(heavy bass music) (car door slams)
- Sorry that took so long.
Five stars?
- For real?
You did coke off the steering wheel.
- I was just trying to get you here on time, dude.
- You're a prick, Rick, I'm reporting you.
- Man, what an asshole, everyone loves coke.
- Right?
It's like, chill out man, I just moved to this city,
you know?
Besides, cocaine is gonna be legal soon anyway.
- This ride is lit, homey.
- Really?
I would say lit would apply to almost any car
besides a Prius.
Even a Camry is--
- Shut the fuck up, you handsome faggot.
Get out.
- Chill out, man, chill out.
- Welcome to LA, you big-nosed scarecrow.
(car tires squeal)
♪ Stereo 54
♪ Bright lights
♪ Big city
♪ Stereo 54
♪ Bright lights
♪ Big city
- I'm not getting a fucking gun, no.
- Well, you don't have to, but I am.
- Nope.
- We're not in Kansas anymore, dog, wake up.
- Well first of all, we're from Iowa.
Second, I'm very woke.
And third, your own gun can be used against you
in your own home, and that's scary.
- Well, you know what scares me?
Getting jacked again.
It's time for the hunted to become the hunter.
- Look, just be glad you're okay,
you could've been fucking killed.
Besides, it was my car that got stolen,
I'm the one who's pissed.
- Exactly.
Join me and we can defend this city together.
- The city?
Okay, Batman.
It was an isolated incident, let's just move on.
- Move on?
Move on.
That Prius was my livelihood, now I'm unemployed again.
- Did you set all this up just so you can get out
of paying rent?
- You're playing it way too safe, my guy.
I'm going rouge.
Shit's rouge.
- Shit's rouge?
Are you on acid?
- Not yet.
(low-key music)
- Now, finally.
This one comes with a badass silencer and a scope,
and it shoots really really fast, like fuckin' fast.
(imitates gun sounds)
- Sick.
- Here, hold it.
Oh fuck, Rick!
I don't even know if that thing's loaded or not, bro.
- It's all good, it didn't go off, just chill.
Hey, do you have anything that The Terminator had?
- [Slim] Maybe.
- Oh, hey Gary.
Slim, Gary, Gary, Slim.
- A fucking Uzi?
You wanna get an Uzi, Rick?
- These are just for your protection.
You never know who's gonna come creepin'
while you're sleepin'.
You can't count on the cops.
- Thank you, that's what I keep trying to tell him.
- Creeping while we're sleeping?
Did that guy just say that?
Are we planning on like, a thousand people
breaking into our apartment and stealing what, our cereal?
And then we just Uzi everybody like fuckin' Stallone?
- What about the zombie apocalypse?
- He's right, you can't say that won't happen.
- Yes, I can for sure say that that will never happen.
- How much for the Uzi?
- Two grand.
- Ouch.
- Why are you asking that, Rick?
We're not getting anything.
- What's the cheapest gun you got?
- A fucking squirt gun!
What the fuck?
- Hey man, lower your voice, or I'm gonna Uzi
your whole fucking crib right now.
- Calm down, guys, relax.
- You hear me?
- You know what, it is my crib.
Why don't you get the fuck outta my crib, Slim.
- It's cool, Slim.
He hasn't seen the shit we have.
- I've seen everything you have, Rick.
I grew up with you.
- No, you're cool, Rick, but this guy hates America.
Guy is such a dick.
- I'll walk you out.
- Oh really, Slim?
I'm a dick?
Really?
Go get a real job.
(electronic music)
(video game beeping)
- Yo yo.
What level are you on?
- I'm on the dust bowl map but my team is getting murked.
- Sweet.
I'm just grabbin' a drink.
- Cool.
Hey dude, are you alright, man?
You've been in your room ever since Slim left.
You pissed at me?
- No, I'm just in there reading.
(dramatic music)
He said all sales are final.
- No, Slim's giving us a full refund
or I'm calling the police.
- Don't be a little bitch.
You remember what De Niro said in Goodfellas?
"Never rat out your friends
"and always keep your mouth shut."
- Yeah, and Forrest Gump said, "Life's like a box
"of fucking chocolates."
I don't live my life by movie quotes, Rick.
- He never said "fucking."
(electronic music)
(police sirens wailing)
(people arguing)
- Hey man, can I have some change, sir?
- I'm sorry man, I got nothing on me.
Many blessings, many blessings.
- In that case, I'll take cash.
- Whoa, man.
Look, I'm a struggling actor, I just moved to town,
I have no money, my car just got stolen.
- You're not a fucking actor.
I used to live with Steven Seagal.
Give me the fucking cash!
- Hey!
Look man, look.
Back off, okay?
Back off.
- Did you learn to use that on set?
- Just back away, dude, I do my own stunts.
- I do my own stunts too, man.
- Oh yeah?
(gun shoots)
Yeah?
- [Man] Crazy!
(Slim laughing)
- Yeah, I am a fucking actor!
(gun shoots)
(phone vibrates) (police sirens)
- Yes!
Oh, what's up, Rick?
I think your roommate Gary's a proud American now, bro.
Thanks to my boy Fitzy.
(Slim laughs)
(Gary pants)
(Gary yells)
(electronic music)