Transcriber: Madalena Vaz Reviewer: David DeRuwe
Creating a sense of home is a challenge that most of us struggle with.
This isn't about a physical home,
but the feeling of safety that we carry within ourselves.
This feeling of security, no matter where we are,
no matter what we’re going through in life,
grounds us and allows us to soar.
Growing up, the kitchen was one of those safe spaces where I could unwind,
laugh, and of course, eat.
It’s like that for so many of us
because that’s were the snacks live, or the coffee, or the wine.
I love to cook, so being in a kitchen has always been special to me.
I remember cooking the most with my grandmother,
and when we cooked together, she’d always show me how to do things,
but she also explained why we were doing them.
She’d explain why we were cleaning the chicken,
or why we were taking the tips off the green beans,
or why we were shredding the cheese the night before.
At the same time, if I got in the way of what she was doing, I would get fussed at.
It was what I would call a “loving fuss.”
It was never mean, and it didn’t hurt me.
In fact, I miss those fussing moments a ton.
In those moments, my grandmother was reminding me that, yes,
she was allowing me to cook in her kitchen,
however, I was still in her space, her kitchen.
Those moments in the kitchen with her gave me lessons on boundaries, awareness,
respect, accountability, and paying attention without even knowing it.
I didn't understand this at the time,
but what I’ve learned is when you understand why
you’re doing what you’re doing, you get buy in with yourself.
It’s no longer just a chore.
It’s something that you believe in and becomes a part of the process.
Fast forward 20 years or so,
as I sat in my kitchen one afternoon,
the hub of my family home,
holding my newborn in one arm, who was protesting naps that week,
and looking at my list of things to do in the other,
I realized I was beyond exhausted.
There was no amount of coffee or fresh air that could have helped me cope
with the continually growing mountain of responsibilities I had.
My clothes had stains on them from breastfeeding or eating.
Honestly, who knows? I just felt like a mess.
I was done feeling like I had to be everything to everyone
when I had nothing for myself.
For some reason, on this day, the “people pleasing,
just go ahead and do it” part of me was resistant to show up.
I didn’t want to keep pushing forward like nothing was wrong.
I looked around my kitchen and saw a jar of sugar,
and everything became incredibly clear.
I saw my kitchen as an energetic interpretation of my life.
The constant to-do list. The disorder. The chaos.
That feeling of always having something to do or someone to serve was all there.
At that moment,
I saw that I was accessible to anyone who wanted a piece of me,
whether it be my boss, my friends, or my family.
I realized that the sugar in the sugar jar represented my energy,
my time, my resources - anything that I could offer to anyone.
The jar represented the boundaries, the safety,
and had the responsibility of holding me together
while still being vulnerable as a glass jar.
I thought having a solid jar was the full extent of setting healthy boundaries.
I thought ensuring that my sugar was in the jar
was enough to keep the sugar protected,
but, I forgot about the lid.
The sugar was sweet and attractive to others,
and because the lid was off, it gave everyone permission to come in
and take what they needed, when they needed it.
And do you know why?
Because I didn't put a lid on my jar.
And in other words, it was my responsibility to put boundaries in place
and say no, and it was my fault that I never did.
Let me ask you a question: Have you ever tried to clean up sugar?
It gets in every single crevice,
and it’s hard to pick up each and every tiny granule.
When we begin the journey of maintaining our sugar jar, it can feel enormous.
You might feel like there are parts of you everywhere,
with no idea of how you are going to bring yourself back together.
But to get to the life we want, we have to start where we are in this moment,
and sometimes that means starting with cleaning up what’s in front of us
before we can move on to filling ourselves up.
As you’re losing parts of yourself,
it can be tough to overcome the feelings of resentment,
because you know there are some parts of you that you won’t ever get back.
Those pieces of sugar that have fallen into places you won’t ever be able to find
Most of you desire connective relationships that feel fulfilling
and add to your life in wonderful ways.
You want to have meaningful conversations and experiences
that are easy and feel joyful,
but when you enter your kitchen and look into your sugar jar
and realize it’s empty,
you also recognize that you don’t have enough energy
to spend time with the people or commitments that matter most to you.
In the real world, when you go to make your tea or your coffee,
you add sugar to it, so it dilutes the bitterness,
but when you find that your sugar jar is empty,
you’re left to sip on a bitter drink.
And guess what?
That bitterness leads into every area of your life.
There’s bitterness in your friendships, in your marriage, at work,
and even in the relationship with your children
because you have nothing left for yourself.
So the one question you need to ask yourself is:
How do I make sure that I never let my sugar jar go empty again?
You might be thinking, “Well, perhaps I can put my sugar in many different jars,
one for work, one for home, one for me,”
but we don’t have multiple sugar jars in our kitchen, do we?
Just like there are multiples of us.
You have one jar of sugar for everything and everyone that matters to you.
So how can we begin taking care of our sugar jar?
Our first responsibility is to maintain the sugar you already have
by asking yourself questions like: Do I want to say yes when I say yes?
Do I want to stay late when I stay late?
Do I want to remain in this relationship when I know it’s draining me?
Sometimes, because we’re afraid to let others down,
we choose to betray ourselves instead.
We choose the discomfort of keeping others happy
over the discomfort we feel within.
So take a moment right now and think about your sugar jar:
How full is your jar? Where or to whom do you give most of your sugar?
And most importantly, do you have any left for yourself?
Sometimes, it’s hard to pinpoint the circumstances that empty your jar
because the patterns, cycles, or routines that are draining you have become the norm
The good news is it doesn’t have to stay that way,
and the better news is that we can replenish what was lost.
On that day, in my kitchen,
I realized that we are responsible for the people who have access to us,
and how much of ourselves we choose to give away.
The amazing thing about realizing you’re responsible for your empty jar
is you also have the power to fill it.
Once you understand the importance of maintaining the sugar in your jar,
the next step is to own the power of choice that you have.
It’s true, we can’t control everything around us,
but it’s also true that we have more control
than we sometimes allow ourselves access to.
It’s incredibly liberating to give yourself the power of choice.
We struggle to set healthy boundaries,
when we don’t have awareness of the power we have
to say yes only when we really want to.
When we don't own our power to choose, we're more likely to overextend ourselves.
We give money we don’t have. We give time we don’t have.
And we stay in relationships long after we know they’re over.
We do these things out of the belief that this is what “good people” do.
This is what “kind people” do.
And then we carry the burden that we should be doing this too.
But the more important question is: Do you want to be doing this?
Yes, you said yes, but is this yes genuine?
or is it because you didn’t know you had a choice?
Our sugar jars never lie.
We may tell ourselves stories that skew our perception of how the truth shows up,
but our sugar jar will always clearly show when it’s empty.
When we’re honest with ourselves about the things that aren’t working for us,
we’re able to make useful changes.
For example,
being honest doesn’t mean that we’ll have to walk away from every relationship,
but it does mean we’ll give ourselves the freedom
to decide if we want to continue with things as they are.
Through honesty, we can explore how much of ourselves we’re dedicating to others,
and then shift how we show up in those relationships
so that our needs are met too.
How often have you committed yourself
to a to do list that doesn’t even have you on it?
Rows and rows of tasks that continue to deplete your sugar jar
with no end in sight.
To have the ease and the peace that so many of us desire,
we must prioritize ourselves.
Filling our sugar jar comes first so that we have the capacity
to dedicate ourselves to the things that we actually care about.
So let me ask you this:
What positive impact could you make on your life
by changing the way you interact with yourself?
Here’s something sweet for you to remember:
The acronym SUGAR is a reminder that you can
S - say no,
U - use your voice,
G - give to yourself too,
A - always check within,
and R - resist the urge to overgive.
If each one of us took the time to maintain our sugar jars,
we’d have the freedom that so many of us are seeking:
Freedom to nurture relationships.
Freedom to see new places.
Even the freedom to just be.
With a full sugar jar,
we can begin to build a life that we’re excited for every day.
I have learned that the most important thing you can do for yourself
is to be brave enough to choose to fill yourself back up again,
no matter how empty you’ve become.
So with that, I ask you:
How is your sugar jar?
Thank you for listening.