- (clears throat)
- I'm mean, what are we, what are we
doing here Liz, this is insane.
- Cake. Pie. Equally delicious, right?
But are they?
Because people have a lot of strong opinions about them.
So today, we're inviting people
from both camps to state their cases.
And maybe we'll finally settle the age old debate.
Which is better? Pie, or cake?
(dramatic music)
- I was born a man of pie.
- I far prefer cakes to pies.
- I'm a pie advocate because I'm a grown ass man.
- I am a cake enthusiast.
- Team Pie!
- Team cake!
- I just hate cake.
- I'm ready to fuckin fight about some cake and pie.
(dramatic music)
- People eat pies every day, because a pie
is acceptable, a cake is not acceptable every day.
- You pie every day?
- You can have any pie for breakfast, you start having
cake for breakfast, you look like a goddamn fool.
- A pie, it's a step above a PopTart. It really is.
I'll fuck with a PopTart fresh outta the toaster,
than I'll ever touch some pie.
- You go to Starbucks, you'd see a cake represented
as breakfast food more than you'd see a pie.
- There's not like a bunch of cakes at Starbucks,
there's cake pops, which are not breakfast,
they're fucking snacks for crazy people.
- That is not the color of food.
- I'm sorry, but this pecan pie looks like shit.
- You think this looks like shit?
- It does look like shit.
- He thinks this looks like shit.
- Oh I'm sorry, compared to the beauty of this?
- You have that artificial frosting,
which is bad for everything and everybody.
- I guarantee that's yellow five.
I promise that shrinks penises.
- You also get chicken pot pie.
There's like 30 textures in that shit.
- If anyone ever tries to serve me a meat cake,
I'm gonna fuckin throw it in their face.
- Once you can have chicken in a pie,
you've won the game, there's no chicken cake.
- Listen, that's true. There are savory pies out there.
And I don't know what we're gonna do about that.
- Crust.
- Look, we all love crust, there's no getting around that.
- It can be savory or sweet and it's not one dimensional.
Like a cake--
- A cake isn't one dimensional, it's literally layered.
- Pie is versatile, yay! You know what else is versatile?
Minivans, you know, Honda Odyssey are--
- I drive a minivan and I love it.
- Pie is the Model T of desserts.
It's like, it was cool in the 30s,
like you put it on the windowsill.
That was awesome.
- What do you drive?
What's the cake equivalent of automobiles?
- A Hyundai Sonata.
- Oh yeah, that's a real cake car.
- Why would you have a Toyota when you could have a Ferrari?
Ok? That's it.
- Oh, I'm sorry, a pie is a Ferrari?
A pie? A pie is a Pony Express.
- It's got pizzazz!
- This, right here, this little yellow number?
This is a Lambo.
- Pie can be made with nuts, with fruits, with meats.
Pie is everything we've wanted.
It's even a gross term for a sexual part.
- It is?
- Yeah, a vagina.
(dramatic music)
- Cake is more of an event, you know,
we're having a piece of cake, we're really celebrating.
Pie is like, oh cool, your grandma's over,
let's have some, you know, pie.
- You don't celebrate special occasions with pie.
- Hah! When it was my birthday,
in the office, they bought me a pie.
And it was pretty fuckin good. Yeah.
- What do you do at your wedding day?
Are you married Colin?
- No.
- That's a shame.
- Just put that in your head for a second.
Birthday pie. No. Wedding pie. Ugh.
Like, this is just crap. Crap crap crap crap crap.
- The only reason that cakes are done that way,
that they're the popular item, is because they're cheaper.
The most popular flavor of cake is vanilla.
Vanilla is a word for boring.
- Look how simple your food looks.
- Man, you're such an American.
Does everything have to look like a goddamn roller coaster?
- Yes.
- Who likes sweet bread?
Like you're eating bread that's sweet.
- Who likes sweet bread? Her words, not mine.
I love sweet bread, you love sweet bread, we love cake.
- But if you were to go to a fancy cake maker
oh my god, I wouldn't even want to
eat it because it's so beautiful.
That, actually, is an argument for pie. But...
(both laughing)
(dramatic music)
- Let me cut you a good slice of cake, alright.
- All of these revolt me, there's so much frosting on it.
- Do I have to it it? Honestly, I know what it tastes like.
Guess what, it's fucking vanilla, what a surprise.
- This isn't even good cake.
Ugh, it's so sugary.
- I wouldn't want a piece of hard fruit
in my thing that I really gotta bite through.
- Sugar bread and sugar, what variety
I've been blessed to enjoy.
- It's like eatin candy, you know what?
You can go home and eat your runts
and sleep in your race car bed
and be the child that you want to be.
That's fine, but I'm just sayin, like, real adults eat pie.
- Let's agree on something though,
how do you feel about a strudel?
That shit makes me feel uncomfortable.
- I like strudel.
- Pffft.
- Nothing Patrick said has changed my mind,
I'm still a firm believer in pie.
- Pie is, sure, it's good, I'll eat it.
- Great, it's settled, we done here?
I got work to do, I'm an adult.
(dramatic music)
- What do you think red velvet is Patrick?
- It's not chocolate. It sure as hell ain't chocolate.
- It's vanilla!
- No, it's....
You wear hats on your feet and you put
shoes on your head, that's your pie logic.