>> THIS YEAR THEY HELD A NATIONWIDE CONTEST TO FIND A NEW
METEOROLOGIST. MAKING HER LIVE DEBUT IS OUR OWN
DAWN LAZARUS. WHAT'S THE WEATHER LOOKING LIKE?
>> HELLO AND THANK YOU TO YOU. LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT
WEEKEND. BIG SUNNY SKIES FOR YOU.
ALL THE WAY NEXT WEEK AND YEAH, THAT'S A WOW.
THIGH ARE GOING TO PUSH IT AND THEY WILL COME DOWN.
>> WHAT WAS THAT? >> I WILL TELL YOU, RAIN IS ON
THAT WAY, BUT IT CAN HOLD ON FOR A FEW MORE DAYS.
YOU BET. SUNNY SKIES PUSH IT AWAY AND
CLOUDS -- SUNNY SKIES PUSH IT AWAY AND CLOUDS STARTING FOR
THURSDAY. >> I DON'T GET IT.
YOU WERE GOOD IN THE AUDITION, BUT THIS IS VERY DIFFERENT.
>> THE FIRST TIME IT'S ON THE CAMERAS AND IT'S A BIG NERVOUS
ONE, OKAY? >> I SEE.
YOU WERE SAYING SOMETHING ABOUT RAIN ON THE WAY?
IS THAT RIGHT? >> HALF.
>> CAN YOU SAY MORE ABOUT THE RAIN.
>> PRECIPITATION IS GOING TO HAVE IT.
IF I'M YOU, CANCEL THAT PICNIC AND GET OUT THE UMBRELLA.
WE HAVE IT WAIT FROM HERE TO HERE.
AND SKY SKY SKY. >> WE GAVE THAT A SHOT.
DAWN LAZARUS, EVERYBODY. >>> THE WHITE HOUSE CELEBRATED
CINCO DE MAYO ON FRIDAY BY GIVING AWAY HUNDREDS OF FREE
TRIPS TO MEXICO. >>> MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL
CONDEMNED THE UNACCEPTABLE RACIAL SLURS IN BOSTON.
THE ONLY PLAYS FOR RACISM IN BASEBALL IS ON THE HATS.
IN TOTAL, 34 PEOPLE WERE REMOVED FROM FENWAY PARK.
YOU KNOW HOW COMFORTABLE RACE HAS TO BE FOR 34 STRANGERS TO
LOOK AROUND AND SAY I THINK I CAN YELL THE N WORD HERE.
CURT SCHILLING BELIEVED THAT JONES IS LYING.
COME ON, CURT. IS IT THAT HARD TO BELIEVE?
NOT EVERYBODY IN BOSTON IS RACIST.
NOT EVERYBODY IN SAN FRANCISCO IS GAY, BUT IF ADAM JONES SAID
QUEEN, THAT'S LOW FOR SAN FRANCISCO.
LAWMAKERS IN OKLAHOMA WANT TO MAKE IT LEGAL FOR GUN OWNERS
TO -- WE ARE GETTING BREAKING NEWS.
>> BREAKING NEWS. >> IT'S A MAJOR TROPICAL
HURRICANE. WE ARE TALKING WIND.
>> DAWN, YOU ARE BACK? WHY ARE YOU BACK?
>> LET'S LOOK AT THE 3D. WIND SPEEDS AND IT'S IN DANGER.
>> IS IT EVEN HURRICANE SEASON RIGHT NOW?
>> HAPPEN. >> DID YOU MAKE UP A HURRICANE
BECAUSE YOU ARE NERVOUS? >> THAT'S IN YOUR NECK IN THE
WOODS. >> DAWN LAZARUS, EVERYBODY.
>> A WOMAN ARRESTED FOR DRUNK DRIVING IN PENNSYLVANIA FALSELY
TOLD POLICE HER NAME WAS HILLARY CLINTON.
POLICE KNEW IT WASN'T HER THOUGH BECAUSE HILLARY CLINTON WOULD
NEVER GO TO PENNSYLVANIA. A PIPE OVER NEW YORK'S PENN
STATION BURST THIS WEEK RAINING DOWN RAW SEWAGE ON COMMUTERS, AN
EVENT COMMUTERS CALL AN IMPROVEMENT.
SUMMER IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
MANY PEOPLE ARE PLANNING THEIR SUMMER VACATIONS.
NOT OUT OF PENN STATION. HERE IS SOMEONE WHO RECENTLY
WENT ON A VACATION TO ROME, LESLIE JONES.
>> I WANT TO GIVE YOU SOME GOOD, GOOD LOVING.
YEAH. HELLO, COLIN JOST.
>> WOW. THAT'S VERY FORMAL.
I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE YOU LITTLE VANILLA BEAN.
>> I'M SORRY. I DON'T NEED TO DO THAT ANYMORE.
I AM NO LONGER THIRSTY. FINALLY THE NATIONAL CRISIS IS
OVER. I MET SOMEONE.
NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF I EVER MENTIONED THIS TO YOU BEFORE,
BUT I HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE IN THE MEN DEPARTMENT.
I DID WHAT ANY BLACK WOMAN WITH MAN TROUBLE, FREE TIME, AND A
PASSPORT WOULD DO. I WENT TO JAMAICA.
AND I DID EVERYTHING. I GOT MY HAIR BRAIDED, I SMOKED
A LITTLE WEED, COCONUT OILED MYSELF UP, SMOKED A LOT MORE
WEED. I PUT ON A LITTLE ALLEN DRESS
WITH THE FRINGES THAT MAKE YOUR BOOTY LOOK THICK.
>> NICE. WOULD YOU SAY YOU GOT YOUR
GROOVE BACK? >> NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.
LOOK AT ME. NEVER.
>> SORRY. >> SO I WENT TO THE CLUB AND IN
THE FIVE MINUTES I WAS NOT LOOKING, A REAL MAN WALKED UP
THE STAIRS AND FOUND ME AND IT WAS -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> YES, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
TELL ME MORE ABOUT IT. DETAILS, DETAILS.
>> LET ME EXPLAIN. FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME IN THAT
SHOWER, I SHOULD IN A TINY ROOM WITH A TINY TABLE SITTING AT A
TINY CHAIR, WRITING ON A TINY PIECE OF PAPER IN TINY LETTERS.
>> WAIT. WHY?
>> BECAUSE IT WAS SACRED. WE DID THE DO NOT EVERYWHERE.
ON THE BALCONY, IN THE HAMMOCK. IN THE CLIFFS WITH A BUNCH OF
SEA CREATURES EVERYWHERE. COLIN, HAVE YOU EVER HAD SEX
WITH A BUNCH OF CRABS WATCHING YOU?
>> I HAVE NOT. >> THE CRABS ARE LIKE -- NOW, I
USED TO HATE WHEN MY FRIENDS SAY YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FIND A MAN
UNTIL YOU STOP LOOKING. I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING.
I WAS ADVERTISING MY AS LIKE A BEGINSU KNIVES.
THIS BOOTY CAN CUT THROUGH A CAN AND STILL SLICE THROUGH A TOMATO
AFTERWARDS. IN JAMAICA I REALIZED I DIDN'T
NEED TO TRY SO HARD. ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS BE ME.
>> THAT'S GREAT ADVICE. I'M HAPPY TO HEAR THAT.
I FEEL LEFT OUT, I GUESS. >> OH, COLIN.
YOU ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO BRING IT BACK TO YOU, DON'T YOU.
SELFISH AS. YOU DELICIOUS COCONUT MILK
SHAKE. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY VANILLA
BACK UP. AND YOU CAN ALWAYS COME OVER AND
WATCH ME LIKE ONE OF THOSE CRABS.
>> LESLIE JONES, EVERYONE. THAT'S WEEKEND UPDATE.