♪ (SOFT LUTE MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
JOANNA: Ugh, I can't believe
the Three Wise Men left without us.
I'm the one that showed them the star of Bethlehem.
They were talking about, "We thought it was the sun."
At night, sir?
(SCOFFS) Wise where?
King Herod told me
he calls them the Wise Men ironically, 'cause they so dumb.
Are you sure Mary and Joseph
are gon' be okay with a ho showin' up?
'Cause you know I'm from them unpaved streets.
I don't think they care, Hannah.
I'm a good Samaritan, and they didn't even ask me
-to come Samarit. -(SCOFFS)
Maybe I can just sing them a song,
and that way, they won't judge me for my decisions.
♪ We three queens of Orient are-- ♪
All right, Philistina Aguilera.
But just remember, we only brought
raggedy gifts, okay?
Now you know I'd rather be
covered in boys than gossip, right?
Uh-uh, leave my mama out of it.
My bad.
But my Pharisee connect told me that the three Wise Men
brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
And what do we got?
Mold, black love incense, and fur?
-Don't trip, Priscilla. -We look stupid!
-No, we don't. -BOTH: Yes, we do.
No, I'm telling you that incense that you invented...
-PRISCILLA: Yeah? -...smells way better
than their stankin' scents.
-For real? -Yes, girl!
And besides, Mary is from Nazareth.
You know she ain't never had nothing nice.
That's true.
Lazarus told me her family is so poor,
they pray to our vengeful God
for another flood just so they can bathe.
-Ooh. -I mean, I don't blame 'em.
You know, I've had to entertain many mens
to keep my water bill on.
-Your what? Water bill? -You water bill?
-Yeah. -You paying for water?
Well, yeah, 'cause you gotta pay for your water,
so you gotta do what you gotta do.
-No, water is free. -It's very free.
It's the only thing we have free in this life.
Water's free?
Girl, all you do is take a bucket in the water,
shake the worms out, and drink it.
Wait, that's what you be doing too?
-Yes. -Yes, everyone does this.
And you just take it home and nobody goes,
"You better pay for this water"?
Girl, I don't know where your life leads you,
but it is down a strange path.
Just put a bucket on your roof.
Just open your mouth when it's raining.
Okay, so let me just make a mental note.
(CLEARS THROAT) Water is...
-BOTH: Free. -Okay, cool.
Besides, it's not that big of a deal.
Sometimes, I just spritz my lady parts with river water.
Speaking of ew,
Salome gave me this shortcut to the manger,
so I know we beat the Three Wise Men.
'Cause-- Oh, lordt.
♪ ("THIS IS HOW WE DO IT" BY MONTELL JONES PLAYS) ♪
♪ This is how we do it ♪
(SINGING OFF-KEY)
You all are terrible.
The harmonies are off.
Hey, Joanna, Priscilla... Hannah.
(SCOFFS)
(ROLLS TONGUE) Hannah.
She like when I speak in tongues, I'm sorry.
What y'all be getting into?
Go hide it under a bushel, Balthazar.
Yeah, you know why we traversed here.
I do know why you traversed here.
-We know that. -(THREE WISE MEN LAUGHING)
Oh, we know that.
BALTHAZAR: But we don't have time
to get into those immoral acts right now.
(FORCED CHUCKLING) Balthazar, stop.
-(MOUTHS) Stop. -Fornication! (LAUGHS)
Is Caspar okay? Is he okay? For real.
'Cause I heard he got kicked in the head by a donkey
trying to turn mud into wine.
MELCHIOR: He did, and it was epic.
Almost as great as us seeing...
-♪ Baby Jesus! ♪ -♪ Jesus ♪
Baby Jesus first.
-(CHUCKLING) -It was worth killin' these sistas.
I wouldn't celebrate so fast, not-so Wise Men.
(CHUCKLES) You're dumb.
-'Cause guess what? -BALTHAZAR: What?
My play uncle Zacharia told me
that Herod is mad at y'all
'cause you hidin' the location of Jesus from him.
We're not hiding it from him.
We're hiding it from you.
-What? -We don't want women to win.
What we look like? A bunch of Samsons?
JOANNA: Magi, please.
First of all, we're only 13 years old.
I just got my adult teeth.
Second of all, you may have gotten here first,
(CHUCKLES) but we have the better gifts.
Oh, they stank!
-JOANNA: Back up! -HANNAH: Stop it!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Old, nappy pelt. Your nappy pelt!
It's my gift for Jesus.
Good God, why does it smell like Hannah
after she took a river bath?
-(GASPS) -Balthazar told me
I remind him of his favorite fish in the river.
-I love salmon. -I like cod!
It's not a compliment.
No, you said I smell nice.
-I said you have lice. -They be jumpin'.
PRISCILLA: Girl, forget them.
Like God told the lion when it had
Daniel's head in its mouth, just let it go.
-BALTHAZAR: Ow! Ooh-wee!
Mary Magdalene. Damn!
Three fine men. (LAUGHS)
MELCHIOR: Mmm. What she smell like?
BALTHAZAR: Smell like fresh daisies.
-MARY MAGDALENE: Yes! -That's the good daisies.
It's my new perfume. It's called fresh daisies.
Want a whiff? Woo!
Ooh, I caught the whiff.
What is this? Sodom and Gomorrah?
Anybody can just show up for a good time?
I hear a very annoying voice.
(GASPS) Oh! Hello. (GIGGLING)
Hardly, no.
God told me to follow the North Star,
but he didn't tell me that I'd run into
a plague of locusts.
Ooh.
Priscilla, I'ma take my head wrap off
if she keep talking to us like this.
Anyway ladies, don't even trip, I got this.
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
-Excuse me, Mary, is it? -Yes!
That's a real original name.
-(CHUCKLES) -Mm.
Look, uh, we're gonna go meet the Messiah
and no one's gonna stop us, so, you know,
you can go "La, la" your way on out of here.
Speaking of, could you stand back a little bit?
-I'm downwind. -Oh.
-Okay. -You smell very familiar.
(SNIFFS) Oh, yeah, Red Sea district, for sure.
You do kind of look familiar.
Are you-- Are you a ho too?
-Famously! -Two hos!
-Word? -Word.
-Wood! -Are they done?
Okay, these Johns ain't Baptists,
and I am ready to see the savior.
-Let's go. -Let's go.
♪ Oh-oh, ooh, ooh, ooh La, la ♪
(CHUCKLES) Sorry.
Um, I got the last hay bale in VIP.
Yeah, I bought swaddle service.
But you probably can't afford that.
Hey, Mary!
We just came here to worship the Lord
and join his flock.
-Why you flock blockin' us? -(GASPS) Flock blocking?
-PRISCILLA: Yes! -I'm not flock blocking.
-You! -Yes, you're flock blockin'.
-Oh no, I never flock block. -You are flock blockin'.
-Me flock blocking?! -Yes you are flock blocking!
-I'm not flock blocking. -(MOCKING)
-Do I look like I flock block? -(MOCKING)
Oh, I absolutely would not flock block.
Not flock blocking! Okay, listen.
-Ladies... and Hannah. -Oh.
How about I talk to the savior after his nap
and try to get you guys some floor seats?
Huh? How's that sound?
-ALL: Okay. Okay. -That sounds nice.
-That sounds nice. -Yeah! That sound good?
Yeah, like actually on the dirt floor?
-Where you belong? Huh? -Okay.
This feels like the Immaculate Deception.
But... we'll take it.
-It's all we got. -MARY: Okay, let's have fun.
This way!
Excuse me, fellas, love you, thank you.
-Excuse me. -Excuse me.
-Hey, hey, Mary! -Move, Balthazar!
(SHOUTING FRUSTRATINGLY)