Hello and welcome! My name's Heather, I'm a Registered Professional Counselor
and a certified life coach and I like to analyze different scenes from Gilmore Girls.
If you're new here, please subscribe to my channel for more videos like this. Today I'm going to be
analyzing Lorelei and Emily's fight during Rory's birthdays ,so let's get to the show.
Earlier in the episode. Emily made pudding for dessert at one of the friday night dinners and
Lorelei interprets this as a sign of Emily trying to show that she cares. So far in this season,
we see that Lorelai and Emily have a complicated relationship and it's very strained. So it's
rare when we see them getting along. While shopping for a birthday present for Rory,
we see that Emily is doubting herself and she's fairly self-conscious about her choices of gifts
and Lorelai is trying to encourage Emily to keep looking for the right gift for Rory.
Emily was able to find a gift for Rory and Lorelai is showing her support. We can see that they're
both trying to get along and it helps that they have a common goal in mind, which is to find a
gift for Rory. Sometimes being able to work together as a team to solve a problem or to
achieve a shared goal can bring people closer together. Let's take a look at the next scene
where Emily throws a birthday party for a Rory and invites all of her schoolmates from Chilton.
Since Rory is still new to Chilton, she hasn't made any close friends. She gets upset seeing
everyone there and takes it out on Emily. Instead of listening to Rory, Emily blames Lorelai for
Rory's behavior, criticizing her parenting abilities. So what's going on for Emily right
now? Well, she's probably feeling embarrassed that Rory made a scene and she might be feeling
hurt and confused as to why Rory is upset, but she shows it as anger. And instead of reaching out to
Rory and seeing what's going on or even reflecting on her own behaviors and taking responsibility,
she blames it all on Lorelai, who's just as confused as she is. Rory tries to make it up
to Emily by inviting her and Richard to her other birthday party and Emily rejects her offer. We see
that Emily is very cold to Rory and is being passive-aggressive. It's obvious that she's
upset with Rory and instead of talking about what happened, they ignore it. I wish Rory could have
apologized and explained to Emily what was going on for her. So she could have said something like,
"I really appreciate you throwing this party for me and I'm sorry I yelled earlier,
that wasn't okay at all and I apologize. I was just surprised that the students at my school
were invited and I don't really know them yet and some of them I don't even get along with.
I wish I could have told you this earlier, but you and mom were getting along so well,
I didn't want to jeopardize that. Having my classmates over made me feel really uncomfortable
and I was just hoping that we could spend the party with just our family." This could help
Emily understand how Rory is feeling and for her to also apologize and take responsibility for
her part by saying, "I'm sorry too. I should have asked you who you wanted at your party.
I assumed that they were all your friends and I didn't want to be rude and not invite them,
especially since I'm friends with a lot of their parents. I just wanted your party to be special
and I thought I was doing the right thing." I know it's really out of character for them to
communicate like this, so let's just use this as a learning opportunity for how we
can potentially communicate in our lives. Lorelai is trying to convince Emily to come to the party
and we see that Emily's pride is getting in the way. She mentioned that she was humiliated in
front of her friends and she doesn't want that experience again. It seems as though she doesn't
really understand why Rory acted the way she did and she's taking it personally as if Rory did it
on purpose and directed towards her. Emily is more concerned with her social image and
how others view her as opposed to how Rory is feeling and Lorelai expresses that that's how
she felt when she was a teenager. It's possible that Emily feels the need to control the situation
and others behaviors because she's trying to make sure everything reflects her social standards.
There are these rules in higher society that need to be followed; if you're hosting a party
you need to give a speech, you need to invite all your classmates even if you don't like them.
And what happens here is that when you have someone who disrupts these social norms,
Emily feels threatened. She's more concerned with how other people perceive her and making sure
that she has proper manners than throwing a party that Rory wants and we see her take another jab at
Lorelei's parenting. We can see that Emily isn't actually fine with the whole situation and she's
just saying that to try to end the discussion. Lorelai is trying to express how she thought Emily
has changed and that she thought she was trying to get to know who she was and who Rory was. I think
another way that Lorelai could have expressed this is to say that it meant a lot to her when
she thought that Emily was trying to get to know who they are. I think also deep down for a Lorelai
there's a part of her that really wants to connect with Emily and with the whole pudding thing,
I think she thought that there was hope, but now she's realizing that it's not intentional at all.
Not surprisingly, Emily gets defensive and she starts saying that she spent a fortune on the
party and she did it all for Rory. I think it's clear that Emily's heart was in the right place
and she really did try to make the party perfect for Rory. However, she tried to make it perfect
in her own way and not in a way that Rory would have appreciated. Lorelai could have used this
opportunity as a way to validate and acknowledge Emily's efforts as opposed to saying that this
isn't what Rory needed and that Rory needs Emily to accept her apology. Although that may be true,
it's important that during times of arguments for both parties to see from each other's
perspectives. Both perspectives are right in their own way and what's important is being
able to communicate functionally so the conflict doesn't escalate. What typically happens and what
we see in this scene is that they're not talking about the same thing and they refuse to understand
where each other is coming from. For example, Emily could have said that she was sorry for
inviting the other students from Chilton and that she should have asked Rory first, and in return,
Lorelai could have genuinely thanked Emily for putting in the time effort and money
for Rory's party. And usually when we're able to validate the other person's feelings or understand
where they're coming from and we're able to reflect that to them using empathic statement,
the conflict usually lessens. So now the argument has turned into a fight about their relationship.
Lorelai feels neglected by Emily and this can be quite painful as a child to feel that
your parents don't accept you and to feel like your parents never tried to know who you are.
It's possible that Emily thought of Lorelai as an extension of herself and her own identity,
which makes sense as to why she tries to control Lorelai. It's possible that Emily did try to get
to know Lorelai when she was younger, but the way she went about it just didn't translate
to Lorelai. So let's skip ahead to Rory's other birthday party and Emily and Richard show up. I
think this is the first time that Emily and Richard have been to Lorelai's house
and Emily is exploring Lorelai's room. I'm curious as to what's going on in her mind right now.
I feel really sad for Emily and I can only imagine what she could be feeling.
I think she's shocked that she didn't know that Lorelai broke her leg and I think she also feels
sadness that Lorelai didn't bother to tell her about the situation either. Perhaps for Lorelai,
it didn't seem like it was a big deal, but for Emily she may interpret this
as another example of Lorelai shutting her out of her life. Emily is already aware that there's
a disconnection in their relationship and this is more evidence of that it.
So that's the pattern of Emily and Lorelai's relationship and that after having a huge fight
they don't really discuss what the main issues are, however they find ways to move forward
without really resolving anything. This could have been a good opportunity for both of them to calmly
discuss what happened at the other party and it would have been a good opportunity for the both
of them to apologize to each other, as well. I also get a sense that Lorelai wanted to say that
it meant a lot for her and Rory that Emily and Richard showed up and I really wish that she did
say that, but it's typical of their relationship to not show any vulnerability. Emily is realizing
that Lorelai is right and that she doesn't know who she is and we see that there is a lot of
pain and sadness behind this. It's rare to see this side of Emily and we do see it a few times
throughout the series and I think this is what needs to be addressed between Lorelai and Emily.
Even Emily is unable to share more about this with Richard and so she quickly changes the
subject. There's a lot of pain and a lot of hurt on both ends and neither one of them
are sharing how they're feeling or finding ways to heal and move forward
so they could have a closer relationship. I think that deep down, they both desire to be
close to each other, but there's so much pain that they caused each other and both of them
are afraid to let their guard down and so their relationship is a constant battle with walls
being built up to protect themselves. Make sure to subscribe to my channel if you haven't already
and give this video a thumbs up. Don't forget to check out my other therapist reviews videos
and I look forward to seeing you in the next one. Until then, be kind and love yourself.