TRUMP IMPERSONATOR:
President the Donald.
The last four years have been tremendous.
Some of the best years ever.
Our health, our trade, the borders.
I've done a great job. Everyone says so.
So, this election day,
vote for me-- or else.
In my fantastic second term...
(grunts) All right. Stay there, stay there.
It's on. Oh, it's on, it's on, it's on.
Yes!
Oh, yes, it's on. It's on.
Oh... Okay, okay, uh,
uh, where's the other one? Oh...
(grunting)
Hello? No, no.
There.
There we go.
Oh, yeah. Look at that.
My good side.
Oh, we're back.
Oh. Oh, yes, it works.
Hey, it's me, Trevor Noah.
I've come out of hiding to broadcast one more episode
of
I'm risking my life and yours by broadcasting the show.
But with the election just days away,
it's a risk worth taking, people.
You know, it's like getting a chance with Beyoncé
when you don't have any condoms.
You got to do it. So what if she has something?
She probably does and p... You got to do it.
People, we cannot let Donald Trump become president again.
In fact, I don't even understand
how we let that happen the first time.
Things were looking good for Hillary,
I mean, other than the-the Clinton foundation stuff
and, you know, secret speeches and her husband's past.
But other than that, things were going well.
Then the e-mails, man.
The (bleep) e-mails.
The (bleep) e-mails just. Oh, man.
The e-mails a week-a week before the election.
Why is this thing not going? There. There we are.
A week before the election,
we got sidetracked by those e-mails.
And then it turned out there was nothing new.
It was just 650,000 of Anthony Weiner's dick pics.
Yeah, it's no wonder that President Trump
changed the Washington Monument
into the Weiner Monument.
Huh? Look at that-- one dick got another dick elected.
And it's only gotten worse.
And from what I can tell, the only news out there now...
is TNN.
Coming up after the break,
we'll be back with more completely true news.
ANNOUNCER: This is TNN.
♪ ♪
What the (bleep) is this?
The Trumpaganda Force used the new libel laws
to shut down legit news sources. It was so sad.
Seeing CNN pack up...
all their stuff.
Yeah, turns out the Malaysian plane
was in their supply closet all along.
(giggles) Aah!
But at least most people in the media
got to stay in the country.
I will never forget the day they took John Oliver away.
...which is all fine, until you realize
that egg safety standards actually vary so widely
from state to state that there is a...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, guys, guys, guys, g...
Please, just give me the decency...
Let me-let me finish the bit.
Let-Let me complete the egg bit, guys.
Now? It has to be now?
No, the... no, the point is unless Congress takes action,
your brunch could not only become
even more of a teeming sea of bacteria, but...
No, no, no! Not the graphic. Not the graphic!
I'm gonna miss you, grown-up Harry Potter face.
You know, they would have taken me away as well.
The only reason I escaped is because
I had the perfect disguise-- I snuck into Steve Harvey's house,
stole his mustache from his face. The police
couldn't tell the difference between us.
And, again, I'm so sorry, Mrs. Harvey.
But I'll never be sorry for those nights we shared.
Survey says...
true love.
(phone vibrates)
What?
Oh, man. Oh.
Roy?
Roy, is that you?
Hey, Africa, I got your black signal.
What's going on?
Oh, my God. Roy! It's so good to see you, man.
It's-It's been years.
Look, everyone, it's R... it's Roy Wood Jr.
What are you doing?
I'm-I'm making the show.
Making the show?
Yeah, I-I snuck back into the studio.
Are you getting paid for this?
What?
Are you cutting me out?
-No, no, Roy. -Don't cut me out.
No, Roy, listen, where are you?
I'm in the inner city.
Yeah, which-which inner city, Roy?
It doesn't matter. Black people live here, so,
according to Trump, it's the inner city.
Oh, man, that's... that's pretty messed up.
How bad is it for you out there?
Actually, it's not that bad.
There's no crime, nobody getting shot.
Hell, they got rid of the police, now.
-Wait, seriously? -Yeah, they got rid of 'em.
They made black people wear automated stop-and-frisk arms.
Hell, you don't even have to stop anymore.
It's just arms pop out every 90 seconds and pat you down.
-It's more convenient for everybody. -(whirring)
Oh, there it goes.
Let it do its thing, man.
ROBOTIC VOICE: What do we have here?
Oh, come on. That's the 20th time today
you tried to bust me for my antacids, man. Get out.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Stop resisting, bitch.
(sighs) It's not an efficient system.
-I got to go, man. -ROBOTIC VOICE: Shots fired.
-Shots fired. -I got to call my lawyer.
No, Roy, Roy, Roy!
Stay safe, Roy.
We can't live like this, people.
You understand that this may be the last election
where we can change things. I mean,
all the people we thought would run against Trump,
look at what's happened to them.
Just a week until Election Day 2020
and still no one has come forward
to run against the great President Trump.
Hillary Clinton, of course, is serving out her sentence
in Super Guantanamo,
along with former vice president Mike Pence.
Meanwhile, Ted Cruz continues to teach
inner city kindergarteners, saying,
"Politics just got too dirty for me."
Joe Biden snuck aboard the Elon Musk rocket ship
that took the Obamas to Mars.
Yeah.
President Obama escaped with his family to Mars.
Right now, Michelle is teaching little fat aliens
to get in shape.
Bill Clinton didn't go with them,
'cause he decided to go to Venus,
because that's where women come from.
Because that's-that's a joke-- Men are from M...
Man, I miss having an audience.
But, look, even if... even if the candidate you like
isn't in this election, it doesn't mean you shouldn't vote.
Hell, vote for anyone.
You-you can even vote for...
you can even vote for the Woman of the Woods,
Elizabeth Warren.
Yeah, I know her policies might raise taxes,
but at least she has a plan.
We can't survive four more years of Trump, people.
This is the same guy who repealed Obamacare on day one.
And then he said he would replace it
with something much better. Remember that? Yeah.
And then it turned out to be... turned out to be this.
Huh? An energy drink. This is...
this is what he replaced it with, huh?
Something much better. Literally, that's what it was.
The guy is a complete moron. Change the thing.
He dropped a bomb on Iceland! He dropped a bomb on Iceland
because he insisted that ISIS comes from Iceland.
Huh? In a few short years,
Trump has turned against Europe, alienated Asia.
He told Africa to go back to Africa.
He sued South America for copyright infringement.
And he's banned from Antarctica after sexually assaulting
a penguin. I didn't even know
that you could grab a penguin's pussy.
How do you grab a penguin's pussy?!
Not only did Trump get kicked out of the U.N.,
America is in such decline right now,
even white people aren't having a good time.
Here, look at this BBC report
that got smuggled into the country.
♪ ♪
NARRATOR:
construction is still underway on the wall.
Although Trump promised a grand structure,
so far it stands at just four feet tall.
Still, workers on the scene remain optimistic.
Things are going great.
Uh, the wall's coming along. Mexico's paying for it.
Well, President Trump sent them an invoice. So, same thing.
And there's finally someone in the White House
who understands the concerns of white men like me.
Despite Trump's promise of a great America,
not everything has turned out as hoped,
as even his staunchest supporters are aware.
I guess if I had to nitpick anything,
it would be the total economic collapse.
I didn't realize that white men would be subject
to that sort of thing. And someone could've mentioned
that deporting the immigrants meant we'd have
to build the wall ourselves. (chuckles)
Now, with the 2020 presidential election quickly approaching,
the discontent has reached a fever pitch.
Oh, yeah, things definitely need to change.
That's why I'm voting for Trump.
He's not a politician. He tells it like it is.
He'll make America great again.
Again.
♪ ♪
Poor Jordan, man.
I hope he's doing well.
-(stomach grumbling) -Ah, damn.
I'm so hungry all the time. (hisses)
Good thing I have some of this money.
Mmm.
You know, the dollar might be worthless,
but it tastes so good. Mmm.
Tastes like a strip club. (chuckles)
-I sometimes w... -Hey, Trevor!
Ronny? Ronny, is that you?
Hey, what's up, Trev?
Thank God. You got the signal.
-Where are you, man? -Oh, yeah,
I've-I've been in China.
As soon as Trump won, I got on a plane and got out of here.
I'm not dumb.
What, you stayed in America this whole time?
Yeah, I did.
(laughing) You idiot.
Oh, man, things are great in China.
We're all super rich thanks to Trump's dumb-ass trade policies.
You know, that trade deal? The-the...?
Yeah, the Much Better Than NAFTA So Much Winning Act of 2017.
-That one? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, that one, yeah.
That was great for China.
So what are you doing back in the U.S. then, Ronny?
Oh, yeah, I'm here
at Trump's White House Hotel and Casino representing China.
America went double bankrupt,
so I'm here again for America's annual yard sale.
There's some great bargains this year.
Lincoln Memorial, uh, the Smithsonian, Tom Hanks.
I even checked out The Liberty Bell.
But there's a huge crack on it.
I'm not buying some broken-ass bell.
NOAH: Well, I think that's how it's supposed to be.
Here's the thing I don't understand.
Ronny, there's billions of Chinese people.
Why did they send you?
Because I speak English with a perfect American accent.
I-I don't think you have a perfect accent. That's...
That's what I told them.
And by the way, you-you look like (bleep).
You should really go get a job.
All right, got to go.
Ronny, I just wanted to ask you one more...
People, we can't let Trump win again.
I know people weren't happy with the establishment--
don't get me wrong-- but this? This?!
I mean, have you... have you heard the new National Anthem?
♪ And his hands are so big ♪
♪ And his shoulders so wide ♪
♪ And there's no problem downstairs ♪
♪ Oh, that I can tell you... ♪
That (bleep) goes on for 20 minutes!
Look, we've seen what four years
of Donald Trump can do to a country, people,
all because some were disillusioned and gave up hope.
But if you won't listen to me,
at least listen to my good friend Steve Harvey.
(imitating Harvey): Because, no matter what you think,
your vote matters!
And we all know what's at risk, people!
(thunderclaps)
Oh, these damn indoor hurricanes.
Look, people,
we really should have taken climate change seriously.
We should have taken everything seriously.
And here's... here's another thing I want to say.
With the election coming up, you...
What does that light mean? What's...?
Go to commercial?
This is a pirate broadcast.
-How do we still have ads? -(static)