- I could have had a boyfriend named Chad or Connor
or Cooper or Skylar, some nice football player
who finger-blasted me behind the racquetball courts.
[laughter]
No, dude. I was different.
[tense techno music]
♪
[creatures snarling]
[hatch whirs]
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[distorted electronic warbling]
♪
[cheers and applause]
- Welcome to "This Is Not Happening."
I'm the host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight the topic is "Melee."
[cheers and applause]
Hells, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen,
a very, very good friend of mine--
you guys will absolutely love her.
She's the host of "Your Mom's House" podcast.
Please give it up.
Christina Pazsitzky, everybody!
[cheers and applause]
- Oh, hi, guys. Hi. Hi.
Thank you, yes. So, um...
I went to junior high school--
I grew up in the San Fernando Valley,
which is a suburb of here.
- Whoo! - And--thank you.
In the late '80s, early '90s,
and it was a fucking crazy time,
'cause that's when, uh, N.W.A. came out
with "Straight Outta Compton," yeah?
And it--that album really, like, blew the city apart.
Like, they wouldn't let you
wear red or blue to junior high school
because of all the seventh grade gangbanging
that went on, right?
And people are like, "Christina,
have you seen the movie 'Straight Outta Compton'?"
I'm like, "Motherfuckers, I lived that.
Okay? I ain't gonna go see that. No."
And also, around that same time, uh,
was Rodney King.
Poor Rodney King gets beaten up by the LAPD in 1991.
In '92, the four piece-of-shit cops that beat him
get acquitted, and-- you're, like, 12 years old.
Do you even know what I'm talking about?
[laughter]
He got beaten by cops,
and they put the cops on trial, and they all got acquitted.
And there was this thing called the LA riots.
[whispering] The LA riots.
And it was so scary.
You had to, like, you know, lock your doors, and--
well, not me; I lived in the suburbs.
But other people did.
The point is, all that shit happens.
LA is like a hotbed of racial tension and awfulness.
And it's this exact moment
that the LA Unified School District
decides to embark on a massive integration program.
[laughter]
I live out in the suburbs
in a super, super white, like, pretty nice school.
And they decided to bus in, like,
violent gangbangers from downtown.
From where? I don't know.
From fuckin' the awfullest neighborhoods
in the world.
They bused in, like, black and Mexican--
and not--not to--
Donald Trump had it some right.
Some of them were nice.
Some-- [snorts]
Some, I assume, were nice people.
Not these demon seeds that were in my school.
And don't get me wrong. I'm all for integration.
I'm not, like, a--a bigot.
I just-- I would have preferred
to have read about it later...
[laughter]
In a book,
not, like, live through it.
'Cause it was really terrible. It was terrible.
And the worst part is, in seventh grade,
I was hard-core goth.
[laughter]
You guys know what goth kids are, yeah?
So goth is like...
Goth is like all the fun of being dead...
[laughter]
Except nobody gives a shit.
Nobody cries for you.
So, like, a goth kid going to LA public school
was a lot like a man
wearing a summer dress and sandals to prison.
Oh, shit got real real quick
for this white girl.
Dude, I had one friend in public school--
a Mexican girl,
a chola named Chula.
[laughter]
No shit. We met in remedial reading.
And we got along because cholas and goth girls
have the same makeup.
[laughter]
[snorts] And we used to--
she taught me how to smoke cigarettes, you know?
Like, in the bathroom, we smoked cigarettes.
And she'd talk about oldies.
For some reason, cholos love oldies.
"You like that song 'Angel Baby'?"
I'm like, "Fuck no. Is that The Cure?
I have no idea what you're talking about."
But anyways, yeah, her name was Chula,
and she was always like, "You know what, Christina?
Our friendship is like a blessing in the skies."
[laughter]
I'm like, "That's right, girl.
Way up there."
So here it is, seventh grade.
I'm super, super goth.
I'm in this school that's newly integrated,
and it's a nightmare.
And here's the thing-- like, I'm a female comic.
You got to be really, really fucked up in your head
to be a female comic, right?
It's masochistic. It's horrible.
Everyone hates us.
I love it.
[laughter]
I love it 'cause I'm whacked in my head.
I could have been a normal white girl.
I could have had a boyfriend named Chad or Connor
or Cooper or Skylar, some nice football player
who finger-blasted me behind the racquetball courts.
[laughter]
No, dude. I was different.
And I think what changed me--
you know, you have, like, one thing in your life
that happens to you, and...
[clicks tongue] Ah-ah!
It just kind of...
[laughter]
I got into a fight.
And I got into a fight with a black girl.
[imitates record scratching] Right.
Look how weird you fuckers got.
Yeah.
I'm not saying that all black girls
are amazing boxers, because that...
[laughter]
That would be a stereotype, you guys.
A stereotype that is completely fucking true.
[laughs and snorts]
That's what's up.
MMA does not have shit on a black girl.
They will fuck you up.
Even little black-- 12-year-old black girls,
I see them doing double Dutch in the street;
I get the fuck across the street.
No way, dude. No way.
Now, the girl that messed with me,
her name was Rosina Johnson.
What?
Yes, that's that bitch's real name.
Let her come find me now.
So what happened is, Rosina and I...
Do you buy that?
That I'm super-street? I am.
So Rosina and I had PE together.
That's physical education,
something children don't have anymore today, right?
And, uh, we would change in the locker rooms, right?
And this girl would fuck with me.
Like, she would mess with me,
but she did it by, like, singing songs at me.
Like, first, it started with her
just calling me "Beetlejuice."
She'd be like--
Remember, like, that stupid movie?
"Hey, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!
"Oh, shit, I see Beetlejuice is coming up over here.
"Beetlejuice!
Oh, damn, she look like she Beetle--"
I'm like, "Yeah, I know. I got it."
But then one day, after PE,
they fucking--they used to sell pickles for some reason.
Like, you went to public school in LA,
after PE, they would sell you the unhealthiest crap.
It was, like, rock candy, Now & Laters, and then pickles.
I remember this bitch-- this bitch stole my pickle too.
One day, she just took my pickle.
But what broke the goth girl's back...
[snorts] Was...
she was singing at me one day,
and I can't--I can't sing what she sang
for legal reasons, but--I don't know.
What's a popular R&B-- it's, like--
[vocalizing and scatting]
♪ Kiss my pussy And...
♪ Why don't I fart in your face? ♪
♪ Fart in your face, girl
♪ You know you love sandwiches in my ass ♪
I don't know. So...
That was the song she sang at me.
♪ Kiss my pussy, kiss my pussy ♪
♪ Kiss my pu-- And she would repeat it.
And I couldn't take it anymore. You know what I'm saying?
I couldn't take it anymore.
You can poke the little doggie so much,
and the dog's gonna bite back.
And I turn, and I stop in the middle of her singing,
and I say to her,
I go, "Why don't you...
shut the fuck up?"
[laughter]
Oh, you guys think that was a good idea?
Oh, hey, should I try heroin?
[laughter]
Yeah, I hear nothing bad happens.
[laughter]
Dude, this girl was a powerful fighter.
I'm gonna break it down for you.
So first of all, very physically intimidating.
She had, like, upper body-- like Michelle Obama arms.
I don't know if you've ever seen her
in those strapless dresses.
And she would come at me, dude.
She came at me with-- with windmills.
Just bam! Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Yeah, see, you were laughing 'cause you know that move.
Go to worldstarhiphop.com. You know it's real.
Wham!
Not only that, this girl was a psychological warrior.
She got inside of my head.
And she did this by repeating things.
She would just get in my face and just,
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
"Oh, no! Oh, no!
"Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!"
"Un-uh, you don't know me! You don't know me!
"You don't know me! You don't know me!
"You don't know me. You don't know me.
You don't know me. You don't--"
Like, "Yes, bitch. I don't know you.
Just stop hitting me."
Oh, my God.
Having flashbacks.
And just a word of advice,
during a fight,
if someone asks you questions,
do not answer the questions...
they ask.
Those are rhetorical. Those are not for you.
She was like, "Oh, you think you cute?"
I'm like, "I don't--I don't-- I guess I'm okay.
I'm not, like, a model. [chuckles]"
"Well, somebody's about to get fucked up."
"Is that somebody me?"
Ugh, so stupid.
It was the dumbest decision of my life.
It was, because the biggest comeback
I had in seventh grade-- this is my biggest comeback.
"So?" That's all I had.
[laughter]
Dude, Rosina Johnson would come at me with, like,
haikus, fables, stories, rhymes.
This girl would have me choked out up against a locker.
Like, she choked me out at one point in this fight--
choked me out, and in the middle of that,
stopped to bust a rhyme.
This is the exact rhyme this girl spit
from seventh grade
from this ass-beating I got from her.
I gonna sing it for you now.
Here we go. It was...
[chuckles and snorts] It was, um...
♪ Talk to the hand, it's yo' breath I can't stand ♪
♪ I don't mean to be mean, but you need LISTERINE ♪
♪ Not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle ♪
[laughter and applause]
Right. Wow.
[chuckles]
You know how hard it is to get punched in the stomach
and laugh at the same time? Like...
[chuckles] "You're a genius.
Oh, you're so funny."
It was--it was hard.
And here's the thing,
I stood up for myself.
I pushed back on Rosina Johnson.
I pushed back.
Yes, I got my ass kicked, but...
at the end of the year after all of that,
we were okay.
A weird thing happened. Like, we were cool.
I'm not saying this bitch was in my wedding,
but I'm saying, like...
[laughter]
Oh, it's not like that, but...
we were okay.
And at the end of the year-- true story--
at the end of the year,
she even signed my yearbook.
Yeah, she wrote, "Dear Christina,
"you're a nice girl.
"Stay sweet.
Love, Rosina Johnson."
[applause] Yeah.
That's right.
That's right, so the moral of the story is,
sometimes violence is the answer.
[laughter]
Thank you guys for listening to my story.
[tense techno music]
♪