>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW."
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STANDUP COMEDIAN
WHO PERFORMS REGULARLY AT THE NEW YORK COMEDY CLUB.
MAKING HER NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT, PLEASE WELCOME CAITLIN
PELUFFO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> HEY!
HI, GUYS!
HE!
( APPLAUSE )
HI, GUYS, HI!
HI!
YOU ALL READY TO HEAR SOME JOKES FROM BUTCH LAURA KROFT?
I DON'T HAVE A LARA CROFT BODY.
NOW I HAVE AN IN-BETWEENER BODY.
I'M NOT FAT, I'M NOT THIN.
VERY MUSCULAR, PLAYED A LOT OF SPORTS, SO I CALL THIS SOFTBALL
SKINNY.
( APPLAUSE )
I HAD TO LEARN TO LIKE THIS BODY, THOUGH, BECAUSE I WAS THIS
SIZE IN SIXTH GRADE.
( LAUGHTER )
SO MY DAD, HE WAS SMART ABOUT IT, SHOVED ME IN EVERY SPORT
THERE WAS TO PLAY, AND I WAS PRETTY GOOD.
SO I KEPT GETTING THAT COMPLIMENT.
I'M SURE SOME OF THE GUYS IN HERE HAVE HEARD IT.
"HEY, CAITLIN, YOU'RE A REAL BEAST OUT THERE!
YEAH, YOU'RE SUCH A BEAST."
IT'S NOT A COMPLIMENT!
I'M 12!
YOU JUST TOLD ME I'M THE WORST PART OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, THAT'S HORRIBLE!
NO 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL WANTS TO BE "THE BEAST."
OF
WE WANT TO BE BELL.
WE WANT TO BE THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS, NOT THE MONSTER WHO IS
UGLY AS A PUNISHMENT.
I MEAN, WHAT WAS MY CRIME?
WHAT DID I DO WRONG, DOMINATE THIRD BASE?
BECAUSE YOU KNOW I DID.
( APPLAUSE )
AT THIS POINT, I WOULD LIKE TO LET EVERYBODY KNOW THAT I AM NOT
GAY!
I GET IT.
I'M WEARING A LOT OF DENIM.
DID YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN CAN JUST BE COMFORTABLE?
YEAH.
( APPLAUSE )
DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE GAY!
AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU DO THINK I'M GAY.
IT DOESN'T OFFEND ME.
I JUST BRING IT UP SO ALL THE SINGLE FELLAS KNOW.
YEAAH.
YEAH, I'M GOING TO TRY TO FAST PITCH INTO YOUR HEART.
IT'S JUST TOUGH DATING BECAUSE I'M A STRONG GAL, I'M A BIGGER
GAL, AND I AM ATTRACTED TO PRETTY MEN.
OH, NO!
BECAUSE I LIKE THEM REALLY PRETTY.
YEAH.
I WANT A GUY SO PRETTY, I'M GETTING FIST BUMPS FROM
LESBIANS.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
I WANT THEM TO LOOK AT HIM AND BE LIKE, "DAMN, GIRL.
HE LOOKS SOFT."
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE SOFT ONES, THEY DON'T LIKE GIRLS LIKE ME.
NO.
THEY WANT A GIRL WITH A THIGH GAP!
I HAVE NEVER IN MY LIFE HAD A THIGH GAP.
I HAVE, HOWEVER, CREATED HOLES IN MY JEANS FROM MY THIGHS.
( APPLAUSE )
OH, YEAH!
RIGHT HERE, BABY!
YEAH!
SOME PEOPLE CALL IT CHUB RUB.
I CALL IT POWER FRICTION, OKAY!
OH, YEAH.
DON'T YOU LOOK AWAY!
YOU LOOK AT THIS, ALL RIGHT!
YOU LOOK RIGHT HERE, BUDDY!
HUH!
YOU DRINK THIS IN, OKAY!
WHEN YOU SEE A WOMAN WITH HOLES HERE SHE CAN DEADLIFT YOUR
VESPA, OKAY!
THAT'S HOT!
BUT THE SOFT ONES, THEY DON'T THINK THAT'S HOT.
NO.
THEY GET CONFUSED.
LAST WEEK, I GOT CALLED "SIR" AT A STARBUCKS.
THAT'S NOWHAT YOU WANT.
LADIES, PRO TIP-- KEEP THAT BRAID IN FRONT.
( LAUGHTER )
I TRIED TODAY.
YOU FLIP IT AROUND IT'S A TEENAGED BOY.
WHOOPS!
IT'S A LADY!
( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER HIT WHEN I WAS TALKING TO ONE OF MY GUY FRIENDS AND HE
TOLD ME THAT I DON'T HAVE THE BODY TYPE FOR PORN.
WHICH WAS WEIRD BECAUSE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT COFFEE.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE MEANT.
I'M NOT 19 AND TINY.
FINE, I I GET THAT.
BUT I THINK HE'S WRONG.
YEAH, I THINK THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN OUT THERE WHO WOULD LOVE
TO SEE A PORN STAR IN A BEEFY GAL LIKE MYSELF.
YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
IN FACT...
( LAUGHTER )
I DO.
I THINK IT COULD BE SO HOT I'M THINKING ABOUT MAKING MY OWN
PORN MOVIE, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
FELLAS, LISTEN UP, ALL RIGHT!
HOW ABOUT THIS?
HOW ABOUT A PORN WHERE THE WOMAN PULLS HER WEIGHT ON A CAMPING
TRUMP, HUH?
YEAH!
THAT'S HOT, RIGHT!
OH, YEAH!
YOU WANT THIS ON A CAMPING TRIP.
WHAT'S A SKINNY GIRL GONNA DO COLPLAIN THERE ARE TOO MANY
M&Ms IN THE TRAIL MIX?
GET OUT OF HERE.
NO, THAT GIRL THINKS HALF A GRAPE FRUIT COUNTS AS A MEAL.
NO YOU WANT A WOMAN WHO THINKS HALF A CHICKEN COUNTS AS THE
SECOND HALF OF HER MEAL.
AND THAT'S ME, HONEY.
OH, YEAH!
( APPLAUSE )
PRACTICAL.
I CAN PITCH YOUR TENT.
I CAN CHOP YOUR WOOD.
AND I'M WILLING TO CARRY THAT STUPID COOLER, ALL RIGHT.
YEAH.
NO ONE EVER WANTS TO CARRY THE COOLER, BUT THAT'S EXACTLY WHY
YOU BROUGHT ME, BABY, OKAY!
OH, YEAH.
YOU CAN EVEN LEAVE ALL THE BEER AND THE ICE IN IT, BECAUSE
MOMMA'S GOT IT, HUH!
THAT SOUNDS LOOK A HOT PORN, YEAH!
IN MY MOVIE, THE BEAUTY IS ALSO THE BEAST!
( APPLAUSE )
HAVE A GOOD NIGHT!
SHURIKEN.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN SEE HER PERFORM AT ROSE GOLD LOUNGE IN
BROOKLYN NEXT TUESDAY.
CAITLIN PELUFFO, EVERYONE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.