>> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU?
>> GREAT.
>> Jimmy: IT'S AN HONOR TO HAVE
YOU HERE.
AND I'M WONDERING WHAT GOES
THROUGH YOUR MIND WHEN YOU COME
INTO THIS NEIGHBORHOOD, WHERE
YOU HOSTED THE OSCARS SO MANY
TIMES.
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: AND YOU SEE THE STREET
CLOSED DOWN AND YOU'RE
MANEUVERING TO GET AROUND, WHAT
DO YOU THINK OF?
>> HOW TO USE WAZE.
>> Jimmy: VERY PRACTICAL.
>> WE'VE HOSTED BETWEEN THE TWO
OF US, 11 TIMES.
AND THIS YEAR IS ANOTHER NO-HOST
SHOW.
>> Jimmy: NO HOST.
>> WHICH IS LIKE HAVING A TRIAL
WITHOUT WITNESSES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WHO'D EVER HAVE THAT?
NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.
>> MOVES FASTER BUT NOT QUITE
THE RESULT THAT YOU WANT.
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: DO YOU THINK THAT A
HOST IS IMPORTANT TO THE SNHOW?
>> YEAH!
DON'T YOU THINK SO?
>> Jimmy: IT SEEMS LIKE IT.
>> IT'S THE TRADITION OF IT.
WHEN WE DID IT, YOU KNOW, I
ALWAYS FELT I WAS IN A LINE OF
JOHNNY AND BOB HOPE.
>> Jimmy: I FELT THE SAME WAY
ABOUT YOU.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jimmy: IT'S TRUE.
>> BUT I, I ALWAYS LOVED BEING
OUT THERE.
I LOVED THE, I GUESS THE TRUST,
YOU KNOW, THAT THE MOVIE ACADEMY
HAD IN ME TO GET ME OUT THERE.
AND I FELT LIKE IT WAS A GREAT
HONOR TO DO IT.
AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU HAVE A
SHOW THAT'S AS LONG AS IT IS.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN.
AND I THINK THE PROBLEM WITH THE
NO-HOST THING PERHAPS IS THAT
THERE'S NOT SOMEBODY OUT THERE
TO CAPITALIZE ON THAT MOMENT.
LIKE YOU HAD WHEN THE WRONG BEST
PICTURE WAS NOMINATED.
>> Jimmy: THAT SHOULD STILL BE
ON RIGHT NOW.
>> YEAH, IF THERE'S NOBODY
THERE.
FOR ME, I HAD, SOME OF MY BEST
MOMENTS WERE WHEN SOMETHING WENT
WRONG.
>> Jimmy: WHAT IS SOMETHING THAT
STICKS IN YOUR MIND ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT WENT WRONG?
>> I HAD TO INTRODUCE A 100-YEAR
OLD GIANT IN THE MOVIE INDUSTRY
NAMED HAL ROACH.
HE CREATED "OUR GANG" COMEDIES,
"LAUREL & HARDY".
AND HE WAS 100 YEARS OLD, AND I
WAS SUPPOSED TO INTRODUCE HIM.
HE WAS SITTING RIGHT IN THE
SECOND ROW.
AND HE WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO WAVE
ON THE OCCASION OF HIS 100TH
BIRTHDAY.
JUST STAND UP IF HE COULD, WHICH
HE DID.
AND JUST WAVE.
SO I SAID PROPER INTRODUCTION,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 100 YEAR
OLD GIANT OF THE MOVIE INDUSTRY,
WE ALL OWE HIM A DEBT OF THANKS,
THE ONE AND ONLY MR. HAL ROACH.
HE STANDS UP.
AND HE WAVES, AND HE HAS NO MIC.
AND THEN HE BEGINS TO TALK.
AND IT SOUNDED LIKE THIS TO
EVERYBODY IN, WE WERE AT THE
SHRINE, GOING THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I
JUST WANT TO SAY THE DAYS BACK
IN CULVER CITY, WHEN I HAD MR.
LAUREL, AND MR. HARDY, BACK, AND
WE WOULD RIDE DOWN THE BOULEVARD
AND MAKE MOVIES, AND THAT WAS A
BEAUTIFUL THING.
IN 1935, I MET CHARLIE CHAPLIN
FOR THE FIRST TIME.
AND WE HIT IT OFF, AND I SAID,
WHY DON'T WE DO, AND THAT'S HOW
FEATURE COMEDIES STARTED.
THEN CAME THE WAR.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> AND HE'S GOING ON AND ON, AND
HE'S GOT NO MIC.
AND SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW IS
OUR FRIEND WARREN BEATTY, AND
HE'S SITTING THERE GOING, AND
THE CYCLOPS IS ON YOU, THE
CAMERA'S ON YOU WITH THE RED
LIGHT.
AND LINES NOW ARE FLYING THROUGH
YOUR HEAD, SAY THAT IS C, DON'T
THAT.
THEN ONE HIT LIKE A SLOT MACHINE
IN VEGAS, AND I SAID IT'S VERY
FITTING, BECAUSE HE GOT HIS
START IN SILENT FILMS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: THERE YOU GO.
>> IT WAS ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS.
YOU PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.
>> Jimmy: YES, BECAUSE, YOU
CANNOT PREPARE FOR THAT.
THAT'S JUST YOU AND YOU'RE OUT
THERE.
I HOPE THAT HAPPENS AGAIN THIS
WEEKEND.
>> YEAH.
I HOPE, I HOPE THEY GET THE
RIGHT PEOPLE OUT THERE IN CASE
SOMETHING --
>> Jimmy: I HOPE THEY DON'T.
I HOPE IT'S A DISASTER.
>> OKAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE HAVE TO STICK
TOGETHER, KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
THESE JOBS ARE VERY FEW.
HOW'S YOUR WIFE JANICE DOING?
>> SHE'S GREAT.
SHE'S HERE.
>> Jimmy: OH, GOOD, SHE CAME
ALONG?
THINGS ARE GOOD, THINGS ARE ALL
RIGHT?
>> WE STILL ARE TOGETHER.
FOLKS, MY PROUDEST
ACCOMPLISHMENT, WE WILL BE
MARRIED 50 YEARS.
>> Jimmy: WOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
>> I WAS 7.
SHE WAS 6.
IT WAS AN ORTHODOX, YOU SEE THE
THING, WE HADN'T EVEN MET.
BUT WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A
VERY ODD THING THAT HAPPENED TO
US ABOUT SIX DAYS AGO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> ALL RIGHT.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
AND WE DON'T KNOW IT, BUT
OUTSIDE, A SKUNK HAS SPRAYED OUR
AIR CONDITIONING UNITS.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> SO, YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS
GOING.
SO THE HOUSE, WE BOTH WAKE UP
WITH THIS INCREDIBLY FOUL SMELL,
MY EYES WATERING, SHE LOOKS AT
ME, AND SHE SAYS "WHAT THE HELL
DID YOU EAT"?
I SAID THAT'S NOT ME.
WE'RE MARRIED 49 YEARS, SHE SAYS
"THAT IS YOU"!
SO IT'S A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE SMELL.
SO THE NEXT DAY WE CALL THE AIR
CONDITIONING GUY.
TO CHECK OUT HOW DO YOU CLEAN
THIS UNIT.
AND HE SAYS YOU GOT A BIGGER
PROBLEM THAN SKUNKS.
I SAID WHAT?
HE SAYS LOOK AT THOSE PAW
PRINTS.
DO YOU HAVE A DOG?
I SAID NO.
HE SAYS THAT'S A MOUNTAIN LION.
MOUNTAIN LION.
AND THERE'S LITTLE TUFTS OF FUR
AROUND.
I SAID, DID HE SCARE THE SKUNK
AND I SPRAYED?
NO, HE ATE THE SKUNK.
DO YOU IMAGINE HOW BAD THAT GAS
WILL BE?
>> Jimmy: REAL HUNGRY.
>> SO SORRY I HAD THAT SKUNK.
LET ME SQUAT IN SOME TOMATO
JUICE AND GET RID OF THIS.
SO NOW WE GOT THIS POTENTIAL,
YOU KNOW, MOUNTAIN LION.
AND, YOU KNOW, TERRORIZING THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.
AND WE'RE TERRIFIED.
SO WE GET THESE CAMERAS THAT ARE
NIGHT VISION CAMERAS THAT ARE
MOTION CONTROLLED SO IF ANYTHING
WALKS IN FRONT OF THEM IT TAKES
A PICTURE.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> TWO NIGHTS AGO, YOU WANT TO
TAKE SEE A PICTURE OF A MOUNTAIN
LION?
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS GUY.
IS AND HE'S WEARING A MAGA HAT.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOSH.
>> NOW HE'S GOT TWO STRIKES
AGAINST HIM.
>> Jimmy: THIS REALLY IS A
MOUNTAIN LION.
>> YEAH.
YEAH.
>> Jimmy: YOU NEED TO MOVE!
THERE'S NO, WHAT ARE YOU GOING
TO DO?
>> JANICE SAYS LET'S GET A DOG.
SAID YOU KNOW WHAT A DOG IS TO A
MOUNTAIN LION?
AN APPETIZER.
>> Jimmy: A DOG IS NOT
REQUESTIGOING TO
HELP YOU.
>> LISTEN, I LIKE DOGS, I HAD A
DOG AS A KID.
BUT AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE, I
TRAVEL A LOT.
IF I'M HOME AT NIGHT LATE AT
NIGHT, AND SOMEBODY'S GOING -- I
WANT IT TO BE MY WIFE!
[ APPLAUSE ]
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN, HAVE YOU
EVER SEEN ANYBODY LOOK HAPPY
WHEN THEY'RE WALKING A DOG?
>> Jimmy: NO.
>> THEY DON'T!
THEY DON'T, THEY LOOK MISERABLE.
THEY'RE WAITING FOR THIS THING
TO CARPET BOMB.
AND, YOU KNOW, AND YOU COULD BE,
I DON'T CARE.
DOESN'T MATTER HOW POWERFUL YOU
ARE, HOW MUCH MONEY, YOU COULD
BE A LAWYER, THE HEAD OF A
COMPANY.
YOU COULD BE THE QUEEN.
WHEN YOU'RE WAITING FOR A DOG TO
DO THAT, YOU'RE WORKING FOR THE
DOG.
>> Jimmy: 100%.
>> YOU COULD BE THE POPE, BUT
YOU'RE STILL A DOPE WITH A
PLASTIC BAG ON YOUR HAND WAITING
TO PICK UP POOP!
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
WE WERE AT THE WHITE HOUSE IN
2001.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> PRESIDENT BUSH.
>> Jimmy: RIGHT.
>> WE SCREENING A MOVIE I
DIRECTED CALLED "61."
AND IT WAS REALLY EXCITING, I
HAVE TO SAY.
AT THE END EVER THE MOVIE,
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID GOODNIGHT.
HE GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE
RESIDENCE AND THEY TOOK US ON A
TOUR OF THE WEST WING.
NOW IT'S ABOUT 10:30 AT NIGHT,
WE'RE LEAVING AND PRESIDENT BUSH
IS COMING DOWN FROM THE PRIVATE
QUARTERS, AND HE LOOKS LIKE ANY,
OH, MIDDLE-AGED FATHER WHO JUST
PUT IN A HARD DAY OF SCREWING UP
THE ECONOMY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SENDING US INTO A WAR WE
SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN IN.
YOU KNOW, JUST A DAY.
AND HE'S GOT HIS SLEEVES ROLLED
UP, AND HE LOOKED TIRED, BUT HE
WAS ACTUALLY A FUN GUY,
FORGETTING POLITICS.
AND HE'S WALKING TWO DOGS, AND
HE'S GOT A PLASTIC BAG IN HIS
HAND.
AND I'M THINKING, THIS IS THE
MOST POWERFUL GUY IN THE WORLD,
AND'S GOING TO PICK UP POOP.
AND THEN LATER I FOUND OUT THEY
WERE DICK CHENEY'S DOGS.
>> Jimmy: OH, MY GOODNESS!
BILLY CRYSTAL IS HERE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
>>> HEY, ROLLINS, RIGHT?
ROLLINS, HEY, HOW ARE YOU DOING?
>> ARE YOU EVERYWHERE?
>> I GET AROUND.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I DON'T EVEN KNOW.
>> WOW, YOU KILLED RORY.
>> I DIDN'T KILL RORY.
>> THAT'S WHY YOU WERE STRESSED.
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
>> YOU HAD HIS HANDS ON HIS
SHOULDER RIGHT BEFORE YOU
STRANGLED HIM.
>> HE DIED OF LEUKEMIA.
ARE YOU HIGH?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL AND BEN
SCHWARTZ IN "STANDING UP FALLING
DOWN", A VERY SWEET MOVIE, A
SN
NICE RELATIONSHIP.
TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT YOUR
CHARACTER.
>> I PLAY MARTY, AN ALCOHOLIC
POT-SMOKING DERMATOLOGIST, WHICH
IS VERY INTERESTING, BECAUSE I'M
NOT A DERMATOLOGIST.
IT'S A STORY OF THESE TWO, OH,
LOST SOULS.
THE WONDERFUL BEN SCHWARTZ.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, HE'S A NICE KID,
TOO.
>> HE'S THE REAL DEAL.
>> Jimmy: YOU GUYS HAVE BONDED.
>> WE'VE BECOME VERY CLOSE
FRIENDS.
>> Jimmy: YOU TOOK HIM TO THE
CLIPPERS GAME.
>> I'M LIKE HIS UNCLE.
I TOOK HIM TO CLIPPERS GAMES,
AND WE HUNG OUT.
HE'S AN AWFULLY FUNNY GUY.
HE'S ONE OF THOSE RARE GUYS THAT
YOU KNOW WAS RAISED WELL.
HE'S TERRIFIC.
>> Jimmy: IT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE
I'M GUESSING THAT YOUR
RELATIONSHIP WAS SIMILAR TO THE
RELATIONSHIP YOU HAVE IN THE
MOVIE.
>> HE'S A FAILED COMEDIAN, THE
CHARACTER.
BUT AREN'T WE ALL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND HE COMES TO ME WITH A RASH
ON HIS ARM, AND I HELP HIM OUT,
BUT THEN WE START TALKING.
AND I HELP HIM WITH HIS ACT BY
HELPING HIM WITH HIS LIFE.
AND HE HELPS ME BEGIN TO CLEAN
UP, AND WE START TO UNDERSTAND
EACH OR, AND I UNBURDEN MYSELF
OF ALL THE PAST THAT'S DRIVING
ME TO DRINK AND DO DRUGS AND ALL
OF THAT STUFF.
>> Jimmy: DOES IT FEEL ODD FOR
YOU?
I KNOW WE ALL THINK OF OURSELVES
AS JUST OURSELVES.
YOU DON'T REALLY ATTACH AN AGE
TO YOURSELF.
IS IT ODD BEING LIKE THE MENTOR
TO GUYS LIKE BEN?
OR, YOU KNOW, YOUNGER GUYS?
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S, FIRST OF ALL,
IT'S LOVELY JUST TO BE WORKING.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> AND WORKING WITH GREAT,
BRIL
BRILLIANT PEOPLE LIKE THAT.
I JUST ACTED WITH THE WONDERFUL
TIFFANY HADDISH.
>> Jimmy: YES, I KNOW YOU DID.
>> VERY EXCITED ABOUT THAT.
I DIRECTED THE MOVIE, CO-WROTE
IT, AND WE PLAY, WE HAVE A VERY
INTERESTING STORY TOGETHER.
AND THAT'S CALLED "HERE TODAY",
AND IT WILL BE COMING OUT LATER
THIS YEAR.
>> Jimmy: YES, I LOOK FORWARD TO
THAT.
>> I LOVED WORKING WITH HER, AND
I LOVED WORKING WITH BEN,
BECAUSE THEY BRING OUT THE BEST
IN YOU.
BECAUSE WE COME FROM DIFFERENT
TIMES, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KEEP BEING
REMINDED, YOU'RE OLDER, BUT YOU
KNOW WHEN YOU REALLY GET
REMINDED THAT YOU'RE OLD, MY
BIRTHDAY'S COMING UP IN MARCH.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> I'M A MEDIUM IN SOME THINGS
OR A LARGE IN OTHERS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVE TO TAKE MY WRITTEN
DRIVER'S TEST.
>> Jimmy: OVER?
>> YEAH.
>> Jimmy: WRITTEN!
>> THE WRITTEN TEST OVER.
THIS IS A NIGHTMARE.
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN DRIVING SINCE
I'M 18.
I'M GOING TO BE 72.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
>> AND I LOOK FABULOUS.
>> Jimmy: YOU DO.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> I HAVE NEVER GOTTEN A TICKET
EXCEPT I HAVE 11,000 PARKING
TICKETS.
I'VE NEVER GOTTEN A MOVING
VIOLATION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT,
BUT WHEN I TAKE THE PRACTICE
TESTS I WOULDN'T GET IN THE CAR
WITH ME.
>> Jimmy: ARE THE QUESTIONS
HARD?
>> YEAH, THEY'RE HARD, LET ME
SEE HOW YOU DO.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, GOOD, ALL RIGHT.
>> THIS IS A TRUE OR FALSE
QUESTION.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
>> THIS IS AN ACTUAL FROM THE
TEST.
ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DRIVING UNDER SNOWY OR ICY
CONDITIONS, YOU SHOULD MAKE
SPEED AND DIRECTIONAL CHANGES
MORE GRADUALLY THAN YOU WOULD
OTHERWISE.
>> Jimmy: YES.
TRUE.
>> THAT'S BROKEN YELLOW CENTER
LINE MEANS THAT YOU CAN PASS ON
THE LEFT IF THE ROAD AHEAD IS
CLEAR.
>> Jimmy: TRUE.
>> OKAY.
WHEN BEING FOLLOWED BY A
TAILGATER, WHICH FINGER DO YOU
USE TO TELL THEM TO BACK OFF?
>> Jimmy: I USE THE BIG ONE.
>> OKAY.
WHEN TAKING A SELFIE WHILE
DRIVING.
>> Jimmy: UH-HUH.
THIS IS ON THE TEST?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> Jimmy: OH, WOW.
>> SHOULD YOU BE IN THE PORTRAIT
MODE?
>> Jimmy: ABSOLUTELY.
>> THAT'S BETTER.
>> Jimmy: THERE ARE MORE?
>> YEAH, SOME MORE.
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING WELL SO
FAR.
>> YOU'RE GREAT.
>> Jimmy: OKAY, GREAT.
>> YOU'RE PUSHING 60.
>> Jimmy: MM-HM.
>> IN A SCHOOL ZONE.
WHAT IS THAT INFRACTION CALLED?
>> Jimmy: UH, SPEEDING, I GUESS.
>> NO, IT'S CALLED THE PRINCE
ANDREW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WE GOT TO GO OUT ON
THAT, RIGHT?
COME ON, ONE MORE.
>> THIS IS THE LAST ONE.
AND I THINK WE'VE BEEN GUILTY
ABOUT THIS.
WHEN PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED
SPACE.
HOW LONG AFTER YOU EXIT THE CAR
SHOULD YOU FAKE YOUR LIMP?
>> Jimmy: IMMEDIATELY.
>> IMMEDIATELY.
>> Jimmy: BILLY CRYSTAL,
EVERYONE.
"STANDING UP, FALLING DOWN"
PREMIERS IN THEATERS AND VOD
FEBRUARY 21ST.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH THE
TENDERLOINS.