If you fly at all, you may have had to share a row with an
emotional support animal.
You've seen the tags on dogs and cats, but it's not uncommon for
people to register support pigs,
goats, or monkeys, or even more exotic things.
"Maybe you heard the story of the woman who tried to bring her
emotional support peacock on an airplane.
Well, after United told her no, the airline is tightening the
rules on comfort animals."
"The bird lives with an artist in Brooklyn who claimed Dexter
was her emotional support animal."
"I got him originally for an art project, but then this happened
and I was like, 'do I have a peacock cuddling in my neck?' yes I do."
Oh, please. Something tells me the peacock is doing a lot of the heavy lifting for your shit personality.
And what emotional support can a peacock give? They're
pretentious assholes!
Personally, I'd rather have a support camel. Beause at least a
camel can do a spit take when you say something shocking.
Like, hey camel! Did you know a vagina in yoga pants is called a camel toe?
There are big differences between support animals and legitimate service animals. For one,
the Americans with Disabilities Act says that only dogs can be service animals.
Second, service dogs actually do stuff. Like keeping blind people from getting run over.
Support animals do not.
"Under federal law, an animal whose sole function is to provide comfort or emotional support does not
qualify as a service animal. However, almost any animal can qualify
as an emotional support animal with proper documentation from a medical physician."
"it's very uplifting. It-uh-it's life changing to -- you don't realize it at first
but they do make a big impact."
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, of course it's uplifting to have a pet.
That's why we have them! They make us feel good!
No one has a dog that's crippling their self esteem.
You wouldn't go into an animal shelter and say, "do you have
any pets that are trying to shake their heads and fat shame me when I eat a donut?"
Passing a pet off as a service animal can actually threaten the rights of
people who really do need them.
"This is not a victimless hoax. Advocates say they fear that poorly behaved pets on planes
give people who really need emotional support animals a bad name."
"The Marine Corps veteran was shot twice in Afghanistan
and now he has to go to extremes just to prove that Liberty is his legitimate service dog."
"Have you ever lifted your shirt to show your battle scars?"
"Yeah, I've done that. I've done that a couple of times."
This guy got shot in the stomach and needs a service animal to help him.
You need an emotional support animal because sometimes you feel awkward talking to new people!
Well, guess what?! That's all of us!
We all hate talking to people!
There are staff members on this show--we're on episode 29
It's been too long! I can't ask their names now. It's too awkward!
Isn't that right, camera man 2?
I wanna say Dave. I do.
Everyone is sad and anxious and depressed. It's called life.
But people take advantage of the system and bring their pets
all kinds of places where they don't belong.
"This woman pretends to be blind
just so she can take her pets shopping."
She's not pretending that hard.
Her fake seeing-eye dog is in the cart!
That's not how it works!
What's the dog supposed to do, bark orders, like--
Left, left, left! Right, right, right, right!
Oh, no, no, no! Don't buy your frozen goods first!
Wait til you're done shopping. Ice cream will melt!
There's no certification required for emotional support animals.
They don't need any kind of training.
Basically, any garbage pet can qualify.
"Currently, there are no rules at the Department of Transportation as to what constitutes
an emotional support animal. There's not even a rule on how many animals a person can bring on any one flight."
One. You get fucking one.
Alright?
If one support animal isn't doing the trick, the problem isn't the number of animals.
That's how you end up being someone with 50 fucking cats going, "oooh, I'm still sad!"
"Maybe another cat--" NO! NO IT WON'T!
A CAT WON'T FILL THE HOLE INSIDE YOUR HEART!
You do it with alcohol and drugs like a reasonable person!
There isn't even a central registry to support these animals.
It's all just make believe.
"Swainson logged into one of the many sites offering counseling
services. The questionnaire was complete in less than 5 minutes."
"2 weeks later, a letter confirming his dog as an emotional support animal arrived."
>>This vest is for you.
"Along with that official looking vest."
It's horrible that people can take advantage of services for disabled people just by spending
5 minutes on a website.
But it truly is that easy.
If I really wanted to, I could register anything as an emotional support animal.
And I know, because I did.
This is Carl!
Carl is now an officially registered emotional support camel.
Here is his very official picture ID.
Featuring a photo that we uploaded after googling "pictures of camels".
As a matter of fact, we didn't think it'd be so easy so we reached out to multiple websites
and now Carl is registered twice with two different services.
He is doubly emotionally supportive.
Now I can take Carl on a plane or if I rent an apartment, it
doesn't matter if the other residents have some sort of camel allergies.
This is a half-ton medical necessity!
Now--
did I take this joke a little too far? Yes! Of course!
Did I do this segment just so I could have a camel on this show?
Fuck yeah!
To be honest--
to be honest, I wanted a bear for this bit but the animal wrangler said
bears can't perform in front of live audiences for safety reasons.
Carl's pissing himself, by the way!
Either way, I feel less anxious by the second.
We'll be right back!