and then he wanted to know about my
family history i was like that's not
what this is about nothing to see there
i was like my brother died when i was a
little girl my mom died like eight or
ten years ago
my dad's a huge pain in the ass so
hopefully he'll wrap things up this year
and i said and quite frankly like i'm
ready to wrap it up too
i said dan i'm not suicidal you don't
have to worry about it but people say
life is too short i think it's too long
like there's so many annoying people out
here and i just can't deal with it i
said i'm losing my patience
and i need you to help me with my lack
of patience
and he said okay give me some examples
of your lack of patience and i said okay
fine i was at a table like this probably
a little bigger with three of my
girlfriends before my session that day
with dan
my girlfriend orders a turkey burger no
onion
no bun no cheese that's fine we live in
l.a
so the server comes over with his hands
full with four plates
and comes over and we're all sitting at
table we're not even talking
and he says turkey burger who ordered
the turkey burger no onion
no bun no cheese and my friend is just
sitting there like stevie wonder playing
the piano
and he says it again louder turkey
burger no onion no bun
no cheese and this is her
i go hey you [ __ ] go
wake up
i said so that's one example would you
like to hear another
he said yes please go on i said airports
airports i can't deal with the people
that work at hudson book sellers what's
wrong with those people
what's up with the slowness of the
transaction i can't deal with the
slowness of the transaction when i want
to buy a book are those people what is
wrong with are they koala bears
he said well how do you handle that i go
have to shoplift
i said i get the book and i wave it to
the security camera
always i said i always say hey it's me
chelsea handler
i'm taking this because your koala bears
on a branch somewhere in the back
i'm like i'm going to leave 40 bucks
here and hopefully
they'll find it when she comes out from
her nap if she'll find it before a
stranger does but it's on this bookshelf
i didn't steal i'm leaving and then i
skiddaddle
and dan was looking at me when i said
that i was like what is that white
privilege too
he's like no chelsea white people aren't
even doing that
i told him anything hotel related i'm
like i spent tons of times in hotels and
i get home at like one or two in the
morning
i want my snack i call down i order what
i want from room service
and that's too slow at 1 30 in the
morning there should be like a double
speed you know
where people are quicker and more alert
or or just quicker
then they want to repeat the order back
to me it's like please whatever you
think you heard just bring double
don't say chicken fingers out loud again
i'm 45 years old i don't want to have
this conversation
do you know how humiliating it is to
call you in the first place and order
this at 1 30 in the morning
and now you want to go over it and shame
me again
just bring them and then they bring them
and that's that's a
whole episode in and of itself it's like
with the cart and the fork and the knife
and they set me up like i'm fine dining
at two in the morning
with some chicken fingers as if i'm
gonna use a fork and a knife to cut up
my chicken fingers
you could throw them at me across the
room and i will catch them in my mouth
you