Geoffrey here.
And the question we're trying to answer today is this separating from your
spouse or taking a break for the relationship,
does it actually help to heal the relationship? Is it actually a good idea?
And if you want to empower yourself with the right skills and the right
knowledge to start turning your relationship around,
actually improving it by yourself,
then you want to subscribe to this channel and click that bell button to be
notified when I post new videos five days every single week.
[inaudible]
okay, so I received this question from one of my clients the other day on is
separation actually a good idea? Should I separate?
Can that actually help heal the relationship?
So let's cut through all the clutter surroundings topic here and let's really
dive deep into the pros and cons of separation.
And at the end I'm going to give you some key questions you need to ask yourself
to see whether it's separation is actually a good idea for you or not.
So make sure to stay till the end of this video for those key questions you can
ask. And so let's begin with talking about what are the pros,
what are the benefits of separation here? And in my experience,
actually five good benefits to this.
One is it helps break that negative feedback loop and negative cycle that both
of you have been perpetuating and gets you out of that rut.
So when a couple has been struggling for a while,
what happens is they're perpetuating a very negative cycle.
So one person acts badly causing the other person to act badly.
And when that person acts badly, the other person X way even worse than so on.
And so over time, all of this baggage, all this pent up stuff builds.
And when you separate, you really can break that cycle.
And so you're stopping all these things from building up even more.
So that's the first benefit there.
The second benefit is that it can actually help heal the emotions and it gives
you the space and time to heal and gain perspective for yourself again.
So when you're in the moment, when you're in the moment in your relationship,
when he's really struggling, it's really hard to be objective about something.
It's really hard to kind of detach yourself away from it.
I know it's kind of the same way when you're going through a rough time in your
life. It's really hard to feel positive.
It's really hard to feel optimistic about it. But you know,
fast forward a year later, when you look back on those times,
when you detach yourself away from it,
you can begin to frame it into a better perspective. Well, the same thing here.
When you separate, when you take a break,
you can gain that better perspective for yourself.
And benefit number three is that I can help you detach from your issues and help
you find the solutions much more objectively. So again,
whenever we're in the moment is really hard to be objective about something
because we're too emotionally wound up at that point in time.
But when you separate,
you're giving yourself that space to detach yourself away from the relationship
away from the problems. And when you detach yourself like that,
it makes it much easier to be objective about your thinking and your analysis
about the matter. So that really helps too.
And number four is that it can actually help you miss your partner a bit more.
So whenever a relationship is really in a rut,
what often happens is there's the lack of novelty there.
So you guys are just kind of bored of each other here.
And so you need that space to reestablish and novelty and to make you realize
that maybe your partner does have a pretty good impact in your life,
that you've been seeing all these negatives all along.
But now that your opponent is gone, you realize I really miss them.
I really start to appreciate all the good things that I've done and so on.
And the last reason here is that it can help you miss each other again,
because you know,
romantic love is like a drug where if you have too much presence of your
partner, if you're around your partner too much,
they can make you feel like you're having this all.
You can eat buffet of drugs and you feel kind of sick of it,
but when you take away from each other, you are creating that space.
You're getting their break.
You can actually start missing each other again and feel that novelty all over
again. So those are the five benefits of separation.
But am I saying that I'm a fan of separation? Not quite.
And that's when we get to the cons of separation,
which is that all these things you talk about when you talk about the benefits,
all those benefits come because we're simply trying to escape from the problem.
And what often happens in many,
many couples is that once they get back together,
once someone gets back together after that break, they might feel rejuvenated.
They might feel like they're missing the relationship again.
But once they come back, all the same issues come back.
All the same issues build up because they haven't solved the root of the issue
yet. They're just escaped from it for a bit.
So it's almost like when you're having troubles at work,
when you take a separation from your marriage,
all you're doing is just taking a vacation. But when you come back,
all this stuff will come back to bite you again because you haven't really
solved the problem yet. So that's the one con of separation.
But that one con is a massive,
massive con because if you never solve that root issue,
then you're always stuck in the cycle of getting back together,
having things go really bad, wanting a separation again, wanting a break again,
then coming back together again and on and on and on and on.
So how do we find the root of the issues? Well, in my experience,
it's four things.
It's four things that you need to really master to understand how to have
actually a harmonious relationship.
And the number one skill you need to have in a relationship is your ability to
control your own emotions, but not only your own emotions,
but also manage your partner's emotions as well.
So the problem with a lot of relationships is that when,
let's say one partner gets angry,
the other partner does not have the emotional self control to be able to stay
calm when facing some intense emotions from their partner.
And so what happens then is whenever one partner gets angry,
the other person cannot help but get angry as well.
And this perpetuates a cycle causing an argument every single time.
And the second skill you need to have is the ability to be able to lead
conversations in a proper way.
So what often happens in relationships is that whenever just trying to bring up
some conflict, some very sensitive topics,
they bring it up in a way that's quite hostile.
It's in a wrong way that makes their partner very defensive and so their partner
gets defensive, then they get defensive. And before you know it,
instead of resolving conflicts, whenever they try to bring up any conflicts,
any difference, at least an argument, at least if some escalation in some way.
And the third skill you need to have is to understand how to create admiration,
create respect, and maintain this spark over a long period of time.
So in a longterm relationship over time, that sparks slowly goes away.
And the couples who don't know how to maintain a spark over time will feel that
spark going down time. And then before you know it, they want to break again.
Then they rejuvenate that spark and then it goes down again.
So they keep going in this cycle of having a spark go down over time,
having admiration go down over time.
And so one of the root issues here is that you don't know how to keep the spark
alive for a long period of time.
So whenever you take a break and you'll come back to your relationship,
you might feel very refreshing the beginning.
But if you don't understand how to do all these things,
then it's going to degrade again.
You're going to fall in the same cycle all over again.
So back to the main question here, which is, is separation a good idea for you?
Well that depends.
So here are four questions you need to ask yourself before you choose to
separate.
So number one is do you have the motivation to actually fix the relationship
right now? If it's a yes, then go ahead. Don't separate, go fix it right now.
But if it's gotten to the point where both of you have no energy to even want to
do anything to fix the relationship, there's so much bitterness there,
then taking a break, it's completely fine.
But then you also have to ask yourself the second question, which is,
do you understand that this is just a temporary solution?
So if you're thinking that when you separate that things will suddenly get
better all on his own,
then you are deadly mistaken because all separation does is allows you to get
some space from the problem,
detach yourself away from the problem and reframe your thinking around it.
But it doesn't give you what you need to actually address the root issues,
which is all the things that caused the relationship to break down in the first
place. So do you understand that this is just a very temporary solution?
And the third question to ask yourself is, do you have a game plan?
So do you have a game plan to understand,
to learn how to control your emotions better in your relationship?
Do you have a game plan on how to lead conversations better than never leads to
arguments or conflicts?
Do you have a game plan on how you can start resolving conflicts?
The tough conflicts in the relationship a lot better.
And number four is do you have a game plan on understanding and learning how to
keep that admiration and that spark alive for a long period of time.
Then if you answer yes to all these questions, then yes, you can take a break.
Yes, you can separate because when you separate with this questions in mind,
then you're really having a better attitude about it and you're having the right
game plan so that when you actually come back together that you're not going to
be perpetuating the same cycle over and over again.
That things will be different, but again,
separation should be a last resort thing,
so I'm not condoning separation in any way.
I think if you look at the first question here and you can say that you can have
the energy to work on the relationship, you should do that.
That's always a much better idea than getting separation first.
But if you really find that you cannot even muster any strength to want to work
on the relationship or even heal the relationship, then yeah,
then maybe taking a break is your best choice. But when you do take a break,
make sure that you understand this is temporary and make sure that while you're
on a break, while you're separated,
you're doing all the right things and having the right game plan to learn all
these skills. And if you're doing that, it should be okay.
And if you want to resource, I can help you with a lot of these things here.
So understanding how to control your own emotions,
how to manage partner's emotions and how to lead a conversation in a way that
never leaves to arguments and always ending in some resolution or some
conflicts, even the toughest ones.
Then you want to get access to my four day training series.
And that training series will teach you exactly step by step on how you can do
those things and to make sure that when you do get back together after
separation, that you have all the right skills,
you need to actually turn the relationship around in a better place and not fall
into the same cycle over and over again.
And so if you're interested in that four day training series,
then you can click the link in the description box below this video and if
you're looking for a space where you can ask your questions and actually get
expert advice on it,
then you also want to join our Facebook group where you can again post your
questions and get really good advice on your questions there.
And if you want to join our Facebook group,
the link is also below this video and the topic of separation can be a very vast
topic.
So let me know if you have more questions that I didn't address in this video.
So leave a comment below if you have those.
And I'll try to respond to your comments as soon as possible or even make a new
video out of that in the future. So if you found this video helpful or valuable,
then click the like button and subscribe to this channel for more content like
this one. But again, for now,
remember that you have the power to save your relationship by yourself.
So never underestimate your own power because when you change your approach,
you can really start to break that negative cycle in your relationship and begin
to perpetuate a much more positive one. But in the meantime,
I will see you in the next video.