WELCOME BACK TO THE SHOW, EVERYBODY.
JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S THE BAND RIGHT OVER THERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: OH, MY GOD.
I AM-- THERE IS-- THERE IS AN ABSOLUTELY ELECTRIC FEELING IN
THIS BUILDING TONIGHT.
IT IS SO INCREDIBLE TO SEE MY OLD FRIENDS FROM "THE DAILY
SHOW" HERE.
JON STEWART, JOHN OLIVER, SAM BEE, ED HELMS, ROB CORDDRY.
WE WERE ALL JUST TALKING BACKSTAGE.
NONE OF US HAS AGED A DAY.
AND JUST SEEING THOSE GUYS, IT JUST REALLY TAKES ME BACK.
I MEAN, I CAN STILL REMEMBER MY LAST DAY AT THE "THE DAILY SHOW"
LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.
I CAN'T-- I CAN'T PUT IT INTO WORDS BUT IT CAN PUT IT INTO
FLASHBACK.
IS THIS...
IS THIS WORKING?
CAN WE DO THE EFFECT, PLEASE, JIM?
THAT'S THE...
AHHHH... MY FINAL DAY.
SO MANY MEMORIES.
BUT THERE COMES A TIME WHEN A MAN HAS TO DO SOMETHING
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT-- THE SAME CHARACTER, HALF AN HOUR LATER,
HALF A BLOCK AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) COURAGE.
OKAY, JUST GOT TO PACK UP MY LUCKY MUG.
GOTTA PACK UP MY LUCKY BOX OF FREE PRINTER CARTRIDGES.
AND MY LUCKY AND MY LUCKY TANGERINE iBOOK--
THE SLEEKEST, MOST STYLISH PRODUCT APPLE WILL EVER MAKE.
>> HEY, STEPHEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HI, SAMANTHA BEE
>> GETTING READY TO HEAD OUT, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: YEAH, SAMANTHA BEE.
I AM OPINION >> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
LEAVING RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GEORGE W. BUSH
ADMINISTRATION.
THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER PRESIDENT THIS GOOD FOR COMEDY.
I MEAN, THIS GUY DOES SOMETHING RIDICULOUS, LIKE, LEAST ONCE A
MONTH PUP KNOW.
I KNOW THERE'S ONE THING FOR SURE-- THERE IS NO SCENARIO IN
WHICH I WILL EVER SAY, "GOSH, I WISH GEORGE W. BUSH WAS
PRESIDENT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GREAT BY THE WAY.
YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
>> HAVE YOU SEEN MY YOGURT.
>> Stephen: I HAVE NOT SEEN YOUR YOGURT.
NO, I HAVE NOT SEEN IT.
>> OKAY.
>> HEY, STEPHEN!
>> Stephen: HEY, ROAR, HEY ED HELMS.
WHAT'S UP YOU GUYS.
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE LEAVING US, STEPHEN.
IT'S CRAZY.
IT'S LIKE BEYONCE LEAVING DESTINY'S CHILD.
WE'RE NEVER GOING TO HEAR FROM HER AGAIN.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR STOPPING BY TO SAY GONE.
>> ACTUALLY, WE CAME BECAUSE WE'RE FIGHTING OVER WHICH ONE OF
US GETS YOUR OFFICE GLI JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE.
>> COME ON, MAN.
I'M ALREADY READY TO HANG UP MY POSTER OF MY TWO FAVORITE
COMEDIANS, BILL COSBY, AND SUBWAY SPOKESMAN JARED FOGEL.
>> Stephen: I KNOW ONE THING, ROB.
THEY WILL NEVER LET YOU DOWN!
>> HEY, HAS ANYONE SEEN MY YOGURT?
>> Stephen: NOPE, NOPE, HAVEN'T SEEN IT.
>> HELLO THERE, CHUMS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY!
>> HOW ABOUT THAT?
>> Stephen: OH, HEY, LOOK, IT'S--
>> THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S ME, STEVE CARELL, THE LOVELY CORRESPONDENT
FROM "THE DAILY SHOW" IN 2005.
>> WHY ARE YOU TALKING IN THAT AWFUL BRITISH ACCENT?
>> BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU FEEBLE-MINDED CHUCKLEMONKEYS,
I'M OFF TO HOLLYWOOD TO BECOME A SERIOUS ACTOR, BUT IT IS ME,
STEVE CARELL, LAUGH
AND I'LL PROVE IT BY SAYING SOMETHING ONLY STEVE CARELL CAN
SAY, "I HAVE SO MUCH BODY HAIR, THAT THERE IS AN UNBROKEN LINE
OF FUR BETWEEN MY EYEBROWS AND MY ANKLES."
( LAUGHTER ) CLASSIC STEVE.
>> THAT'S STEVE, YEAH.
>> Stephen: >> HAS ANYONE SEEN MY YOGURT?
>> Stephen: NO, NO.
>> OH, THERE WE ARE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> DON'T LOOK AT ME!
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
I'M HIDEOUS!
>> Stephen: JON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?
THE SHOW IS ABOUT TO START?
>> WHAT?
WE'RE DOING ANOTHER ONE TODAY?
>> YES, IT'S A DAILY SHOW.
YOU HAVE TO DO ONE EVERY DAY.
>> WHY EVERY DAY?
YOU COULD COVER EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO SAY ABOUT POLITICS IN
HALF AN HOUR ON A SUNDAY NIGHT!
>> PEOPLE WOULD WATCH THAT?
ON A SUNDAY?
I DOUBT IT.
>> OR A WEDNESDAY AT 10:30, 9:30 CENTRAL.
>> EVERYBODY, SHUT UP!
SHUT THE (BLEEP) UP!
SHUT YOUR MOUTHS!
SHUT UP!
GOT IT?
( LAUGHTER ) JON!
>> YES!
>> WHY ARE YOU EATING OUR YOGURTS?
>> BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, WE'RE A FAMILY.
AND IF SOMEONE'S IN NEED, WE'RE ALWAYS THERE FOR EACH OTHER--
ESPECIALLY YOU, STEVE CARELL.
>> THANKS.
JOLLY GOOD.
>> BUT I GUESS I'M REALIZING FAMILIES GROW UP.
KIDS GO OFF TO COLLEGE, OR STAR IN A BILLION-DOLLAR FILM
FRANCHISE ABOUT A HANGOVER.
>> $1.42 BILLION.
>> OR AN ACADEMY AWARD-WINNING FRANCHISE ABOUT A HOT TUB TIME
MACHINE.
>> THAT WON AN ACADEMY AWARD?
>> WELL, IT'S STILL 2005.
SO YOU CAN'T PROVE IT HASN'T!
( LAUGHTER ).
>> I GUESS I'M REALIZING ONE DAY YOU'LL SPREAD YOUR WINGS AND
LEAVE ME.
AND ALL I'LL HAVE LEFT OF YOU IS YOUR YOGURTS.
>> FIVE MINUTES TO SHOW TIME, PEOPLE!
>> OH, MY GOD.
GET ME FOOTAGE OF AN OLD LADY SLIPPING ONITIS.
>> ONE FROZEN FANNY COMING UP AS STEVE CARELL ALWAYS SAYS.
>> YOU GUYS GIVE ME THREE PUNS ABOUT DONALD RUMSFELD'S PENIS.
>> SCHLONGALD NUTS-FELD!
>> WRINKLED SHAFTS-FELD!
>> PRICK-RETARY OF PRICK-FENSE, DING-DONG RUMSBALLS!
>> BRILLIANT!
NO WONDER WE WIN EMMYS!
ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT ME, JON?
WHAT DO I DO?
>> STEPHEN, I GUESS JUST ARCH YOUR EYEBROW OR SOMETHING.
MAKES PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE SMART.
>> Stephen: GOT IT!
>> BUT FIRST, BEFORE WE DO ANYTHING, OUR TRADITIONAL
PRESHOW PRAYER.
HANDS IN, EVERYBODY.
>> OKAY.
>> GOOOO, LBL AGENDA!
>> Stephen: STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.
ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.
WE'LL FIND OUT HOW MUCH OF WHAT WE SAID IS REAL.