I'm gonna be honest with you guys,
I don't really like having company over my house,
I don't.
The reason why is because my house got robbed.
Whenever your house gets robbed,
it messes with you mentally.
It's all about protecting my household.
I'm the man of the house, I'm gonna protect my household.
So I went out, I bought nine guns.
Put 'em in secret compartments all over my house.
Understand something: you cannot put guns
in secret compartments in your house
without playing out fake scenarios in your head
that help justify you putting the guns in these places.
This is where you go crazy.
I was in the house for three hours by myself
acting out shit that never happened.
(audience laughs)
Oh! Ohhh! Shit
Oh shit!
This how you gonna do me?
Huh?
You gonna rob me at the front door?
Okay.
(audience laughs)
I'm gonna give you what you want.
Just let me check the mailbox one last time.
(audience laughs)
Gun compartment!
Ohhh! Shit!
This how you gonna do me? Huh?
You gonna rob me in the guest bathroom?
Okay.
I'm gonna give you what you want.
Just let me wipe my ass one last time.
(audience laughs)
Gun compartment!
(audience laughs)
Ohhh! Shit!
This how you gonna do me? Huh?
You gonna rob me in the kitchen,
while I'm cookin' for my family on Thanksgiving?
Okay.
I'm gonna give you what you want.
Just let me open the oven
and check on the turkey one last time.
(audience laughs)
Gun compartment!
Ohhh! Shit!
This how you gonna do me? Huh?
You gonna rob me in the living room
while I'm sitting on the couch, in front of the fireplace,
masturbating? Okay.
Okay.
I'm gonna give you what you want.
(laughs)
I'm gonna give you what you want.
Just let me log off of PornHub one last time.
(audience laughs)
Gun compartment!
(audience continues laughing)
Ohhh! Shit!
(laughs)
This how you gonna do me?
You gonna rob me in the laundry room?
While I'm taking my clothes out the washing machine,
putting them in the dryer?
(laughs)
Okay.
(laughs)
(audience laughs, applauds)
Hold on, I gotta get through it,
let me get through it.
This is my favorite joke, hold on!
(laughs)
You gonna rob me in the laundry room?
While I'm taking my clothes out the washing machine,
and putting them in the dryer?
Okay.
I'm gonna give you what you want.
Just let me add some fabric softener sheets.
Gun compartment!
(audience laughs, applauds)
(audience cheers)
(funky music)