Do you want to know how to teach social skills to teenagers?
Well, you're not alone, that's a really common question right now. I'm Nicholeen Peck,
and I am a parenting expert. I teach relationships, communication, and self-government to families
all over the world and in this video, we're talking about social skills and teenagers.
When it comes to social skills there are some things you should avoid and some things you
should do and some of those things might surprise you. Be sure to stay with me to the end because
I think some of the things I'm going to share with you at the end of this video
might actually be a little bit of a shocker. I was a really social person growing up.
In fact, I was one of those little girls that could talk to anybody. I had no problem talking to adults
or other children. In fact, I wasn't alone like this. I remember being part of youth groups at
church and in the community where adults and children were talking together all the time.
But as I look around me now, I don't see the same type of behavior. Have you noticed that a lot of
children are looking down instead of looking in people's eyes? Many young people are not possessing
basic social skills that even allow them to carry on just an everyday conversation. Parents will ask
me regularly, "Nicholeen, how do I break down the walls between me and my children? In fact, so often
I ask them, how was your school today and they say "fine". Well, what happened in this class today?
"I don't know, same old", and they just don't discuss a lot with me. Why is there such a barrier and how
can I break down that barrier?". So that's not all I'm asked about teenagers. In fact, the questions
are wide and varied. But another main question that gets asked me on a regular basis is, "How do
I help my child prepare socially for adulthood?". People know that if you have good social skills
it actually gives you an edge up in the world. In fact, good social skills are part of what is called
practical intelligence. So, how do we increase the practical intelligence in our children? How do we
create the type of environment where they can succeed even thrive in their relationships and
in their communications? Because if they have those skills, it has been proven that they will
land more jobs than if they're just smart. Isn't it funny that as parents we spend so much time
worrying about grades and academic achievement when in reality the thing that lands them their
dream job. The thing they want to do for the rest of their life is actually their personality and
their ability to get along with others. Well, it is. I know, I've been on the hiring side of the table
and I do know what they're looking for. They're looking for somebody they want to play golf with.
Someone that they want to talk to just over a lunch. Not just someone who gets the job done.
So, how do we help our children become that type of person? Well, it starts when they're young.
But definitely, by the time they're in their teen years we need to be putting a heavy focus on
what is proper social development and some of my answers of what is proper and how to go about it
may actually surprise you. First we need to discuss what to avoid. So, we live in this digital age.
I mean, it's all around us it's everywhere. In fact, I don't know how a family can exist nowadays and
stay in touch with each other without some sort of digital devices. But this presents problems.
It creates a type of difficulty that parents and previous generations have not had to deal with.
So, their children are preoccupied with the world that's in their pocket all the time. So, what do you
do about that? A wise parent knows that they have to limit screen time. You just have to.
There was a time when people maybe thought that we'd just adapt to having screens into everything.
But study after study is showing that screen time and the brain especially the adolescent brain is
not a good combination. So, what we need to do is we need to set limits for those screens.
We need to decide that the screens for sure are not going to live at night in our children's rooms.
That's important. They need to get some good rest and put away all of that kind of social stuff
in the evenings. But also, there need to be just certain times of the day where we check on social
media and stuff like that but not have it be an ongoing thing that's happening all the time. I know
that's easier said than done. When we have children that are in their teens they want to keep up with
their friends and that's important to them. But we need to remember that having friends is not how
we develop social skills, it's where we practice them. Do you got that? Friends are where we practice
social skills not where we develop them. So, if the friends and the social media are getting in the
way of your child having good communication with you. Then they're probably not going to be learning
the social skills that they need. So, what we need to do is we need to decide maybe that one hour or
half hour of the day or the evening where they get to check up on all that kind of stuff and the rest
of the time they put it away. For sure at mealtimes no phones or things out at mealtimes. I know
that's so hard to accept especially, in the busy lifes that we have. Even the adults are pulling out
their phones at mealtimes because they've got work and pressures and things that they're dealing with.
But don't do it. Have self-government. Tell yourself no, that you do not want to jeopardize this vital
time that you have with your teens. They're almost gone from your home. They need the time to bond with you.
Why do they need the time to bond with you? Because you are the best social teacher.
Now, that means you've got to be examining your own social skills on a regular basis. How are you doing
with your social skills? Do you talk to people? Do you call people and have regular conversations?
When you're at a store do you stop and talk to another person. Do you introduce your children
to people they may not have met before? Well, all of those things are good social skills
and you are the one that sets the example for that type of social conduct in the future. So make
sure that your children see you living a proper social life. Which means, when you're in the car, talk.
When you're around the table, talk. Go on a walk together, do things together where you can
have a time to discuss and bond together. You are the social teacher. Now, when my children hit about
age 11. I take a special interest in their social development. In fact, I know that the girls need
to learn what it means to become a woman. Not a teenager, a woman. I want them to see past those
teenage years to who they're becoming long term. The same thing goes for the boys. Once the boys hit
11 years old. They need to have a vision of what it means to become a man. So, one thing that me
and my husband have decided to do is when they hit 11 years old we take special time with them
on a weekly basis. So, my husband started singing barbershop with my son because that was something
that my son had expressed an extreme interest in. Even though my husband didn't have the same
interest he took the time to talk to my son as they went to and from their barbershop chorus
and their barbershop quartet practices. They also spent time working on a project together.
Traveling together and developing a bond that still exists in its strength today. Now, that my
son is in his 20s you would not think that he ever had a time where he disconnected from his parents
and that's because he didn't. You heard me right, my children have never been disconnected from me.
I've had four children. My youngest is now 17 and he loves me, and he hugs me, and he comes and finds me,
and gives me hugs and kisses, and talks to me. That is the best parts of our day and all of my
children have been that way. They don't disconnect from me even if they're busy with work and school
teams and all the different things that they're doing with their academics and their personal life.
The time with mom, the time with dad, the time with family is always number one priority. Now that's a
cultural decision that we decided to have as a family when the children were really young.
We decided that our family culture was always going to be more important than the friend culture.
So, we put higher priority on that and said "no" to friend time on a regular basis. As time went on,
they were able to have a little bit more social time outside with friends. But we wanted to make
sure that we laid the social foundation first so that they would always know who they are, where
they came from, how to behave when they're with other people, how to value other people, and how
to not be railroaded by some other people's way of living. These were things that we did for our
children in a proactive way to prepare them for their future social practices. Before I get to
the bits that might surprise you. Go ahead and give this video a thumbs up if you like it and be sure
to subscribe. Because I come up with videos like this every single day of the week and I know that
there's going to be some you're not going to want to miss, subscribe now. So about that family culture
that we're creating. This family culture involved a really happy nightlife. A nightlife where we played
games together, where we read stories together, we did activities together, we'd play badminton and
croquet in the backyard, play basketball together as a family, play pickleball that's one of our new
favorites. So, we do things together as a family, that's part of who we are. When you engage in
activities like that with your children that creates great social skills for the children.
They learn how to talk about things. How to let loose and bond and be themselves. Another thing
that we do that helps our children that might surprise you is correcting them. We correct them
on a regular basis when things need correcting, obviously. We don't just invent stuff to correct.
But we notice they need some adjustment here. We're going to correct and we teach them how to have
a calm correction. These are skills they are going to need in all their relationships. They're going
to need to know how to accept a consequence and a correction when things don't go right.
They're going to need to know how to accept a "no" answer when someone tells them "no". They're going
to need to know how to be heard in a way that's respectful which we call, disagreeing appropriately.
We teach them these skills and we correct them when things go wrong so they get the opportunity
to do them right. Correcting children prepares them to have good social success. Does that
surprise you a little bit? Because it's absolutely true. Here's another one that might surprise you.
Did you know that your children actually need less social time when they're in their teenage years
than they did when they were say 10 or 11? It's true. In fact, for my children I decided that I
would gauge what their developmental need was socially and that we would make sure that they got
those developmental needs met. So that they could have the appropriate practice time. But they could
also make sure that they didn't sever any ties with family. What I realized as I was examining
developmental needs of children was that, when children are very young they need to be near
their parents all the time. That's their greatest social advantage. Because as they walk and talk
with mom and dad and engage in all the different components of their lives as parents take them
along with them. Then those children learn not only how to solve problems in life but how to interact
with people in a way that is really healthy and will help them have good communication skills
in the future. As the children get a little bit older they need to start practicing some of these
skills they've been learning from mom and dad. So, having play dates and friend times and having a
little bit more social interaction is definitely appropriate. But once our children hit a really
heavy scholar phase, academic phase. Where they maybe have a job or maybe they're just putting a
lot more time in on their studies. Then we noticed that it actually hurts our children in many other
aspects of their life if they have too much social. Many people think that during the teenage years
that that's the time where they should do whatever they want. Because soon comes adulthood in all the
responsibilities. But what I've noticed is that that type of mindset is actually detrimental to
teenagers. In fact, they think that adulthood is something to be feared and they think that this
time is not really worth anything in their lives except for having fun, which is not true. So then
they end up wasting some of the most crucial years of their lives to prepare for successful adulthood.
So, in our family, we decided that as they got older into those teen years that we would actually
step away from some of the social time. So that they could have increased family time, increased
study time, time for work, and hobbies. Some of these other things that they would need to work on in
order to prepare for who they were becoming in their adult life. Now, that doesn't mean they don't
have any social time because they certainly do. They go on dates and hang out with friends,
and do all of the things that normal teenage children do. The thing is they're just not doing it
every single day all the time. That's not the only thing that they're focusing on and they're not on
social media because we don't do social media in our family until the children are 18. Then they
can get social media if they want to on their own devices. We don't even actually give them their own
smartphones until they're 18 as well. We just have a little flip phone for the kids and
I know that seems archaic, but why? They don't need it especially because they can still text everybody
and take a picture and that's really all they need so that they're not distracted all the time.
That may seem a little surprising. Many people think that during those teen years they need to just
play, play, play. Well, hopefully, they've been play, play, playing all along. Hopefully you
didn't stress them out when they were six so that they can have no responsibility when they're 16.
Hopefully, they played when they were six so that they can take that responsibility when they're 16
to become a good adult. Do you want your teenager to launch into adulthood? I hope the answer is "yes".
For them to confidently launch into adulthood they need more weight and more responsibilities
during those teenage years. That is proper social development like I said, it might surprise you.
If you've enjoyed this video, I'm pretty sure you'll like my next video which is,
how to stop kids from whining. Click on that link now and I'll see you there.