-Welcome, everybody.
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show!"
You're here. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]
Well, guys, everyone is talking about this.
Earlier today, the director of the CDC
made a huge announcement.
Listen to this.
-Today, CDC is updating our guidance
for fully vaccinated people.
Anyone who is fully vaccinated can participate
in indoor and outdoor activities, large or small,
without wearing a mask or physical distancing.
If you are fully vaccinated, you can start doing the things
that you had stopped doing because of the pandemic.
-Oh, man. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Oh, man.
Every bar in New York City is going to feel like
St. Patrick's Day fell on Cinco de Mayo.
Do you know what I'm saying?
I think things are about to get crazy.
Seriously, I just got invited to an orgy at Dr. Fauci's.
-Really? -Yes.
Honest to God, the next time I hear N95,
it better be in 50 years when I'm playing bingo.
You know what I'm saying?
Everyone is excited about the news,
while the adults who secretly got braces are like,
"I thought I had more time.
I'm just gonna wear the mask for fun."
Yeah, if you are fully vaccinated,
you can go back to doing the things
you did before the pandemic.
Well, not everything.
If you're Trump, you still can't tweet.
[ Cheers and applause ] Yep.
That's right -- no more masks or social distancing
for fully vaccinated people.
Tariq, you know what this means.
♪♪
[ Crunch! ]
Slow...motion...acting.
Good work, Tariq.
As if getting vaccinated
so you can return to a normal life isn't enough incentive,
Ohio governor Mike DeWine came up with a pretty bold idea.
Listen to this.
-Governor Mike DeWine is implementing
a COVID-19 vaccine incentive program
in the form of a $1 million lottery.
Adult state residents who have received at least one dose
will be eligible to win the money.
A winner will be announced each Wednesday for five weeks.
-You know some idiot is out there like,
"Yeah, but after taxes, it comes out to only $800,000,
so it's not really worth it.
I don't know."
Yeah, a million-dollar vaccine lottery.
And this is fun -- instead of drawing from a basket,
they're gonna pull numbered cotton swabs
from someone's nose.
-Oh, really? -Yeah. It's a theme thing.
-Wow!
-Meanwhile, here in New York City,
Shake Shack is offering free French fries
to vaccinated customers, and they made the announcement
during Mayor Bill de Blasio's briefing.
Let's see how that went.
-Show us your vaccine card,
we'll get you a free fries on us.
-Free fries when you get vaccinated?
You're saying I can get this?
These delicious fries?
If this is appealing to you,
just think of this when you think of vaccination.
-Ugh! -Mmm!
Vaccination. Mmm!
[ Laughter ] -Ugh!
-Wait.
-Wait. -Oh, my God.
-Wait a minute. -Oh! Oh!
-The sound you just heard was every New Yorker
puking and then packing for Ohio.
-Oh, my God. -Wait.
-Somehow, that was real.
-That was real? -Yeah, it happened today.
-Can I get de-vaccinated? [ Laughter ]
-That wasn't you guys?
-No. -No.
No, that was actually -- That happened.
-That was real. That happened. -Yeah.
-Somehow, de Blasio did the impossible.
He made people want to stop eating French fries.
I'll go get a third dose if he stops eating on camera.
Some news out of Washington.
Yesterday, President Biden
met with the big four leaders of Congress.
And I thought some of the things he had to say
were pretty interesting.
-Hmm. -Take a look.
-What? -Wow! A muskie?
-I don't know what he's talking about.
That wasn't all that he said. -Wow!
Really? He said more? -Yeah, he said this.
-What is he talking about?
-Wow! -Why doesn't anyone stop him?
-Yeah, he's the president.
-And, finally, he had this to say.
-Are you serious? One more thing?
-Yeah, we -- Listen to this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-What? -I don't know.
You know, it seems like the country is going through
a different shortage every day.
This week, it started with gasoline.
And now it's something even more serious.
Chick-fil-A has a sauce shortage.
-Oh!
-Dear God, will those Russian hackers stop at nothing?
Don't worry.
We just made a deal with Saudi Arabia
for 10 million barrels of honey mustard, so we're all good.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Beep-beep!
The milkman will let you honk the horn.
-Oogah! -Yeah.
[ Car horn honks ]
-Here's some more poultry-adjacent news.
KFC is making some changes to its packaging.
KFC is changing its packaging.
It's adding instructions on their buckets
for reheating leftovers.
-Oh.
-Yeah. People who eat KFC were like, "Leftovers?
I just keep going till my fist hits cardboard."
-Boom! -Yeah.
-KFC is redoing their packaging.
When asked why, they said it was on their bucket list.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Rimshot ] What?
How -- Our show is canceled? -Come on.
-Our show is canceled that fast, from that?
Can I finish the monologue?
It's just a couple more jokes.
We're off the air?
You got to be kidding me. Well, I had a good run.
Love you guys.
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
-Bucket list. -Aha!
This is the bucket-list show.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-Well, guys, it's now been over a year
since we all got on Zoom, and, yet, some people
are still getting the hang of it,
even people on the news.
So you know what that means.
It's time for another installment of
"Greatest Moments in Zoom History."
Enjoy. [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-My baby walked over a mat in the --
-Did we lose Bill?
Uh-oh. Poor connection.
-What made you want to do it?
-Well, my mom presented the idea to me,
and she said that I could be one of the first --
-I think we just lost Ty.
Ty, I think we have you back, so I'll ask the question again.
What made you want to be a part of this trial?
-And, John, in the early days of this investigation,
what stands out to you the most?
-One-two, one-two, one-two, one-two, one-two, one-two.
One, two, three, four, five -- -We can hear you, John.
-So, let's see if we can give Theresa a call.
-Hello?!
-Theresa! -Theresa!
-You're upside down, girl.
Will you flip your phone upside down?
-We can't see you. -This way?
-One more. One more click. -One more.
One more.
-One more. -One more.
-One more.
Yeah!
-That's right. [ Cheers and applause ]
You got it.
And, finally, it was just announced
that the "Friends" reunion will air on HBO Max on May 27th.
[ Cheers and applause ]
May 27th? "Could it be any closer?"
Yep, they're calling it "The Episode" --
They're calling the episode
"The One that Costs Way More than the Others."