Ah, shit.
That's a lot of clapping.
All right, it's the lady portion of the show.
And, yeah, I w-- oh it's exciting.
I wish I had a dick too.
I do.
Do you like your penis, young man?
You love it.
Yeah, ya do, ya dirty fucking pervert.
Yeah, ya do.
Men, you guys are taught to be proud of yourselves sexually,
right? Like, your dad pulls you aside, how old?
Like 12, 13, right?
He's like, you're a man now.
You're a man.
I want you to get out there and I want you to beat off,
young man, you're a man now.
Nobody ever pulls their daughter aside.
Like, tiny circles, little lady, tiny circles.
Yeah!
Yeah, make mommy proud.
Get out there and diddle, little girl.
I didn't know.
I honestly didn't know that men didn't experience shame with sex
the same way that women do.
Until one day, my best friend, he called me one morning at
like 5:00 am and he woke me up.
He was like, "April.
April.
I had sex with this old woman last night."
And, then he said, "after I had sex with her, she gave me stew
to take home in a Cool Whip container."
I was like, that's really gross.
Why are you waking me up with this shit?
And, he said, "'cause I want you to come over for stew."
He wasn't ashamed.
He kept calling the stew, his old lady crockpot sex treats.
And, it was delicious.
All right.
This next joke, it's not even about you fellas.
It's about other guys outside this room.
That's who we're gonna talk about, so don't get sensitive,
all right?
You're already fucking sensitive.
Here we go.
Guys when they're going down on a lady, don't they think
they're doing big things down there?
The reaction sums up where you guys are at.
No, not you fellas.
Other dudes in the greater Tri-state area.
Other dudes are always off their mark, aren't they?
They're like an inch too high or two inches too low.
And, I get it, it's a very small mark.
So, guys try to cover a lot of ground to get to it.
Just down there, real enthusiastic.
Like, woo woo.
Shocker, shocker, shocker, shocker.
Shocker.
That's two in the pink and one in the stink right there.
That's the shocker.
That's what they call it.
The shocker!
You know what would be a shocker, is if he knew where
the fuck your clit was.
That'd be a shocker.
And you guys, guys, you guys like to watch, right?
When your lady's going down on you, doing her lady business?
You fellas like to watch?
Yeah?
Guys like to watch because women love their men.
They love you guys.
They wanna please you.
They want you to think they're sexy.
And, that's why, when we're going down on you and we feel
your eyeballs just burning...
Just burning the top of our skull,
all women do the same thing.
He's looking down like, "aw shit."
He's looking down, so what do women do?
We look up.
We make eye contact.
And, then we give you that sexy, sexy look.
Like we're in the middle of a Mexican soap opera.
Brrrrr!
Chimichanga.
But, when a guy's down there.
I don't know what you ladies do, but this is what I do.
He's down there.
I like to stay very still.
Kinda like a chalk outline or a scarecrow, either one.
You take your pick, all right?
I stay very still and I keep my eyes closed.
'Cause you guys look creepy as shit.
It's true.
'Cause when a guy's going down on you, all you ever see is just
two eyeballs just staring at you.
Just two eyeballs.
You guys look like an alligator coming out of the water.
Just (growls).
I'm an alligator.
I'm ripping apart a chicken.
All right, I'm April Macie, thank you guys so much.
(applause)