Hey everybody! Patrick Teahan LICSW,
and welcome back to the channel.
I'm going to be doing another role-play video,
about having a narcissistic parent,
and trying to get them to be accountable,
or have some ownership,
about what happened to the person in childhood.
You know, as a heads up, is,
everyone who comes to do some work
on their childhood trauma,
or trauma in general,
everyone is in a different place,
and everyone is in a different stage
in their process of healing.
And I think that part of that process,
is, when the individual
is trying to figure out whether
their family can get it or not,
about what happened to them,
and that's usually a stuck place.
And this video is aimed at
trying to be helpful
about that stuck place.
Sometimes I'll start with a client,
and we start to do
some trauma work, and then
they come in some random week,
and they say, you know like,
'I called my mom and I
just told her I was in therapy,
and it went horrible.'
And as it usually does
with a parent who is toxic.
And had I known that they were
going to make that kind of phone call,
I would have talked to them about it
or maybe even done sort of a role-play,
like this, to help them sort of see
about whether it's safe or not.
But what that tells me,
is that the person,
is in a process of knowing,
or trying to figure out
whether their parent is safe or not.
And usually every time
we go into the fold
of trying to tell a toxic parent,
or a narcissistic parent, the truth,
we usually get burned.
So that's what this role-play is about.
It's about perspective.
It's about really sort of helping people,
along in their process,
to see whether a parent like this
is safe or not.
The scenario in this is just sort of like...
it's a daughter and a mother,
and I'm playing both roles.
So bear with me on that.
A daughter and a mother,
and the daughter is sort of having
a moment where she tells mom
that she's in therapy
for some childhood trauma,
and is trying to get the mother
to see her part in it.
The mother is narcissistic.
You could see how that kind of goes.
I'm doing that role-play,
as it is in the first one,
about how it usually goes down.
Then I'm doing it with a healthy mom,
and then I'm doing it with more of
an empowered child at the end.
And just as a heads up, is,
I don't recommend to clients that they
take a toxic parent sort of head on.
But I'm not super concrete about that.
So take what you will from
the empowered role-play
at the end, and we'll get into it,
and then afterwards
we'll sort of talk a little bit more.
So, here is the narcissistic parent and ownership.
So why couldn't you do this lunch yesterday?
I was wondering if you were mad at me.
No, Mom, I wasn't, I just had an
appointment, that's kind of hard to talk about.
Well, are you alright?
Yeah, yeah, it's nothing medical.
I'm totally okay.
Well good, you scared me!
Don't do that.
Well Mom, I was going to tell you,
and I wanted to bring this up for a while,
but, I had a therapy appointment yesterday,
and I'm seeing a therapist now.
Why honey! Is Andrew treating you poorly?
I'd die if he was doing something to you!
No, mom, mom, Andrew's amazing, just no.
Well, I hope you're not talking
about me in therapy, right?
Mom, I talk about a lot of things
with my therapist, but yeah,
I do talk about you.
Oh God, I don't know if I can hear this!
Mom, you're not making this easy.
Well, Christ, how am I supposed to respond
when you're talking about me
behind my back?
Mom, I just need to say it.
I've wanted to bring this up for a while,
and my therapy sessions are about
what life was like in middle school.
What about middle school?
You never told me about middle school?
Mom, that's when you and dad divorced,
and you immediately started dating Dennis.
Oh, I thought it was something else.
God, Dennis! that guy ruined my life!
Do you know he still owes me money
for that apartment?
He never paid me.
Yeah, I can, mom.
And that's what I talk about with my therapist.
We process how abusive Dennis was,
to me and Kelly.
Yeah, those years were the worst.
I didn't know if I was going to
make it through all that.
Well, I need to tell you some things
about him, mom.
Mom, I still have nightmares
about Dennis screaming at us.
And you had him move in,
just two months after the divorce.
We barely knew him,
and he'd scream at us
about not cleaning.
Do you remember when he punched the wall,
because Kelly left her backpack at Dad's,
because she needed a ride to go get it?
I don't remember that!
And I'm not sure any of that happened!
He had a temper, sure, but ....
Well, Kelly remembers, mom!
Do you remember why she
started sleeping at her friend's
houses all the time?
Oh that's...no...
she had wonderful friends.
It wasn't because of Dennis, come on.
Mom! she hated him,
and she was terrified of him,
like I was.
Kelly would go to her friend's house,
and I would go to Aunt Gina's, remember?
Ugh! Your Aunt Gina did
nothing but criticize me,
through that tall time,
and she was no help like your father,
and no help like everybody else.
But, mom, you had him live
with us for five years. And well,
do you remember the neighbors
would come by because how
abusive things would get
between the two of you?
I'm getting angry!
Those were the worst years of my life!
And where was your father in all this?
Shouldn't you be screaming at him, too?
Oh, my God mom!
You specifically told us, to not tell him
about how bad those fights were, remember?
I did no such thing!
And oh, for Godsake, I would never
make you do something like that,
Mom! You sat Kelly and I down
after those fights,
and you would beg us, to not tell dad,
because you would get in trouble.
You made us promise.
Okay, so now, according to you,
I am the worst mother in the world.
I was suicidal in high school,
because I hated our life.
I was worried about you,
about how Dennis treated you,
and how he treated us.
I can't listen to this anymore!
You know, you'll have kids someday.
And let's see how you like it
when they read you the riot act,
and expect you to be perfect.
I needed someone in my life.
You were fine! You had friends!
We went shopping.
You had it better than I did.
Did the therapist put you up to this?
Can I call them?
They only hear one side
of the story, you know.
You and I used to be so close,
and I don't know what happened to us.
I can't believe this, you know
two months after leaving dad,
and you had an abusive stranger
live with us, without a discussion.
You just introduced him to us
while he was moving in.
You'll see one day, when you're lonely,
and you go through a divorce,
and you try to be a great mother
for two kids,
who came out fine, by the way.
And you'll see how it feels,
when one of them turns on you.
I suppose you'll turn Kelly on me, too.
Why not? Everybody else does.
I can't talk to you anymore.
This is ruining me.
I'm so glad I get to see you,
but how come you couldn't
do the lunch yesterday?
Oh, I just had an appointment
that's kind of hard to talk about.
Well, are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's nothing medical. I'm totally okay.
Well, good.
I just wanted to bring this up for
a while now, but Mom,
I had a therapy appointment yesterday,
and I'm seeing a therapist now.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Is everything okay, honey?
Yeah. Mom, this is really hard,
but I needed to see someone
for anxiety and nightmares,
and it's related to what happened
in middle school.
Do you mean me dating Dennis
after the divorce, honey?
Well, I think it's really good that
you're talking to somebody about it,
and I should have brought it up
with you and Kelly,
but... but, I have a lot of guilt,
but I shouldn't let that get in the way
of talking about this with you.
And whatever you need to tell me,
I can hear.
Thank you! I haven't, because I
actually didn't think it was that bad,
until the nightmares popped up.
And I also didn't want to make you feel bad.
Well, honey, he was awful,
and I know I'm responsible for
bringing him into you and Kelly's life.
But do you need to tell me something?
Was he off with you?
No, but... it wasn't that, mom,
but he would scream at us, punch walls,
and he really picked on me and
Kelly, when she was just being a kid.
And I'd have to protect her.
Ugh, and you guys would see those
fights he and I would have too.
I'm really sorry.
I don't want you to take care of me right now,
because this is about what you need.
But I was really lost after the divorce,
and trying to prove something to the world,
and maybe trying to prove
something to your dad.
So mom, you're okay with
talking about this?
I need to hear this, but are you okay?
I put you in harm's way,
and you're being really brave,
and real with me.
Can you tell me more about it?
Well, some of the nightmares
are worrying about you
because of those fights.
He'd get so ragey,
and he was such a psycho.
You know, I never should have
brought him into your life.
And I should have gone into counseling,
and really thought about what
you and Kelly needed after the divorce,
I was in total la-la-land.
Mom, thank you for being cool about this.
And I was worried that you
would fall apart or something.
No, you know, I need to hear this,
and I didn't show up for you back then,
but I can show up for you now,
and you're safe to talk about this
with me now, and I'm really sorry.
So why couldn't you
do this lunch yesterday?
I was wondering if you were mad at me.
No, no mom, I wasn't.
I just had an appointment
that's, it's kind of hard to talk about.
Well, are you alright?
Yeah...no, I'm alright.
It's nothing medical, I'm okay.
Well good! You scared me.
Don't do that.
Well Mom, I was going to tell you,
and I've been meaning to
bring this up for a while now,
but, but I had a therapy
appointment yesterday,
and I'm seeing a therapist now.
Why honey?!
Is Andrew treating you poorly?
I'd die if he was doing anything to you!
No, Mom, Andrew's amazing.
Like, why would you...
Pfoof, well, I hope you're not talking
about me in therapy, are you?
Oh, God! I don't know if I can hear this!
Mom, I need you to listen
to what I have to say.
And don't make this about you.
Well, Christ, how am I supposed
to respond, when you're talking
about me behind my back?
Mom, I think you need to know
something about what life
was like around middle school.
That guy ruined my life.
Do you know, he still owes
me money for that apartment.
Can you believe that?
Yup! that's the kind of stuff,
I talk about with my therapist.
We process how abusive Dennis was,
to me and Kelly.
I don't remember that.
I'm not even sure that that happened.
Yeah, he had a temper, but come on!
Your Aunt Gina did nothing but
criticize me throughout those years,
and she was no help.
Just like Dennis and everybody else.
Here's the deal, mom.
You brought an abusive man
into our life,
and now you're refusing
to acknowledge that you had
any part in it,
I'm getting angry!
Those were the worst years of my life.
And how about you
start screaming at your father?
Shouldn't he be involved in this?
Now You're deflecting!
As if dad had something
to do with your choices,
to bring Dennis into your life!
Of course, your father affected me,
are you insane?!
And now you're trying to make it
look like you're the victim,
to get me to feel for you.
I can't listen to this anymore.
You know, you'll have kids someday,
and see how...
...I'm stopping you there.
You don't get to wax poetic
and shame me,
for telling you the truth,
about your abusive choices.
You chose to date him,
and rush him into our lives,
and you take no responsibility for it.
You're definitely not the authority
on what it was like for us.
I don't know what
you want from me.
I don't want anything at this point.
I've made a mistake.
You're not safe to talk to about this.
And if we're going to have a relationship,
the boundary is, you don't get to
make any passive aggressive
statements about me going to therapy,
or acting like I'm 'hurting', you for being real.
And chances are,
I know you're going to call Kelly,
right after this,
and tell her about how 'awful' I am.
Well, I guess it's your reality over mine then.
So there you have the three role plays.
And in addition, what I was hoping
to also do from this video like this,
is to show some perspective,
because I find that if... not every
trauma survivor is wired this way,
but many of us get stuck
in a certain level of conditioning,
of trying to get through to people,
like in that first round,
if you notice that the daughter,
was trying to get this woman
to remember the things that happened,
and she was in complete,
pretty aggressive denial.
or dismissing the whole thing.
And that is often a bit of a set up
for the person, and
we may do that in our romantic lives.
We may do that with other family members,
of trying to get through to them.
We can even be obsessed with
trying to get through to somebody.
So that's an additional sort of insight,
that I want you guys
to take away from this role-play,
is that it doesn't usually just stop,
with having a parent like this,
because the trauma is around
not being seen, being gaslit,
being invisible,
that whole assault on reality.
And usually when someone is coming
from a family system like this,
they will get massively triggered,
if they feel like they're not
having a place at the table,
being able to talk their side of things,
and being able to... about being heard.
There can be many layers of triggering
that happens after that,
and there's usually what I call it
like an engine like, there's an engine
from our childhood trauma.
That is, we're trying to
fix our childhood by trying to
get people to get it.
And that can be a very,
very hard place to be.
So I hope the video was helpful.
I will be doing sometime this week,
a clinical analysis of the video,
sort of a breakdown about
what was going on for both the mother,
and the daughter in that first round.
I hope this video was helpful to you.
If you liked it, hit the 'Like' button.
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leave a couple of comments,
and I will try to do my best to
address them.
And as always:
May you be filled with loving kindness.
May you be well.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
And may you be joyous.
Take care, guys.
Bye bye!