you first shake
hands you reach in
and you shake the hand and rather than
just remaining there
take a little step backward
and assess what the other person does
and one of the things you'll find is if
both of you take a step back
then both of you need that little bit of
extra space if the person moves towards
you then perhaps they come from a
culture or they have a preference for
standing closer in that case what you
may want to do is just angle your body a
little bit so you don't feel like
they're as close to you as they may be
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touch phobia
there's just some people that have this
habit of they've gotta touch they gotta
touch your arm they gotta touch your
shoulder as they're talking to you they
squeeze you to emphasize and so forth
and let's face it some people just don't
want to be touched for some people
touching is comforting it's how they
make sure that someone is paying
attention to them it's what they use to
emphasize and it's very convenient
obviously if you grow up in a big family
and you want to reach your brother and
say hey i'm talking to you you just have
to remember that not everybody
appreciates it
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man spreading
basically you're entitled to the little
area around you your hips
plus about one to two inches on each
side and that's really by social
convention what you're entitled to
humans by their very nature when they
feel strong they feel confident they
will tend to spread out we're probably
not even thinking that we're doing these
behaviors but we do them the problem of
course is when it infringes on other
people
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verbal tics
the clearing of the voice just like i
did often times you hear this with
people who are about to say something
that they're going to have difficulty
with
would you like to sit down i have
something to discuss with you it's never
good for instance for years watching
robert gates who became secretary of
defense who also became the head of the
cia and sometimes he would be asked a
question that obviously he could not
answer like when are we going to invade
and i always found it interesting that
he always cleared his throat before he
answered those questions
but basically i think
this is what we call paralanguage the
hum
the coughs the um
you know
excuse me
vocal tics just like a muscular tick is
the body's way of creating psychological
comfort in some way and i think it's
just a matter of checking ourselves
and saying is this a distraction one of
the easiest things that you can do is
just videotape yourself while you're
doing five minutes ten minutes of a
speech and have somebody look at it and
correct you and say you know you you
keep looking down or you keep clearing
your throat we all have these things
it's not about perfection it's about
improving whatever we have and if it's
these little things these are easy to
work on
i rolling
to roll your eyes is to show both
contempt and disdain disdain is
tolerable but contempt isn't because
contempt is always hierarchical you're
putting somebody ahead and somebody down
and that's just not acceptable
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foot tapping finger tap pencil tapping
anything like finger tapping pencil
tapping or leg bouncing it really helps
us to pass the time it helps us to
deal with any situation in the moment
where maybe things have slowed down
we're waiting and so we use these
repetitive behaviors to self-soothe why
are repetitive behaviors so soothing our
brain always needs to be pacified even
as embryos we suck our thumbs repetitive
behaviors
by compressing and releasing the muscle
or articulating the joint
causes signals to go to the brain that
serve to calm us and to soothe us
why do we have pet peeves and why is it
that some things that i like other
people don't like our species is very
complex the human brain is the most
complex thing in all of the cosmos and
we have preferences and if you don't
believe in me just walk down the aisle
and see how many kinds of toothpaste
there are we
are very specific as to the most minute
of things that we prefer when we see
something that is outside that envelope
of preference then it becomes an
irritant which is both social cultural
and personal
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