(sighs)
- I don't really want to make this video.
But I feel like I have to make this video.
(light music)
I am asked daily when I'm going to have a third child
and if I'm going to have a third child.
It's a question I have received constantly
ever since I started making videos.
I've always been on the fence.
I've gone back and forth a lot.
I just have not ever felt quite ready for that.
When I had Wyatt, I wasn't ready
for him to be my last child.
I always knew that, but it was a matter of,
of just wanting to be in a really, really good place
if I were to have another one.
So late last year, Matt and I kinda realized,
thought we were in this ideal time of having a third.
We were financially stable, the kids were at a great age.
Everything was kind of falling into place,
so we decided to do it.
And boy did that happen quickly.
Oh my gosh (laughs).
That is such a huge positive, oh my goodness, you guys.
That's a baby.
Because I'm a little neurotic,
I was taking a pregnancy test every single day
and so I found out so early,
probably up to two weeks before the average person
would find out that they were pregnant.
Matt and I didn't celebrate it or anything,
we have two other kids, we're still very busy people.
We probably ordered Chinese food that night
and that was the celebration.
But we were both very excited.
I am here at my first doctor's appointment.
Matt couldn't come 'cause he has a meeting,
but we've done this before, so I said that's okay.
I'm excited.
So the earliest that they'll usually
bring you into the doctor to confirm your pregnancy
is at six weeks, so, when I found out,
I immediately called an OBGYN
and I scheduled a six-week appointment.
So, yeah, they weighed me, they took my blood pressure,
my temperature, they asked a bunch of
family health history questions,
they asked me about my lifestyle.
She asked how many glasses of wine I used to drink a week
and I was like, ooh, two (laughs).
But since finding out, I have not had any, of course.
And then they had me pee in a cup
to confirm the pregnancy, but then it was kind of weird,
'cause they had me pee in the cup
and then she gave me an ultrasound anyway
and we weren't expecting an ultrasound,
'cause I didn't think they did it at six weeks,
so I'm kinda bummed that Matt didn't get to be there,
even though it was literally a blob.
But I got to see the little heart beating
and it's beating, it's there.
It made it so real to me, seeing its heart beating,
just made me feel like everything was okay
and everything was good.
I'm really excited I got to see my little baby today.
Makes it all worth it.
All right.
Signing off.
So, typically, people wait until the second trimester
to tell anybody that they're pregnant,
just to make sure that everything's okay,
but for me, I was 29, I'd had two
perfectly normal pregnancies, two healthy kids,
so I decided to tell a few close people.
Okay, so, Alex is coming over,
for those of you who don't know,
she is one of my best friends.
And I'm not quite ready to tell everybody,
but I'm going to tell her because she's gonna be so excited.
Okay, here.
- Oh my god!
- What?
- What are you doing?
- I didn't do anything.
- Are you pregnant?
(screams) Oh my gosh!
- I decided to tell Alex first and foremost
because she comes to my house almost every weekend
and we always have a glass of wine
and she would know within five minutes
if I'm not drinking wine that there's a reason.
So, because this was my last my pregnancy
to do everything right, I started planning.
There were a few things that I decided
I absolutely needed to do,
one of which was a maternity photoshoot.
So I ordered a dress, which in hindsight, is so stupid,
to start doing it that early.
As well as daily photos of my bump
because I never got any photos of my bump
and, at that time, in my mind,
there was not an inkling of a thought
that anything would go wrong.
- [Matt] How are you doing over here in the corner?
- I don't feel good.
So one evening, out of nowhere,
I just got these bizarre, flu-like symptoms.
Oh, man, it's like that crippling nausea,
you know, when you can't think about anything.
Morning sickness isn't actually morning sickness,
it can happen at any time,
so I took that as a good sign of things are happening,
things are progressing, you know?
So, at this point, if you don't want to hear
any of the more medical details of what happened,
skip ahead to this time in the video.
So, the next morning, I woke up
and when I stood up from bed, there was this little pop.
It was like in at the base of my uterus almost,
like a little just blip.
With that came a little bit of pink-colored fluid.
I think that's fairly normal.
You usually don't get concerned
until there's bright red blood.
But it was weird.
You know, I didn't really think anything of it
and I went to work.
And throughout the day at work, I just
started feeling worse and worse.
I started to bleed a little bit at work.
And then it got a little worse.
(sniffling)
So, I have been spotting,
I started spotting yesterday, but it was like not that bad.
Today, as the day went on,
I noticed it just slowly started
being more and it was getting more red in color.
And so now I'm home and I'm waiting for,
for Matt to come home and my mom and
I'm gonna go to the emergency room 'cause
my doctor told me to and it's,
I'm like pouring blood now
and there's no way I can fathom that I'm still pregnant.
There's no way.
I feel wrong documenting this.
I really don't want to talk to anybody.
I wish someone had talked to me about this.
So, Matt stayed with the kids
and I went with my mom to the ER
and I got there and it was very crowded and
I waited in the waiting room for hours.
By that point, I had started bleeding very heavily.
I just remember feeling so embarrassed and
nervous that I was going to get blood all over my pants.
So they finally called me back and
turns out they didn't have a room for me,
they had parked a bed next to the elevator in the hallway.
I waited in that bed by the elevator.
A physician's assistant, she asked me some questions
and I was just like, get me out of here.
I don't want to be here.
I honestly didn't ask any questions
through this entire process because I was totally in shock.
So they finally wheeled me to get an ultrasound.
They did that and they wheeled me back up
and, finally, a physician's assistant
came and sat next to me.
Starts reading out loud that I am no longer pregnant
and I knew, I was just trying not to cry
and I didn't want her to keep talking to me.
She kept talking about stuff, showing me pictures,
and I was just like I don't care.
I wanted to say it, I didn't say that,
but in my mind, I was like, just nod so she leaves.
Just say okay, okay, okay.
So I could get out of there.
When I got home, it was so late,
'cause I had been there for hours and hours,
so I was exhausted.
So after four hours,
I found out that I'm not pregnant any anymore.
And that's...
I don't know why I keep crying.
(sniffling)
I saw it, I saw its heartbeat
and I wanted to know what happened.
I just, I want to know what I did wrong.
I don't remember saying that.
I'm a very logical person and I need answers.
I kept thinking maybe if I had just taken it easy
after I felt sick that night,
maybe if I hadn't gone into work,
maybe I took on too much or I was too stressed or I...
I needed to find a reason why
and the difficult part to grasp
is that there's no reason why.
To this day I still can't shake,
and I know its fully irrational,
but I still can't shake the feeling of,
well, I'm not supposed to have a third kid,
and this was my sign.
So I hope that goes away at some point.
- Yeah.
- No.
Not yet.
So it's now the second day
since the ER, day two since the ER.
Woke up in the night last night with
horrible cramps at two in the morning
and a migraine and I couldn't fall back asleep
'til like five.
So, the recovery process took about two weeks.
I was bleeding, I was tired.
It takes a toll, physically, and it's very intense.
It was a blur 'cause I went back to work.
You know, it's not this thing
that you can call out sick for for two weeks
'cause it's not something anyone talks about.
I just pushed it to the back of my mind
and continued on with my life.
Also, I have two kids, life doesn't stop.
I mean, just because I went through that
doesn't mean that life stops for me
and I don't have my existing responsibilities,
which I think helped.
I have not cried today and that is an accomplishment
because if you know me, you know I cry about everything.
I was very sad and I felt very stupid.
I felt very stupid for
just assuming that everything was okay
and everything was gonna be okay
and I could make all these plans
and tell people and buy stuff.
And I felt confused about why I didn't see it coming
and why I didn't know what to look for.
The thing that has bothered me the most
is that there's no conversation around this.
It's not until it happens to you
and you find certain support groups and people and stuff
that that conversation even comes up.
I would've given anything to have just a little insight,
a little inkling into what to look out for.
So I would highly encourage you
whether you're pregnant or not
or thinking about it or not,
or maybe your partner is pregnant,
whatever it may be, please do some research.
You can go to this website
or you can check any of the links in the description.
As of right now, I can't even fathom thinking about,
you know, trying again or having another
or trying for another but
at least I'm kind of at peace with it.
With most stories of miscarriage
or when people choose to share their experience,
it has a happy ending.
Well, my happy ending, I guess,
is that I already have two amazing kids
and for now, I'm super happy with that
and I'm not saying that I'm ruling
anything out in the future,
but I'm just saying for right now,
I'm not putting any pressure on myself
and I'm lucky to be able to make that choice
because I know that a lot of people don't get that luxury.
So since that has happened, I am still asked daily
if I'm going to have another child
or if I want another child.
And I know that no one understands what happened
or knows what happened but
this whole experience has opened my eyes to
an entire world that I didn't think about.
So, for anyone out there who has gone through something
similar or is going through something similar,
I just want you to know that you're not alone
and it can happen to anyone.
Happened to me.
(light music)