Look at all this. This is a haul that even Picard would be happy with.
What I have here is a collection of items I first
spied back in the February 1996 issue of PC Zone magazine.
For some reason they titled the section "Captain Kirk's Kit"... but this is clearly Star Trek
The Next Generation merchandise.
As PC Zone put it, "You can turn your PC into a Star Trek shrine with the following collection
of Next Generation accessories designed to turn your humble PC into the bridge of the
Enterprise"...
Now, did I want this at the time?
Well... kinda, maybe, possibly, not really, especially for a whopping combined price of
£137.96, but it intrigued me, and became wedged in my mind until I came across this
bundle for just shy of 50 English Pounds.
OK, if I'm honest, of course I wanted it in the 90s, and I'm incredibly excited to take
a closer look.
I mean, I love Star Trek.
Especially that bit where Picard finds out who his real father is.
Sensational.
Let's start with the "DATA HOLDER".
It's for holding a sheet of paper next to your monitor, you know, when you want to copy
someone else's work.
The clever part is that the android from TNG is called Data... and this is called DATA.
Isn't it great?!
So apparently this will reduce neck and eye strain & avoid headaches.
Mate in the mid 90s, I was using a 60Hz 14" monitor at 1024x768.
The eye strain and headaches were there whether I'd used this or not.
We also get an authentic Starship Enterprise, although we'll see exactly how authentic it
is in a second.
On the back we have fitting instructions.
But first we need to break into this.
It feels like an act of sacrilege but, hey, if Steve1989 can do it with 60 year old rations,
I can do it with this.
So here's the monitor bracket, which just sticks onto the top.
Here's that "authentic" Starship Enterprise, and here's the arm which sticks out the side
and holds your document.
Onto the MOUSE.
I have no idea who that guy is or what he's doing, but he's only a Ensign, who cares?!
What's import here is we get a FREE MOUSE PAD and that the mouse is in the vague shape
of a shuttle...
I think?
Anyway here it is, held in quite tight, and yeah, it feels pretty robust, although those
buttons make me feel uneasy... hmmm, yeah.
Of course this is a ball mouse, currently in the cleanest state you'll see it.
It's also a serial mouse, and there's no PS/2 adaptor, which is a little strange for this
era, but most people would have had a free 9 pin serial port.
Here we have the mousepad, just like they used to make them - thick and spongy.
It's a little small perhaps, but I'll put blind faith in the DPI performance of this
mouse and presume it's enough.
We also get this little catalogue in the box, showing us the Brain Works collection.
I don't actually have that Disk Holder, so we'll just have to make do, and imagine it's
present.
Brain Works also made other "transformation packs" including Nickelodeon and the Flintstones.
I quite like that keyboard actually.
Which brings us neatly onto the Star Trek Keyboard.
Wooow.
Look at this thing!
IT'S A KEYBOARD.
Yeah, no sh*t Sherlock.
Transform Your Computer!
Easy to Install!
HIGH-IMPACT PLASTIC!
and a FREE 250 Games CD-ROM.
Good god this is exciting.
On the back we get the overview.
Look, it's got a wrist rest, non slip rubber grips, BIG EASY to read letters that even
a moron can read and, best of all, "THE FLASHERS"... 7 different light shows that you control.
I've gotta get into this.
Just take this Brain Works wrapper off and ohhh yes.
Look at that.
It's even got the Enterprise's saucer section at the top.
Quite a nice feel to the keys actually, and a massive gap in the back.
You could fit another mini keyboard in there and unveil it as a magic trick.
TADAAAA.
Well, a Psion/3 anyway.
We also get this little bag, containing a PS/2 adapter, for those motherboards without
a keyboard DIN connector and of course, that bonus CD, with 250 of what appear to be shovelware
titles.
We'll get to that later.
The final item in this pie of Star Trek titillation, is the Monitor Mask!
With that guy again, looking high as balls.
Look at that setup on the back, that chap is loving life right now.
OK, let's get inside.
First up we have another free mouse pad, and some more attachment pads, to really ruin
your monitor.
Now, this is the part which intrigued me most.
I mean, it looked like a piece of incredibly cheap, flimsy plastic, but is that the case?
Well, yes.
Yes it is.
It's like that plastic, cheap face masks were made of; the type you'd get at a birthday
party, only for it to shatter and force plastic shards into your eye.
Still, it kinda looks the part, in a terribly nasty way.
But that's what makes this so damn awesome.
Let's go and set it up.
Let's begin with the "Data Holder".
I need to peel th that sticky pad off, which is still pretty sticky and then stick it to
the corner here.
Obviously this was intended for a CRT monitor, but I like this one, and it works better on
camera.
There we go, sticks just fine.
I then need to attach the clip itself and the ship on the end for decoration purposes,
and there we have it...
We can then stick a document in, and bathe in a bath of blissful ergonomic salvation.
You still have to deal with this protruding arm, which can get in the way, just like it
does here, but I feel that's a small price to pay.
Next we'll setup the mouse.
The pad fits nicely in this little space and allows for smooth, unhindered movement.
This Star Trek variant has a serial connection of course, so I'll need to change the mouse
configuration and restart Windows, and then bingo.
A working mouse.
Let's get the final pieces in place.
Check out that keyboard.
Mmmmmm, look at that, it's so tasteless.
I absolutely love it.
We need the PS/2 adapter for this PC, but then it works straight away.
And of course, the monitor mask!
Again this involves more sticky pads.
But we get this plastic mount which uses Velcro to attach to the monitor.
Another piece of Velcro at the bottom and we can stick the plastic mask on.
Obviously the Velcro allows you to remove the mask at will, without leaving horrendous
sticky pads everywhere.
Probably useful for when the only PC in the house was shared across the whole family.
It could even allow you to buy the Nickelodeon mask as well and swap it at will... if that's
your thing.
Obviously it's best not to stick it on upside down, but a bit of unsticking and oh yes,
there we go.
The U.S.S Enterprise NCC-1701-D in Monitor form.
Now this mask is designed for 14 & 15" monitors.
This flat screen is a 15", but unlike a CRT, the entire 15" is visible, meaning this mask
is actually a bit too small.
On a 15" CRT, the tube may be 15", but the visible area may only be 14".
Just like a standard television and hence the need for an overscan area on early home
micros.
But I'm not gonna let this ruin my day, I can just peek over the edge to see the Start
button.
So how does this look altogether.
Well, it looks like this.
Isn't it the most perfect trash you've ever seen??
Look at that Enterprise, it's almost like watching the opening credits of The Next Generation.
Documents the final frontier.
The mouse is reasonably pleasant to move, although a little back heavy.
If you put too much weight on the rear it rises up, preventing the ball from making
contact.
But the ergonomics aren't terrible.
As for the keyboard, the keys themselves are pretty nice.
There's a good travel distance... a little spongy, but I quite like that, and of course
we have this built in wrist rest.
But, ahhh, yes.
It's like the mouse all over again.
If you put too much weight on this rest, the whole unit rises up, which is a little off
putting whilst writing.
Even with the document holder to help you.
But the main trick is the light display on this baby.
Look at that.
It's like being on the bridge of the Enterprise itself.
You can change the display using function and the up or down arrows.
You can also make it faster or slower, and even keep it on whilst typing.
You can tell Caps lock, num lock or scroll lock are on because they'll flash independently
of the pattern in this mode.
I love it.
OK, so we'd best check out that CD of 250 programs, and yessss, it's a collection of
the finest shovelware known to man.
We've got Donkey Kong clones and the like, but I'm guessing this was included because
it at least has a few Star Trek based games.
I mean, they're obviously unlicenced, but there's some entertainment there.
I mean, I would have loved working through this CD in 1995 or 96.
This was before I had the internet, so I grabbed any software I could lay my hands on.
So there we go, that's the Brain Works Star Trek transformation pack.
A glorious piece of 90s plastic finery.
There's just one more thing left to do...
I think instead of this....
we need this....
There's nothing quite like Desktop Themes for Windows 95.
Anyway, that's the end of today's video.
I hoped you enjoyed inspecting these Star Trek themed accessories.
For me, it's scratched a 22 year itch, and I feel satisfied.
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