Hey everybody, welcome to "The Trench", my name is Christian, and today we're going to talk about getting vulnerable with others.
Last week, we explored how Christ on the Cross
shows us that vulnerability is about self-revelation. But it's not a self-revelation that seeks
to control, but rather exists to invite the other into a relationship of love. So let's
talk about what self-revelation means for us in our day-to-day lives. It may be easy to think
of vulnerability or self-revelation in terms of laying it all out there, or venting, or
calling it like it is, but that's not really vulnerability because it's not really self-revelation.
In fact, Doctor Brene Brown says, "That may be desperation or woundedness or even attention-seeking,
but it's not vulnerability." Self-revelation can only exist if there's something to reveal.
Laying it all out there doesn't leave anything closed or reveal-able. It's just self-exhibitionism.
It's personal and emotional diarrhea and it gets in the way of true relationships almost
as much actual diarrhea. Not that I know for experience. If when I first met my wife, I
said to her "Hello, my name is Christian. My dad ruined my childhood by taking me to
the circus and now I am definitely afraid of clowns"...well, then my chances of a second
date would have been pretty slim. This kind of self-exhibitionism, this laying out my
anxiety is right off the bat would have been more about me than about her or even us. It
wouldn't have been sharing, it would have been dumping way too much baggage on somebody
way too fast. It would have been trying to force intimacy where there was none. Or trying
to control a relationship that wasn't ready for that level of openness. But on the other
hand, true vulnerability, true love, is born out of risky self-revelation in the context
of an intimate and trusting relationship that grows more intimate and more trusting over
the course of time. It''s really a pretty simple cycle. Self-revelation begets intimacy
and trust. Intimacy and trust beget deeper self-revelation, which begets even deeper
intimacy and trust. Authentic self-revelation is both pushed along as a relationship develops
and actually helps a relationship develop in deeper trust. As my wife and I continue
to grow in our life together, in our marriage and in our friendship, the love and trust
that we have grows deeper as we continue to take risks of opening to one another our stories
of longing, of lost, of hurt, of pain, and of shame. As I continue to reveal myself to
my wife, she continues to know me ever more deeply. So there are actually some things
that she knows about me that nobody else does. This means that there are different relationships
with varying levels of intimacy that demand different degrees of self-revelations. Jesus
had twelve Apostles. Of those twelve, only three saw Him Transfigured, seeing Him as He
is. So too do only a select few, get to see me for who I am. There are things I share
with my friends that I wouldn't share with strangers. And things that I share with my
wife that I wouldn't share with my friends. But either way, opening up those things, sharing
my pain and my weakness is absolutely terrifying. It's terrifying because it involves letting somebody
actually know me so they can actually love me. But simply being known doesn't necessarily
mean that I'll be loved. I can still be rejected. This is why I love Brene Brown's definition
of vulnerability as uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. It's scawy, vewy vewy scawy.
Vulnerability moves us to directly into uncertainty because we have no idea how
somebody else is going to respond to us. We may end up getting hurt, leaving us feeling
like vulnerability is just weakness. But it's not weakness. It's deeply courageous. I am
afriad of scorpions, like legitimately terrified of them. I mean, look at them. They're basically
the armored tanks of the arachnid world. And they can fit trough cracks thinner than the
size of a credit card. And they can glow in the dark under black-light because they're
made out of pure evil. And they hang from the ceiling before they stealthily fall into
your bed. Your bed for the love of God your bed! Scorpions are scary but I don't prove
that I'm brave enough to deal with scorpions by moving away from them or not dealing with
them or by asking somebody else to do it for me. The only way that my courage can be made
manifest over the thing, is to deal with it. To go head to head in mortal combat with the
evil beast. And even if I get stung in the midst of my act, it does not mean that I was
weak--I was courageous. The same is true about vulnerability. It takes guts to open yourself to
someone. It takes guts to risk getting hurt. Vulnerability is not weakness, it is deeply
courageous. To avoid vulnerability, to avoid relationship, is actually what is weak and
cowardly. And it leads to death of the spirit. As C.S. Lewis writes "To love it all is to
be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly wrung and possibly broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even
to an animal... lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that
casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it
will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." If we don't take risks, if we never open our
hearts, if we never let someone know us, if we never risk loving and losing, or loving
and not being loved back, then we may never experience hurt, but we will also never experience
love. That said, I'm not going to go around picking fights with scorpions. Nor am I going
to go around sharing all the intimate details of my life with any stranger I may meet. Vulnerability
is terrifying because we don't know what's going to happen when we open ourselves up
to somebody. It's putting our hearts in the hands of someone else without manipulating
or controlling or forcing ourselves on them. It's giving them the choice to accept or reject us.
Mastering the art of vulnerability takes practice and it's really hard to do. But it's
essential for deep and intimate relationships. But the good news is that even as we stumble
around in vulnerability, practicing and likely failing and letting ourselves be known by
others, there's Somebody who already knows and loves us both. And He has promised that
He will never reject us. So join the fight. Live Orthodoxy. Remember to like and subscribe
and join the rest of us inside the trench.