- I remember her saying, I had to look up
why in the Greek, in the Hebrew whatever,
tell, tell about that.
- Well, I had to...
because I was building my own prison of questions.
I forgo... Everyday I would get up and say
God I would have given you back
every miracle you've done and he's done so many in my life.
I would've given every one of them back
for this one and I never expect.
We so believed she would live.
That we didn't embalm her.
Because we expected her to come out of the casket,
we...
Our son put a jiggle doll, you know those little
jiggle dolls, when they, you move them they make noise.
Inside the casket, jibber jabber dolls,
that's right.
So that when she awaken inside the casket
we would hear the doll jibber jabber.
We had such faith she would live
it was so hard to accept the why.
- Yeah.
- You would ask why and then there would be nothing that...
- Made sense.
- Made sense, nothing that satisfied.
Nothing that made you feel any better,
and so then you would ask why again.
And then after months to nine months I ask why.
And I ask why, and I ask why, and then I got
to the point I know why has no answer
that's gonna make me feel better.
So then I would ask why am I asking why?
(laughing)
I couldn't...
I couldn't stop myself it was this prison,
and every time I would ask why it put another brick
in this isolated prison around myself
to where all I could see were these questions and,
so God spoke to me.
I'm washing dishes
and why did she have to go to heaven?
Why am I still here that was my big question.
- Yeah.
And he said I want you to go look that word up.
And I knew that wasn't Webster,
he wanted me to go look it up in the Hebrew.
I love the Hebrew
I love what the Torah was written in
I love the Ancient Hebrew,
it means so much more than our
watered down English language and so,
as I begin to search for the word why,
I actually discovered all six questions.
Who, what, when, where, why, and how.
There are only six questions in our entire language.
I found these questions in the Hebrew
and each one had only one common symbol
or we would call it letter.
One common symbol in it.
And it was the symbol for chaos.
And I realized that the more questions you ask
the more chaos you create in your own world.
Your trying to get out of chaos and yet,
your own mind is creating this hurricane of...
- Chaos. - Of trying...
Trying to find the answer.
- Trying to find peace. - When we will not...
- Understand it here on Earth.
- Yeah.
- Your trying to find peace and
your creating your own chaos.
And when I saw that I realized six of course
the number for man and,
and I take this to the Father and I'm like
God I realize that what I'm doing
I still don't know how to stop asking why.
If I could stop I would've already stopped by now.
But my mind keeps circling back around
to but why, why did...
Why did she have to go?
Why couldn't it have been somebody old
why did she have to suffer?
Why did I have to experience it?
Why does my children have to experience it?
Why does my husband have to go through all...
Why did...
Why, and the why's just...
Become never ending it's just a infinite arrow on the end.
And the Lord said to me,
your a mom,
and when your children ask you why, what do you say?
And I said well I'm this great mother
(laughter)
I get down on my knees, and I get eyeball to eyeball
and I give them these long explanations,
and He said then what do they say?
And I said well they say but why?
And I said, and I go through the whole thing again,
and they say but why and He said and eventually,
what do you say when they cannot understand?
And I say, because I said so.
They can't understand,
that He said because I said so,
you can't understand the secret things belong to the Lord.
And your on a need to know basis,
and you don't need to know.
And then He said, and this is what changed me,
He said you have lived your life by faith.
Your whole life has been one long walk of faith.
From the beginning to now.
And He says, I'm calling you up to a higher level of living.
I'm calling you to live in the level called trust.
Your gonna have to trust me when you don't know.
Your gonna have to trust me when there are no answers.
I am a spirit and truth God.
And your asking me flesh questions.
These are flesh questions your spirit is not crying why.
Your flesh is crying why.
And I'm spirit, I'm truth, I can't satisfy flesh.
You've gotta learn to trust me.
And I just began a journey that I've
been on for 20 years.
Saying Lord I trust you.
I don't have to understand to know that you know.
And I can just put one foot in front of the other
and just keep moving.
And that stopped me from building the prison.
I can't say it stopped me from never asking.
Because I have those moments when I
just want to have a pity party.
And I ask again and know before I ask
that there's gonna be no answer.
- Yeah.
- And I think the difference for
a lot of people with grief
we had to grieve in front of everybody.
Because we were public figures and
when your a public figure,
you can't hide the fact your daughter died.
- Yeah.
- You gotta deal with it and people are watching
and that people are well meaning and then some are not.
And people can be cruel and you've just gotta
learn to trust God
- Yeah.
and keep moving
and not stop.
I wanted to stop.
- Yeah.
- Hi everybody.
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