This is what I chose.
A 1980s Mercedes SL.
Partly because it's the very essence
of quiet, urban restraint,
taste and elegance.
It's a car that was driven by Bobby Ewing in Dallas.
Mostly, though, I chose it because
it would fit more snugly on the Discovery chassis.
(TOOLS WHIRRING)
This time, the men worked tirelessly
for nearly a whole day
to marry the two cars
and the result was spectacular.
It's a car I have justifiably called...
The Excellent.
The internal organs from a Landrover Discovery
mated to the beautiful skin of a glamorous Mercedes SL.
To create a vision of pure...
What's the word?
- OTHERS: Rubbish. - It's not rubbish.
RICHARD: Did you paint it with a brush or a bucket?
It's got those headlights that swivel when you go round a bend.
So they point at the road.
OK, let me ask you this.
Which would you rather have?
The Excellent or that Porsche?
BOTH: That Porsche. - Why?
Because it's better in every single way.
To prove my cynical colleagues wrong,
I invited them to go for a drive.
Oh, kind.
See? It's an optional extra for the shorter gentleman.
- Are you comfy, Hammond? - No.
- Is this as in as I can get? - Yep.
- Right, listen to this. - (ENGINE STARTS)
Oh, no, it moves!
We'd only gone a few miles before Richard and James
completely changed their minds
and realised that The Excellent was the best car
they'd ever been in.
No, we haven't. Stop saying things
in voiceover that aren't true.
I thought you'd changed your mind.
No! Maybe a bit. It's worse than I thought.
- Can I put the heater on? - That's not connected.
- Is it not? - No.
- What's that dial down there? - Speedometer.
Why have you got that one, not that one?
- That doesn't work. - Has it got a fuel gauge?
- Not as such. - Has it got a temperature gauge?
Not really.
There's a lot of wires hanging out of the dash
that aren't connected to things.
You haven't given it an interior.
(HE LAUGHS)
RICHARD: I can see the road. JEREMY: I can as well.
RICHARD: No, there's a hole in the floor.
While Hammond and May had one or two minor issues,
they both agreed that if I were to put my car into production,
it would make me a fortune.
No, we didn't agree to that, either.
JEREMY: Look, I've done the maths. Honestly.
The Discovery was £2,500.
Mercedes £4,500. £7,000 for the work.
That's 14,000 quid. I could sell this for £120,000.
- No, you couldn't. - Yes, I could.
A Cayenne Turbo is 120.
A Cayenne Turbo is a proper car built by Porsche.
This is two scrap cars glued together by a Muppet.
It isn't designed for people like you.
What, people with eyes?
People who can dress themselves in the morning?
JEREMY: I'll tell you exactly who will buy this car.
People who use roundy-ended scissors.
Footballers.
- No, they won't. - Footballers like Ferraris.
Yeah, and Bentleys and Range Rovers.
- And Aston Martins. - Not this thing.
To prove them wrong again,
I decided to head for the nearby Chelsea training ground.
These are people who understand cars, not like you two.
JAMES: Yeah, they understand cars, that's why they buy
Range Rovers and Aston Martins.
JEREMY: They buy those things
cos they didn't know that you could do this.
- I like my car. - RICHARD: It's shit.
They're flocking to it, aren't they?
- You just watch. - Do you mind
if I go and stand next to something else?
Soon some players arrived,
which gave Richard and James a chance
to show off their footballing knowledge.
You're really tall. You should play in goal.
Yeah, I do, I play in goal.
- I'm the goalkeeper. - I know that.
What part of Chelsea are you from?
- I'm from Belgium. - Oh.
How do you know they're footballers?
Well, do you not recognise them?
They're in football outfits.
He doesn't recognise you.
Where's... Where's Alex Ferguson?
Why don't we ask him?
At this point I dismissed my ignorant colleagues
so that I could operate the subtitle machine.
(HE SPEAKS FRENCH)
- Can you do keepy-uppy? - Yeah.
Take a shot at me.
Well, that's ridiculous. What can I do with that?
You're supposed to jump.
...flipping horrific.
So you've butchered a classic car?
Right, watch this. Little toss...
No.
You need to think of...
(CREAKING)
(ENGINE IDLES)
- Ow. - Saved.
(HE SPEAKS PORTUGUESE)
Having established
that all top professional footballers loved my car,
we got back on the road.
Did you get any orders?
I noticed that the car park
was still full of Mercedes G-Class.
- I saw that. - Listen.
I could put this into an auction,
one of those posh, up-market ones,
and it would sell for £120,000.
It would not!
To prove them wrong again...
(LIVELY CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Gentlemen, people are examining...
RICHARD: Yeah, they are the organisers.
JAMES: They're wondering about their carpet.
"Handcrafted by a renowned British atelier...
sympathetically marries the chassis with..."
- Did you write this? - Course I wrote it.
"The interior would benefit from some minor attention."
- Well, it would. - With a hand grenade.
Lot number 132.
Soon the auction was under way.
Ferrari 308 GTB, at £118,000.
Lot number 127, start me with this at 300,000.
And many of the punters were happy
to pay six-figure sums for the cars on offer.
At 270,000.
285 for the Countach.
The Countach just went for £285,000.
I think I'm gonna sell The Excellent
for more than that.
And then it was time.
Moving on to lot number 138A.
The Excellent.
It's a fantastic handcrafted,
very unusual machine, as you can see.
I don't want you...
Beautiful, stylish Mercedes Benz coachwork.
- Very unusual, unique... - Unusual?
Here for sale this afternoon.
Start me if you will on this at...
£425.
At £425...
Any advance at 400?
£500. 550 anywhere?
- RICHARD: Somebody's bid? - 600 here.
650. 650. 700 now.
We're rattling up.
AUCTIONEER: 700 here. 700. 800 now.
Let's go for 1,000.
(SILENCE)
Let's get going. Come on, let's sell this car.
- £1,000 here on my right. - Are you bidding?
- No. - Jeremy, are you bidding?
AUCTIONEER: 2,000 if you wish.
It's 2,000 and five. Two, five.
3,000 now. It's 3,000 here. Three, five anywhere?
Three, one.
At 3,100.
£3,200.
At £3,500.
- It cost me 14,000. - 4,000.
At £4,000...
At £4,000, any more?
(SILENCE)
At £4,000.
Come and see us after.
You just lost ten grand.
He could have just thrown it down the lavatory.
(AUCTION CONTINUES)