Hey.
It's Clayton Olson.
And in this video, I'm gonna talk about how to stay true to yourself and not lose yourself
in relationship.
Now this is a big topic and it's a big issue in relationships.
I've been working with a number of individuals who are going through devastating divorces
and breakups, helping them reconcile lost loves in some cases, and helping others move
on more powerfully, reconnect with who they are and then move back into the world and
be able to create another relationship, where perhaps, they don't make the same mistakes.
And in doing this work over the last seven years, I've come across some interesting patterns
and a couple insights around what it takes to stay true to yourself in relationship and
not lose yourself which inevitably ends in heartbreak.
Because the moment you start to divorce from who you are, the moment you start to divorce
from your heart in a relationship, your partner follow suit shortly thereafter.
And we when we lose ourselves in relationship, we lose our ability to really be happy we
lose our ability to go after what it is that we want in life and to sustain ourselves internally.
So again, a really important topic here and to start this off I want to talk about a myth,
or often let's just say, repeated phrase that I hear come up in the world of relationships
and let's examine it.
So, tell me this do you believe that in order to be in a relationship that works that you
need to compromise?
Do you believe that love is a compromise?
To love someone, you must be able to compromise yourself?
Now, if that's the case I would say that that is the first domino that once it gets knocked
over, it starts to lead to a path where you begin to lose yourself and you also start
to open up a territory for resentment to begin to blossom and grow unfortunately.
So, if we look at the definition of the word compromise - compromise means to make a…
if we look at the verb of it – it means to make us a shameful concession; or in military
terms, it means to make vulnerable or open yourself up in a way that jeopardizes yourself.
Now with those definitions of the word compromise is that what we want to be doing in relationship
is to compromise?
To compromise ourselves?
To compromise our values?
No.
Because if you do that then it's just going to lead to resentment, and we can see that
based on the definition.
But then if we're only looking at that and we think, “Okay.
Well then you know how do you change, right?”
I meet a number of individuals who say you know, “I'm gonna be me and I shouldn't have
to change for anybody, and they can take it or leave it the way that I am.”
And I get that, and I think that's actually a empowering stance in one regard.
However, I don't believe it's the complete picture because if that's how we show up in
relationship is resistance to change overall, then we're not really taking advantage of
the true power that relationship offers: which is if a relationship is a place for us to
grow and become our best selves, we're gonna need to change.
We're gonna need to shift into perhaps better versions of ourselves where we're not just
looking out for us but we're able to look out for other people as well, our partner,
our family, and I think that's the beauty of relationship is being able to allow it
to transform us.
But how do we do that in a way where we're not compromising ourselves?
Well, what I think it comes down to is shifting from making it be about compromise to making
it in terms of an adjustment.
So, if we're making an adjustment versus making a compromise, one allows us to connect and
stay connected with our heart, our desire, and the other compromise actually has us disowned
our desire, to disown our hearts and start to leave parts of ourselves behind in the
relationship.
So, I'll give you an example of how this might work imagine that you are a single person
who has built this life where you exercise regularly, you've got hobbies, maybe you work
50 hours a week, you're a real go-getter.
And then you meet a wonderful person and you guys start a relationship.
And now in that relationship as time goes on suddenly your partner starts to realize
that they want more time from you.
They want more FaceTime.
They want more presence.
They want more of your attention.
Now, let's say at this point they're asking you to change.
Okay.
They're asking you to change your schedule.
Now if you change your schedule and you start to hang out with them more, is that a compromise
or is that an adjustment?
Well, it depends it depends on your intention behind the change.
Now if your intention behind the change is because you want to shut them up, or you want
them to stop nagging, or you really kind of want the relationship and you don't want to
lose them but at the same time as you make this shift in your schedule, you're feeling
like, “Well.
Now they owe me.
I made this change for them so they're gonna need to make another change for me.”
That is a compromise because what is happening here is you are leaving your desire behind.
You're saying, “Well.
I want this thing more.
I want my schedule.
I want to live my life the way that I want to live it.
And what they're asking for is really not in line with that but I'm gonna go ahead and
do it because I'm afraid of the consequences, I'm afraid of the rupture that it might cause
the disrepair and ultimately now I'm gonna do it and then there cannot owe me because
I've made this sacrifice,” that is a compromise.
That is compromising yourself.
That is compromising your values.
So, how do we escape that?
Because in a relationship your partner is going to bring things to your attention sometimes
that perhaps it's necessary to change in order to keep the relationship alive but how do
we do that without compromising ourselves?
So, what I say here is that you've got to get enrolled in what it is that they're wanting
so that your heart can start to be in alignment with the change.
So, for example same scenario they're asking you adjust your schedule or two to change
your schedule to fit that, what if instead of realizing that, “Okay.
Now they owe me and I'm going to make this change for them,” what if you begin to make
this change for you?
What if you start to get back in touch with the reason you got into the relationship with
in the first place?
And you start to take a step back and look at the larger arc of where your life is going
and you're realizing that one of your values is to have a family, another is to create
a relationship that is rock-solid – one where the two of you are investing in each
other because you know that in that place there can be more risk, there can be more
love, there can be a deeper fulfillment around life.
So, you start to get in touch you start to realize that the investment of time, the investment
of energy into shifting your schedule is actually in line with the deeper vision that you have
for your life.
Now if you change your schedule and you're changing it because of that, you are staying
in alignment.
In fact, what's happening here is you're allowing these shared values of the relationship to
transform your desire and now you bring your heart with you into that adjustment, into
that change.
That is the difference between an adjustment and a compromise.
You’ve probably heard people say this before and maybe you even set it to somebody in a
relationship is, “Listen.
Don't change for me, change for you,” that is the essence of what we're talking about
here is an adjustment is changing for you and a compromise is changing for them.
So, when you change for you it means that you might actually have to ask them some questions
in order to elicit the deeper vision of what it is that they're wanting and to take some
time to reflect so that you can get aligned before you make that change.
So, this is how you keep yourself connected to yourself in the relationship and continue
to move forward in a way that doesn't breed resentment, that is not a compromise, that
is not a sacrifice, but that allows you to stay connected yourself and still change and
transform into the best version of yourself on this ever changing growing journey with
a partner.
So, I know that this is easier said than done but I'm hoping that this video has given you
a little insight into how to continue to stay true to who you are while being in relationship
to another person.
I believe that if and when we begin to master that dance where we're able to stay in relationship
with ourselves while staying in relationship with another that truly is the path of mastery
to being in relationship and creating something that's healthy long lasting, and ultimately,
that is an incredibly fulfilling experience for both people.
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Please click link below this video as well.
I've got a webinar that I'm doing called The Three Keys to Attract and Keep A High Quality
Man and I've also got a guy called the Eight Secrets To Create A Rock-Solid Relationship,
choose whatever it is that feels like it resonates.
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