I
still remember when the cast of Smash Bros. Melee was being announced.
Peach?
Excellent.
Gannondorf?
Please take my money.
Mewtwo?
Now we’re getting serious.
Ice Climbers?
Who the hell are the Ice Climbers?
If you blinked - or weren’t born at the time - chances are you missed the Ice Climbers’
debut appearance in the mass of US launch titles for the NES back in ‘85.
And the N64 launched with... two?
C’mon, Nintendo.
Buried in that list - between Hogan’s Alley and Kung-Fu - was this little nugget, detailing
the trials and tribulations of one or two parka-clad mountaineers on their daring quest
to recover a payload of fresh vegetables from a tyrannical condor-pterodactyl-thing.
See, back in ‘85, that’s all you needed.
Some big bird, on the lam from Jim Henson, swipes some produce from a couple kids and
absconds up a strange, technicolor mountain, inhabited by cute little Yeti fluffballs who
meticulously repair the floors and pathways of their home.
Unfortunately, you’re not the cute little Yeti fluffballs.
You’re the kids what got their lunch swiped.
But the bird didn’t take your mallets.
IT’S SCALING TIME.
That might’ve been some flowery lead-up, but here’s the net effect: You climb.
You go up.
And after eight strata of enemies, the occasional divebombing bird, icicles, and a particularly
perturbed polar bear (complete with coolguy shades and pink boxers), it’s Bonus Stage
time!
Which is like scaling time with more nutritional value.
You slam your way up to the peak, bouncing off of clouds, reclaiming your rightful foodstuffs,
and preparing to face off against...
… that feathered jerk.
Who doesn’t actually do anything.
He just flies around and waits for you to sock him in the undercarriage.
Do so and it’s a sizable bonus, fail (by falling off the mountain during the bonus
stage) and you have to deal with a crying little Ice Climber during the entire score
reckoning.
You horrible, horrible person.
Here’s the problem, though...
as could be expected from a game with “Ice” in the title, the controls are stone-cold
difficult.
Jump timing is razor-thin, midair control is painfully realistic (that is to say, there’s
barely any), collision detection on ledges is shaky at best, and your falls accelerate
so fast it’d make Guts Man’s head spin.
This is by no means easy, but it is unspeakably unique.
This is platforming taken to an almost absurdly literal level.
You need to burrow up through platforms, then establish yourself on platforms, defend platforms,
and ascend to the next platform.
While it’s pretty rare to come upon an NES cart of this classic, there are a number of
ways to experience the game itself, primarily in the wake of Nana and Popo’s reemergence
in the Smash Bros. Series.
The original was made available as a series of e-Reader cards, ported to the Game Boy
Advance as part of the NES Classics series (viz the version you’re looking at now),
hidden within the bell-and-tree-stump-littered world of Animal Crossing, and finally, released
for the Virtual Console on either the Wii or 3DS.
Of those 18 NES launch titles, Derek’s already covered two: Super Mario Bros. and Excitebike.
Ice Climber makes three.
I think all 18 should be represented here on Undertow, don’t you?