Brand New Testament/ Le Tout Nouveau Testament (2015)
Hey what’s up guys. Today I’ll show you a fantasy
dark comedy film: “Brand New Testament”! Spoilers ahead, watch out and take care!
The film begins with God in human form, living in Brussels as an abusive alcoholic, with a son and
a ten-year-old daughter named Eya. Eya begins telling the story of her father, God himself.
In the beginning, God was bored. He started working in his office, a spacious room with
drawers on all sides, and created the city of Brussels. Not long after, he created animals.
Soon, giraffes, chickens, and tigers filled the empty establishments and streets of Brussels.
Still bored, God created man. The first man walked through Brussels, and eventually found
the first woman. God then created an exciting but nasty hormone game for them to play,
and thus the first man and first woman created a family from the damned game. Their family would
soon grow and create civilization as we know it. Looking for more excitement, God set man against
his fellow men. Wars were fought in God’s name. Millennia later, Eya was born from God and his
wife, the Goddess. During dinner, the Goddess set four plates on the table.
The other plate is for JC or Jesus Christ, God’s lost son. Eya uses her powers to move the glasses
of milk around the table; but God stops her. After dinner, God enters his office. Hearing his
wife vacuuming outside, he screams at her to keep quiet. In order to make life more interesting,
God created natural disasters. He simulates disasters on scale models, and they happen
in real time. He even creates absurd rules, like the phone ringing when one is in the bathtub,
or bread always falling jam-side down. One day, Eya sees the door to God’s office
left open. She enters and gets on the computer. There, she sees the list of natural disasters,
and runs out. During dinner, Eya argues with God over the disasters that he causes.
God gets angry at Eya for entering his office. He chases her around the house, and
beats her with his belt. Afterward, Eya decides that something must be done to stop God.
That night, while God is sleeping, Eya packs her bags. She talks to a figurine of her brother, and
it comes to life. JC tells Eya of a secret escape tunnel in the washing machine. Eya replies that
first, she needs her own apostles. She decides to get six apostles, and get them to help her write
a brand new testament, revolving around not God, but the apostles themselves. She leaves the room,
and JC turns back into a lifeless figurine. Eya steals the office key from God. She enters
the office, and grabs the cards of six people from the drawers. She then jumps on the computer,
and sends out people’s exact death dates. The people receive the information on their phones.
One man only has seconds to live. When the timer hits zero, he gets hit by a truck.
She locks the computer, and leaves the office. She returns to her room, and tells JC about her plans.
JC approves, and Eya enters the washing machine tunnel, leaving home for the first time.
Meanwhile, people elsewhere die in accordance with their death date.
A man with 62 years left to live, tries killing himself by jumping from a building. However,
he lands on someone else, and breaks his fall, proving that the death dates are real and true.
Unfortunately, the death-date release also causes conflict and anguish.
A nurse taking care of an old man, breaks down upon finding out that the man will live longer
than her. A mother tries to kill her son, after discovering that he will live longer than her.
The following day, Eya’s mother knocks on her door, but there’s no response.
God wakes up to a news broadcast, stating that all wars have stopped following Death-leak,
the release of everyone’s death dates. God panics, and finds the key missing from his belt. He grabs
an axe, and forces the door to his office open. He finds the computer unusable. He smells Eya’s
scent on the computer mouse, and forcibly enters her room. However, she’s long gone by then.
He notices the washing machine passage open, and screams into it, telling Eya to come back.
Eya exits the tunnel into a laundromat in Brussels. She leaves and enjoys the rain
outside. She eats a burger from a dumpster, but later throws up. A homeless man named Victor,
tells her not to eat the bad burgers. She asks him if he can write, and he says yes. She tells Victor
that he will write the Brand New Testament. She asks him to take her to the first apostle’s
address, as she will begin recruiting her six apostles. Victor refuses, but eventually agrees
after Eya continues to follow him. Meanwhile, God gets ready to leave the house, and hunt after Eya.
His wife tries to stop him, but he verbally abuses her, and leaves through the washing machine.
Victor brings Eya to the first apostle, a beautiful woman named Aurelie. Aurelie has
11 years left to live. Lots of men are in love with Aurelie, but since she is afraid that no
one will love her, she keeps to herself. Eya and Aurelie talk in a subway station,
while Victor records their conversation. Aurelie reveals her life story. She lost her arm when she
was seven years old. She was dancing in a train station, when the train rushed past and hit her
arm, causing it to separate from her body. Ever since, Aurelie has used a silicone prosthetic.
Aurelie recounts how a homeless man approached her one day in the train station, and told her
that life is like a skating rink; lots of people fall down. Eya introduces herself
as God’s daughter. Aurelie cries, and Eya collects her tears in a vial. Eya tells
Aurelie that she can hear people’s music. She leans in, and listens to Aurelie’s music.
She then tells Aurelie that she will create a nice dream for her that night. That night,
Aurelie dreams of seeing her silicone hand dancing to classical music on the dinner table. Aurelie
ends up holding her own hand, and smiling. The next day, Eya and Victor visit Jean Claude,
the second apostle who has 12 years left. After growing up an imaginative and adventurous person,
Jean Claude ended up with no family and a miserable job. After finding out his
death date, he decided to quit, and stay in the park with the pigeons there forever.
One morning, Jean Claude wakes up, and finds Eya and Victor on the bench next to him.
Eya calls a bird, and it lands on her finger. She converses with the bird by whistling,
and finds out that it likes Jean Claude. Jean Claude asks the bird why it stays in
the park, when it can leave anytime. With Eya translating, the bird tells Jean Claude
that he can do the same. He can go anywhere he wants, but instead chooses to stay in the park.
The bird flies away, and Jean Claude follows it. He ends up following it through foreign lands.
At the same time, God reaches the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately, the washing machine in the
laundromat is in use. He gets tossed and turned, and drenched in soap and water. He manages to
crawl out of the washing machine, but gets beaten up by the woman with the anti-hormone spray.
He runs out of the laundromat, and eats out of the garbage like Eya. He gets caught by some thugs who
beat him up. God ends up in the hospital. He asks for painkillers, but the doctor refuses,
and God fights the doctor. While walking out of the hospital, he steals bread from a child.
The child’s mother beats God, and the bread falls to the floor, jam-side down.
Eya meets the third apostle, a sexually frustrated man named Marc, at a strip club. There, Marc tells
Eya how he fell in love with a beautiful German woman at the beach, when he was still young. Since
then, his memories have been consumed by her. He tells her that once he learned of his death
date, he took all of his life savings, and spent it all on prostitutes and women. Eya leans in,
and listens to Marc’s music. She tells him that he has a song that goes well with a nice voice.
This pushes Marc to get a job as a voice actor, for pornography videos.
At work, Marc talks with his blonde co-worker. Eventually, Marc recognizes her as the German
woman, with whom he fell in love that day on the beach. After work, he invites her over.
They hold hands, and sleep on the bed together, but without letting go of their hormones.
Back at home, the Goddess notices the painting of the Last Supper, now has more than 12 apostles.
In the painting are Eya’s new apostles. The following morning, God visits the local
church, which is busy feeding homeless people. God skips the line for the food, but gets told to go
to the back of the line. He skips the line anyway, and tries to steal food, but gets beaten up.
The priest manages to save God. He then talks to God, while God eats the food.
While talking, God bad-mouths his son, Jesus. He then starts talking about the priest’s life,
and making fun of his misfortunes. This makes the priest angry, and provokes him to beat up God.
The fourth apostle is an assassin named Francois. After learning of his death date,
he bought a rifle, and would go out to shoot civilians. He claimed that if they died,
then it would not be his fault, since they must already have been scheduled to die that day.
One day, while Francois looks for people to shoot, Eya and Victor sit beside him.
Eya reveals that it was her fault that everyone’s death dates got released.
She tells him that he will be the fourth apostle. Afterward, she listens to his music,
and tells him that he would match well with someone, that has music like Aurelie’s.
Eya tells Francois to shoot a young woman with chestnut hair. At that moment, Aurelie, who fits
the description, passes by. Francois shoots at her, but the bullet merely hits her prosthetic
arm. Aurelie is oblivious to the fact that she has been shot. Francois is surprised by this, and
follows her to her hormone-smelly apartment. The next day, Francois goes to Aurelie’s apartment
with flowers. He gives them to her in the elevator, and tells her that he’s in love
with her. Aurelie takes the flowers, and leaves Francois in the elevator.
All the while, the apostles in the painting continue to increase in number.
The fifth apostle is an aging woman named Martine. Martine is in a loveless marriage
with her husband, who frequently leaves for business trips. While driving around, Martine
gets propositioned by a young male prostitute. She ignores him, and immediately drives away.
Eya and Victor finally catch up to Martine. They talk, and Martine reveals that her husband
will live longer than her. This causes Martine to give in, and the male prostitute up on his offer.
However, after the guy leaves, Martine starts feeling lonelier than ever.
Eya discovers that Martine’s music is circus music. They go to the circus together. There,
they find a gorilla, which Martine immediately develops a profound connection with. They touch
fingers, and Martine cries. She later buys the gorilla from the circus, and brings it home.
Later that night, Martine and the gorilla get intimate. She caresses its face,
and kisses it passionately on the lips. That same night, Aurelie calls Francois’ number,
which he wrote on the bouquet. Francois picks up immediately. She tells him to come over.
Francois comes over, and they sit together on the bed. Aurelie removes her prosthetic arm. Francois
takes it, and kisses its hand. They lie on the bed together, and Aurelie tongue-massages him,
but still not letting go of their hormones. Meanwhile, God returns to the laundromat,
only to find that the tunnel to his house, is gone. The following day, he finds Victor
and Eya walking around together. He chases them to a dock. God tells Eya to come home,
reboot his computer, and fix all the mess that she has created. However, Eya refuses,
citing that she’s happy where she is now. God rushes at Eya, but Victor steps in. He assumes
a kung-fu stance, and God does the same. Suddenly, Eya goes down to the water, and miraculously
stands on it. She calls Victor over, and he too starts walking on water. They walk away together,
leaving God on the dock. God tries to walk on water, but ends up falling into the water.
The sixth and last apostle is a young schoolboy named Willy, who is scheduled to die the following
Sunday. Willy reveals to Eya that because he was sickly when he was younger, his mother coddled
him. He was injected everyday with anti-diabetes shots, which unfortunately led to him getting a
pancreatic operation at age seven. When Willy found out that he only had
54 days to live, he decided to become a girl instead, and wear dresses to school.
Eya apologizes; but Willy thanks her for it, and tells her that life’s been better,
since learning about his death date. Eya tells Willy that it’s all her father’s fault. She tells
him that her mother is a goddess as well, but only stays silent due to her father’s abuse.
Eya demonstrates her powers to Willy. She multiplies a ham sandwich,
but tells Willy that it only works sometimes. She then listens to Willy’s music, and decides
to invent a nice dream for him that night. That evening, Willy dreams of a holographic
fish, singing and floating above the dining table. The following morning,
after he releases the dream fish back into the ocean, Willy decides to die on a beach.
The week of Willy’s death becomes a busy one. On Monday, Willy sells the house furniture to get
money to travel to a beach. On Tuesday, Aurelie gets Francois to stop assassinating people.
On Wednesday, Martine gets caught by her husband, while in bed with the gorilla. She
tells her husband to leave; and when he refuses, the gorilla scares him out of the house.
On Thursday, Marc and his German sweetheart play the hormone game for the first time.
This whole time, Willy and Eya grow closer and closer together. In abandoned buildings,
they roast marshmallows together, dance together, and even sleep together.
On Saturday, Jean Claude finally reaches the North Pole. There, he sees a beautiful woman
and waves to her. The woman waves back. At the same time, God gets reported to the authorities,
and is captured to be deported to Uzbekistan. He threatens the plague upon his captors,
but is ultimately helpless against their sheer numbers.
On Sunday, Eya and her apostles, with the exception of Jean Claude in the North Pole,
go to the beach to accompany Willy during his death. On the beach are hundreds of other people,
who have decided to die by the ocean. Willy’s dream fish jumps into the water,
and they go and find a quiet spot. They are also forced to wear armbands, black for the dying,
and white for those that accompany them. Meanwhile, Eya’s mother enjoys her alone time
at home. She plays music loudly, and cleans the house in peace. She enters God’s office,
and pulls the computer plug to plug her vacuum in. This causes God’s plane to experience turbulence,
and sends it straight into the beach, where Eya and her apostles are. Fortunately, the Goddess
plugs the computer back in, and the plane manages to avoid crashing. She logs into the computer,
and begins changing the world on a whim. First, the death dates of everyone disappears.
They are no longer going to die on the predetermined date, which God has set.
Willy has lived through his death day. Second, the Goddess decorates the sky with vivid colors
and beautiful flowers. Eya laughs, recognizing her mother’s touch. Other changes also include
the end of global warming, the removal of gravity, and people breathing underwater.
A few months later, after publishing the Brand New Testament, Victor becomes a famous,
bestselling author. Martine and her loving gorilla live happily ever after.
Eya and Willy share their first but smelly kiss. Francois and Aurelie are expecting a baby;
but surprisingly, Francois is the one pregnant. All the while, God lands a job in Uzbekistan,
as a factory worker in a washing machine factory.
There, he continues to search for the magic tunnel, back to his humble home and office!
This is Daniel CC Movie Channel! Stay safe and enjoy your day!