NOW, A LOT PEOPLE KNOW THAT I'M A HUGE TOLKIEN FAN, BUT I
HAVEN'T BEEN THAT PUBLIC THAT I'M A BIG HARRY POTTER FAN.
OR AS WE CALL OURSELVES, POTHEADS.
I HAVE MEMORIZED EVERY DETAIL OF THESE BOOKS.
FOR INSTANCE, DID YOU KNOW THAT ON PAGE 17 OF "GOBLET OF FIRE,"
THERE IS A MUSTARD STAIN?
I DON'T KNOW WHY J.K. ROWLING PUT IT THERE, BUT I DISCOVERED
IT WHILE I WAS EATING A HOT DOG.
BUT NOW ROWLING HAS GOT MY INVIZISIBIL-- I THINK SHE JUST
PUT A CURSE ON ME.
ROLLING HAS MY INVISIBILITY CLOAK IN A BUNCH.
BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH THE LAST "HARRY POTTER" NOVEL CAME OUT
NEARLY A DECADE AGO, SHE KEEPS COMING OUT WITH NEW REVELATIONS
THAT COMPLETELY CHANGE THE STORY.
FOR INSTANCE, THERE WAS THE BIG REVEAL BACK IN 2007 THAT
DUMBLEDORE WAS GAY, WHICH WAS A SURPRISE.
NOT THAT THERE HAVEN'T BEEN FANTASY CHARACTERS IN THE CLOSET
BEFORE, BUT USUALLY THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY TO NARNIA.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, JUST LAST YEAR, ROWLING
CONFESSED IN AN INTERVIEW THAT SHE REGRETS PAIRING HERMIONE
WITH RON INSTEAD OF HARRY POTTER, WHICH IS CRAZY!
THAT IS CRAZY.
IF YOU PUT HERMIONE AND HARRY TOGETHER, THAT LEAVES RON WITH
HARRY'S WIFE, GINNY WEASLEY, WHO IS RON'S SISTER.
THAT IS MESSED UP, J.K.!
ALTHOUGH. IT DOES EXPLAIN WHY EVERYONE IN THEIR FAMILY HAS RED
HAIR.
BUT THE LATEST AFTER-THE-FACT EDIT FROM "JUST KIDDING" OVER
HERE REVEALS A WHOLE NEW WORLD OF MAGIC.
ROLLUS CLIP'EM!
>> J.K. ROWLING HAS DECLARED THAT THE TERM "MUGGLE," WHICH
REFERS TO A NON-MAGICAL HUMAN BEING, ISN'T ACTUALLY USED
STATESIDE.
INSTEAD, AMERICAN WIZARDS USE THE TERM, "NO-MAJ," AN
ABBREVIATION FOR "NO MAGIC."
THE SHORTHAND WILL BE USED IN THE UPCOMING "HARRY POTTER"
SPIN-OFF, "FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM."
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR THAT REPORT, DEIRDRE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AMERICA NOW HAS ITS OWN TERM FOR MUGGLES AND ITS OWN WIZARDS,
PLUS, SINCE 2002, WE'VE HAD OUR VERY OWN AZKABAN.
( APPLAUSE ) ERRUM DISAPPEARUM.
BUT IF THERE ARE AMERICAN WIZARDS OUT THERE, THAT MUST
MEAN THERE'S ALSO AN AMERICAN "HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED."
WHO'S THAT?
>> AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING, DROPPING A BOMBSHELL ON "HARRY POTTER"
FANS.
>> AUTHOR J.K. ROWLING SAYS THE "T" AT THE END OF LORD
VOLDEMORT'S NAME IS ACTUALLY SILENT.
>> "T" IS SILENT, FOLKS.
>> MIND BLOWING.
>> POOF!
BLOWN.
"VOLDEMORE," LIKE COLBERT.
YOU DON'T SAY THE "T."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHAT!
WHAT!
OH, I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING.
ROWLING IS ALL BUT OUTRIGHT CALLING ME THE DARK LORD.
VOLDEMORT, COLBERT, "A" EQUALS "B" EQUALS SILENT "T."
WELL, WELL, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS, J.K.
I AM NOT SOME SECRET DARK WIZARD, AND THE IDEA THAT YOU
COULD PICTURE ME SLITHERING ACROSS YOUR FLOOR IN THE DEAD OF
NIGHT TO COIL AROUND YOU LIKE A PYTHON EMBRACING IT'S PREY,
TIGHTENING EVER SO SLOWLY UNTIL I SQUEEZE OUT YOUR VERY...
LAST...
BREATH...
THOUGH WERE IT TO HAPPEN, NONE OF MY ENEMIES WOULD AGAIN DARE
TO QUESTION MY POWER.
POINT IS, I'M A REALLY NICE GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT, FINE, JOANNA KRISTINE, OR
WHENEVER THAT STANDS FOR.
IF YOU WANT TO PLAY HARD-QUIDDITCH, I'M GAME
BECAUSE TONIGHT I'M REVEALING ALL OF YOUR FUTURE "HARRY
POTTER" BOMBSHELLS BEFORE YOU CAN.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM BERTIE BOTTS EVERY FLAVOR BEANS?
LET ME JUST USE A LITTLE AMERICAN MAGIC TO CONJURE UP
THAT LIST.
EXPECTO LISTUM!
( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU, HEDWIG.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE.
LET'S SEE HERE.
"TO SEE THE LIST OF FUTURE 'HARRY POTTER' SECRETS J.K.
ROWLING HASN'T REVEALED YET, PLACE THIS LETTER IN A MAGICAL
KETTLE."
THIS IS "HARRY POTTER AND THE CAULDRON OF SPOILERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YES!
YES!
OH, OH, OH, BEHOLD!
YES!
THE FIRST SHOCKING SPOILER.
I CAN NOW REVEAL THAT SNAPE IS ACTUALLY SHORT FOR "SNAPPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) WAIT, WHAT'S THIS?
WHAT DO I SEE IN THE WATER?
ONCE HARRY POTTER GOT DRUNK ON BUTTER BEER AND TRIED TO MAKE
OUT WITH HIS OWN PATRONUS.
THAT'S PRETTY WEIRD STUFF.
I SEE HERMIONE AND SHE'S USING THE TIME-TURNER TO GO BACK IN
TIME AND KILL WIZARD HITLER.
THIS IS SHOCKING.
HOLD ON.
YES.
THE HUFFLEPUFF-- MMM.
I'VE GOT-- THIS IS POWERFUL STUFF, FOLKING.
THE HUFFLEPUFF QUIDDICH TEAM WAS USING PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING
HIPPOGRIFF HORMONES.
TURNS OUT.
WHAT IS THIS?
TURNS OUT HORCRUXES ARE NOT DISHWASHER SAFE.
I SEE, I SEE, IN THE CALDERON THAT
THE "DAILY PROPHET" WAS PURCHASED BY MUGGLE RUPERT
MURDOCH, AND RITA SKEETER IS NOW A CO-HOST ON "THE FIVE."
YES!
AFTER DUMBLEDORE'S DEATH, FAWKES THE PHOENIX GOES ON TO FOUND THE
UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NO!
OH, THE VISION IS FADING!
IT'S FADING!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MIND-- POOF!
YOU DIDN'T-- YOU DIDN'T SEE ANY OF THAT STUFF IN THE MOVIES.
OH!
WHICH REMINDS ME.
I HAVE GOT TO PAY MY TIME WARNER CABLE BILL.
( LAUGHTER ) FLY!