This is Stuff You Like, you can call me Ursa, and Han and Leia were my OTP before I knew
what OTPs were. Which is to say that technically we're talking about the Empire Strikes Back,
but mostly we're talking about Han and Leia, how to write a love story, and indeed how
not to write a love story.
Remember when I said we were going to come back to some stuff in Attack of the Clones?
Yeah.
So, to kick us off, the plot of the Empire Strikes Back goeth thusly:
Blowing up the Death Star in A New Hope was great and all but since then things have gone
downhill for the Rebels, who are currently hiding on Hoth.
Which is like Siberian winter, but everywhere all year round. Plus no Christmas. So maybe
like Narnia?
While delirious on Hoth after getting attacked by the Abominable Snowman, Luke sees a vision
of Obi-Wan, who tells him to go to Dagobah to be trained as a Jedi by Yoda.
And then the rebel base gets invaded, Han and Leia end up on a slow Falcon to Bespin,
and Luke has a training montage with a small green muppet.
Darth Vader is also on Bespin, plans to freeze Luke in carbonite, does it to Han as a test
case, fights Luke and manages to cut his hand off (Skywalkers, amirite?) and drops the bombshell
that everyone knows even if they don’t know anything about Star Wars:
I AM YOUR FATHER.
Anyhoodle, narm, falling, then Luke calls to Leia in the Force and she swings by to
pick him up.
The movie ends with Luke, Leia, Chewie and Lando planning to go rescue Han from Jabba
the Hutt, using what will turn out to be a seriously complicated but ultimately efficacious
plan.
I really love the Empire Strikes Back and I want to hug it. But if I went on about all
the things I liked about it we’d be here all day. So let's talk about Han and Leia.
They...work for me. This is the thing about the Original Trilogy. Even when the script
is a little stilted, the chemistry between the actors is just. So. Good That it tends
to carry you through.
And of course, nobody declares their love in long supposedly impassioned speeches, for
which we must all be thankful.
“I Love you” “I know”
See? Short, sweet, in-character, perfect.
We'll come back to that too.
But first we are heading to the prequels, because to explain the things that I like
about Han and Leia, I felt the need for a contrast, and so we’re going to talk about
some of the things which don't work for me about Anakin and Padmé.
Specifically in the movies, especially Attack of the Clones, rather than the TV series,
which often seems to be part of an entirely different continuity...
One of the things I found very frustrating about the prequel trilogy is the lack of chemistry
between the actors. And by lack of chemistry I mostly mean lack of ‘appropriate body
language cues as well as tone of voice and dialogue’.
And lack of chemistry between actors...it just happens sometimes, I mean...It just...does.
Which is a bit of a problem when your movie revolves around your supposed sizzling erotic
tension.
Most of the fun bits in Attack of the Clones involve Obi-Wan Kenobi but the point is that
the film does indeed have other things which are not to do with Anakin and Padmé's love
story.
Which is a good thing.
Whereas something like 50 Shades of Grey the movie, while having many other more serious
problems, also suffers from two lead actors who just...don’t...want...to be there, get
me out of here, why did I agree to this, I should fire my agent!
And so Han and Leia have a huge advantage over Anakin and Padmé already because Carrie
Fisher and Harrison Ford have chemistry to BURN.
Every one of their interactions is highly charged and their body language and their
touching and their hugging frames their arguments as conflict caused by attraction and competing
demands.
Anakin and Obi-Wan have more chemistry than Anakin and Padme, and Obi-Wan and Padme likewise.
And this is not terribly surprising, because Ewan McGregor is a seasoned actor who has
clearly decided to hell with it, go hard or go home, I am in a Star Wars movie, look at
me, I've got a LIGHTSABER, MA!
And that is obviously an attitude I can get behind.
Obviously, actors are people and they feed off each other as much as anything else. Doubly
so when, as I said in the Attack of the Clones review, there isn’t actually much of a set
to get them feeling in character.
I mean, they made some beautiful miniatures for the Star Wars prequels, but none of the
characters get to act in them, all they have are blue screens!
But Ewan McGregor don’t care, Ewan McGregor's seen it all before.
Whereas Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman are teenagers, and nowhere is that more painfully
obvious than in Attack of the Clones.
Because a bad performance, or worse, a falling-out with a powerful director or a studio could
sink their careers entirely at this point, and so they very naturally do what they're
told.
Now that's not to say that Hayden Christensen didn't try to get George Lucas to change some
of his dialogue to be more...like the real people talk, but NO, apparently that was not
on the cards.
So while Harrison Ford used to say, ‘You can write this ...stuff, George, but you can’t
say it’ these poor sods are trying to declare their love with ALL OF THE WORDS and very
little in the way of...action.
And they are doing their best, but their best is by necessity super duper serious and intense,
and...they just don't really have a lot of chemistry. It’s all tell, and no show.
And so all of these things combine so that Anakin putting the moves on Padme in Attack
of the Clones just feels...off to me. Because the messages are so mixed as to be unintelligible.
Han and Leia argue and yell at each other because they like each other but they just
can’t even with the demands of a price on their heads and leading the Rebellion and
being together. This is their conflict. And Anakin and Padme’s should be similar, right?
Competing demands of politics and being a Jedi vs. their overwhelming passion.
But instead we get this:
'I don't think she liked me watching her.'
And the 'EWWWW' quality of that is entirely the fault of the writing. You could be the
best actor in the world and you still wouldn't be able to make that scene not creepy.
Now that's not true of all of the scenes but the writing of them really doesn't help, because
it means Anakin spends a lot of the movie - too much of the movie - as Darth Creeper
for my personal comfort.
'I don't think she liked me watching her.'
Now, it’s not CONSTANT. The beginning of this scene, when he says ‘sometimes we must
let go of our pride’, it’s actually...good for a second you’re like...wow, Anakin,
yeah, good job, that's very mature of you!
But then he starts complaining. To a woman he knew for, what, a few weeks? Ten years
ago?
Validate me Padme, validate me!
Please note, I’m not saying that this isn’t understandable behaviour, even if it’s super
gross. It is entirely understandable for someone of Anakin’s background.
Someone who was a slave, and treated as worthless for his early life, and then he was offered
EVERYTHING in the form of Jedi training by Qui Gon Jin, but then the Jedi Council were
like, NOPE.
That’s a devastating rejection, and one which obviously they do go back on very reluctantly,
and that is going to colour how he grows up and how he sees the world.
Much fear in him? Sure.
But he’s precocious, and he’s powerful, and he’s constantly being rejected by the
Council and there is nobody to whom he can turn, because Obi-Wan is too close. So he
turns to Padme, basically because she's the only person who thus far has not told him
no.
And ALL OF THAT is TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE. But this?
'Please don’t look at me like that.' 'Why not?'
'It makes me feel uncomfortable.'
HOLY COW. NO ANAKIN. RED LIGHT BEHAVIOUR ANAKIN.
Young impressionable sorts looking for dating advice from the Star Wars movies: first of
all, there are probably better places to look.
Second of all, you probably don't have the social calibration to take cues from Han Solo...and
even then...probably only works if you ARE Han Solo, but three?
Never ever EVER take dating advice from Movie!Anakin, because...NOOOOOO.
If you’re trying to sell Anakin as a tortured soul who constantly feels like an outsider,
then you have some moments where I feel like they're doing that and that's OK, that's kind
of working.
But THIS?
'I don't think she liked me watching her.'
No, this is only appropriate if you’re trying to set him up as a creepy potential abuser.
I know there's meant to be darkness in him already, but in Attack of the Clones, while
we KNOW that their love story is going to turn out badly, surely we're meant to feel
at least a little bit happy or sympathetic towards them?
I'm just not feeling it, guys. I'm not.
If the woman you are supposed to be protecting is so unnerved by you watching her that she
has covered the cameras in her room, you have a problem.