>> Stephen: THAT RIGHT THERE.
WELCOME BACK.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A BUSINESSWOMAN,
AUTHOR, AND LIFESTYLE GURU WITH A MEDIA EMPIRE.
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW," MARTHA STEWART!
MARTHA.
A DELIGHT.
GLAD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
AS ALWAYS, MADAME, WHAT ARE WE PREPARING TONIGHT?
THIS SEEMS VERY ROMANTIC.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW, VALENTINE'S DAY IS AROUND THE CORNER.
>> Stephen: IT IS, IT'S A WEEK AWAY.
>> HAVE YOU GOTTEN THE PRESENTS FOR YOUR LOVED ONES?
>> Stephen: LET'S SAY YES.
>> YOU CAN ALSO BAKE A CAKE AND I UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE TO BAKE.
>> Stephen: I LOVE TO BAKE IN ALL ITS FORM.
PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>> THIS IS A VERY PRETTY CAKE.
IT'S FILLED WITH RASPBERRIES.
IT'S AN EASY CAKE TO BAKE, LIGHT, FLUFFY CAKE.
>> Stephen: FANTASTIC.
>> AND YOU MAKE TWO LAYERS AND YOU CUT THE LAYERS IN HALF.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND IF WE START OFF WITH A DRINK?
>> SHOW THE LABEL, PLEASE ( CLEARS THROAT ).
>> Stephen: THIS IS 19 CRIMES, MARKET'S CHARD.
>> Stephen: LOOK AT THE CORK, LOOK AT THE CORK.
>> AND THIS IS A VERY DELICIOUS CHARDONNAY, BUT WE CALL IT
CHARD, NOWADAYS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS CALL IT NOWADAYS.
LISTENING TO THE HIP HOP?
>> NOT JUST KIDS, NOT JUST KIDS.
ADULTS.
>> Stephen: ADULTS DO WHAT?
>> DRINK CHARD.
IS THERE ONLY ADULTS.
IT'S ILLEGAL FOR CHILDREN.
>> IT IS.
>> Stephen: YES, MARTHA.
>> CAN I HAVE ICE.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT THAT WAS ANATHEMA.
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE IN FRANCE AND ITALY ALL APPROVE OF ICE IN THE
WHITE WINE.
>> Stephen: IT WILL DILUTE IT.
>> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
>> Stephen: WHY.
>> BECAUSE THEN YOU CAN GET UP AND LEAVE AND NOT GET TOO DRUNK
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE GUY YOU CAN GET OUT OF THERE FAST.
>> Stephen: WE'RE ON A DATE RIGHT NOW.
>> THERE'S A METHOD TO MY MADNESS.
>> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> Stephen: OF OUR DATE SO FAR?
( LAUGHTER )
OUR DATE SO FAR.
>> YES, GOOD, HAVE A SIP.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.
>> Stephen: OH, I COULD GET CRUNKED ON THAT, 100%.
I COULD FUNNEL THAT.
>> THE WHOLE IDEA OF CRAHD-- >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED DRY JANUARY?
>> OF COURSE, BUT NOT THIS JANUARY.
>> Stephen: I DID THIS JANUARY.
IT'S A WASTE.
WHY NOT SAVE IT FOR LENT.
>> YOU CAN DO IT FOR LENT ALSO.
NOW I DON'T LIKE YOU.
YOU WON'T BE BUYING MY CHARD.
I'LL GIVE IT AS GIFTS.
>> THIS IS THE BOTTOM LAYER.
IT'S ALREADY BEEN SLATHERED WITH BUTTER CREAM.
>> Stephen: AND THE BUTTER CREAM IS BUTTER, SUGAR, MILK,
CREAM, VANILLA.
>> A TINY PITCH OF SALT TO GIVE IT A LITTLE DEPTH OF FLAVOR.
>> Stephen: AND SALT WILL DO THAT FOR YOU?
I WENT TO A BAR WHERE THEY PUT SALT WATER IN MY COCKTAIL.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: THEY SAID IT WOKE UP THE FLAVORS.
YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY STORY.
>> I'M CONCENTRATING.
>> Stephen: THIS DATE IS NOT GOING AS WELL AS I HOPED,
MARTHA.
I SPREAD IT OVER THE TOP.
>> THAT'S MY PROBLEM.
I DON'T LISTEN -- >> Stephen: IS THERE A SPECIAL
SOMEONE ON THIS VALENTINE'S DAY FOR YOU, MARTHA?
>> NOT REALLY, IN MY DREAMS.
>> Stephen: IF YOUR DREAMS, DOES HE LOOK LIKE TIM McGRAW,
WEARING CHAPS BECAUSE I CAN'T GET THAT IMAGE OUT OF MY HEAD.
( LAUGHTER )
SCREAMING WITH THAT IMAGE IN MY HEAD.
OKAY.
WHAT'S A GOOD DATE FOR YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR IDEA OF AN IDEAL DATE, MARTHA?
>> AN IDEAL DATE IS TO GET ON A PLANE, A PRIVATE PLANE --
>> Stephen: OH, WOW.
>> AND FLY OFF TO SOME MYSTERIOUS LOCATION, LIKE A
PRIVATE ISLAND.
>> Stephen: OOOH.
>> AND THEN HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> WITH REALLY, REALLY, NICE, NICE BEACHES AND SWIMMING AND
FOOD AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT ELSE.
EVERYTHING.
>> Stephen: WHAT ELSE?
WHAT ELSE, MARTHA?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE.
WHA ELSE WOULD IT BE?
>> A TYPICAL NICE DATE.
A GOOD DATE.
>> Stephen: IS THIS A FIRST DATE?
IS THIS A FIRST DATE?
>> IT COULD BE A FIRST DATE.
IT COULD BE A SECOND DATE.
I LIKE FIRST DATES LIKE, THAT ACTUALLY.
YOU KNOW, WHY BOTHER, OTHERWISE?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
RIGHT?
>> Stephen: LIFE IS SHORT LIFE IS SHORT.
>> OKAY, YOU DID IT NICER THAN I DID IT.
>> Stephen: WELL, I'M A NATURAL.
WHAT DO I DO NEXT?
NOW WE SLATHER?
>> NOW, YOU HAVE TO CUT-- IS IT CENTERED?
CENTERED.
>> Stephen: YOU TELL ME.
IT'S HARD TO TELL.
>> CUT THROUGH THE SECOND LAYER.
AND THAT LITTLE CAKE-- THAT LITTLE CAKE CAN BE A PRESENT TO
YOUR CHILD.
>> Stephen: OR IF SOMEONE HAS A BIRTHDAY IN THE AUDIENCE, THAT
WOULD BE A FUN THING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> CENTER IT NICELY AND PUT THE REST OF THE RED RASPBERRIES IN
THE CENTER.
SEE HOW PRETTY?
THIS WAS PRETTY ENOUGH TO PUT ON THE COVER OF OUR MAGAZINE.
YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION, SPEAKING OF THE
BUSINESS SIDE OF MARTHA.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR WEB SITE IS martha.com.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: HOW DID YOU GET THAT?
HAVE YOU HAD THAT FOR A LONG TIME?
THERE'S NO WAY SOMEONE DIDN'T CAMP ON THAT.
>> EARLY ON ONE OF MY BOYFRIENDS TOLD ME TO BUY UP OR AT LEAST
RESERVE ALL THE DOMAIN NAMES YOU NEED.
I HAD PAPERs HOME.COM, martha.com.
DIDN'T YOU DO THAT?
>> Stephen: NO.
>> YOU DON'T OWN STEPHEN.COM?
>> Stephen: NO, I HAVE BEEN TO BE STEPHEN 134.COM, SOMETHING
LIKE THAT.
SOME STUPID ( BLEEP ) LIKE THAT.
>> THAT'S A SHAME.
>> Stephen: IT IS A SHAME.
>> YOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE WERE NOT SMART.
>> Stephen: NO, THEY SUCK.
>> NOW YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR PIPING BAG.
DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT SO MUCH.
YOU'RE DOING PRETTY DA>N WELL.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> I THINK YOU ARE.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW.
>> TAKE THIS WHIPPED CREAM ALL OVER.
YOU CAN DO IT PRETTILY IF YOU WANT.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHIPPED CREAM.
>> YES, BUT IT HAS CREME FRESCHE, SO IT'S A LITTLE
TARTAR.
>> Stephen: DO YOU UFER PUT ALMOND EXTRACT IN YOUR WHIPPED
CREAM.
>> I DON'T LIKE THAT.
BUT YOU COULD DO IT.
I DON'T LIKE IT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST MARZAPAN.
>> IT'S ALMOND EXTRACT.
WE COULD ARGUE ABOUT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW,.
>> Stephen: BUT THEN THERE'S THE MAKEUP SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IN THE FANTASY THAT THIS IS A DATE--
>> IT'S SO NICE TO FLIRT WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, MARTHA-- >> YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE CLOSE
FOR TELEVISION.
YOU STAY ON YOUR SIDE OF THE TABLE, STEVE
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT YOU HAVE LEATHER PANTS
ON IN OUR INDICATE.
>> I DO.
>> Stephen: THOSE ARE HOT.
>> THEY'RE HOT-- HOT -- >> Stephen: I WANT YOU TO
KNOW-- >> THEY HAVE NOTHING UNDERNEATH
THEM.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST TIME--
>> IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU'RE DISGUSTING.
YOU ARE A BAD BOY.
>> Stephen: I'M A--
THIS IS A GOOD DATE.
>> DO YOU DO THAT, REALLY?
>> Stephen: EVERY CHRISTMAS, YOU AND I MADE A KISSING BALL
WHEN YOU WERE ON MY SHOW BACK IN THE DAY.
>> BUT YOU DID NOT KISS ME.
>> Stephen: I PUT THAT UP EVERY YEAR.
>> YOU DO?
>> Stephen: AND I THINK OF YOU.
>> THAT'S SO NICE.
>> Stephen: NOW WHAT DO I DO?
AM I DONE?
>> THAT'S PRET ENOUGH.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
>> BUT YOU COULD DO -- >> Stephen: I COULD DO THE
SIDES.
IMAGINE WE ONLY HAVE ONE MINUTE LEFT.
WHAT WOULD WE DO.
>> YOU COULD EMBELLISH WITH COCONUT.
NOT ON THE RASPBERRIES.
>> Stephen: MY SWEETIE PIE, EVIE, DOESN'T LIKE COCONUT.
>> SHE DOESN'T.
>> Stephen: SHE DOESN'T.
>> THEN DON'T PUT THAT ON HER CAKE.
SAVE THAT ONE FOR HER.
THIS IS A GOOD CAKE.
THAT LOOKS FANTASTIC.
WE SHOULD GIVE THIS TO SOMEBODY ELSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHOSE
BIRTHDAY IS TODAY.
>> Stephen: YES, WE SHOULD.
>> AND WE HAVE THAT ONE, TOO >> Stephen: HER NEW WEBSITE IS
martha.com HER NAME IS MARTHA STEWART.
SHE'S A GREAT DATE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, THANK YOU, MARTHA.
♪ ♪ ♪
MARTHA STEWART!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )