WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
THIS WAS--
THERE'S AN EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR TODAY.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN FEEL IT.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE TODAY IS A BIG DAY FOR THE 2020 ELECTION.
DONALD TRUMP AND JOE BIDEN WERE BOTH IN IOWA, EITHER BECAUSE
IT'S THE FIRST PRIMARY STATE OR BECAUSE KEVIN COSTNER NEEDED
MORE OLD GUYS TO WALK OUT OF THE CORNFIELD.
( LAUGHTER )
TONIGHT?
THE SPEECH IS NOT UNTIL TONIGHT.
BUT HIS CAMPAIGN PRE-RELEASED THE TRANSCRIPT, AND HE'S GOT
SOME HARSH WORDS FOR TRUMP, INCLUDING, "DONALD, IT'S NOT
ABOUT YOU.
IT'S ABOUT AMERICA."
YES, YES, SEE TRUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO TRUE.
>> Jon: LAY IT ON!
>> Stephen: BIDEN'S RIGHT, IT'S NOT ABOUT DONALD,
WHICH IS WHY BIDEN IN HIS SPEECH TALKED ABOUT TRUMP ONLY 76
TIMES.
( LAUGHTER )
DONALD TRUMP MORE THAN JOE BIDEN IS DONALD TRUMP.
AND ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRADE POLICY IN THE SPEECH SAYING:
>> TOW TO BE FAIR, THE CASHIERS AT TARGET KNOW MORE ABOUT
ECONOMICS THAN TRUMP."
THOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THE CASHIERS AT TARGET ALSO KNOW MORE ABOUT
FOREIGN POLICY, LABOR RELATIONS, AND HOW TO CLOSE AN UMBRELLA.
TRUMP DIDN'T EVEN WAIT TO GET TO IOWA BEFORE ATTACKING BIDEN, AND
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF...
"CHOPPER TALK."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MARVELED AT HOW MUCH PRESS HAD ASSEMBLED THERE TO COVER
HIM.
>> THIS IS LIKE THE ACADEMY AWARDS USED TO BE BEFORE THEY
WENT POLITICAL.
NOW NOBODY CARES.
BUT GREAT HONOR TO BE WITH YOU.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, NOBODY CARES ABOUT POLITICS.
ANYWAY, IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO BE WITH YOU ON THE WHITE HOUSE RED
CARPET.
DOES ANYONE WANT TO KNOW WHO I'M WEARING?
IT'S A FRENCH DESIGNER DEPENDS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEN, HE TURNED HIS ATTENTION TO JOE BIDEN.
>> I'D RATHER RUN AGAINST, I THINK, BIDEN THAN ANYBODY.
I THINK HE'S THE WEAKEST MENTALLY.
I THINK JOE IS THE WEAKEST UP HERE.
>> Stephen: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS?
( LAUGHTER )
JOE BIDEN CAN'T BE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED SHTUSHHHH."
JUST ASK MY WIFE, MELANIE.
I DON'T KNOW HER NAME.
TRUMP RESPONDED SIMILARLY TO BIDEN'S CRITICISM OF HIS CHINA
TARIFFS.
>> BIDEN THOUGHT THAT CHINA WAS NOT A COMPETITOR OF OURS.
JOE BIDEN IS A DUMMY.
>> Stephen: BIDEN?
BIDEN'S THE DUMMY? ONLY ONE OF YOU IS SITTING ON PUTIN'S LAP
WITH HIS HAND UP YOUR BUTT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )