-Hello. Hi. Okay.
Yeah, I'm Nimesh Patel.
I'm the number-one Google result if you Google
"Nimesh Patel."
I only found this out when my mom called me
and then she Googled me, and she said,
"Nimesh, you're the number-one Google result
if you Google 'Nimesh Patel.'"
I said, "You're damn right."
And then she said, "Every other Nimesh Patel is a doctor."
Where did I go wrong? Then she hung up the phone.
So, she's cool.
I love my parents.
I go to see them from time to time.
I went home last weekend to see my mom and my dad.
My mom picks me up from the bus stop,
but she'll never go straight home.
There's always like 40 errands between me
and the food that's waiting for me.
And this last time I went home, my mom picks me up.
She says, "Nimesh, I have to go to the bank.
This will be 2 minutes." I said, "This again?
All right, let's go to the bank."
Go to the bank.
I'm sitting in the car for 20 minutes.
And I call my mom.
I said, "Mom, I hope this is a hostage situation.
'Cause, otherwise, you're wasting my time."
She said, "Nimesh, how old are you?"
I said, "32."
She said, "That's how many of my years you wasted."
Then she hung up again. So...
That's a good burn.
I went to see my dad, 'cause it was his birthday.
And I got him a gym membership for his birthday.
And I took him to the gym and I discovered he's the kind of guy
that will follow around someone who's hired a personal trainer
and then just do those exercises.
[ Laughs ]
That's the best guy on the planet.
My parents are Indian, if you can't tell,
if you're stupid or something.
It's a weird time to be an Indian person in this country.
I'll tell you that much.
'Cause it feels like, at any moment,
black and white people are about to go to war,
and Indians are gonna have to choose.
I don't know what side to be on, quite frankly.
It feels like mom and dad are getting divorced, you know?
And dad's really cool, but mom's got all the stuff, so...
I just saw this movie
that defines race relations real well.
I saw "Get Out." You guys seen it?
It's great. It's a phenomenal movie.
If you haven't seen it, it's a horror movie.
It's about a black guy that goes to see
his white girlfriend's parents,
and they end up being mad white.
Like, crazy white. It's a horror movie.
It's the most successful horror movie
written and directed by a black director.
You watch that horror movie.
Then you watch a white horror movie,
like "Paranormal Activity,"
and you realize the difference in the genres.
Like, real subtle.
In a black horror movie, the monster is racism.
In a white horror movie,
the monster is a house you could just leave.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"We're not giving up on this mortgage, Tabitha.
Not today."
I saw the movie with my quite white girlfriend.
And then we went to see her parents the next day,
and I was very suspicious.
I've been with my girlfriend for about four years now,
so we fight in public.
That's all that means.
I've discovered that the best place to have an argument
with your girlfriend is in the back of an Uber,
because you have a judge.
And he usually goes with whoever ordered the car.
If my girl and I are fighting, I will call an Uber to nowhere
and I'll text the driver like,
"Hey, man, you better be on my side, bro.
There's some stars riding on this one for you."
My girl and I, the other night, are in the back of this Uber,
and we're arguing.
And the driver is dead-quiet.
And then we get to our destination.
My girl gets out.
Driver turns around and looks at me and says, "Hey, man,
I agree with you."
Not enough stars for that review.
I wrote Uber a letter.
I was like, "I'm never taking a Lyft or a cab ever again.
I want this specific Muhammad guy every time."
'Cause, look, sometimes,
you need a stereotype to be true, okay?
My Middle Eastern friends -- great guys.
But when you're fighting with your girlfriend,
you want the opinion of that one Middle Eastern guy
that doesn't believe in women's rights on your side.
[ Audience groans ]
You guys got tense, but I'm not wrong.
It's wrong, but I'm not wrong.
"Oh, you think I should do the dishes.
[ Laughs ]
Let's see what this dude from Qatar has to say."
All right, thank you very much. I'm Nimesh.