Your seven key relationships third, spouse or partner.
When I first started talking about the seven key relationships. I actually called it five
key relationships. Because I took family as one. But I was always breaking that down into different
subcategories within family, not all family is created equal. And that's why we're doing seven
key relationships because each one deserves its own place. And this one is your most important
family relationship bar none. The relationship you have with your spouse, your significant other,
your partner. We hear it all the time. Family First. In fact, I tell my team that if there's
ever anything that's going on with their family that they need to attend to. That is by far more
important than anything we're doing here at live on purpose. Family first. Well, in the context of
our key relationships. I guess it's third because that's where family kicks in. But how do we
prioritize those family relationships? Let me give you a little context here. Because in my career,
I've had the opportunity to work with lots of families in lots of different contexts and
situations. Including some of the most difficult family conflicts that you can even imagine. For
13 years I did child custody evaluations for the court where I was identified as the expert
witness appointed by the court to go in assess the situation and make recommendations on how
these two divorcing parents could share their kids. And they never agreed on that topic.
That's yuck work. I found that a lot of people got into that situation because some of their
key relationships were placed out of order. One young couple that I worked with for example was
struggling through a child custody evaluation. If you back up a few years, it came from some
habitual patterns of her placing her relationship with her sisters above the relationship with her
spouse. Now, I'm not saying her sisters aren't important. In fact, we're going to get to them,
okay? Stick around, that's in another video. But I am saying that her relationship with her spouse
needs to be at a little higher level of importance or priority. And the reason for that goes back to
my fundamental belief. That your spouse or partner is the most important family relationship that you
have. This is the only family relationship that you enter into by choice. Have you noticed you
don't get to pick the rest of your family? But you do pick your spouse or your partner. And that is
the lasting more durable unit of the family. Think about your children for example. What
are we doing with our children? We're trying to raise them to the point where they can go
out and establish their own family by selecting a partner, a spouse, and creating another family
unit. So that couple that spousal relationship is the fundamental family unit. That's why I put it
at this level of importance. So, while we're on this level of relationship. I want to give you
three specific things that you can do to enhance or strengthen or maybe even save this particular
key relationship. Number one, choose love. I'm not talking about love as a feeling or some kind
of a poetic concept somewhere. I'm talking about it as a choice. And when you really look at it.
Every interaction you have with your spouse or partner will be on one side or the other. I don't
think there's a neutral option. I think it has to be either love or hate. No, I use the word
hate because people hate the word hate. But just consider for a minute if it's not love then what
is it? And I don't think there's a neutral option. Somebody challenged me on this once in a training
that I was doing with a group of couples in the room. What about indifference they said? Really?
If someone treats you with indifference. What does that feel like to you? Does that feel more like
love or more like hate? You with me? So, a little or a lot, it has to be one or the other. Now,
because that's so important, I'm going to give you three quick steps that you can ensure that
you're treating your spouse with hate. Okay, just stay with me for a minute. Here we go. Since you
don't even know what people are thinking. You have to assume the worst if you're going to make a good
hate choice, alright? Just assume that they're out to get you, that they want bad things to happen.
Practice Pride that's where you need to hang on to the fact that you're right. I had one of my
colleagues say what you can be right or you can be in a relationship. But if you want to make a hate
choice. Then you just hang on to being right, okay? Practice pride. And then third, think to
destroy. Think of ways that you can retaliate or maim or punish or hurt that other person. Okay,
that's a hate choice. And I emphasize that on purpose so that you'll see it. Now, what's the
contrast? What does it mean to choose love? Let's just use the three opposites, okay? Assume the
best. Assume the best. Since you you don't know, just assume the best and you will always be in a
better position even if you're wrong. Step two, practice humility. This is where we give up our
need to be right in exchange for being open. Just consider how that feels. And then third,
think to create. To build or lift or edify that other person. That's what I'm defining as a love
choice. Choose love. Here's your second tip for saving and enriching this particular key
relationship. Learn effective communication. This is something I work with couples with
all the time in our coaching programs or in my office. Effective communication is not easy to
do. In fact, there's so many things that can go wrong with communication that it's amazing we
even communicate in the first place. I've got five quick tips for you on the communication
front. First, don't be a bear. Don't come into a communication with your face all snarled up and
growling. Like you're about to eat them for lunch. Don't be a bear. How you show up will trigger
reactions in other people. And if you typically get a defensive reaction from somebody, it's
probably because they're feeling a little attacked by you. So, don't be a bear. Number two, don't see
a bear even if they're snarling. This is someone you love. You're not married to a bear. This is
someone you chose to spend your life with. So, don't see a bear even if they're snarling. Step
three is to eliminate the noise. Noise gets in the way of communication. And it can be anything from
actual physical noise in your environment. If the TV is on, turn it off. If you've got your phone in
your hand, put it down because that's visual noise and distraction noise. Do you see where I'm going?
Get rid of as much noise as you can. That's tip number three. Number four, listen to understand.
Most people go into a communication wanting to get their point across. That makes sense. I mean,
that's the goal of most communication. But if both people are doing that, nobody's listening.
You take the listener role first. You've got two ears and one mouth. There's probably a reason for
that ratio. So, you be first, okay? Take the higher road, you'll be the one to listen first
to understand. And then the last step, express to be understood. Notice the goal is the same it's
understanding. And understanding and agreeing are not the same thing. Don't get caught up in that.
Your communication will be much more effective if you simply seek to understand and then express to
be understood. You're not expressing to persuade or convince or rebut or debate. You simply want
to be understood. Okay, so, there's five quick tips for your communication. Now,
I've got one more for you. And this is the most powerful way that you can save or enrich this key
relationship with your spouse or partner. And I'm going to phrase it this way. Memorize the
nine principles. What nine principles you might be asking? Look, I've got you on this. Go to the
URL on the screen right now, drpauljenkins.com /nineprinciples. Number nine the word principles.
All one word and I will put this in your hands because you're going to need to have something
to refer to. Go grab the nine principles. Here's what they are. And I'm not going
to go into a lot of detail about them on this video. Because your task is simply to memorize
them. Why do I want you to memorize them? So, you'll have your tools on board. I remember a
trip with my family where we were in a rented truck and trailer. And I didn't have my tools
with me. We had a blowout on the side of the road in Wyoming. And I didn't have the tools
I needed to fix that problem. You want to have your tools on board so that any breakdowns that
come up in this key relationship you'll be ready to handle. So, here's what they are just without
explaining any of them. Positivity. Oh, big surprise, right? That's number one. Second,
values shared values. Third, humility which I define as giving up your need to be right
in exchange for being open. We already talked about that a little bit. Fourth,
forgiveness. Then after forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational
activities. There you go. Those are the nine. Get them on board, memorize those so that you have a
toolbox ready to fix. Any breakdowns that occur in this particular key relationship. You're welcome.