Conflict resolution or how to avoid conflict
with other people is a typical problem of everybody.
The reason for conflict is because people come from different places
different environments, and they bring with them attitudes
which they picked up there. Merely commanding another person
saying to another person "You ought not to think the way you think"
does not alter the behavior.
If you really want to get along with people
only when they say to you
"What's the best way to put the shovel into the ground?" "Use your foot.
It's easier. " If they don't ask you, let it go.
The best way to avoid conflict is to not
superimpose your values, even though they're better
than the other person's values.
Roxanne may like cats.
I don't like cats in the house because they...
I feel that they're dirty and all that, but anyway...
The question is: How much do I like Roxanne?
If she doesn't mean that much to me
I say "The cats go or I'll go."
When you deal with people
whatever their views are, unless they say to you
"What do you think of my views? " then you can give your opinion.
Like sometimes
Joel may feel that his boss
is not correct in his values.
If you were to confront him with saner values
he would not understand it.
He would resent it too because it's a put-down.
When you meet people
they tell you what their values are by the way they speak
the way they talk about different things.
Unless they say to you "What do you think of my values?"
then you open up, or "What do you think of the way I use the paintbrush?"
If they say to you "That's no way to use a paintbrush"
that doesn't tell you how.
You wipe it on the can, or whatever it is, you can tell them.
Very few people, unless they're going to school to study
aviation mechanics, they go there to learn what this guy has to say
but if one of the students tells them something
they would feel put-down.
The student says "Well, you don't understand the mechanics
of a piston engine. " That's a put-down
because the student is telling that. If the instructor told him that
he went there to study plumbing or art
or music, so you listen to an instructor.
You're there to learn what they have to tell you
but when you meet ordinary people...
If Roxanne is working on something
and it's very important to her, and there's a phone call
which detracts her away from that
and she may go back and not continue along the lines.
If you say "You should continue along the lines you're working at..."
Unless she said "Christ, I'm terribly disorganized
what do you suggest I do?"
Then you write 1,2,3,4,5
and she says "I don't like 4 and 5."
But don't argue with her. If she says "I'm not sure of 4 and 5"
then you can instruct her. The language tells you
when a person wants to hear more or no more.
Anything you say is a put-down to normal people
if it improves, if it's overseeing
overseeing the other person's shortcomings.
If another person has shortcomings
you work with those shortcomings, unless they say
"How were you able to accomplish four films a day
and I can only do one?"
Then you can say "Because you clean out, you bake with the oven
and then you water the lawn, then you go back to your job."
You have to stay with each system. Do you understand what I mean?
If you get out to do a bridge and in the meantime you water the roses
and trim trees, a lot of things remain half-done.
I don't say you do that
but if you walk over to Larry and say "Don't do it that way. Do it this way"
you're superimposing your values. They may be right
but you don't superimpose unless they ask you.
Conflict occurs
when a person doesn't seek your advice and you advise them.
It doesn't always occur, but it will.
The way to get along with people
is to let them be what they are, unless they say
"I don't seem to get along with polocks. What's my problem?"
Very few people do that.
Very few people... In fact I've never run into a person that said
"What do you think of my value system?
What do you think of the way I think?"
If they do that and it's sincere, not an ego thing
where they appear to be polite.
If a person annoys you in some way
just say "I don't like to discuss races.
I mean if you want to be racist OK, I'm not interested in that."
If he says "How come you don't see niggers the way I see them?"
you can explain.
But if he says "Well, God damn it, that's the way I feel," let him talk
or discharge him, if you hired him and you don't want to hear that.
We hired a guy... There was a black man up on a pole
working on an antenna.
And the guy says "I need some rope."
He says "Tie it around your neck. If you fall you'll hang yourself."
He thought that was appropriate for the black guy.
We never hired him again because he was too low grade.
To undo that, you have to undo his whole life
and either you hire a guy to put up an antenna
or you work on his whole life.
The question is: How different is the person's background than yours?
Does the person seek information and if they did
don't feel like you're instructing them.
If you come over and say "Larry, that's no way to use
a paint remover"
the best thing to do is to say "I used to do it that way
then some other guy told me another way."
They don't like personal criticism coming from you.
I don't get involved in that kind of discussion
because it can't go anywhere, unless the person says
"What do you think of the God damn Mexicans coming into this country?"
"I think the same way about 'unloyal' Americans
that don't appreciate this country," instead of attacking the Spanish people.
Say, "I find Americans, some of them, to be very offensive
and some to be OK" but you need not get onto the Spaniards
because he has a fixed view of Spaniards.
You say "There are plenty of Americans that are subversive."
He would agree with you as a rule
and if he says "Well, I don't know, I've found an American..." then get off
if he doesn't want to discuss it
if he feels satisfied with his point of view.
The main thing you have to keep in mind
is other people come from different places
and they see the same thing you see
but their interpretation is different.
Unless they call for answers
"What do you think I ought to do?"
If a person has a short memory, make notes.
You tell them that once or twice
but not continuously, if they don't apply it.
You give people instructions.
If they apply it, give them further instructions.
If they don't apply them, it means it's just a verbal pastime.
"What do you suggest I do? My wife likes cats, and I like dogs."
You don't have to come up with some story:
Let her have her cats so she lets you have your dogs.
In working with conflict
you do it once or twice.
You say "It seems to me if you held the drill this way
first, it would work better and that's what I found."
But if a person doesn't ask you and they're busy drilling
and they say "I don't want your fuckin' advice!
You tend to your computer, I'll tend to my drilling."
Sometimes people don't want advice. They feel they're being put down.
Stop giving one another advice. That produces antagonism
unless they ask for it.
Is this an absolute formula?
It's a better way of dealing with people
because you can't turn them around
by pointing out "The trouble with you is
you don't listen to anybody! " That doesn't cause them to now listen.
They'll go on with their same pattern
unless they say to you "Am I inattentive?"
or "Do I appear inattentive?"
Very few people talk like that. That's what sane means.
Sane means, when a person comes over to you and says
"I'm not familiar with that jigsaw, how to use it."
Then you instruct them. If they come over
everyday and say "I don't know how to use a jigsaw"
watch them and guide them through it.
Does that make sense?
Do you have any attitudes now about different people
that think differently than you do?
They think differently than you do, period.
Making a comment as "You're dimwitted" or "slow"
"The trouble with you is that you have no imagination!"
that doesn't alter behavior. It only increases conflict.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
If a person's a very good painter of roses
and you like roses, then you associate with him for that reason
but if he says "If you just ask me
all the Irish ought to be sent back to Ireland"
say "Well, I don't feel that way about the Irish
so I'd rather not discuss it."
"I think there are Swedes that behave badly
and some Swedes that behave well. " You can say that.
He might understand that "... but I appreciate your comments."
Don't wipe him out. "You're a racist!"
Don't wipe him out.